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Assume the Worst
- The Graduation Speech You'll Never Hear
- Narrated by: Carl Hiaasen
- Length: 15 mins
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Publisher's summary
This is Oh, the Places You'll Never Go - the ultimate hilarious, cynical, but absolutely realistic view of a college graduate's future. And what he or she can or can't do about it.
"This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration. That's not what you need. You need a warning."
So begins Carl Hiaasen's attempt to prepare young men and women for their future. And who better to warn them about their precarious paths forward than Carl Hiaasen? The answer, after hearing Assume the Worst, is: Nobody. Following the format of Anna Quindlen's commencement address (Being Perfect) and George Saunders's commencement address (Congratulations, by the way), this might look typical from the outside, but inside it is anything but.
This book is bound to be a classic, sold year after year come graduation time. Although it's also a good gift for anyone starting a job, getting married, or recently released from prison. Because it is not just funny. It is, in its own Hiaasen way, extremely wise and even hopeful. Well, it might not be full of hope, but there are certainly enough slivers of the stuff in there to more than keep us all going.
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Based on her popular Modern Love column, Sara Eckel’s It’s Not You challenges these myths, encouraging singletons to stop picking apart their personalities and to start tapping into their own wisdom about who and what is right for them. Supported by the latest psychological and sociological research, as well as interviews with people who have experienced longtime singledom, Eckel creates a strong and empowering argument to understand and accept that there’s no one reason why you’re single - you just are.
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Good Book
- By Anonymous User on 05-24-20
By: Sara Eckel
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How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life
- An Unexpected Guide to Human Nature and Happiness
- By: Russ Roberts
- Narrated by: Don Hagen
- Length: 5 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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In How Adam Smith Can Change Your Life, Roberts examines Smith’s forgotten masterpiece, and finds a treasure trove of timeless, practical wisdom. Smith’s insights into human nature are just as relevant today as they were 300 years ago. What does it take to be truly happy? Should we pursue fame and fortune or the respect of our friends and family? How can we make the world a better place?
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Hard to distinguish Roberts from Smith in reading
- By Amazing Customer on 03-31-15
By: Russ Roberts
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Invisible Man, Got the Whole World Watching
- A Young Black Man's Education
- By: Mychal Denzel Smith
- Narrated by: Kevin R. Free
- Length: 5 hrs and 52 mins
- Unabridged
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How do you learn to be a Black man in America? For young Black men today, it means coming of age during the presidency of Barack Obama. It means witnessing the deaths of Oscar Grant, Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Akai Gurley, and too many more. It means celebrating powerful moments of Black self-determination for LeBron James, Dave Chappelle, and Frank Ocean. In Invisible Man, Got the Whole World Watching, Mychal Denzel Smith chronicles his own personal and political education during these tumultuous years.
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History through a Young Black Man's Eyes!! Perfect
- By Patricia Hambsch on 08-31-16
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Things No One Else Can Teach Us
- Turning Losses into Lessons
- By: Humble the Poet
- Narrated by: Humble the Poet
- Length: 6 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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Every one of us endures setbacks, disappointments, and failures that can incapacitate us. But we don’t have to let them. Instead, we can use these events as opportunities for growth. In Things No One Else Can Teach Us, Humble the Poet flips the conventional script for happiness and success, showing us how our most painful experiences can be our greatest teachers.
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HTP’S STORY AND LESSONS LEARNED
- By jaga on 11-04-19
By: Humble the Poet
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Hustle and Heart
- By: Kailyn Lowry
- Narrated by: Renee Chambliss
- Length: 2 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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Hustle and Heart is packed with inspiring, motivational messages, personal advice, and relatable experiences for those making their way through life's challenging mix of joy and hardship. From bullying, sexual assault, and body image to motherhood, marriage, and career challenges, Kailyn wants you to know that there's nothing you can't survive - with a little bit of hustle and heart.
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Loved this, really impressed by Kailyn amazing job
- By Elizabeth on 07-26-18
By: Kailyn Lowry
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Easier Than You Think
- The Small Changes That Add Up to a World of Difference
- By: Richard Carlson Ph.D.
