This week we are wrapping up The Lone Gunmen’s story (and lives) while we discuss “Jump the Shark”! We’re talking the surprising return of Jimmy and Yves, the real reason why Chuck McGill hates Jimmy McGill, that they couldn’t let The Lone Gunmen go without one more shot of Frohike falling face-first in mud, the indignity of Joey Ramone slander, and Yves Adele Harlow's real name drop! We wonder if there will be a Vaping Man in Season 11, freak out about these evil airtight fire doors, think it’s hurtful that Yves refuses to do the hand on window thing, and clown on Skinner for a long time because apparently he thought it would be a great idea to bury Byers, Langly, and Frohike in Arlington. It’s got to be a prank. Please tell us it’s a prank.

Note: The deadline for submitting questions/comments for our Season 9 recap is Sunday May 11!

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This week we are stranding ourselves in a snowy mountain cabin and trying to babysit while we discuss “Scary Monsters”! We’re talking Scully’s zombie horde of a class and how all she wants is just to eat her sandwich, the return of Leyla, the importance of checking your Blood Car Fax report, find out the fate of Mulder’s fish, criticize the verisimilitude of the snow, and enjoy Doggett’s continuing beef with kids. We wonder what the mysterious grandma is up to this whole time, get indignant on behalf of Doggett and Reyes, realize that Leyla has authority-less babysitter energy, introduce the Theme Beam, and note that Doggett has no imagination and he’s cool with that. We’re cooking up a nice Sheriff Soup, so come on down if you’re hungry!

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This week we are dodging both serial killers and potentially God while we discuss “Improbable”! We’re talking the strangely Italian everything about this episode, how much we adore Ray McKinnon’s scowl, Burt Reynolds’ charm, the lengths Robert Patrick will go to to avoid being in a silly scene, the probably sarcastic clapping circle for Reyes, and the forty-second shot where we all have to pretend Arlene Pileggi is Gillian Anderson. They thought we wouldn’t notice! We derail for a while and try to figure out what NUMB3RS is about, throw tomatoes at all the bad lip-syncing, talk about how important it is for serial killers to name themselves, and feel a ghost walk over our graves about a terrifying deleted scene. We all dodged a bullet.

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This week we are avoiding our shadow-selves while we discuss “Underneath”! We’re talking the return of Doggett’s articles, how apparently Scully is the only one around here who can solve cases, how absurd it is that a guy named Damon Kaylor is somehow not the killer, whether the Beardo Weirdo is a Shel Silverstein creation, and workshop “cyclepaths” as a concept. Is this anything? We dunk on Doggett’s old partner Dunk, discuss the relationship between necks and stress, theorize that Doggett might solve more cases if he covered himself in sticky tape and carried around a big net, and notice that these New York accents are getting stronger by the second. And remember: I’m not rich, my parents are. That’s why I’ve inherited their giant mansion in Brooklyn :)

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This week we are wandering the halls of a ghostly hospital while we discuss “Audrey Pauley”! We’re talking whether or not Doggett could love a cat, if this episode is anti-organ donation, that they’re really forcing the Doggett-Reyes lovelorn gazing, how much we hate Steven and his stupid little pajamas, and how messed up it is that everybody is ready to start chopping up Reyes at a moment’s notice. We side-eye Reyes’ super-real “parents” “from Mexico City” (yeah, right!), boo the longest death scene in TV history, count down the days until we see our beloved Ellen Bledsoe again, and celebrate Reyes becoming Falling Guy. You wouldn’t download a DVD, unless you’re in Antarctica.

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This week we are chasing alien cults across the Canadian border while we discuss “Providence”! We’re talking Doggett sleeping his way through this entire episode, wondering why on earth Skinner sucks so badly now, shake our heads at everyone suddenly converting to Christianity out of nowhere, lament that Reyes has nothing to do these days, and marvel at the fact that somehow, through it all, Brad is the only one in the cast keeping it real. How did this happen? We posit that Baby William is the Boss Baby prophesied in scripture, wonder if Mulder is finally fulfilling Clyde Bruckman’s prophecy, figure that Father McCue is somehow to blame for all of this, and struggle to understand what exactly the show is saying about aliens and religion these days. Does anyone understand? I’m Episcopalian! I don’t get it!

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This week we are smuggling alien writings on our cool motorcycles while we discuss “Provenance”! We’re talking Neal McDonough’s icy blue eyes, how much we miss Machete Scully, that Elvira should be Kersh’s secretary, how boring Toothpick Man is compared to bad ol’ CSM, trucker zoomies, and that Skinner just kind of sucks now. We reaffirm that you shouldn’t smother your kids with a PSA, object to the word ‘rubbings’, struggle to piece together the plot, and laugh at Doggett getting run over in a really silly way.

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This week we are untangling our reincarnated souls and their crimes while we discuss “Hellbound”! We’re talking our excitement about the inclusion of some coal mines, that Doggett has apparently seen TONS of skinned bodies in New York (tons!), Sweet Willy teaching himself how to make mac ‘n’ cheese and cut stock market deals, and discuss whether or not Doggett and Reyes can actually solve a case without Scully. We wonder why Doggett is touching all this evidence all the time, lovingly tease Reyes for wandering around with her unhelpful soulful feelings, get worried about Central Park’s lantern-body redecoration, and wonder when exactly Scully is going to actually do the job she’s being paid to do. Wise words from Doggett: Picking your victim because of their birthday is the very DEFINITION of a serial killer!

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