Episodes

  • From Self-Judgment to Self-Compassion: A Guide to Emotional Resilience w/Nate and Marla Christensen

    From Self-Judgment to Self-Compassion: A Guide to Emotional Resilience w/Nate and Marla Christensen
    Nov 14 2024
    Tony welcomes guests Nate and Marla Christensen to discuss the concept of self-compassion. Nate is an ALPC, and Marla is an ALPC and AMFT. They delve into the groundbreaking research of Kristen Neff, who has spent 20 years studying the benefits of self-compassion, including its effects on PTSD, anxiety, depression, and overall mental health. The episode explores the three main components of self-compassion—mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity—and addresses common misconceptions such as self-compassion being viewed as weakness, self-indulgence, or selfishness. They share personal insights and clinical experiences, making a compelling case for incorporating self-compassion into daily life and therapy. Nate and Marla are both currently working under Tony's license, and both currently have openings in their schedule. To reach Nate, email him at natechristensencounseling@gmail.com, and for Marla, email marlachristensencounseling@gmail.com, or you can contact them through Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com. You can view Nate and Marla's episode on LeadingSaints.org here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=0f9P-Xk5ZaE 00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview 02:46 Guest Introduction: Nate and Marla Christensen 02:53 Discussing Self-Compassion 03:45 Nate and Marla's Professional Background 08:16 The Importance of Self-Compassion 14:25 Common Misconceptions About Self-Compassion 17:04 Scientific Insights on Self-Compassion 25:25 Historical Context and Recent Research 27:27 Exploring Self-Compassion 28:32 Understanding Mindfulness 30:59 Practicing Self-Kindness 32:52 Embracing Common Humanity 34:58 Motivation Through Self-Compassion 35:53 Challenges in Self-Compassion 39:14 Cultural Perspectives on Compassion 41:11 Reparenting and Emotional Maturity 45:52 Final Thoughts and Reflections
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    53 mins
  • Anxiety, Aging, and Emotional Autonomy: I Was "This Many Years Old" When I Learned My Parents Were Regular People

    Anxiety, Aging, and Emotional Autonomy: I Was "This Many Years Old" When I Learned My Parents Were Regular People
    Oct 28 2024
    Have you ever wondered why your aging parent suddenly needs to arrive an hour early for everything? Or why, after knowing them your entire life, they suddenly appear to be trying to exert control and order at a level that you’ve never experienced? In today’s episode of The Virtual Couch podcast, Tony Overbay, LMFT, takes us on a fascinating journey through the human brain, starting with the incredible story of Phineas Gage - the man who survived an iron rod through his head and lived to tell the tale (though he wasn't quite the same person afterward). From there, he dives into something most all of us are impacted by, either directly or through someone that we care about - anxiety. But not just any anxiety - we're talking about why our caveman's brains are still trying to protect us from tigers in the parking lot and how this shows up differently as we age. Tony breaks down the fundamental differences between normal aging, dementia, and Alzheimer's in a way that finally makes sense. Tony then breaks down a listener's email about their father’s increasingly anxious behaviors. Tony unpacks powerful tools for handling these delicate family situations. Tony introduces the acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) principle of psychological flexibility (think yoga for your emotions) and shares David Schnarch's “4 Points of Balance” to becoming more differentiated, which helps you maintain your sanity while staying connected to those you love. Tony explains Schnarch’s 'crucible' as the transformative space where relationships grow or crack under pressure. Whether you're dealing with an aging parent, a challenging relationship, or just trying to understand why people do what they do, this episode offers the “why” behind our anxious and controlling behaviors and practical ways to navigate life's complicated relationships without losing yourself. 00:00 The Incredible Story of Phineas Gage 04:04 Introduction to the Virtual Couch 05:38 Listener's Email: Concerns About Aging Parent 07:40 Understanding Anxiety and Its Evolution 14:57 Distinguishing Dementia and Alzheimer's 17:33 Coping with Aging and Anxiety 24:50 Practical Advice for Managing Anxiety 24:59 Reframing Perspectives 25:09 Empathy and Understanding 25:25 Intentional Conversations 25:55 Meeting Halfway 26:12 Choosing Your Battles 26:54 Boundaries vs Ultimatums 27:12 Psychological Reactance 30:22 Differentiation and Emotional Autonomy 32:57 Four Points of Balance 38:30 Constructing Your Crucible 44:43 Final Thoughts and Takeaways To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course Please follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384 Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
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    49 mins
  • Navigating Societal Expectations, Faith Crisis and Personal Growth - the Allegory “Off the Beaten Path”

