An emergency update. Thanks for listening.

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Democrats are pushing some shady policies, and today on What’s News With You with stand-up comedians Josh Johnson, Ashley Gavin, guest anchor Sheria Mattis, and YOU — we are covering it! The news team updates us on white-on-white racism, toxic gays, drugs in Philadelphia, Ezra Klein’s “Abundance,” and getting banned from the cookout. YOU, our listeners, update us on counter-Pride parades in South Korea being even gayer.

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North Korea has an outrageous new scheme, and today on What’s News With You with stand-up comedians Josh Johnson, Ashley Gavin, guest anchor Tommy Brennan, and YOU — we are covering it! The news team updates us on journaling, humans coughing like cats, Guy Fieri, and new propaganda to get gay people into North Korean water parks. YOU, our listeners, update us on two mysterious individuals apprehended by the police for spreading unstoppable heavy metal vibes.

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They’re ACTUALLY eating the pets in Maryland, and today on What’s News With You with stand-up comedians Josh Johnson, Ashley Gavin, guest anchor Alex Dragicevich, and YOU — we are covering it! The news team updates us on China dunking on the U.S., getting pooped on by birds, the loneliness of money, and the power of the Serbian connection. YOU, our listeners, update us on having to cut off contact with your cousin after he hunted and ate the neighbor's pet Emu.

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American elites are behaving like crackheads, and today on What’s News With You with stand-up comedians Josh Johnson, Ashley Gavin, guest anchor Eagle Witt, and YOU — we are covering it! The news team updates us on alligator poop, getting waves, and corporations at Pride parades. YOU, our listeners, update us on marijuana removing your arms and Wisconsinites getting cartoonishly drunk.

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White hair is defying all logic and decency, and today on What’s News With You with stand-up comedians Josh Johnson, Ashley Gavin, guest anchor Emily Wilson, and YOU — we are covering it! The news team updates us on treadmills murdering people, desperately needing a haircut, and making choices despite everyone telling you not to. YOU, our listeners, update us moon-walking strangers seeking violence and the disturbing new link between humans and dolphins: horniness.

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Ohio is getting EVEN WORSE to live in, and today on What’s News With You with stand-up comedians Josh Johnson, Ashley Gavin, guest anchor Ali Kolbert, and YOU — we are covering it! The news team updates us on terrorizing dog parks, getting the splits, finding the Lord, and your smoke-show sister stopping a mass shooting with her hotness. YOU, our listeners, update us on Houston police having their confiscated drugs eaten by rats and cars CONTINUING to crash into everything in Ohio.

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