
The Mother Code
My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths That Shape Us
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Narrated by:
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Ruthie Ackerman
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By:
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Ruthie Ackerman
About this listen
In this propulsive memoir, an award-winning journalist blends history, science, and cultural criticism to uncover whether motherhood outside of society’s rigid rules and expectations is possible—and whether she fits the mold for what a mother should be.
“This tender, generous book does the hard work of redefining ‘motherhood’ and ‘family’ so that they honor all aspects of a woman’s life.”—Christie Tate, author of the New York Times bestseller Group
Ruthie Ackerman had long believed that the decision to not have children was a radical act. She’d grown up being told that she came from a long line of women who had abandoned their kids and feared she would pass on her half-brother’s rare genetic disorder. So when she marries a man who doesn’t want children, she hopes she can be happy without any. But a voice in her head keeps returning to the question: What if mothering can be a radical act too? When her marriage veers off course, she goes searching through the twists and turns of her DNA to decide once and for all whether she should become a mother.
By the time Ruthie finally determines that she desperately wants a child, she learns that motherhood won’t happen the way she thought it would. Now she must enter the hall of mirrors where biology, genetics, and philosophy collide as she wonders what it means to both create and nurture a life. What does inheritance really entail? What does it mean to be a “good” mother? When it comes down to it, how important is nature versus nurture? And where are the models for what a “good life” can look like for women, both with and without children?
Synthesizing reportage and memoir, The Mother Code unravels how we’ve come to understand the institution of motherhood. What emerges is a groundbreaking new vision for what it means to parent: a mother code that goes beyond our bloodlines and genetics and instead urges us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love.
©2025 Ruthie Ackerman (P)2025 Random House AudioCritic reviews
“Ruthie Ackerman offers readers a behind-the-scenes tour of her decision to become a mother despite a troubling legacy. This tender, generous book does the hard work of redefining ‘motherhood’ and ‘family’ so that they honor all aspects of a woman’s life.”—Christie Tate, author of the New York Times bestseller Group
“A warm, candid memoir with a clear-eyed take on the conflicting pressures placed on Gen-X women, and all the ways choosing one path in life means forsaking others.”—Ada Calhoun, New York Times bestselling author of Why We Can’t Sleep
“Ackerman’s stunning memoir pulls back the curtain on so many life stages that we’re taught from an early age should come easily and with great rewards. She lays bare the grief and bittersweetness inextricably tied to them all.”—Rebecca Soffer, bestselling author of The Modern Loss Handbook
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Outstanding Mom-oir
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Mothering is not just gestation but is an act of nurturing others, of recognizing the needs of others and seeking to meet that need. Ruthie rightly recognizes that women have been bombarded with unrealistic standards of the “good mother.” I was struck by the tension between Ruthie’s intense desire to become a mother, to become pregnant, with her tragic admission that she would likely abort a child that had certain abnormalities. To me, mothering is accepting a person in their imperfection, protecting others, receiving others, nurturing that life, not because they are perfect, deserving of love, etc but because their dignity demands that response.
Vulnerable, raw, honest
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A must read for any of us on the path of donor conception
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It took me halfway through this book to realize that the author should have been in therapy long ago for their trauma-based abandonment issues to help them accept what THEY wanted was actually important.
It also made it clear how all people on fertility journeys should have access to mental health care to help with coping mechanisms, encourage outlets for emotional, and healthier communication during the highs and lows.
The Mother Code = Motherhood in Modern America
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