I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye
A Memoir of Loss, Grief, and Love
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Narrated by:
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Ivan Maisel
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By:
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Ivan Maisel
About this listen
In this deeply emotional memoir, a longtime ESPN writer reflects on the suicide of his son Max and delves into how their complicated relationship led him to see grief as love.
In February 2015, Ivan Maisel received a call that would alter his life forever: His son Max's car had been found abandoned in a parking next to Lake Ontario. Two months later, Max's body would be found in the lake.
There’d been no note or obvious indication that Max wanted to harm himself; he’d signed up for a yearlong subscription to a dating service; he’d spent the day he disappeared doing photography work for school. And this uncertainty became part of his father’s grief. I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye explores with grace, depth, and refinement the tragically transformative reality of losing a child. But it also tells the deeply human and deeply empathetic story of a father’s relationship with his son, of its complications, and of Max and Ivan’s struggle - as is the case for so many parents and their children - to connect.
I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye is a stunning, poignant exploration of the father and son relationship, of how our tendency to overlook men’s mental health can have devastating consequences, and how ultimately letting those who grieve do so openly and freely can lead to greater healing.
PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.
©2021 Ivan Maisel (P)2021 Hachette BooksListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
"At the center of this beautifully written memoir by a father about his son Max, is a loving, devoted family. Ivan is a sportswriter, his clean, direct writing style is riveting and emotional. One winter day, when his son goes missing on purpose, the family unspools first in shock, then grief, and finally redemption as the author finds a letter written to him from Max from happier times. There is so much love in this memoir, the reader too, is redeemed. There is humor and grace as the Maisels find their way in the world without this beautiful soul in their midst. The family holds their memories of this original, one of a kind young man in their hearts. You will too. I couldn't put it down." (Adriana Trigiani, best-selling author of The Shoemaker's Wife)
“This is a poignant memoir about the love that propels us to carry on and move forward after loss. Ivan Maisel gives voice to emotions that many of us have felt but few have been able to articulate.” (Adam Grant, number one New York Times best-selling author of Think Again and coauthor of Option B)
“This is a story about grief, and loss and sorrow, yes. But it is also a story about triumph over those things, about love, devotion and grace.” (Wright Thompson, New York Times best-selling author of Pappyland)
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Chicken Soup for the Soul - Find Your Happiness
- 101 Inspirational Stories about Finding Your Purpose, Passion, and Joy
- By: Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen
- Narrated by: Cynthia Barrett
- Length: 11 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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What makes you happy? Others share how they found their passion, purpose, and joy in life in these 101 personal and exciting stories that are sure to inspire and encourage listeners to find their own happiness. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Find Your Happiness will encourage listeners to pursue their dreams, find their passion and seek joy in their life with its 101 personal and inspiring stories. This book continues Chicken Soup for the Soul’s focus on inspiration and hope, reminding us that we all can find our own happiness.
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I got even more depressed
- By Tom on 09-08-14
By: Jack Canfield, and others
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Secrets of the Monarch
- What the Dead Can Teach Us About Living a Better Life
- By: Allison DuBois
- Narrated by: Renee Raudman
- Length: 5 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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If you want to understand life, you must understand death. In Secrets of the Monarch, DuBois shows how communicating with the dead has taught her important lessons about life and how listeners can apply those principles to their own lives.
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Secrets of the Monarch
- By MikeH on 07-28-11
By: Allison DuBois
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The Unspeakable
- And Other Subjects of Discussion
- By: Meghan Daum
- Narrated by: Meghan Daum
- Length: 6 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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It's a report tempered by hard times. In "Matricide", Daum unflinchingly describes a parent's death and the uncomfortable emotions it provokes; and in "Diary of a Coma" she relates her own journey to the twilight of the mind. But Daum also operates in a comic register. With perfect precision, she reveals the absurdities of the marriage-industrial complex, of the New Age dating market, and of the peculiar habits of the young and digital.
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Complaining about her dead mom.
- By Erik Hermansen on 11-23-14
By: Meghan Daum
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Rare Bird
- A Memoir of Loss and Love
- By: Anna Whiston-Donaldson
- Narrated by: Hillary Huber
- Length: 8 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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On an ordinary September day, 12-year-old Jack is swept away in a freak neighborhood flood. His parents and younger sister are left to wrestle with the awful questions: How could God let this happen? Can we ever be happy again? They each fall into the abyss of grief in different ways. And in the days and months to come, they each find their faltering way toward peace. In Rare Bird, Anna Whiston-Donaldson unfolds a mother's story of loss that leads, in time, to enduring hope.
