Dance of the Reptiles
Rampaging Tourists, Marauding Pythons, Larcenous Legislators, Crazed Celebrities, and Tar-Balled Beaches: Selected Columns
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Narrated by:
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Arte Johnson
About this listen
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A collection of the best Miami Herald columns from the New York Times bestselling author of Squeeze Me on burning issues like animal welfare, polluted rivers, and the broken criminal justice system.
If you think the wildest, wackiest stories that Carl Hiaasen can tell have all made it into his hilarious, bestselling novels, think again. Dance of the Reptiles collects the best of Hiaasen’s Miami Herald columns, which lay bare the stories—large and small—that demonstrate anew that truth is far stranger than fiction.
Hiaasen offers his commentary—indignant, disbelieving, sometimes righteously angry, and frequently hilarious—on issues like the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, Bernie Madoff's trial, and the shenanigans of the recent presidential elections. Whether or not you have read Carl Hiaasen before, you are in for a wild ride.
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Bestselling author and Fox News Channel host Eric Bolling presents an infuriating, amusing, revealing, and outrageous history of American politics, past and present, Republican and Democrat. From national political scandals to tempests in a teapot that blew up; bribery, blackmail, bullying, and backroom deals that contradicted public policies; cronyism that cost taxpayers hundreds upon hundreds of millions of dollars; and personal conduct that can only be described as regrettable, The Swamp is a journey downriver through the bayous and marshes of Capitol Hill and Foggy Bottom.
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Mr. President, drain the swamp
- By Wayne on 06-30-17
By: Eric Bolling
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Arguing with Idiots
- How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government
- By: Glenn Beck
- Narrated by: Glenn Beck, Pat Gray, Steve "Stu" Burguiere
- Length: 9 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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Idiots can't be identified through voting records, they can be found only by looking for people who hide behind stereotypes, embrace partisanship, and believe that bumper-sticker slogans are a substitute for common sense. If you know someone who fits the bill, then Arguing with Idiots will help you silence them once and for all with the ultimate weapon: the truth.
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Great Book
- By Stacy on 09-22-09
By: Glenn Beck
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In Trump We Trust
- E Pluribus Awesome! (That Was the Easy Part) and Is Fighting for US
- By: Ann Coulter
- Narrated by: Ann Coulter
- Length: 6 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Donald Trump isn't a politician - he's a one-man wrecking ball against our dysfunctional and corrupt establishment. We're about to see the deluxe version of the left's favorite theme: Vote for us, or we'll call you stupid. It's the working class against the smirking class. Now Ann Coulter, with her unique insight, candor, and sense of humor, makes the definitive case for why we should all join his revolution.
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Doesn't deliver on it's promises.
- By Greg Hill on 08-24-16
By: Ann Coulter
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Con Job
- How Democrats Gave Us Crime, Sanctuary Cities, Abortion Profiteering, and Racial Division
- By: Crystal Wright
- Narrated by: Crystal Wright
- Length: 9 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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Black voters have overwhelmingly supported the Democratic Party for the last fifty years - and for their loyalty, black Americans have been rewarded with worsening schools, collapsed families, skyrocketed incarceration rates, disappearing jobs, and rising crime. Crystal Wright, editor of the blog Conservative Black Chick, exposes how the Democratic Party has systematically betrayed black voters.
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Awesome!
- By Tracy on 05-11-16
By: Crystal Wright
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Trickle Down Tyranny
- Crushing Obama's Dreams of a Socialist America
- By: Michael Savage
- Narrated by: Pete Larkin
- Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Trickle Down Tyranny is the single book you need to stop Obama's emerging dictatorship before we lose all of our constitutional, God-given rights. These pages show you the dangerous laws and powergrabs of the Obama administration… and what we can do to stop this leftist gang from seizing another term in office. Obama is transforming us into a second-class nation, with communists and Islamists given free rein to expand their power.
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Brings Clarity to the Obama charade.
- By Mrs. Stolle on 04-05-12
By: Michael Savage
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All Things Possible
- Setbacks and Success in Politics and Life
- By: Andrew M. Cuomo
- Narrated by: Michael Kramer
- Length: 14 hrs and 5 mins
- Unabridged
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In this full and frank memoir - a personal story of duty, family, justice, politics and resilience - New York Governor Andrew Cuomo reflects on his rise, fall, and rise in politics, and recounts his defining personal and political moments and tough but necessary lessons he has learned along the way.
