This week on Page 7 Holden wants to watch an ape give cunnilingus to another ape (who doesn't tbh), Jackie's feelin' herself to Ashnikko, and thankfully her fam is doin' fine but still without power due to ole Milton, MJ's got the lip reader transcript of Nicole Kidman and Salma Hayek's incredibly awkward encounter at a Balenciaga! show, once again there is Chappell Roan banter about pressures of fame as well as her TikTok's from this past weekend, Olivia Rodrigo got to meet Pesto the penguin so please send it to Holden and he'll tell you her falling in that pit was karma for meeting such a wretched beast, MJ GOT HIS ORVILLE PECK TICKETS! Jessica Chastain publicly tweeted out about her refund not being enough for her TV not working on her Jetblue flight and people on Twitter got maaaaaad (at Jessica ofc), Raw Dawgin' flights is the new trend no one asked for, but lets hope it leads to some personal self reflection, Mariah Carey REFUSES to be seen under overhead lighting, but that's not stopping her from getting the 30th anniversary of 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' ready to drop like a nuclear weapon, Jackie Stewart's slinging turkey tips even tho IT'S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN YET, JACKIE, Burger King introduces A BIG SLOPPY DIP CUP of Hidden Valley Ranch, finally a ranch cup fit for a WHOPPER...Over in Celebrity Conspiracy Corner: Was Secret Lives of Mormon Wives a PSY OP and an ad from BIG SODA TO KEEP US IN THEIR SUGARY CLUTCHES!?!? A List of unbelieve facts about pop music and the weirdos that make it, Holden comes in at the last moment with info on the new T Swift Era Tours Book to much roasting, the Blindz and even MOOOOOORE!

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