An Alien's Guide to Handjobs
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Narrated by:
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Brandy Springer
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By:
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Davi Mai
About this listen
An evil lizard race scours the galaxy for fresh sources of the "Royal Elixir". Unfortunately for mankind (with the emphasis on "man"), human semen is a perfect match. But even the most virile men struggle to deliver when confronted with three-eyed lizards demanding the contents of their testicles.
Enter young Sarah Morgan. One minute she's minding her own business, hitchhiking across the country, the next she's abducted by alien lizard people to help with their "harvest". It will take all her wits to survive in this strange new world. Luckily for country girl Sarah, this isn't her first rodeo.
If you've ever looked at a lizard's forked tongue and thought "Hmm, I wonder...", then welcome to your happy place.
©2020 Davi Mai (P)2020 Davi MaiListeners also enjoyed...
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Story
It is the second stage of human colonization - the first age, humanity's initial attempt to people the stars, ended in disaster when it was discovered that Earth's original superluminal drive did permanent genetic damage to all who used it - mutating Earth's far-flung colonists in mind and body. Now, one of Earth's first colonies has given humanity back the stars, but at a high price - a monopoly over all human commerce.
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Another excellent novel by C.S. Friedman!
- By KH on 09-06-12
By: C. S. Friedman
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Guardians of the Galaxy
- Collect Them All
- By: Corinne Duyvis, Marvel
- Narrated by: Scott McCormick, full cast
- Length: 8 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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When the Guardians attempt to evacuate a Kree prison planet and end up in a fight for their lives - what else is new? - they discover their old pal Groot is stretched a little thin. Someone is planting stolen branches of the monosyllabic hero and selling the saplings across the galaxy! The search to find Groot's missing pieces forces the Guardians into an alliance with the unscrupulous Collector, but the real problem is more complicated than he wants them to believe.
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Same old same old
- By B. Williams on 06-14-21
By: Corinne Duyvis, and others
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Wholesale Slaughter
- By: Rick Partlow
- Narrated by: Marc Vietor
- Length: 7 hrs and 19 mins
- Unabridged
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Logan Conner is the son of a king, the heir to the largest of the five star-dominions, and the best mech pilot in the galaxy. His people are plagued by pirates and raiders, surrounded by enemies, and not even his father can fight them all. Logan gives up his position, his rank, even his name, and becomes Jonathan Slaughter, leader of a rough-and-ready band of mercenary mech-jocks bent on taking the battle to the enemy on their own terms.
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Don't Judge It By The Title
- By Gryffen on 07-26-19
By: Rick Partlow
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Hypertek
- Skiptracer, Book 1
- By: Micky Neilson
- Narrated by: Mark Boyett
- Length: 7 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
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Blake Harley is a Skiptracer - a kind of bounty hunter - on the faraway construct world of Concourse Prime. Hired by a corporate client to secure an overdue product, he'll make some quick cryp and be on to the next job. Easy. Except, this job is anything but simple. The product is tied to the immensely powerful and ultra-secret Hypertek, leaving Blake with a choice: be a good soldier, or refuse to help MagnaCorp become the most powerful entity in the system. Another problem: everyone else in Concourse Prime is gunning for the product as well.
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Unfortunately, the book wasn't for me!
- By Lonnie-The GreatNorthernTroll-Moore on 04-13-20
By: Micky Neilson
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Alien: Covenant Origins
- The Official Prequel to the Blockbuster Film
- By: Alan Dean Foster
- Narrated by: Tom Taylorson
- Length: 8 hrs and 31 mins
- Unabridged
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The Covenant mission is the most ambitious endeavor in the history of Weyland-Yutani. A ship bound for Origae-6, carrying 2,000 colonists beyond the limits of known space, this is a make-or-break investment for the corporation - and for the future of all mankind. Yet there are those who would die to stop the mission. As the colony ship hovers in Earth orbit, several violent events reveal a deadly conspiracy to sabotage the launch.
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Great narrator, lackluster writing
- By Tobie on 06-28-18
By: Alan Dean Foster
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First Encounter
- Ascension Wars, Book 1
- By: Jasper T. Scott
- Narrated by: Ben Jaeger-Thomas
- Length: 8 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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The United Nations of Earth sent out the Forerunner ships to explore and colonize the four most promising star systems within 50 light-years of Earth. Forerunner One left Earth under the command of Captain Clayton Cross, heading for Trappist-1. After a ninety year journey to reach it, the crew encountered not only a habitable world, but alien life already inhabiting it, and dark secrets lurking beneath the surface. The revelation of who these aliens are and what they want proves more terrifying than promising, and Captain Cross is forced to make tough decisions that will affect not only his crew, but the fate of the entire human race.
