Shared from my personal Substack website I continue the unwinding journey of writing out my experiences. I wrote this piece in December of 2023 after some revelations appeared in my life I wanted to not only share with the public but record for my future self. Thank you for listening. “Is anybody ever really awake? Just beneath the skin, always reminded You can only live so long as a fake Time is wearing thin, let our love begin” Incubus-Our Love I’m wondering how many times I can reintroduce myself and my beliefs as I stagger through this shift I was gifted with almost 5 years ago. Coming from a background in church benches, summer bible school and rolling on a bike in a humble small town all the way out to a small family farm I must admit to you on this platform if I never directly experienced a “Spiritual Awakening” I do not know if i would ever be able to comprehend the depth of change it can invoke in someone. I am not sure if I didn’t have this very personal experience that I would be writing this post to you today. I’ve been trying to make sense of what happened to me two weeks before my wedding. I’ve been a lover of Jesus since I was a child but could never subscribe to the boxed in teaching that so many church benches were trying to show me. It’s not that I didn’t believe in his story I just thought so much was missing in the story. I believe there is an ignorance that has been cast into modern day religions and the day I dropped out of college I vowed I would access the world as my school to find the answers I was searching for. Right before I dropped out I had my class list in my hand and I had signed up for a World Religions class. I had just experienced a expansion of perspective in a sociology class and was hooked to learn more of what was out there on the Spectrum on God. My first day of sociology class our professor opened the classroom up with a movie scene discussion and stated if you can prove the physical existence of God to me now in this classroom, in my hand, you have an A for the rest of the semester. My mind was frantically searching for the answer to the A I deeply yearned for in the academic realm. I was never an honor roll student; the school formats were a struggle for me to say the least. I enjoyed the world of music and poetry. Everything else seemed so out of touch for me. So, as I sat in my college classroom astounded, I had made it to college I was enamored with finding the answer. So many students replied with “Faith” as the proof of God. He reminded them he needed physical proof of God in his hand for their argument to be made. I was determined to answer the question, but my mind was blank with delivering the correct answer. I wanted so badly to dig back into the banks of my mind and be victorious in handing over God to my professor and solving the mystery for everyone. Instead of being discouraged I was not able to solve the biggest question in life I sat back and listened to the girl in front of me argue a valid point that still sticks with me to this very day. She said, “isn’t physically explaining the existence of God like trying to physically explain love? All of us have experienced love in some capacity but none of us can physically prove it is there. I cannot physically place love in your hand but I know it is real based on my personal experience with it.” The classroom went silent and the teacher I believe was also taken back by her answer. Although she did not physically prove it and put it in his hand she did bring up the profound correlation between God ( the highest, ultimate creator of all that exists) and love. It left me hungry for more answers and I was determined to pass that class and enter into the world religions class full speed ahead with deep diving into all the ways I and others choose to connect with the Divine. As i threw my class schedule in the trash and walked off the campus I looked up at the sky and said I don’t know what the plan is here but I am going to go out there and search for what I am looking for. Fast forward another year or so I find myself in a thrift store in a small town holding a book on world religions and gasping in remembrance that my quest to find any and all knowledge of the interpretation of God was still alive in me. Having a Christian background, you are taught that anything outside of Christianity and Jesus Christ is not the way to salvation and most paths are laced with demons and poisons to knock you off your eternal path leading you back home. On the other hand, you are also taught that God loves you more than anything, more than you can understand and if you repent, change your ways while allowing him in your heart the holy spirit will wash over you and you shall be saved. That was my favorite part of the faith. That although the humans around were not as quick at forgiveness as your creator, salvation could still be yours. My problem I found cropping up was ...