    Navigating Societal Expectations, Faith Crisis and Personal Growth - the Allegory “Off the Beaten Path”
    Oct 23 2024
    Tony Overbay, LMFT explores themes of faith journeys, parental expectations, communication, differentiation, and self-discovery through an allegorical story titled 'Off the Beaten Path: Finding Love and Self in a World of Conformity.' The narrative follows a young man named Ansel, who grapples with societal expectations, familial pressures, and his journey toward self-acceptance. Through meaningful encounters and introspection, Ansel learns to embrace his individuality amidst traditional, religious, and cultural norms. This episode also highlights the importance of personal integrity the challenges of navigating faith and family systems, and encourages listeners to explore their unique talents and values. Tony invites the audience to share their stories and questions about their own faith and family journeys for future episodes. 00:00 Welcome and Introduction 01:17 “Not My Job” song by: Riley Hope 02:48 The Power of Writing and Poetry 05:26 Exploring Allegories 06:44 Off the Beaten Path: Ansul's Journey Begins 12:14 Ansul's Struggles and Self-Discovery 16:17 Meeting Maris: A New Connection 17:52 Seeking Guidance: Ansul's Dilemma 18:31 Ansul's Realization and Self-Acceptance 19:00 Building a Relationship with Maris 20:42 Themes of the Allegory: Individuality vs. Conformity 22:32 Exploring Faith and Doubt 22:53 Coming of Age and Self-Discovery 23:30 Truth, Knowledge, and Intergenerational Expectations 25:34 Curiosity, Love, and Acceptance 26:38 Personal Growth Through Discomfort 27:19 Diversity of Thought and Self-Acceptance 29:24 Navigating Difficult Journeys of Faith and Family 31:00 Encouragement for Personal Growth and Authenticity 33:02 Conclusion and Call to Action To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course Please follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384 Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
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    35 mins
  • Navigating Life's Curveballs: Mackie Overbay on Hashimoto's, Health Challenges, and Embracing Uncertainty

    Navigating Life's Curveballs: Mackie Overbay on Hashimoto's, Health Challenges, and Embracing Uncertainty
    Sep 23 2024
    McKinley “Mackie” Overbay, host of “The Mind, the Mirror, and Me,” and Tony Overbay, LMFT, return after a significant hiatus to discuss numerous life updates, including their recent move to Arizona and Mackie's health journey with Hashimoto's disease. They delve into the struggles and triumphs of losing 55 pounds, the importance of self-love, and the necessity of balancing mind and body health. The conversation touches on the challenges of diet, exercise, meditation, and maintaining consistency. It's a candid look at personal transformation, resilience, and the importance of understanding and caring for oneself amidst life's unpredictable challenges. 00:00 Introduction and Opening Banter 00:25 Welcome Back and New Beginnings 01:18 Social Media and Personal Updates 03:21 Discussing Past Episodes and Themes 05:25 Weight Loss Journey and Health Challenges 07:25 Understanding Hashimoto's Disease 11:21 Reflections on Self-Worth and Body Image 14:20 Diet Changes and Lifestyle Adjustments 24:18 Thyroid Health and Medical Insights 27:56 Understanding Perimenopause and Hormonal Changes 28:16 Unexpected Balloon Incident 28:54 Recognizing and Addressing Health Issues 30:39 The Journey to Diagnosis 32:13 Lifestyle Changes and Their Impact 34:21 The Importance of Consistency and Motivation 35:51 Managing Inflammation and Dietary Adjustments 37:21 Exercise and Weight Loss Strategies 39:37 The Role of Meditation and Mindfulness 48:14 Embracing Self-Worth and Positivity 53:02 Concluding Thoughts and Reflections To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course Please follow Tony’s newest Instagram account for the Waking Up to Narcissism podcast https://www.instagram.com/wutnpod/ as well as Tony’s account https://www.instagram.com/tonyoverbay_lmft/ Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384 Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
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    1 hr and 6 mins
  • Pathological Kindness: When Caring, Trying, and Empathizing Too Much Can Be Bad For Your Health