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Warning! Tears
- By Madge on 08-16-15
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Your Turn
- How to Be an Adult
- By: Julie Lythcott-Haims
- Narrated by: Julie Lythcott-Haims
- Length: 20 hrs and 21 mins
- Unabridged
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What does it mean to be an adult? In the 20th century, psychologists came up with five markers of adulthood: finish your education, get a job, leave home, marry, and have children. Since then, every generation has been held to those same markers. Yet so much has changed about the world and living in it since that sequence was formulated. All of those markers are choices, and they’re all valid, but any one person’s choices along those lines do not make them more or less an adult.
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Not the book that was advertised
- By M. Rogers on 04-13-21
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Happily Ever After
- The Life-Changing Power of a Grateful Heart
- By: Trista Sutter
- Narrated by: Trista Sutter
- Length: 5 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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Whether or not you remember Trista (Rehn) Sutter from her heartbreak on the first season of The Bachelor reality show or as the original Bachelorette, you’ve probably seen her on the cover of magazines like People and US Weekly or on shows like Ellen and Dancing with the Stars. She has rarely been out of the public eye since falling in love with Ryan Sutter on The Bachelorette more than ten years ago.
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Not what I was expecting
- By marcie on 01-09-17
By: Trista Sutter
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Mother Daughter Me
- A Memoir
- By: Katie Hafner
- Narrated by: Katie Hafner
- Length: 9 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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The complex, deeply binding relationship between mothers and daughters is brought vividly to life in Katie Hafner's remarkable memoir, an exploration of the year she and her mother, Helen, spent working through, and triumphing over, a lifetime of unresolved emotions. Dreaming of a "year in Provence" with her mother, Katie urges Helen to move to San Francisco to live with her and Zoe, Katie's teenage daughter. Katie and Zoe had become a mother-daughter team, strong enough, Katie thought, to absorb the arrival of a 77-year-old woman set in her ways....
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Listen and be swept away!
- By Barbara Quick on 06-02-22
By: Katie Hafner
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Let's Roll!
- By: Lisa Beamer, Ken Abraham - contributor
- Narrated by: Lisa Helm
- Length: 8 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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On September 11, 2001, Lisa Beamer was thrust into the national spotlight after her husband, Todd, became an American hero by preventing terrorist hijackers from almost certainly flying United Flight 93 into the White House or the United States Capitol. Instead, Todd led a group of passengers to resist the hijackers, forcing the plane to crash into a Pennsylvania field. Todd and the other heroes of Flight 93 gave their lives so that untold others would be spared. Nothing could be more heroic. Lisa is now telling that story, and much more.
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Inspiring book. I couldn't put it down.
- By Sam on 09-13-03
By: Lisa Beamer, and others
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Carly's Voice
- Breaking Through Autism
- By: Arthur Fleischmann, Carly Fleischmann
- Narrated by: Patrick Lawlor, Cassandra Campbell
- Length: 11 hrs and 50 mins
- Unabridged
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At the age of two, Carly Fleischmann was diagnosed with severe autism and an oral motor condition that prevented her from speaking. Doctors predicted that she would never intellectually develop beyond the abilities of a small child. Although she made some progress after years of intensive behavioral and communication therapy, Carly remained largely unreachable. Then, at age 10, Carly had a breakthrough....
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A peek inside...
- By Yolanda on 08-09-13
By: Arthur Fleischmann, and others
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As I Knew Him
- My Dad, Rod Serling
- By: Anne Serling
- Narrated by: Anne Serling
- Length: 8 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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To Anne Serling, the imposing figure the public saw hosting The Twilight Zone each week, intoning cautionary observations about fate, chance, and humanity, was not the father she knew. Her fun-loving dad would play on the floor with the dogs, had nicknames for everyone in the family, and was apt to put a lampshade on his head and break out in song. He was her best friend, her playmate, and her confidant. After his unexpected death at 50, Anne, just 20, was left stunned.