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I Love This Book AND the Guvnor (Governor, I Know)
- By Igi M. on 09-02-20
By: Andrew M. Cuomo
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Bullies
- How the Left's Culture of Fear and Intimidation Silences Americans
- By: Ben Shapiro
- Narrated by: Charles Constant
- Length: 9 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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Ben Shapiro uncovers the simple strategy used by liberals and their friends in the media: bully the living hell out of conservatives. Play the race card, the class card, the sexism card. Use any and every means at your disposal to demonize your opposition - to shut them up. Then pretend that such bullying is justified because, after all, conservatives are the true bullies and need to be taught a lesson for their intolerance.
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i wish shapiro narrated it
- By michelle on 03-25-17
By: Ben Shapiro
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The Deep State
- How an Army of Bureaucrats Protected Barack Obama and Is Working to Destroy the Trump Agenda
- By: Jason Chaffetz
- Narrated by: Jason Chaffetz
- Length: 7 hrs and 36 mins
- Unabridged
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Former congressman and current Fox News contributor Jason Chaffetz explains how we ended up with a politicized federal bureaucracy that actively works to promote the Democratic Party's agenda and undermine Donald Trump.
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Excellent insight to the dirty dealings of the gov
- By Henwhisperer on 09-26-18
By: Jason Chaffetz
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American Conspiracies
- Lies, Lies, and More Dirty Lies That the Government Tells
- By: Jesse Ventura, Dick Russell
- Narrated by: George K. Wilson
- Length: 10 hrs and 14 mins
- Unabridged
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In this explosive account of wrongful acts and ongoing cover-ups, Jesse Ventura takes a systematic look at the wide gap between what the American government knows and what it reveals to the American people. For too long, we the people have sat by and let politicians and bureaucrats from both parties obfuscate and lie. And according to this former Navy SEAL, former pro wrestler, and former Minnesota governor, the media is complicit in these acts of deception.
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Lots of things you didn't know but should
- By Susan on 12-14-10
By: Jesse Ventura, and others
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An Inconvenient Book
- Real Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems (Unabridged)
- By: Glenn Beck
- Narrated by: Glenn Beck
- Length: 6 hrs and 25 mins
- Unabridged
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The world is a mess. It seems that everywhere listeners turn, there's another problem. What is needed now are solutions. If only there was a man who could simplify things, cut through the rhetoric, and fix everything. Then, if he was just able to put all of that insight into something that people could buy...in a store and online...man, that would great. Wait a minute!
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Waste of Time and Money
- By Crystal on 04-11-09
By: Glenn Beck
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Somebody's Gotta Say It
- By: Neal Boortz
- Narrated by: Neal Boortz
- Length: 6 hrs and 1 min
- Abridged
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With its outrageous brand of conservative talk, The Neal Boortz Show has been one of talk radio's hottest commodities for more than 25 years. Boortz entertains his rabid followers with commentary on everything from corruption in Washington to the troops overseas. Now, with Somebody's Gotta Say It, Neal gives us his greatest jeremiad yet: a hilarious but serious-as-taxes screed covering all the issues that get Neal and his millions of listeners hot under the collar on a daily basis.
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For the Logical not the Emotional.
- By Jon on 03-16-07
By: Neal Boortz
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My fav Hiaasen book
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Not Hiaasen's best work
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A twisted tale of murder in the world of big-stakes bass fishing tournaments. Filled with ex-wives, evangelists, and an armed pit-bull, this is a story that could only be concocted by Carl Hiaasen, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, New York Times best-selling author, and czar of Florida noir fiction.
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Not for dog lovers
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No matter what you heard or thought about the movie version of Strip Tease, forget it. Film simply can’t catch the layers of humor, satire, and imagination that Pulitzer Prize-winning author Carl Hiaasen creates in each of his novels.
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Hilarious drama
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Valdez Jones VIII calls himself Wrecker because his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather salvaged shipwrecks for a living. So is it destiny, irony, or just bad luck when Wrecker comes across a speedboat that has run hard aground on a sand flat? The men in the boat don't want Wrecker to call for help—in fact, they'll pay him to forget he ever saw them. Wrecker would be happy to forget, but he keeps seeing these men all over Key West—at the marina, even in the cemetery. And now they want more than his silence—they want a lookout.