- Narrated by: Richard Carlson Ph.D.
- Length: 2 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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All of us are looking for practical ways to take control of our lives, whether in our personal relationships, our families, our work, our health, or our future plans. Daily challenges have a way of overwhelming us, making life harder than it needs to be. The good news is that the answers are out there. And they are Easier Than You Think.
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Terrific, uplifting ideas to improve your life.
- By Beth on 07-18-05
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F.U.B.A.R.
- America's Right-Wing Nightmare
- By: Sam Seder, Stephen Sherrill
- Narrated by: Sam Seder
- Length: 5 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
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The United States has survived clueless presidential administrations before. But no matter how enormous the crisis, the Great Depression, Vietnam, Watergate, or Monica Lewinsky's thong, America always comes out looking like, well, America.
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Don't take this book seriously
- By Richard on 05-25-06
By: Sam Seder, and others
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Professional Troublemaker
- The Fear-Fighter Manual
- By: Luvvie Ajayi Jones
- Narrated by: Luvvie Ajayi Jones
- Length: 8 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
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Luvvie Ajayi Jones is known for her trademark wit, warmth, and perpetual truth-telling. But even she's been challenged by the enemy of progress known as fear. She was once afraid to call herself a writer, and nearly skipped out on doing a TED talk that changed her life because of imposter syndrome. As she shares in Professional Troublemaker, she's not alone.
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I’m missing something
- By Cheval Violet on 04-22-21
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Feminist Fight Club
- An Office Survival Manual for a Sexist Workplace
- By: Jessica Bennett
- Narrated by: Jessica Bennett, Bahni Turpin
- Length: 6 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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Part manual, part manifesto, a humorous yet incisive guide to navigating subtle sexism at work - a Lean In for the Buzzfeed generation that provides real-life career advice and humorous reinforcement for a new generation of professional women. Hard hitting and entertaining, Feminist Fight Club blends personal stories with research, statistics, and no-bullsh*t expert advice.
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Awful in so many ways
- By disudds on 01-21-17
By: Jessica Bennett
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Rick Mercer Final Report
- By: Rick Mercer
- Narrated by: Rick Mercer
- Length: 6 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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Rick Mercer can always be relied on to provoke a strong reaction - but what he said one fall day in 2017 truly shocked Canada. In a rant posted on social media, the great Canadian satirist announced loud and clear that the 15th season of the Rick Mercer Report - the nation's best-watched and best-loved comedy show - would be the last. This volume brings together never-before-published rants from the last five seasons of the show, plus a selection of the very best rants from earlier years.
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Mercer Hits It Out Of The Ballpark
- By Wade Lancaster on 11-11-19
By: Rick Mercer
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The Time of Our Lives
- Collected Writings
- By: Peggy Noonan
- Narrated by: Betsy Foldes Meiman, Rena-Marie Villano, Peggy Noonan
- Length: 17 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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Peggy Noonan is one of the most brilliant and influential political thinkers and writers of our time. The author of five best-selling books ( What I Saw at the Revolution is now a classic), her column in The Wall Street Journal is a must-read for millions of Americans. Witty, incisive, and always original, Peggy Noonan is a conservative intellectual with wide-reaching appeal across the political spectrum. Now, for the first time, the best of Noonan's writing will be collected in one indispensable volume.
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Ronald Reagan is God. Who knew?
- By Rick on 11-20-15
By: Peggy Noonan
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Grow a Pair
- How to Stop Being a Victim and Take Back Your Life, Your Business, and Your Sanity
- By: Larry Winget
- Narrated by: Larry Winget
- Length: 3 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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The straight-talking, best-selling author and Pitbull of Personal Development is back with a pithy and prescriptive guide to success. A five-time best-selling author and one of the country's leading business speakers, Larry has made a reputation for being the first to challenge the positive-attraction gurus and the law-of-attraction bozos with his commonsense approach to success. Larry doesn't sugar-coat, and he isn't afraid to make people uncomfortable, because he wants us to stop making excuses, and start getting results.
