Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the arousal template and the meaning behind escalation in addiction. Behaviors themselves are rarely as important as the reasons why the behavior is happening in the first place. What steps does an addict need to take to stop acting out in addictive and harmful ways? How can all involved parties get the support that they need when working through trauma, and where should the intimacy focus be placed in every step of recovery?

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] My husband’s porn addiction has grown to include trans sex. What does this mean about his arousal template?

[4:35] What role does escalation play in porn addiction?

[9:12] Why do sex addicts have delusions, and can they be cured?

[11:56] Examples of delusional thinking and the harm it can do.

[13:48] I am the addict. What is the best way to get started with sex recovery?

[19:15] The one thing Dr. Rob knows is true in every recovery situation is that no one can do it alone.

[19:45] I’m one month into recovery - is it time for fun and safe games for reconnection with my wife?

[26:45] Consultation options with Dr. Rob for anyone who is seeking hope and validation.

[29:01] Recommendations for formal disclosure for a recovering addict should come from the therapist they are working with.

[32:40] Is a period of abstinence necessary? The simple answer is YES. Now is the time to work through trauma.

[38:10] If your spouse was an alcoholic, 30 days of sobriety would merely be the first step toward recovery. Sex addicts can abstain while focusing on healing.

[40:02] What is the difference between high libido and sex addiction?

[44:15] The top 15 activities for creating intimacy does not include sex.

[44:53] Is a straight man watching gay porn seeking trauma reenactment?

[48:51] What matters most is not what is happening but why it’s happening in the first place.

[50:15] Gay is a way of living, not just who you are attracted to.

[53:08] Understanding the why behind betrayal is not going to take away the pain, but doing the work to find peace and stability will.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “There are many things that we are curious about that we don’t act out in real life.”

• “Delusional thinking means ‘I lie to myself first, and then I lie to everyone else’.”

• “You can’t do this alone. You cannot do this alone.”

• “You do not want to have sex with someone that you don’t trust.”

• “The issues that you’re dealing with as an addict are so much bigger than sex.”

Dr. Rob and Tami explore some questions from sex addicts and betrayed partners about trust, intimacy, gaslighting, and disclosure. Dr. Rob highlights the difference between addictive behaviors and sexual preferences, offers a realistic timeline for full disclosure and healing, and explains (again) that there is nothing a partner can do to force an addict to act out. Dr. Rob has written a number of addiction books and explains which one would be most beneficial to whom, and offers additional support options for addicts and betrayed partners.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:29] Does wearing women’s underwear mean I’m in danger of relapsing?

[5:33] How can I enjoy what turns me on without acting out again?

[8:20] What turns you on may or may not have anything to do with your addiction.

[11:05] My partner’s fear of acting out again is keeping us from enjoying sex. How can we move forward together?

[14:45] You do not want to have sex with someone you don’t trust.

[15:18] Dr. Rob highlights effective timing of disclosure to begin to restore trust.

[19:55] In a safe harbor relationship, both partners are committed to healing for a set period of time.

[21:52] Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt.

[22:46] Is a serial cheater who wants an open relationship dealing with addiction or lifestyle choice?

[25:01] An addict will always cross boundaries, no matter how wide they are or how open the communication is.

[28:09] My partner is withdrawing from sex again, after years of addiction and healing. Where do we go from here?

[33:19] Is it typical for betrayal partners to confuse empathy with manipulation and control?

[37:25] How can I honor my boundaries while my addict is healing?

[43:37] Tami’s advice for advanced planning and handling an addict’s love bombing.

[45:13] Support group for addicts and betrayed partners, and using Dr. Rob’s books effectively.

[50:01] How will we ever be able to have a healthy sex life again?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If your attraction does not hurt yourself or hurt someone else or cause harm, and it brings you pleasure, even if you don’t feel good about it, that doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with it.”

• “You do not want to have sex with someone that you don’t trust.”

• “Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt.”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of their community’s questions about addiction, betrayal, and more. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains the difference between intimacy and sex, why certain types of men/addicts cheat, and why the partners’ of addicts often self-blame; but it is completely not their fault. If you’re looking for additional support, Seeking Integrity has a number of free resources for both people with sex/porn addiction as well as their betrayed partners on the Seeking Integrity website.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:45] You can’t control what your addict/betrayer is doing, so you need to protect and take care of you.

[5:00] If I have sex with him/her, will they stop their affairs?

[7:30] You deserve to be treated like a person. You deserve to be treated in a respectful manner.

[11:15] What happens to someone with a porn addiction?

[15:55] When you detox from porn, don’t switch to other compulsive behaviors.

[20:35] As someone with addictions, you are allowed to ask for a time out with your partner to calm down.

[22:35] Unfortunately, after you’ve hurt your partner, you can’t depend on them to boost your self-esteem.

[30:25] Dr. Rob, can you talk more about why it’s ‘not about sex’ when someone acts out sexually?

[39:50] How long should I go without physical intimacy after a betrayal?

[44:15] Please, please, please if you’re a betrayed partner, go to the doctor and get a full screening. Addicts lie and you need to take your health into your own hands.

[50:10] Why do betrayed partners stay with their addicts?

[55:00] Tami shares a few group resources for betrayed partners looking for support.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “It’s not about you. It’s not how hot you are, how much weight you can lose, it’s not about any of that. No matter what, they’re gonna act out.”

• “Why would you sleep with someone you don’t trust? If you don’t trust him, don’t let him in your bed.”

• “Sex addicts prove that you can have sex without intimacy.”