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Wish Hiaasen would get off his political soapbox
- By J. A. Stephenson on 09-30-23
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Powder Burn
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New York Times best-selling author Carl Hiaasen teamed up with journalist Bill Montalbano for this gripping thriller. Powder Burn stars Chris Meadows, a successful Miami architect who's leaving a meeting with an ex-girlfriend when he sees a car strike his ex, killing her. But the nightmare is only just beginning. As a witness to the crime, Chris knows the car's passengers - thugs linked to Miami's deadliest drug lords - are sure to come after him next. But what can he do if the police refuse to give him protection?
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I Love Carl Hiaasen, but man this was the hard
- By Samantha on 09-30-13
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Once a hotshot investigative reporter, Jack Tagger now bangs out obituaries for a South Florida daily, "plotting to resurrect my newspaper career by yoking my byline to some famous stiff". Jimmy Stoma, the infamous front man of Jimmy and the Slut Puppies, dead in a fishy-smelling scuba "accident", might be the stiff of Jack’s dreams - if only he can figure out what happened.
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My fav Hiaasen book
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Grange, Florida, is famous for its miracles - the weeping fiberglass Madonna, the Road-Stain Jesus, the stigmata man. And now it has JoLayne Lucks, unlikely winner of the state lottery. Unfortunately, JoLayne's winning ticket isn't the only one. The other belongs to Bodean Gazzer and his raunchy sidekick, Chub, who believe they're entitled to the whole $28 million jackpot. And they need it quickly, to start their own underground militia before NATO troops invade America. But JoLayne Lucks has her own plans for the Lotto money - an Eden-like forest in Grange must be saved from strip-malling.
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Not Hiaasen's best work
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A twisted tale of murder in the world of big-stakes bass fishing tournaments. Filled with ex-wives, evangelists, and an armed pit-bull, this is a story that could only be concocted by Carl Hiaasen, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, New York Times best-selling author, and czar of Florida noir fiction.
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Not for dog lovers
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No matter what you heard or thought about the movie version of Strip Tease, forget it. Film simply can’t catch the layers of humor, satire, and imagination that Pulitzer Prize-winning author Carl Hiaasen creates in each of his novels.
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Hilarious drama
- By Pam W on 11-14-13
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Wrecker
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Valdez Jones VIII calls himself Wrecker because his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather salvaged shipwrecks for a living. So is it destiny, irony, or just bad luck when Wrecker comes across a speedboat that has run hard aground on a sand flat? The men in the boat don't want Wrecker to call for help—in fact, they'll pay him to forget he ever saw them. Wrecker would be happy to forget, but he keeps seeing these men all over Key West—at the marina, even in the cemetery. And now they want more than his silence—they want a lookout.
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Wish Hiaasen would get off his political soapbox
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Powder Burn
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New York Times best-selling author Carl Hiaasen teamed up with journalist Bill Montalbano for this gripping thriller. Powder Burn stars Chris Meadows, a successful Miami architect who's leaving a meeting with an ex-girlfriend when he sees a car strike his ex, killing her. But the nightmare is only just beginning. As a witness to the crime, Chris knows the car's passengers - thugs linked to Miami's deadliest drug lords - are sure to come after him next. But what can he do if the police refuse to give him protection?
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I Love Carl Hiaasen, but man this was the hard
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Fever Beach
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“The afternoon of September first, dishwater-gray and rainy, a man named Dale Figgo picked up a hitchhiker on Gus Grissom Boulevard in Tangelo Falls, Florida. The hitchhiker, who reminded Figgo of Danny DeVito, asked for a lift to the interstate. Figgo said he’d take him there after finishing an errand.” Thus begins Fever Beach, with an errand that leads—in pure Hiaasen-style—into the depths of Florida at its most Floridian: a sun-soaked bastion of right-wing extremism, white power, greed, and corruption.
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Nature Girl
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Honey Santana, impassioned, willful, possibly bipolar, self-proclaimed "queen of lost causes", has a scheme to help rid the world of irresponsibility, indifference, and dinnertime sales calls. She's taking rude, gullible Relentless, Inc., telemarketer Boyd Shreave and his less-than-enthusiastic mistress, Eugenie, into the wilderness of Florida's Ten Thousand Islands for a gentle lesson in civility. What she doesn't know is that she's being followed by her Honey-obsessed former employer.
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Sample first!
- By Michael on 11-25-06
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Skin Tight
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This novel by Carl Hiaasen, author of Tourist Season and Native Tongue, begins as most thrillers do, with a killing. But this is no everyday, hum-drum, garden variety killing. Our hero, Nick Stranahan, a 42-year-old private investigator who has killed five men and been married five times, skewers his attacker's aorta with the razor-sharp bill of a stuffed marlin.