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half the book is him saying "grow a pair"
- By Dustin on 01-08-14
By: Larry Winget
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The Art of Non-Conformity
- Set Your Own Rules, Live the Life You Want, and Change the World
- By: Chris Guillebeau
- Narrated by: Dan John Miller
- Length: 5 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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If you've ever thought, "There must be more to life than this," The Art of Non-Conformity is for you. Based on Chris Guillebeau's popular online manifesto "A Brief Guide to World Domination," The Art of Non-Conformity defies common assumptions about life and work while arming you with the tools to live differently. You'll discover how to live on your own terms by exploring creative self-employment, radical goal-setting, contrarian travel, and embracing life as a constant adventure.
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Redundant
- By Louis on 03-11-11
By: Chris Guillebeau
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Valdez Jones VIII calls himself Wrecker because his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather salvaged shipwrecks for a living. So is it destiny, irony, or just bad luck when Wrecker comes across a speedboat that has run hard aground on a sand flat? The men in the boat don't want Wrecker to call for help—in fact, they'll pay him to forget he ever saw them. Wrecker would be happy to forget, but he keeps seeing these men all over Key West—at the marina, even in the cemetery. And now they want more than his silence—they want a lookout.
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Wish Hiaasen would get off his political soapbox
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Originally drawn to the game by his father, Carl Hiaasen wisely quit golfing in 1973. But some ambitions refuse to die, and as the years - and memories of shanked 7-irons - faded, it dawned on Carl that there might be one thing in life he could do better in middle age than he could as a youth. So gradually he ventured back to the dreaded driving range, this time as the father of a five-year-old son -and also as a grandfather.
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Not a Bogie but a Birdie !
- By G. Cernicky on 10-08-08
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The Edible Exile
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Cuervo is a pampered Nicaraguan moneyman, funding a guerrilla war from his cushy Miami penthouse. Sixto is his hulking, pistol-packing attendant, whose job satisfaction is on the wane. When an aging mobster enters their lives with a promise to help the rebel cause - with a planeload of chickens originally intended for voodoo sacrifice - a tense situation turns combustible. From the wickedly funny mind of Carl Hiaasen comes "The Edible Exile", a raucous story of sleazeball nihilists, lovable thugs, and jungle-weary freedom fighters who collide in a battle of wills, ego, and the almighty dollar.
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Enjoyable early work by a great author.
- By Arthur on 09-04-14
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Squirm
- By: Carl Hiaasen
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Some facts about Billy Dickens: He once saw a biker swerve across the road in order to run over a snake. Later, that motorcycle somehow ended up at the bottom of a canal. Billy isn't the type to let things go. Some facts about Billy's family: They've lived in six different Florida towns because Billy's mom insists on getting a house near a bald eagle nest. Billy's dad left when he was four and is a total mystery. Billy has just found his dad's address - in Montana.
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Great kids book
- By Helen W. on 10-13-18
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Skin Tight
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Wilson
- Length: 14 hrs and 48 mins
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This novel by Carl Hiaasen, author of Tourist Season and Native Tongue, begins as most thrillers do, with a killing. But this is no everyday, hum-drum, garden variety killing. Our hero, Nick Stranahan, a 42-year-old private investigator who has killed five men and been married five times, skewers his attacker's aorta with the razor-sharp bill of a stuffed marlin.
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Skintight
- By Chris on 08-02-04
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Dance of the Reptiles
- Rampaging Tourists, Marauding Pythons, Larcenous Legislators, Crazed Celebrities, and Tar-Balled Beaches: Selected Columns
- By: Carl Hiaasen, Diane Stevenson - editor
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- Length: 12 hrs and 42 mins
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If you think the wildest, wackiest stories that Carl Hiaasen can tell have all made it into his hilarious, bestselling novels, think again. Dance of the Reptiles collects the best of Hiaasen’s Miami Herald columns, which lay bare the stories—large and small—that demonstrate anew that truth is far stranger than fiction.
