• How to Feel Your Fear Without Getting Sucked in

  • Feb 7 2024
  • Length: 12 mins
  • Podcast

How to Feel Your Fear Without Getting Sucked in

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  • A client of mine recently discovered that she’s pregnant and shared this question with me this week: “I really hope that everything is safe and sound with my pregnancy. I’m trying my best to stay positive, but I have moments of anxiety. I am wondering how to feel my fears while not being consumed by them and how to remain positive while not getting sucked into worst case ‘what-if’ scenarios. Suggestions?” Now, you might not be pregnant with a new baby (though, congratulations if you are!), but if you’re like most of my clients, you’re working hard to bring something you care deeply about into the world—a new policy, a new program, a new relationship, a new business, or something else. Whatever it is, you’re apt to have fears. So how do you acknowledge your fears without getting sucked into them? In today’s episode, I share four practices that I shared with my client. Listen in!   CLICK HERE TO READ THE SHOWNOTES A client of mine recently discovered that she’s pregnant and shared this question with me this week: “I really hope that everything is safe and sound with my pregnancy. I’m trying my best to stay positive, but I have moments of anxiety. I am wondering how to feel my fears while not being consumed by them and how to remain positive while not getting sucked into worst case ‘what-if’ scenarios. Suggestions?” Now, you might not be pregnant with a new baby (though, congratulations if you are!), but if you’re like most of my clients, you’re working hard to bring something you care deeply about into the world. This might be a new policy, a new program, a new relationship, a new business, or something else. Whatever it is, you’re apt to have fears. So how do you acknowledge your fears without getting sucked into them? Here are four practices that I shared with my client: 1. Remember that Worry is the work of pregnancy. Fifteen years ago, shortly after my son, Kai, was born, I became a childbirth mentor and birth doula, and one of my favorite quotes from that time was from Pam England, creator of Birthing From Within, who writes: Worry is the work of pregnancy. In other words, you are normal. If there’s something you care deeply about, something you long for, something you’re working hard to bring into the world, and you have a lot at stake, the odds of success are uncertain and the outcomes are not completely within your control— Of course, you will feel worried at times. My most recent source of worry is related to my son, Kai. He’s a sophomore in high school, thinking about colleges, and I want him to have a future in which he’s content and contributing. He’s doing really great, but his future is largely out of my hands, and so occasionally, I worry. Now, when friends tell me that of course he’ll be fine and that I should not worry, it honestly doesn’t feel very helpful. But when they acknowledge that it makes complete sense that I would worry a bit, I feel heard, and my nervous system settles. Until recently, most self-help teachers taught that stress was bad for us and that we needed to get rid of it. But as Stanford health psychologist Kelly McGonigal teaches, stress is simply what we feel when something we love is at risk. While chronic stress can be harmful, momentary stress and worry are a normal part of reaching toward what we love. 2. Write down your worries. Now, one factor that makes a huge difference in how we relate to our stress are the stories we tell ourselves. And while we may not be able to completely eliminate our fears, we can shift how we relate to them. A key practice for turning down the volume on our stories—including the “worst case, what if scenarios” my client mentioned—is to write them down. Journaling helps us do what developmental psychologist Robert Kegan called the subject-object shift. When we’re subject to our thoughts, we’re so close to them that we assume they’re true and don’t notice or question th...
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