    Pathological Kindness: When Caring, Trying, and Empathizing Too Much Can Be Bad For Your Health
    Sep 11 2024
    Do you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own? Have you ever wondered if being "too kind" could actually be harmful to your relationships and well-being? In today’s crossover episode - Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explores the complex concept of pathological kindness in relationships. Through a listener's letter from 'Cleo,' Tony delves into the challenges faced by those who prioritize others' needs to their detriment, often rooted in childhood experiences of being the family peacemaker. Cleo's story highlights issues with her emotionally inconsistent partner, Ray, unveiling the struggles of living with someone emotionally immature or narcissistic. Tony discusses recognizing these patterns, including the role of cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding in maintaining unhealthy relationships. He explores how highly sensitive people (HSPs) may be particularly vulnerable to these dynamics. The episode emphasizes the importance of developing a stable core identity, setting boundaries, and balancing kindness with self-care. Tony also touches on the challenges of breaking free from intermittent reinforcement in relationships and recognizing and trusting one's own perceptions. He stresses the role of therapy and self-awareness in breaking free from unhealthy cycles and fostering emotionally mature relationships while also offering hope to those who recognize themselves as the emotionally immature partner and want to change. 00:00 Introduction and Podcast Promotion 01:19 Introducing Cleo's Story 03:16 Cleo's Relationship Struggles 10:38 Understanding Pathological Kindness 16:28 The Impact of Pathological Kindness 21:36 Balancing Kindness and Self-Care 25:09 Exploring Self-Reliance and Its Pitfalls 25:24 The Dual Nature of Optimism 25:40 Understanding Humility and Self-Deprecation 26:26 The Complexities of Honesty 27:09 Patience vs. Passivity 27:24 Competence and Arrogance 28:00 Cleo's Relationship with Ray 29:04 The Struggle of Highly Sensitive People 29:48 The Challenge of Leaving Toxic Relationships 33:23 The Cognitive Dissonance and Trauma Bonding 45:04 The Importance of Self-Care and Boundaries 46:03 Encouragement for Personal Growth To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384 Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that g
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    49 mins
  • Finding Harmony in Uncertainty: Musician Ian McConnell on Navigating a Faith Transition, Acceptance, and Self-Discover

    Finding Harmony in Uncertainty: Musician Ian McConnell on Navigating a Faith Transition, Acceptance, and Self-Discover
    Aug 14 2024
    Tony talks with musician Ian McConnell. Ian kicks off his “Primary Source” tour this Thursday, August 15th, in Dallas, TX, and will visit 25 more spots around the country (tickets for Ian’s “Primary Source” tour can be purchased through his website https://www.ianmcconnellmusic.com). Ian opens up about his journey in the music industry, touring experiences, and personal struggles. They discuss everything from car troubles and pandemic life to faith deconstruction and mental health therapy. Ian shares his approach to writing meaningful songs that resonate with listeners, his views on human purpose, and the emotional highs and lows of social media success. The episode offers a deep dive into Ian's creative process and the challenges of maintaining authenticity and self-care in a demanding industry. Tune in for an introspective and engaging conversation on living a good life, mental health, and the power of music. You can find Ian on all popular social media platforms. 00:00 Introduction and Casual Conversation 00:38 Desert Life and Moving to Phoenix 01:20 Touring Experiences and Plans 02:59 Existential Crisis and Songwriting 04:09 Faith Deconstruction and Personal Growth 06:45 The Pursuit of Happiness and Validation 15:41 Nashville and Country Music Journey 24:09 Pandemic Challenges and TikTok Success 25:35 Diving into Music and Social Media 26:30 Navigating Roommate Tensions and Relationships 27:26 Exploring Emotional Immaturity and People-Pleasing 30:50 The Rush of Social Media Fame 31:40 Creating Music Independently 34:02 Reflecting on Mental Health and Therapy 35:23 Releasing Music Like a TV Show 37:34 Analyzing Lyrics and Personal Experiences 45:56 The Joy and Nerves of Performing Live 46:57 Wrapping Up and Future Plans To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course Subscribe to Tony's latest podcast, "Waking Up to Narcissism Q&A - Premium Podcast," on the Apple Podcast App. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/waking-up-to-narcissism-q-a/id1667287384 Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19, and you'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a Magnetic Marriage. You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com And visit Tony mentioned a product that he used to take out all of the "uh's" and "um's" that, in his words, "must be created by wizards and magic!" because it's that good! To learn more about Descript, click here https://descript.com?lmref=bSWcEQ
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    55 mins
  • Shame: The Self-Absorbed, Selfish, Uninvited Guest at Your Self-Esteem Party (and how to get them to leave!)