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Great book. Required reading!
- By Ron on 02-12-14
By: Carl Hiaasen, and others
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Wrecker
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Valdez Jones VIII calls himself Wrecker because his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather salvaged shipwrecks for a living. So is it destiny, irony, or just bad luck when Wrecker comes across a speedboat that has run hard aground on a sand flat? The men in the boat don't want Wrecker to call for help—in fact, they'll pay him to forget he ever saw them. Wrecker would be happy to forget, but he keeps seeing these men all over Key West—at the marina, even in the cemetery. And now they want more than his silence—they want a lookout.
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Wish Hiaasen would get off his political soapbox
- By J. A. Stephenson on 09-30-23
By: Carl Hiaasen
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The Downhill Lie
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Originally drawn to the game by his father, Carl Hiaasen wisely quit golfing in 1973. But some ambitions refuse to die, and as the years - and memories of shanked 7-irons - faded, it dawned on Carl that there might be one thing in life he could do better in middle age than he could as a youth. So gradually he ventured back to the dreaded driving range, this time as the father of a five-year-old son -and also as a grandfather.
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Not a Bogie but a Birdie !
- By G. Cernicky on 10-08-08
By: Carl Hiaasen
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The Edible Exile
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- Length: 41 mins
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Cuervo is a pampered Nicaraguan moneyman, funding a guerrilla war from his cushy Miami penthouse. Sixto is his hulking, pistol-packing attendant, whose job satisfaction is on the wane. When an aging mobster enters their lives with a promise to help the rebel cause - with a planeload of chickens originally intended for voodoo sacrifice - a tense situation turns combustible. From the wickedly funny mind of Carl Hiaasen comes "The Edible Exile", a raucous story of sleazeball nihilists, lovable thugs, and jungle-weary freedom fighters who collide in a battle of wills, ego, and the almighty dollar.
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Enjoyable early work by a great author.
- By Arthur on 09-04-14
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Squirm
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Kirby Heyborne
- Length: 7 hrs and 20 mins
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Some facts about Billy Dickens: He once saw a biker swerve across the road in order to run over a snake. Later, that motorcycle somehow ended up at the bottom of a canal. Billy isn't the type to let things go. Some facts about Billy's family: They've lived in six different Florida towns because Billy's mom insists on getting a house near a bald eagle nest. Billy's dad left when he was four and is a total mystery. Billy has just found his dad's address - in Montana.
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Great kids book
- By Helen W. on 10-13-18
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Skin Tight
- By: Carl Hiaasen
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This novel by Carl Hiaasen, author of Tourist Season and Native Tongue, begins as most thrillers do, with a killing. But this is no everyday, hum-drum, garden variety killing. Our hero, Nick Stranahan, a 42-year-old private investigator who has killed five men and been married five times, skewers his attacker's aorta with the razor-sharp bill of a stuffed marlin.
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Skintight
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Great book. Required reading!
- By Ron on 02-12-14
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Razor Girl
- A Novel
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: John Rubinstein
- Length: 12 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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When Lane Coolman's car is bashed from behind on the road to the Florida Keys, what appears to be an ordinary accident is anything but (this is Hiaasen!). Behind the wheel of the other car is Merry Mansfield - the eponymous Razor Girl - and the crash scam is only the beginning of events that spiral crazily out of control while unleashing some of the wildest characters Hiaasen has ever set loose.
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Best book this year!
- By green ice cream garden on 09-19-16
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Tourist Season
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Wilson
- Length: 14 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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Tourist season is swinging into high gear in Miami. So are the activities of a bizarre terrorist group determined to keep the hapless "snowbirds" away. Armed with bombs, weed, and jumbled credos, they move toward their grand target, the Orange Bowl Parade, with plans to bring Miami and its tourist trade to a halt.
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CAUTION: BELLY ACHING LAUGHTER IMMINENT!
