Parent Judgment Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

I'm sure you've heard it too, the judgment that parents these days aren't doing a good job, that parents are out of touch or too soft, that they give in to their kids too easily, they're over involved helicopter parents or under involved don't care parents. Maybe you heard some unsolicited advice on your parenting choices, your birthing choice, your feeding practice or your sleep routines.

In this podcast, we'll be talking about parent judgment.

BARB HOPKIN:

I really feel that this is such an important topic for community and for parents to support each other and understand each other on our unique path is so critical to avoiding judgment. And you know, parenting is not easy, and there's definitely not a right way to handle challenges or even to celebrate successes. So knowing that we have the ability to confidently navigate judgment from others, while still being very mindful of differences in parenting so as not to pass judgment will not only help us grow as parents and do the best for our children, but also create that supportive parenting community that can be so healthy for parents and their children.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Parent judgment can manifest in different ways including overt criticism, unsolicited advice, subtle disapproval, gossip, or even silent disapproving glances.

Parent judgment can have a significant impact on the well-being and confidence of parents who experience it. It can lead to feelings of self-doubt, guilt, shame or frustration. And it can also create a sense of isolation and make parents hesitate to seek support or share their challenges for fear of being judged.

BARB HOPKIN:

We all have the power to define our worth as a parent. So really focusing on what's most important, our child's happiness, trusting our instincts, and having that supportive network or reaching out for professional help when needed.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I'd like to introduce our guests for today's podcast, Barbara Hopkin. Barb earned her master's degree in counseling from the University of Wyoming. She's worked with children and families as a community mental health counselor and as a school counselor. More recently, she's played a critical role developing the tools and resources that are found on ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org. So welcome, Barb.

BARB HOPKIN:

Thank you, Annmarie. I'm so excited to be here. Parent judgment is such an important topic for parents who feel judged as well as parents who find themselves judging. As parents, we always tend to be our own harshest critic, so knowing how to deal with judgment is really important to growing our confidence. And oftentimes, the times when judgment comes up, parents need support more than ever.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So parents judge each other in a lot of situations and on a range of parenting choices and behaviors. Let's just talk about some of those situations where parents tend to judge each other.

BARB HOPKIN:

There are quite a few situations where judgment comes up, ranging from parenting styles when it comes to different disciplinary approaches, attachment parenting, free range parenting, authoritative parenting versus permissive parenting. A lot of judgment can come up when it comes to feeding and nutrition, breastfeeding versus formula feeding, when to introduce solid foods and then dietary choices as kids grow. Screen time and technology use can definitely be a topic that brings judgment, varying limits on screen time, what's age appropriate content wise, electronic device use it can all have very different approaches from different parents, which leads to judgment. When it comes to education, the choice between home school and public school, private...

Improve Your relationship with Your Parenting Partner Podcast - Part 2

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

This is the second podcast of two where we’re talking about intentional ways to grow a healthy relationship with your parenting partner. If you haven’t already listened to Part 1 yet, that’s OK. You might want to listen to it next.

As parents, we want to be at our best for our children. I've learned that if I want to be at my best, I need to take care of my own health and wellbeing and that includes learning ways to improve my relationship with my parenting partner.

Many of us experience changes in our relationship when we become parents, a child can bring about positive changes, there might be a new and different level of connection. A child can bring about strains too, less sleep, less time to talk, less time to spend together.

We might find ourselves disagreeing more, we might not have the energy to sort out the differences as they arise. Intentionally growing a healthy relationship with your parenting partner means that we are nurturing and strengthening our relationship, often by figuring out ways to communicate in a way that deepens our intimacy.

I'd like to re-introduce our guests for the podcast, Tom and Mary Frances Burke who have been married for 42 years, Steve and Debbie Robbins who have been married 37 years, and Father Tom Ogg, who has been a priest for 54 years.

Together they have over 100 years of working together with couples to help them listen and share and connect more deeply in their relationships.

In Part 1, we learned about how trust and being able to communicate about our feelings creates a foundation for strong relationships between parenting partners.

We heard a definition of feelings...

