This week we are entering a low-resolution virtual reality and helping chimpanzees learn Shakespeare while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Madam, I’m Adam” and “Planet of the Frohikes”! We’re talking the running bit of The Lone Gunmen newspaper being found in the trash, whether or not Jimmy would be jealous of Mulder’s existence, Frohike getting into a beef with a child, finding goo in EVERY crevice, Yves being TLG’s emergency contact, that evil scientists can be wives too, and get really excited about the star of the show Maniac Marvin. We check in on Yves playing the Sims, get inspiration from a pro wrestler-themed wedding, wonder where we can sign up for the Monkey Liberation Army, note how Thomas Schnauz really got nepo-friended along in his career, and lament Ned Ryerson’s lack of a Blockbuster card. I mean, are you even alive if you don’t have a Blockbuster card?

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This week we are taking our faces off to reveal a tinier fiery face while we discuss “Empedocles”! We’re talking Reyes’ girl potential, comfy Scully, how dangerous it is to put two believers on one case, Jeb!, how much we enjoy how much Doggett and Mulder hate each other, and think it’s suspicious that Skinner didn’t show up to Scully’s hospital room. We do a lot of bad Batman voices (sorry in advance), wonder whether Mulder might actually be a ghost, try to stop Doggett from looming over Scully and having creepy visions, wonder whether Johnica could be a thing, debate the importance of an Evil Vaccine, and support Scully while she demands that Mulder be nice to Doggett, her only other friend. Also, this is serious business this week, because this is a case with some phenomena. What kind of phenomena? You’ll have to listen to find out.

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This week we are seeking out water-powered cars and being ill-equipped to take care of babies while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Like Water for Octane” and “Three Men and a Smoking Diaper”! We’re talking how Byers isn’t capable of carrying heavy boxes, question why Jimmy is doing all of their grunt work, add another Robe Wife to the collection, point out Langly’s cow trauma, and admire TLG’s cute little catsuits. We watch Langly go full cartoon mouth, realize that Byers was Suit Guy, get sad because Jimmy doesn’t know how to lick envelopes, laugh at yet another William, get scared of a bizarre kitchen appliance, and roll our eyes a lot at this whole baby storyline. Aren’t we getting enough of that on the main show?

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This week we are trying our best to get reinstated to our jobs while we discuss “Three Words”! We’re talking our triumphant return to the Mulder-only plot summaries, how much we’ve come to love Kersh and his evil ways, how Scully will still be working cases while she’s in labor, how much Doggett misses his pull tab case, and how much Mulder hates Doggett right off the bat. We laugh at Knowle Rohrer and the most suspicious hoodie of all time, how Scully is BESIDE HERSELF apparently, whether Skinner and Kersh take bets on their agents, that Doggett doesn’t know what a firewall is, and that Scully’s baby will happily help her threaten people. And some encouragement to take you through the week: Put a rise in your Levi’s.

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This week we are adding another member to the crew and breaking into old women’s houses while we discuss The Lone Gunmen episodes “Bond, Jimmy Bond” and “Eine Kleine Frohike”! We’re talking the ongoing motif of humiliating poor Tom Braidwood, whether or not Yves has a fake British accent, how much we love the evil henchman Mr. Luscious Lips and his signature move of kissing each bullet he shoots, how Langly has no idea how to clean anything, and say hello to Jimmy Bond. We are on the hunt for a secret Nazi baby, wonder where they got the funds or technology for the Mission Impossible masks, mourn the lack of a makeover montage, wonder if Mr. Luscious Lips disappears in a cloud of cologne, and wonder whether it’s funny to stare at an old woman’s ass. And wise words to remember: Never look a gift himbo in the abs.

Note: We goofed up the audio this week, and so unfortunately it sounds like we’re recording from a very deep well. Sorry about that, and back to the crisp audio you love next week!

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This week we are exhuming dead bodies and redefining the spa experience by sloughing off our entire bodies while we discuss “Deadalive”! We’re talking the dangers of Scully’s membrane rupturing from scary news, how excited we are about the return of the nanobots, how Doggett embodies the “if shit sux hit da bricks” meme, wonder why exactly they’re burying Mulder in North Carolina, and do some star chart and org chart analysis to figure out what Kersh’s deal is. We get embarrassed by Skinner playing keepaway with Krycek, realize that first names can be incredibly threatening, get excited about Skinner and Doggett’s first physical altercation, find it beautiful that everyone wants to pummel Krycek within 5-10 minutes of meeting him, and mourn poor Doggett and all the third-wheeling he will be doing now that Mulder is back. The man doesn’t know what he’s in for! And the one thing we know for sure: Mulder’s urge to bully Krycek truly could pierce the veil of death.

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This week we are spending some time with the boys while we discuss The Lone Gunmen “Pilot”! We’re talking how we are living the darkest future of this show, how strange it is that The Lone Gunmen still don’t seem to care about Mulder’s death, how right it is that Frohike still has a VW van from his hippie days, how apparently the entire crew hates poor Tom Braidwood now, how Byers has perma-baby face, and of course, the long-awaited “closely averting 9/11” plotline. We add Papa Byers to the Bad Dad Club, get some PTSD flashbacks to First Person Shooter, get excited that Langly wore a tie to the funeral, and debate whether there can be any pilots on old-timey shows. This is our warning to you: Be very careful when walking across wet carpet!

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This week we are trying to recover Mulder from a Nike Cult while we discuss “This Is Not Happening”! We’re talking how Theresa Hosey is the original Grunge Teen, how it’s dangerous to let Doggett emote on a plane, that Skinner may not be helpful in this investigation but he does have a great chest to cry into, how Scully and Skinner are like under-socialized dogs meeting a new dog at the park, and celebrate that Annabeth Gish has finally arrived! We worry that Doggett is getting outnumbered by believers, discuss Mulder’s future as a medical skeleton, wonder why Skinner didn’t just follow the trail of spleens Mulder left behind him after the UFO, and cheer on Richie Slay. Listen, we tried valiantly not to laugh at Scully’s “Nooooo!!!” because it is a sad moment, but we don’t quite make it.

Note: The Lone Gunmen coverage starts next week and will be interspersed with the rest of The X-Files Season 8.

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