
Before They Were Men
Essays on Manhood, Compassion, and What Went Wrong
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Narrated by:
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Jacob Tobia
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By:
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Jacob Tobia
About this listen
Gender nonconforming thought leader and bestselling author Jacob Tobia offers a paradigm-shifting argument for fundamentally reframing how we think about men.
The conversation about masculinity, patriarchy, and misogyny has never been so prominent or heated. Alarmed by a new generation of angry, broken young men, genderqueer writer Jacob Tobia sets out to explore what’s going on and comes to a shocking conclusion: Emotionally and spiritually speaking, men and boys may be the ones suffering the most under the gender binary right now.
Tobia should know. For their gender-defying adolescent heart, the nonconsensual process of being “made a man” was crushing. After spending a lifetime fleeing manhood and masculinity, they dare to ask the question: What happens if we stop understanding men as categorical beneficiaries of patriarchal institutions and start understanding them for what they are—co-survivors of patriarchy itself?
In a series of personal and revolutionary essays, Before They Were Men argues that we must rewire much of our framework of feminism. Through this much-needed nonbinary intervention into a two-sided discourse gone stale, Tobia boldly posits compassion and empathy as the forces that will lead men—and us all—to a brighter future. Urgent, surprising, and counterintuitive, their book covers topics such as
• the unspoken body image issues and dysmorphia confronting men and boys
• the difficulty of challenging a world that glorifies war, aggression, and the violence of men
• the case for rethinking, and ultimately retiring, counterproductive terms like “toxic masculinity” and “male privilege”
From exploring the abuse endured by men in the name of gender norms to addressing the myriad failures of feminist discourse in grappling with men’s suffering, this book calls everyone—men, women, and nonbinary people alike—back to the table.
©2025 Jacob Tobia (P)2025 Random House AudioCritic reviews
“Before They Were Men is a reckoning, a manifesto, a wellspring of curiosity, and an invitation to consider better ways of imagining masculinity. Radical and self-possessed, Jacob Tobia is a unique and accessible voice in contemporary gender theory.”—Amanda Montell, New York Times bestselling author of The Age of Magical Overthinking, Cultish, and Wordslut
“In Before They Were Men, Jacob Tobia delivers a seismic cultural moment. With sharp wit and stunning vulnerability, Tobia dismantles the myths of manhood and reframes the masculine experience as one of profound, often unspoken pain—and possibility. This is the audiobook we didn’t know we were desperate for: a love letter to the broken, an indictment of the systems that break them, and a blueprint for healing. Timely, courageous, and unforgettable, Tobia’s voice is nothing short of essential.”—Jeffrey Marsh, author of Take Your Own Advice
With wit sharp enough to shave a mustache and tenderness deep enough to hold grief, Jacob Tobia has created something urgent and original: a way to talk about masculinity without abandoning those shaped by it. Part memoir, part cultural reckoning, these essays don’t preach—they illuminate, offering us a road map to repair, from one of the most groundbreaking voices on gender writing today.”—Jen Winston, author of Greedy"
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