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A Beautiful Tribute to a Wonderful Man
- By Becky on 04-12-20
By: Anne Serling
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Little Matches
- A Memoir of Finding Light in the Dark
- By: Maryanne O'Hara
- Narrated by: Maryanne O'Hara
- Length: 9 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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When their only child was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis (CF) at the age of two, Maryanne O'Hara and her husband were told that Caitlin could live a long life or be dead in a matter of months. Thirty-one years later, Caitlin lost her battle with this devastating disease following an excruciating two-year wait on the transplant list and a last-minute race to locate a pair of healthy lungs. The sudden spiral of events left Maryanne in an existential crisis, searching to find an answer to the eternal question: Why we are here?
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I don't know who needs to read it...
- By H. Hill on 04-18-23
By: Maryanne O'Hara
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Women Rowing North
- By: Mary Pipher
- Narrated by: Suzanne Toren
- Length: 8 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
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Women growing older contend with ageism, misogyny and loss. Yet as Mary Pipher shows, most older women are deeply happy and filled with gratitude for the gifts of life. Their struggles help them grow into the authentic, empathetic and wise people they have always wanted to be. In Women Rowing North, Pipher offers a timely examination of the cultural and developmental issues women face as they age.
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The narrator is a distraction
- By Amazon Customer on 03-01-19
By: Mary Pipher
What listeners say about I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Daniel Anderson
- 12-15-21
Very moving book about how we grieve
I learned a lot about grieving. Very moving story and insights about parenthood and grieving. Highly recommended.
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- Jonathan Byrd
- 01-09-22
Touching story from a loving father
No parent should ever have to write the story of their own child’s suicide. Yet Ivan Maisel tells about his heartbreaking loss forthrightly with detailed clarity. I feel I know his son Max and can grieve along with the author. He describes grief as a manifestation of his love. In fact, his grief will never go away because his love will never go away. Curiously this provides some comfort to the author and it seems helpful to me dealing with my own loss in life.
It’s a quick read and worth every moment. The author reads it himself in his own deadpan style which initially sounded a bit staccato but I eventually found endearing.
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- Bryan Banks
- 07-14-23
I’m not crying, you’re crying
I was always a big fan of Ivan Maisel’s work at ESPN, be it spoken or written. I recall reading the story of him losing his son when news broke. As sad and heartbroken I felt for him and his family then, this book brings those feelings right back. It’s sad, but a great read for how to view loss and manage grief.
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- hencyn57
- 12-05-21
Excellently Witten and Narrated
My husband and I lost our 20 yo son 24yo to sudden cardiac death and although the cause was different than for Max's, I totally identify with the experiences, emotions, stages, regrets, guilty feelings and the time it takes to begin to heal individually and as a family from that early very raw pain and trauma. I will recommend this book to others that I meet aling my jounrney who have been unfortunate enough to join this awful club of losonf one of our children Thank you for putting into words what so many struggle to convey who are walking in our shoes.
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- M. Flowers
- 11-23-21
loved it!
This book touched my heart. I laughed and I cried. After losing several family members within a short period of time, the grief that I felt was horrible. Thanks to Ivan Maisel I understand grief as never before. Ivan said, "grief is love." I had never thought of that. But certainly needed to hear it.
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- Benny Profane
- 12-09-21
Moving, powerful and, yes, sometimes excruciating
First, full disclosure. I worked with Ivan at ESPN and have known him for decades. I was probably part of the group of co-workers who fell short when it came to providing support.
Why? Because as a father of two young boys, I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child to suicide. And don't want to. Even contemplating it creates an anxiety I'd rather avoid entirely. I didn't know what a father in his position would want. And I was too afraid -- no, cowardly -- to ask.
Multiple times I lingered over purchasing this book. Something resisted. Then I finally did.
So as I listened to a familiar voice tell me his excruciating story, I struggled with my own emotions -- starting with guilt... and then guilt over thinking about how this was making ME feel, instead of reaching out emotionally and intellectually toward empathy.
What I began to see as I became immersed in Ivan's profoundly honest narrative was that we all fall short. Frequently. Maybe every day. We're all human. And the only thing we can do is try to do better tomorrow. And if we don't, then try again the next day.
It's tragic that Max was riddled with the horrors of depression. It's tragic that Ivan and his family won't get to see him become a fully developed adult, with interests and relationships and moments of joy and, yes, sadness, just like themselves.
But grief is love. And this honest recounting about coming to terms with grief as much as it is possible is a loving tribute to Max, a memorial that is great because it is so purely, wonderfully, terribly human.
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