“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Maya Angelou It is the day after Independence Day. I’m watching the street sweeper brush up the remnants of yesterday’s fireworks shells on the neighborhood streets of Jacksonville Beach, Florida. The detritus of the party is all that is left after America’s red, white and blue holiday. Last night thousands of people poured past the front of my house to go to the beach to watch the fireworks and celebrate freedom and independence. Thousands of explosions small and large rocked the beach and I was in the middle of it. A far cry from the remote shores of Lake Superior in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where I have spent the last 10 years celebrating the holiday with my sister and family. But nothing is at all like the past for me this year and it has me examining my attachments really closely and getting super clear on what truly is conscious choice and surrender. Because somewhere in between that lies True Freedom in this lifetime. True freedom isn’t surrendering to the current and going with the flow that others set for us. A lot of people think that is an easy life - just let go! Don’t choose, let life take you as it may - everything happens for a reason etc…That’s just floating. Delegating your personal responsibility for your life to others so you have the excuse “I was just going with the flow!” or “I had no choice!” You did though. You chose not to choose in that situation because something in your programming, that artificial intelligence of your negative ego, has you so afraid to do so. whether you believe you can’t have nice things, or you are so afraid to fail, or who knows what your damage is, but if you never examine the baggage you carry, you will never know. On the other side, is someone like me. Controlling every single aspect of everything in your life with an exacting plan that everything must go according to, or else. Achieving the objective of the moment. Because achievement of the next thing is the highest good. Except sometimes, er, well, a lot of the time, my objective is misinformed because it comes from my subconscious programming and I am not aware of that, until it's too late. If you try to control every little thing you are so busy controlling you can’t see or hear the signs that there is something better or that a higher path could open up, paved in opportunities. Except in these situations I honestly believe I am acting from conscious choice when I double down in stubborn determinism and radical self reliance “to make it work!” to “achieve the gold star!” to “take care of the problem!” But as my recent move from St. Augustine to my partner's house in Jax Beach proves - NO, I’m not always aware of how my thoughts are creating my reality. And I made a lot of things harder on myself by just assuming I had to do it all myself because that is the way it has always been. Meanwhile my partner is left wondering why I didn’t trust him enough to ask for help. And I realized I didn’t because I assumed I couldn’t and I was afraid of retribution for asking at all. So yeah - I didn’t trust. So here I am - surrendering to the change and the shift - all beautiful things coming from being in partnership with another but I was completely unwilling to look at how I approached a situation with him on my team, or even being on a team period. Huh. Was that conscious choice from my higher self? I couldn’t let go of control and my subconscious programming for two seconds, I reacted and went right into “do it all yourself” mode. But I won’t do that specific thing again. Now that I see it and can be willing to let it go. I can learn from it and be aware in the future and not do it that way again. No shame, no blame or guilt. Yes I was emotional when the situation was brought up for me to look at it. But most of it was from the release of all that stored shit in my subconscious and it wasn’t directed at anybody, as much as it was messy. Literally my suitcase of unexpressed emotion was strewn all over my partner's living room. And luckily he’s very patient and held space to let me work it through. So how do we know if we are surrendering our attachments and living and choosing from the collective consciousness of the higher selves and ascended masters i.e. the positive ego, free of the negative ego and shadow self? We can’t sit there and analyze every action. Or can we? No, we can’t - that analysis paralysis would be using our lower self to attempt to solve the problem that got us there in the first place. We have to use discernment. And this is where training comes in and the invocation of the Adept Initiate. “It is by will alone that I set my mind in motion.” Every human being, myself very much included, is far from perfect but the path to know thyself allows us to get clearer and ...