- By Tracy P. on 02-08-17
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Double Whammy
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Wilson
- Length: 13 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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A twisted tale of murder in the world of big-stakes bass fishing tournaments. Filled with ex-wives, evangelists, and an armed pit-bull, this is a story that could only be concocted by Carl Hiaasen, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, New York Times best-selling author, and czar of Florida noir fiction.
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Not for dog lovers
- By Tonette on 01-21-08
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Scat
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Edward Asner
- Length: 9 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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Carl Hiaasen takes us deep in the Everglades with an eccentric eco-avenger, a ticked-off panther, and two kids on a mission to find their missing teacher. Florida - where the animals are wild and the people are wilder! Bunny Starch, the most feared biology teacher ever, is missing. She disappeared after a school field trip to Black Vine Swamp. And, to be honest, the kids in her class are relieved. But when the principal tries to tell the students that Mrs. Starch has been called away on a "family emergency", Nick and Marta just don't buy it.
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not just a kids book
- By Vicky on 07-05-09
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Strip Tease
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Wilson
- Length: 15 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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No matter what you heard or thought about the movie version of Strip Tease, forget it. Film simply can’t catch the layers of humor, satire, and imagination that Pulitzer Prize-winning author Carl Hiaasen creates in each of his novels.
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Hilarious drama
- By Pam W on 11-14-13
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Basket Case
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Newbern
- Length: 10 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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Once a hotshot investigative reporter, Jack Tagger now bangs out obituaries for a South Florida daily, "plotting to resurrect my newspaper career by yoking my byline to some famous stiff". Jimmy Stoma, the infamous front man of Jimmy and the Slut Puppies, dead in a fishy-smelling scuba "accident", might be the stiff of Jack’s dreams - if only he can figure out what happened.
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My fav Hiaasen book
- By Karen on 11-28-16
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Powder Burn
- By: Carl Hiaasen, Bill Montalbano
- Narrated by: Robert Ramirez
- Length: 11 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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New York Times best-selling author Carl Hiaasen teamed up with journalist Bill Montalbano for this gripping thriller. Powder Burn stars Chris Meadows, a successful Miami architect who's leaving a meeting with an ex-girlfriend when he sees a car strike his ex, killing her. But the nightmare is only just beginning. As a witness to the crime, Chris knows the car's passengers - thugs linked to Miami's deadliest drug lords - are sure to come after him next. But what can he do if the police refuse to give him protection?
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I Love Carl Hiaasen, but man this was the hard
- By Samantha on 09-30-13
By: Carl Hiaasen, and others
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Hoot
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Chad Lowe
- Length: 6 hrs and 25 mins
- Unabridged
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Everybody loves Mother Paula's pancakes. Everybody, that is, except the colony of cute but endangered owls that live on the building site of the new restaurant. Can the awkward new kid and his feral friend prank the pancake people out of town? Or is the owls' fate cemented in pancake batter?
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HOOT
- By Joseph on 12-05-03
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Bad Monkey
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: Arte Johnson
- Length: 11 hrs and 25 mins
- Unabridged
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Andrew Yancy—late of the Miami Police and soon-to-be-late of the Monroe County sheriff’s office—has a human arm in his freezer. There’s a logical (Hiaasenian) explanation for that, but not for how and why it parted from its shadowy owner. Yancy thinks the boating-accident/shark-luncheon explanation is full of holes, and if he can prove murder, the sheriff might rescue him from his grisly Health Inspector gig (it’s not called the roach patrol for nothing).
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Flame-out fail
- By Lars on 06-16-13
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Lucky You
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Narrated by: George Newbern
- Length: 12 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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Grange, Florida, is famous for its miracles - the weeping fiberglass Madonna, the Road-Stain Jesus, the stigmata man. And now it has JoLayne Lucks, unlikely winner of the state lottery. Unfortunately, JoLayne's winning ticket isn't the only one. The other belongs to Bodean Gazzer and his raunchy sidekick, Chub, who believe they're entitled to the whole $28 million jackpot. And they need it quickly, to start their own underground militia before NATO troops invade America. But JoLayne Lucks has her own plans for the Lotto money - an Eden-like forest in Grange must be saved from strip-malling.
