Dr. Rob continues his conversation with Dr. Geoff Goodman about the power of the 12 Step program, which worked for Geoff when nothing else did. Finding an effective therapist who can support you and your partner requires so much more than just delving into the past - it requires making demands and setting goals that you can realistically achieve as you move forward. One huge component of recovery for both you and your partner is finding the right support groups. If the first one isn’t a good fit, don’t give up, keep trying until you are surrounded by people who can lift you up, whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse!

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:30] The power of the 12 Step program, for Geoff, is that it works.

[3:18] Understanding the why behind your addiction won’t automatically shift your behavior.

[8:50] Effective therapists will help addicts beyond simply understanding their past.

[11:28] If you’re acting out sexually in ways that are ruining your life, your therapist can help!

[13:35] Addiction recovery does not equate to relationship therapy.

[16:02] How might spouses consider self-examination without feeling blamed for their spouse’s addiction?

[19:45] Finding needed support when finances and resources don’t allow it.

[24:26] “I don’t belong there”- how to find the right support group for you.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Dr. Geoff Goodman

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

12 Step Recovery

QUOTES:

• “I didn’t want to make a complete lifestyle change. I wanted to get better, but avoid that.”
• “Addiction is so irresistible that knowing the causes is a nice intellectual pursuit but it doesn’t really help you on the ground.”
• “The 12 Step Program isn’t going to turn your husband into Prince Charming.”
• “You are healing and changing itself does not make you a loving, kind, empathing, engaged partner. It just means you stopped lying and stopped hating yourself.”

Dr. Rob welcomes back podcast guest Dr. Geoff Goodman for a conversation about the impact that addiction has on relationships. He offers insights into the struggle of not only the addict, but of their partner as well, and shares his experience with falling in love with a woman who did not know that he was an addict. Some partners are more supportive and involved while others appear to be disinterested or even disgusted and fed up. No matter what scenario you’re in, there is hope for finding a life beyond addiction, together.

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:24] What people don’t understand about addicts, from the partner perspective.

[3:56] Dr. Geoff revealed his own sex addiction to his partner long before they were married.

[6:30] From a spouse’s point of view, learning about addiction can feel like a bait and switch.

[7:50] ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ only works for so long in a committed relationship. Even the ‘right one’ can’t resolve a loved one’s addiction.

[10:15] Willing yourself out of addictive behavior has a very short success rate.

[11:22] When enough is enough, there is hope for addicts.

[12:46] Addiction prevents partners from being fully committed to each other, both in and out of the bedroom.

[16:40] Reading literature about porn addiction can help a partner understand what you are going through.

[18:46] Your partner knows better than anyone what you are going through in recovery.

[19:39] Geoff’s career of treating sex addicts didn’t start until he was in recovery.

[22:40] Geoff explains why he doesn’t self-disclose to his patients.

[24:50] The impact of addiction and recovery on parenting.

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Dr. Geoff Goodman

Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment

Partner Sexuality Survey

QUOTES:

• “From a spouses’ point of view, addiction must feel like a bait and switch.”
• “Reading literature about porn addiction helped broaden the picture to help her understand that this isn’t unique to me. This is a problem that many men experience.”
• “I can’t even imagine being a father and acting out, even though I know it happens all of the time.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Josh Nichols on some of the common tactics addicts and abusers use to gaslight their victims. In this episode, Josh focuses on the person who is receiving the gaslight treatment. Whatever you might be going through, there is no shame in staying with your addict. Sometimes the best thing for your family is to work through the issues, and sometimes the best thing for your family is for you to leave. Each case is individual to the person, but the most important thing you should know is that you’re not crazy and that your initial gut reaction is almost always correct!

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:35] Why do abusers work so hard to make someone think they’re crazy?

[3:35] You’re not a bad person if you were on the receiving end of this treatment.

[6:00] Abusers love to discredit your gut feelings and intuition, but your intuition is still accurate, deep down.

[8:25] A healthy person wants to have a conversation about an issue or a feeling they’re having, the gaslighter does not. They want you to be distracted by something else.

[11:45] It’s okay to question someone else’s version of reality.

[13:15] You’re not a weak person for staying with an abuser.

[15:25] What made Josh so interested in this subject?

[19:40] You’re not alone in your pain. There are many people who have had to deal with a gaslighter.

[20:00] You are not this bad person that your abuser has made you out to be!

RESOURCES:

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101

Seeking Integrity

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss

Familysolutionsok.com

QUOTES:

• “Abusers do it in such a way where they make you feel silly, stupid, or crazy. They teach you to not trust your gut, but your gut is still accurate.”
• “A healthy person wants to have more conversation about it, a gaslighter does not. The whole goal is to get you off my trail.”
• “Sometimes courage is leaving, and sometimes courage is staying.”