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Skintight
- By Chris on 08-02-04
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Squirm
- By: Carl Hiaasen
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- Unabridged
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Some facts about Billy Dickens: He once saw a biker swerve across the road in order to run over a snake. Later, that motorcycle somehow ended up at the bottom of a canal. Billy isn't the type to let things go. Some facts about Billy's family: They've lived in six different Florida towns because Billy's mom insists on getting a house near a bald eagle nest. Billy's dad left when he was four and is a total mystery. Billy has just found his dad's address - in Montana.
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Great kids book
- By Helen W. on 10-13-18
By: Carl Hiaasen
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The Edible Exile
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- Unabridged
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Cuervo is a pampered Nicaraguan moneyman, funding a guerrilla war from his cushy Miami penthouse. Sixto is his hulking, pistol-packing attendant, whose job satisfaction is on the wane. When an aging mobster enters their lives with a promise to help the rebel cause - with a planeload of chickens originally intended for voodoo sacrifice - a tense situation turns combustible. From the wickedly funny mind of Carl Hiaasen comes "The Edible Exile", a raucous story of sleazeball nihilists, lovable thugs, and jungle-weary freedom fighters who collide in a battle of wills, ego, and the almighty dollar.
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Enjoyable early work by a great author.
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By: Carl Hiaasen
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Razor Girl
- A Novel
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- Unabridged
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When Lane Coolman's car is bashed from behind on the road to the Florida Keys, what appears to be an ordinary accident is anything but (this is Hiaasen!). Behind the wheel of the other car is Merry Mansfield - the eponymous Razor Girl - and the crash scam is only the beginning of events that spiral crazily out of control while unleashing some of the wildest characters Hiaasen has ever set loose.
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Best book this year!
- By green ice cream garden on 09-19-16
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Tourist Season
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Tourist season is swinging into high gear in Miami. So are the activities of a bizarre terrorist group determined to keep the hapless "snowbirds" away. Armed with bombs, weed, and jumbled credos, they move toward their grand target, the Orange Bowl Parade, with plans to bring Miami and its tourist trade to a halt.
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CAUTION: BELLY ACHING LAUGHTER IMMINENT!
- By Tracy P. on 02-08-17
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Bad Monkey
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Andrew Yancy—late of the Miami Police and soon-to-be-late of the Monroe County sheriff’s office—has a human arm in his freezer. There’s a logical (Hiaasenian) explanation for that, but not for how and why it parted from its shadowy owner. Yancy thinks the boating-accident/shark-luncheon explanation is full of holes, and if he can prove murder, the sheriff might rescue him from his grisly Health Inspector gig (it’s not called the roach patrol for nothing).
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Flame-out fail
- By Lars on 06-16-13
By: Carl Hiaasen
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The Downhill Lie
- A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport
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- Unabridged
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Originally drawn to the game by his father, Carl Hiaasen wisely quit golfing in 1973. But some ambitions refuse to die, and as the years - and memories of shanked 7-irons - faded, it dawned on Carl that there might be one thing in life he could do better in middle age than he could as a youth. So gradually he ventured back to the dreaded driving range, this time as the father of a five-year-old son -and also as a grandfather.
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Not a Bogie but a Birdie !
- By G. Cernicky on 10-08-08
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Assume the Worst
- The Graduation Speech You'll Never Hear
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Carl Hiaasen
- Length: 15 mins
- Unabridged
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This is Oh, the Places You'll Never Go - the ultimate hilarious, cynical, but absolutely realistic view of a college graduate's future. And what he or she can or can't do about it. "This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration. That's not what you need. You need a warning." So begins Carl Hiaasen's attempt to prepare young men and women for their future. And who better to warn them about their precarious paths forward than Carl Hiaasen?
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Practical, If Shopworn Wisdom. But not worth...
- By Advocatus Peregrini on 06-23-18
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Chomp
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: James Van Der Beek
- Length: 6 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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When Wahoo Cray’s dad - a professional animal wrangler - takes a job with a reality TV show called Expedition Survival!, Wahoo figures he'll have to do a bit of wrangling himself to keep his father from killing Derek Badger, the show's inept and egotistical star. But the job keeps getting more complicated: Derek Badger insists on using wild animals for his stunts; and Wahoo's acquired a shadow named Tuna - a girl who's sporting a shiner courtesy of her father and needs a place to hide out.