FR. TOM OGG:

What is a feeling? And the understanding or the definition, if you will, that I like is an inner, spontaneous reaction to something outside, to another person, another situation, to an event, something outside ourselves, but it's an inner, spontaneous reaction. And if I have that that frees me up for lots of things so that I can talk about it, I can fuss about it, I can do whatever, and not be hurting anybody. It's me, my insides.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

And how this definition really can change how we approach communicating about our feelings…

MARY FRANCES BURKE:

I think when we accept the basic tenet that feelings just happen. We don't choose to feel angry, we don't choose to feel happy, we just are. We have a good friend who says, "Feelings are like a sneeze," it just happens. And I think when we accept that basic tenet, we can let down our defenses and talk in a more civil, polite, understanding way about the situation, we're much less likely to be defensive and angry, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way," or, "I didn't make you feel that way," or, "That's not my problem, that's your problem, fix it."

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I think the ability to identify and name your feelings is so foundational, but for you to listen to each other is another skill that can be practiced and grown. So, let’s start Part 2 on the skill of listening. How do we become better at listening?

DEBBIE ROBBINS:

I am a terrible listener, but I have forced myself to start to learn. And I think when Steve is communicating at a deeper level, when he is talking about his feelings, it is really my responsibility to listen deeply and understand and ask questions. "Well, when else have you felt like that? What color is that? What smell is that? What other vision does it bring, if this feeling were on the street, what would it be doing?" And trying to just put myself totally 100% focused on him at the moment really has helped me to learn to listen and to let go of...

Being at Your Best as a Parent.Taking Care of Your Health and Wellbeing Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

As parents, we want to be at our best for our children. I’ve learned that if I want to be at my best, I need to take care of my own health and wellbeing, and that includes my social and emotional health along with my physical health.

JENNIFER MILLER:

We need to look at ways to care for ourselves, care for our wellbeing in order to be the parents we want to be, and I think it starts with really small steps.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Many of us experience changes in our relationship with ourselves when we’re in a parenting role. A child brings about positive changes in identity as we play a necessary role in their lives. But a child can bring about some strains too - less sleep, less time to connect with others, less time for nutrition, exercise and reflection. We might find ourselves feeling stressed, depleted, or even overwhelmed more often and feeling incapable of devoting energy to our own well-being when we are so focused on caring for others.

JENNIFER MILLER:

I think our kids need to understand that we are human and that we are constantly learning and developing, and that they are part of that learning and development.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I’d like to introduce our guest for today’s podcast. Jennifer Miller, author of the book “Confident Parents, Confident Kids; Raising Emotional Intelligence In Our Kids and Ourselves from Toddlers to Teenagers.” Jennifer has over 25 years of experience working with adults - whether educators or parents - helping them become more effective with the children they care for by learning to nurture their social and emotional well-being. She will be sharing some valuable insights on ways in which busy parents and caregivers can care for their own well-being in the midst of the many demands they face.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Welcome, thanks for being here.

JENNIFER MILLER:

Thanks Annmarie, I'm looking forward to our conversation today.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So, to get started. Most of us know that we should eat healthy food and get exercise to feel better and contribute to our health. But what do you mean when you say contributing to a parent's social and emotional health? What is social and emotional health and what does that look like?

JENNIFER MILLER:

I'm going to start out with emotional health. I think we, uh, have to know our inner expressions, our inner states and, uh, that's no small feat in a culture that tells us what we can feel, what we can't feel, what we can show in public, what we can't show in public. So most of us are not that well in tune with what's going on with our emotions. So, it takes attention, it takes acceptance of what we're feeling, it takes some reflection to ask questions about the what and the way. What are we feeling? Often it's a constellation of a mix of emotions.

Sometimes they're conflicting, sometimes we don't have language that really works for us to pinpoint what we're feeling, which can be really frustrating. And, we see it in our children, we see it in our teens when we ask them what they're feeling and they can't really well communicate what's going on inside. So, it takes that reflection of asking both the what, what are we really feeling here? And then why. What- what triggered it? What circumstances are surrounding it? And an even deeper question is where did it come from?

So emotions are created, are learned over a lifetime, and often our emotions stem from situations that occurred when we were young. And when we have those emotions as a parent, we don't necessarily draw that history or connection to that...