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Not Hiaasen's best work
- By Jimmy on 06-18-13
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Fever Beach
- A Novel
- By: Carl Hiaasen
- Length: 14 hrs
- Unabridged
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“The afternoon of September first, dishwater-gray and rainy, a man named Dale Figgo picked up a hitchhiker on Gus Grissom Boulevard in Tangelo Falls, Florida. The hitchhiker, who reminded Figgo of Danny DeVito, asked for a lift to the interstate. Figgo said he’d take him there after finishing an errand.” Thus begins Fever Beach, with an errand that leads—in pure Hiaasen-style—into the depths of Florida at its most Floridian: a sun-soaked bastion of right-wing extremism, white power, greed, and corruption.
By: Carl Hiaasen
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Swamp Story
- A Novel
- By: Dave Barry
- Narrated by: Dave Barry
- Length: 7 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
Jesse Braddock is trapped in a tiny cabin deep in the Everglades with her infant daughter and her ex-boyfriend, a wannabe reality TV star who turned out to be a lot prettier on the outside than on the inside. Broke and desperate for a way out, Jesse stumbles across a long-lost treasure, which could solve all her problems—if she can figure out how to keep it. The problem is some very bad men are also looking for the treasure, and they know Jesse has it.
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Don’t waste your credit
- By Cat Mom on 05-13-23
By: Dave Barry
What listeners say about Assume the Worst
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- CG Schott
- 04-14-18
My mother said the same thing.
Great advice from Carl Hiassen channeling my mother. Must be some cosmic connection going on here across the space-time continuum. After all, she named me Carl too.
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- Matty B
- 04-30-18
funny and insightful
loved it and agreed. the world is a rough place and your responsible for your place in it.
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- Carmen Merriam
- 04-10-18
Fabulous Haase!
I've loved everything he's done. It sounds like he's reading from someone else's book but he has an enjoyable voice.
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2 people found this helpful
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- Linda
- 08-13-18
Practical advice I wish I had heard sooner
This is the perfect graduation speech. It’s loaded with good advice about your expectations for your future. See the world as it is, not with expectations of a grand future with little effort on your part. I’m an optimist and had high expectations for my future. I have had a good life, but it sure did take more stress and strain than I thought it would. A short listen packed with wisdom.
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- Jamie Van Epps
- 09-21-20
just sad that this was so short
I loved the point and would love to get my teenage son to listen. I hated that it was so short. I didn't know it was that short when I ordered and would not have used one of my credits for it. but the message was perfectly what I think about life.
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- Advocatus Peregrini
- 06-23-18
Practical, If Shopworn Wisdom. But not worth...
...an entire audible credit.
It is possible for a 15 minute speech to be worth an entire audible credit. But this isn't one of those speeches. It's one of a genre of commencement speeches (surely, everybody's favorite venue...) called "Straight, borderline cynical talk." If you are no longer a starry-eyed, freshly-minted grad, you have heard all this already, may times.
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- Ed
- 04-12-18
Profanity laced banality
I know why this would never be an actual speech. It’s pretty much worthless. I want my 15 minutes back.
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- TIMM
- 04-14-18
Adolescent wisdom and wit
This book wasn’t for you, but who do you think might enjoy it more?
I suppose middle school graduates would appreciate the adolescent cynicism, but certainly not Hiaasen's adult fans--I hope!
What was most disappointing about Carl Hiaasen’s story?
That he would write it: what was he thinking?
What did you like about the performance? What did you dislike?
I had no issue with the performance.
If you could play editor, what scene or scenes would you have cut from Assume the Worst?
I would counsel H not to publish.
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- Walt Bagehot
- 03-01-24
A gyp
This was a nice little piece by Carl, but not really anything close to a book or even an essay.
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- Lynn Honstead
- 04-13-18
Disappointing
Very disappointed in this book. I expected some suspense and some excitement there’s was none.
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5 people found this helpful