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Performance
- By Janet on 04-21-12
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Swamp Story
- A Novel
- By: Dave Barry
- Narrated by: Dave Barry
- Length: 7 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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Jesse Braddock is trapped in a tiny cabin deep in the Everglades with her infant daughter and her ex-boyfriend, a wannabe reality TV star who turned out to be a lot prettier on the outside than on the inside. Broke and desperate for a way out, Jesse stumbles across a long-lost treasure, which could solve all her problems—if she can figure out how to keep it. The problem is some very bad men are also looking for the treasure, and they know Jesse has it.
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Don’t waste your credit
- By Cat Mom on 05-13-23
By: Dave Barry
What listeners say about Dance of the Reptiles
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- DONA
- 11-02-17
APT FOR TODAY
I was going to call this review a History of Today. It is so very relevant to 2017 and the American political landscape that I kept being amused by the irony. The author cares about creation and the ecology of Florida's inland as well as the popular coastal vacation areas. He also cares about the economy and the people who retire to the state, thinking it will be a good place to live out the rest of their lives in warmth and comfort.
Hiaasen is not writing about 2017, however, or all of American politics -- his columns from the news in Florida several years ago ironically fit todasy's climate. And, they are funny in a sarcastic way. Not being from the sunshine state I appreciated this insider's view of FL and its development over time. Incidentally, I read the book right before Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, Jose asnd Maria hit the Gulf Coast and Southern FL this year. His words seemed almost prophetic.
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- HIYBRID
- 06-11-19
Three scoops of classic Carl
If you've never read this fellows stories... Where the heck have you been????? His characters are graduates of Walt Disney mental hospital. The plots more twisted than spaghetti cooked. I can't help being drawn in and binge reading for hours. Bravo Carl Bravo!!!
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2 people found this helpful
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- Sierra
- 03-13-14
Loved the stories!
Would you consider the audio edition of Dance of the Reptiles to be better than the print version?
I loved this book and the narration was spot-on. I felt the Carl Hiaasen got a little preachy in parts but overlooking that it was a great listen.
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4 people found this helpful
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- Carline
- 10-27-23
Facts
Florida’s political history provided reasonable facts for the shit show happening in 2023. Politicians are only in it for power and money.
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- Ingibjörg Kolbeins
- 03-15-14
Too local for a European
I love carl Hiaasens novels. This book is a collection of his newspaper columns. If you are not a Floridian a lot of it will go over your head. But if you are familiar with Florida polliticks I am sure you will enjoy it .
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2 people found this helpful
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- garden guru
- 12-23-14
Sad stories
Would you try another book from Carl Hiaasen and Diane Stevenson (editor) and/or Arte Johnson?
Carl Hiaasen novels are more enjoyable than this collection of true but distressing tales.
What could Carl Hiaasen and Diane Stevenson (editor) have done to make this a more enjoyable book for you?
The humor in Carl Hiaasen novels helps a great deal.
Which scene was your favorite?
No favorites here.
Do you think Dance of the Reptiles needs a follow-up book? Why or why not?
No, no follow ups, please.
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2 people found this helpful
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- Kelly W.
- 08-18-20
Every Republican should listen
Carl provides hilarious, 100% Libtard, hypocritical accounts of semi-recent events. I especially love his excruciatingly long diatribe on how easy it is to falsify absentee ballots in Florida . . . . while today's Democrats are pushing for cheat-by-mail all over the country. Of course, he missed the point on the salient Republican sex scandals of the era (Foley, Hastert, Craig, and Sanford).. Mark Sanford should have been singled out as the only one of the group in a heterosexual scandal 🤣🤣😂😁 -- not that there is anything wrong with that 😁😁. At least he didn't pay any hush money over it either!
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- Lisa Pinn McFaddin
- 07-14-21
Hard to finish
It was a fine book, but I was expecting traditional Hiaasen. Not enough crazy, maybe not enough Florida.
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- Ron
- 02-12-14
Great book. Required reading!
I've read pretty much all of Carl Haaasen's novels but wasn't sure how I'd like a book containing his newspaper editorials.
Wow, was I surprised. This book is brilliant. It has everything from humor to political shenanigans.
Arte Johnson is masterful as the reader.
Should be required reading for all politicians.
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8 people found this helpful
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- Shelly Dee
- 05-08-16
Love Hiaasen; hated this
Way old stuff and not a typical Hiaasen anything that I'm used to reading by him. I realize this is a compilation, but still ... disappointed.
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