Episode 5. Publish And Be Damned

All is abuzz in the sleepy little hamlet of Nottlikely. Nigella is over the moon that her autobiography “Eat, Pray, Fillet” is to be published by Gaga Books. The news is tempered by Lily’s announcement that her children’s nature story “Eats Roots and Leaves” has been published as well. When Courtney arrives to breathlessly announce that “I Did it Her Way” is hot off the presses Nigella smells a rat.  Seeking advice from the only sensible woman in the village, Nigella is taken aback when Hillary declares “My Husband is locked in the Cellar!”  Not a title but an admission. She has locked “Bill” in the cellar – so he’s not really missing, “but is it wrong for a woman to dream?”

On her way to confront Lord Gaga, Nigella is waylaid by Plod who is selling copies of her audiobook “Undercover – Ohh the things I’ve seen” and can’t help noticing a long queue formed outside the Abbey.

Ultimately Lord Gaga admits he’s the Head of MI3- Ladies Auxilliary, the most effective intelligence agency in the world – which is why you’ve never heard of it.

Their modus operandi is codified women’s fiction, “which explains 50 Shades of Grey”.  But what it doesn’t explain is that queue at the Abbey… and the whereabouts of Mother Theresa?

Featuring the "Vocal Stylations" of Emma Leonard, Jo Bryant, Sara Stone, Simon Van Der Stap, Sean Martindale and Gladys B************n as Lord Gaga.
Written by Mark Leonard 
Produced by Geoff McGarvey and Mark Leonard
(Any similarities to persons, living, dead or disgraced is entirely accidental!)

Lockdown Smockdown! Inspired by the runaway success of Lily’s home delivery phone sex start-up “Deliverude”, Nigella launches "Meat Your Maker", delivering freshly butchered meat to neighbouring villages. Her plans are soon threatened when a “cease and desist” demand arrives from Mother Theresa who claims the name infringes the copyright on The Abbey’s new home delivery service (from Baptism to Last Rights in the comfort of your own living room). The streets are no longer safe as saints, sinners and slaughterers battle for the soul of Nottlikely - on two wheels!
Featuring the vocal dexterity of Emma Leonard, Simon Van Der Stap, Sara Stone, Jo Briant and Shaun Martindale. Recorded & Produced by Geoff Mc Garvey & Mark Leonard at SoundEngine. Written by Mark Leonard.
Best enjoyed with a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down!

A  rumour sweeps the village that an entertainment superstar - let’s just call him “Robbie”, has checked in to The Cliff Richards (sic) Wing of The Abbey to detox.  The news stirs up “old feelings” for Nigella & Lily , both of whom “knew him” in their “previous lives”. Meanwhile, head of the school board Hillary is at loggerheads with Courtney over her “inclusive” direction of the school Xmas pageant, featuring five baby Jesus…es,  Three Wise Queens plus Mary and Joseph–ine.  Robbie engages his security guard Plod to uncover the whereabouts of an old flame so he can light her Xmas Pudding. However the custard hits the fan when Mother Theresa goes undercover and Plod reveals she always confused Cliff Richards (sic) with his brother Keith.

Featuring the vocal dexterity of Emma Leonard, Simon Van Der Stap, Sara Stone, Jo Briant and Shaun Martindale. Recorded & Produced by Geoff Mc Garvey & Mark Leonard at SoundEngine. Written by Mark Leonard.
Best enjoyed with a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down!

Lily discovers Nigella with blood on her hands and … the walls and the floor. Not to worry its “Just Offal” - her new tinned food concept. The village is abuzz as it’s The Festival of St Stevie where all the women gather in the forest, wearing handkerchief dresses, to summon the spirit of the Welsh goddess Rhiannon. 

There is controversy as town Mayoress Hillary has banned Courtney (again) because she is not really a woman -  but our drag queen has other ideas!

On hearing that Nigella is bringing a pot of her Offal Risotto for supper, Mother Theresa hatches a plan to expose the source of her exquisite sweetmeats.

The unexpected appearance of Lord Gaga (on whose land they are accidentally trespassing) foils her scheme when he declares Just Offal the most delicious thing he’s ever eaten and offers to distribute it throughout his supermarket empire. 

Featuring the vocal dexterity of Emma Leonard, Simon Van Der Stap, Sara Stone, Jo Briant and Shaun Martindale. Recorded & Produced by Geoff Mc Garvey & Mark Leonard at SoundEngine. Written by Mark Leonard.
Best enjoyed with a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down!

New to the leafy English village of Nottlikely, Nigella has signed up for the Tuck Shop roster at the local school where she encounters the effervescent Lily, flamboyant Courtney, over committed Hillary and a raft of colourful townswomen.

She discovers that they have something in common; all their husbands have mysteriously disappeared, not that they’re particularly concerned. The exception is Mother Theresa (no, not that one), Abbess of the local convent and keen amateur sleuth.  Aided, abetted but mostly hindered by third generation local policewoman Plod, Mother Theresa slices through the veneer of cheery normality in rural life to reveal a curious underbelly.

Who is this disarming newcomer? 

What is the secret of her Sausage Rolls? 

And what did happen to all the men?

Featuring the vocal dexterity of Emma Leonard, Simon Van Der Stap, Sara Stone, Jo Briant and Shaun Martindale. Recorded & Produced by Geoff Mc Garvey & Mark Leonard at SoundEngine. Written by Mark Leonard.
Best enjoyed with a cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down!