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Good Story and Concept; Narrator mispronouncing
- By Vance F. on 02-18-20
By: Jasper T. Scott
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Overtaken Online Books 1-4
- A Dark LitRPG/LitFPS SciFi-Shooter Box Set
- By: Ben Ormstad
- Narrated by: Doug Tisdale Jr.
- Length: 56 hrs and 34 mins
- Unabridged
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Thirty-three-year-old game designer Dex Walsh spends an entire year devoured by sorrow after the death of his wife. As a last-ditch effort to regain his joy, he sells everything and joins Overtaken Online. Expecting to spawn in a noob-friendly area with guidance from his personal assistant, he instead finds himself naked and alone in a dark prison cell rapidly filling with gas. Under-leveled and not knowing how to escape, he has no idea how far he will be able to progress as long as he pushes forward and doesn't give up.
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The "hero" is a creep.
- By Barbara H. Huewitt on 09-24-22
By: Ben Ormstad
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Outpost
- By: W. Michael Gear
- Narrated by: Alyssa Bresnahan
- Length: 18 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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Donovan is a world of remarkable wealth that comes at a high price. When Supervisor Kalico Aguila's ship arrives, she discovers a failing colony, its government overthrown, the few remaining colonists gone wild. Donovan could make her career - or kill her. Planetside, Talina Perez is one of three rulers of the Port Authority colony - the only law in the one remaining town. With the Corporate ship demanding answers about the things she's done, Perez could lose everything, including her life. For Dan Wirth, Donovan is a last chance. A psychopath with a death sentence looming over his head, he will make a desperate play for power. No matter who he has to corrupt, murder, or destroy. Captain Max Taggart is the Corporation's enforcer. But is it too late to seize control of Donovan?
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Must have been written for teenage girls
- By Bob on 03-30-20
By: W. Michael Gear
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Initiate
- Animus, Book 1
- By: Joshua Anderle, Michael Anderle
- Narrated by: Scott Aiello
- Length: 9 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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He was in a gang but was trying to change his future, when a board member of the elite advanced academy NEXUS made a snap decision and offered him a chance. Then fate, or an unbalanced genius, offered him another. The Nexus Academy is for the elite trainees from Earth, and now trials from our alien allies, as they teach the future generation how to fight, lead, hack, spy, and many other talents and tactics. Hired by companies, governments, and NGOs, these graduates work to pay off the massive debt their training at the academy accumulates.
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I don’t Understand How It received Any Good Reviews
- By Joseph B. Daugherty on 08-23-19
By: Joshua Anderle, and others
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Hollow Space: Venture
- Xantoverse Series
- By: C.F. Barnes, T. F. Grant
- Narrated by: Luke Daniels
- Length: 13 hrs
- Unabridged
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Forced to hyperjump during a brutal ambush, Sara Lorelle, navigator of the Venture, the last human colony ship, discovers a terrible truth: They've jumped to somewhere that shouldn't exist. Trapped inside a pocket universe known only as Hollow Space, where technology inexplicably fails, Sara and her crew have to face the lethal politics of their only destination, Haven - a decrepit station, home to deadly aliens and rival factions that soon sees the Venture crew up to their necks in danger.
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Firefly Meets Babylon 5/Galactica/Star Wars Hybrid
- By Striker on 05-24-15
By: C.F. Barnes, and others
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Federal Histories Bundle, Books 1-3
- By: Michael Anderle
- Narrated by: Jesse Vilinsky
- Length: 68 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
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The future has amazing technology. Our alien allies have magic. Together, we are building a training system to teach the best of humanity to go to the stars. But the training is monumentally expensive. Stephanie Morgana is a genius, she just doesn't know it. Join her on the first half of her adventure with this collected edition, including the first three megabooks in the Federal Histories series.
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I see why this series/book has low sales.
- By Rondell on 02-09-24
By: Michael Anderle
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Awakened
- A Novel
- By: James S. Murray, Darren Wearmouth
- Narrated by: James S. Murray
- Length: 9 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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The star of truTV’s hit show Impractical Jokers - alongside veteran sci-fi and horror writer Darren Wearmouth - delivers a chilling and wickedly fun supernatural novel in the vein of The Strain, in which a beautiful new subway line in New York City unearths an ancient dark horror that threatens the city’s utter destruction and the balance of civilization itself.
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Good, but narrator talks really fast
- By T. Winter on 08-11-18
By: James S. Murray, and others