    Shame: The Self-Absorbed, Selfish, Uninvited Guest at Your Self-Esteem Party (and how to get them to leave!)
    Aug 7 2024
    Tony Overbay, LMFT, tackles an emotion we've all felt but rarely discuss: shame. Have you ever wondered why shame feels so personal, so all-consuming? Could it be that shame is actually... selfish? Inspired by a pivotal scene from the Apple TV series 'Presumed Innocent', Tony unravels the tangled web of shame and guilt. He asks: What if our shame is holding us back more than we realize? Is it possible that by focusing on our shame, we're actually being self-absorbed? Tony dives deep into the origins of these complex emotions and their surprising impacts on our personal growth and relationships. He offers practical strategies for recognizing and overcoming shame, emphasizing the power of self-awareness and acceptance. But here's the kicker - what if shame isn't just about you? Tony explores how understanding shame can transform our empathy and support for others. He challenges listeners to question: Are we using shame as a shield when it's actually a barrier to genuine connection? Whether you're grappling with your own feelings of shame or trying to support someone who is, this episode promises insights that could change how you view yourself and others. Ready to unmask shame and discover a path to authentic self-esteem? In this episode of 'The Virtual Couch,' host Tony Overbay shares his transformative epiphany from watching the Apple TV series 'Presumed Innocent.' He dives into the profound distinctions between shame and guilt, using a key scene from the show as a focal point. Tony explores how these concepts relate to personal growth and therapy, offering practical tools and insights to help listeners better understand and manage their own experiences with shame. This episode aims to foster a healthier relationship with oneself and promote emotional awareness and self-compassion. 00:00 Introduction and Epiphany 00:51 Setting the Stage: Presumed Innocent 01:53 The Epiphany: Guilt vs. Shame 02:39 Exploring Discomfort and Reactions 04:20 Understanding Shame and Its Origins 07:38 The Selfishness of Shame 19:30 Implicit Memory and Thought Patterns 25:59 Transforming Negative Thoughts 26:24 Creating Space for Positive Experiences 27:30 The Journey of Changing Your Internal Landscape 29:36 Understanding and Managing Discomfort 32:01 The Concept of First and Second Darts 32:49 Stages of Growth and Self-Awareness 39:12 The Role of Shame and Guilt 42:42 Applying Compassion and Empathy 45:13 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
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    48 mins
  • Breaking Free from the Mirror: Developing a Secure Sense of Self

    Breaking Free from the Mirror: Developing a Secure Sense of Self
    Jul 12 2024
    Who are you? How do others view you? And why do we care so much about what others think of us, especially when they probably aren't spending as much time thinking about us as we think they are? When they do think about us, they see us through their own lens. It’s time to discover who you are. So, how exactly do you do that? Tony Overbay, LMFT, reads a heartfelt letter from a long-time listener, Jamie, who is struggling with issues in her marriage and recognizing patterns from her childhood that affect how she interacts with her spouse and children. Tony explores the concept of the 'Looking Glass Self' by Charles Horton Cooley, discussing how our self-identity is shaped by our perceptions of how others view us. He explains how these early experiences impact our self-esteem and relationships, using examples from listeners and clients. Tony introduces the modern-day concept of the 'reflected sense of self' from David Schnarch's theories of differentiation and provides practical advice on overcoming the need for external validation, forming healthier attachments, and developing a stable self-identity. Join Tony as he navigates these deep psychological concepts and offers insights into creating more emotionally secure and fulfilling connections. 00:00 Listener's Heartfelt Letter 02:31 Introduction to Episode 424 03:10 Exploring the Concept of the Mirror 03:29 Charles Horton Cooley and the Looking Glass Self 09:00 Real-Life Examples of the Looking Glass Self 16:16 Differentiation and Emotional Independence 16:57 Balancing Connection and Individuality 18:47 The Reflected Sense of Self 27:00 Understanding Identity and Self-Worth 27:55 The Role of External Validation 29:25 Parent-Child Dynamics and Conditional Love 30:53 Emotional Neglect and Its Impact 33:21 Attachment Styles and Emotional Support 40:13 The Concept of Shame and Guilt 46:26 Overcoming Childhood Wounds 49:35 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
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    50 mins