Ted
An Extreme Horror Short Story
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Narrated by:
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Chris Barnes
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By:
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Matt Shaw
About this listen
Ted is a character from Rotting Dead F--ks. This is a stand-alone story.
Some people are destined for greatness. They could create fantastic pieces of art to be discussed throughout the ages, they could invest something which furthers mankind, and they could even help solve world hunger or make important steps toward world peace for everyone. These people could be your friends, your neighbors, and even the person you unwittingly bumped into at the petrol station this morning. They could really be anyone - anyone, that is, except Ted.
Ted is an asshole - a psychopathic, racist human of the worst kind.
Whilst the aforementioned people push the human race forward, Ted takes them back to the Dark Ages again with his narrow-minded, idiotic views of right and wrong. Just be thankful he sees a psychiatrist. At least, if he is talking to someone about his feelings, he is less of a danger to society, right?
Wrong.
Join Ted for a day in the life of f--ked up thoughts, appointments, and hookers. And then thank God it was only a day and not longer.
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Lucas knows the perfect night entails just three things: video games, wine, and pad thai. Peanuts are a must! Other people? Not so much. Why complicate things when he’s happy alone? Then one day the apartment board, a vexing trio of authority, rings his doorbell. And Lucas’s solitude takes a startling hike. They demand to see his frying pan. Someone left one next to the recycling room overnight, and instead of removing the errant object, as Lucas suggests, they insist on finding the guilty party. But their plan backfires. Colossally.
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Narrator doesn’t get Backman’s satire or rhythm
- By joey1603 on 12-01-24
By: Fredrik Backman, and others
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Dead Med
- By: Freida McFadden
- Narrated by: Patricia Santomasso, Scott Merriman
- Length: 10 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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When Heather McKinley dreamed of becoming a doctor, she imagined curing sick kids and sporting pink stethoscopes. She never anticipated the sleepless nights, grueling exams, and endless labs. And she certainly never knew that her medical school earned the nickname Dead Med thanks to the tragic history of students overdosing on illegal drugs. But Heather would never consider doing anything like that. That is, until her longtime boyfriend dumps her, she finds herself failing anatomy, and her world starts to crumble.
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Hmm
- By Morgan Meaux on 08-22-24
By: Freida McFadden
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Starship Troopers
- By: Robert A. Heinlein
- Narrated by: R.C. Bray
- Length: 8 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Johnnie Rico never really intended to join up—and definitely not the infantry. But now that he’s in the thick of it, trying to get through combat training harder than anything he could have imagined, he knows everyone in his unit is one bad move away from buying the farm in the interstellar war the Terran Federation is waging against the Arachnids. Because everyone in the Mobile Infantry fights. And if the training doesn’t kill you, the Bugs are more than ready to finish the job.
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The definitive version!
- By Kristopher G. Hesson on 10-03-24
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The Art of War
- By: Sun Tzu
- Narrated by: Aidan Gillen
- Length: 1 hr and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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The 13 chapters of The Art of War, each devoted to one aspect of warfare, were compiled by the high-ranking Chinese military general, strategist, and philosopher Sun-Tzu. In spite of its battlefield specificity, The Art of War has found new life in the modern age, with leaders in fields as wide and far-reaching as world politics, human psychology, and corporate strategy finding valuable insight in its timeworn words.
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The actual book The Art of War, not a commentary
- By Nemo71 on 12-31-19
By: Sun Tzu
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Home Is Where the Bodies Are
- By: Jeneva Rose
- Narrated by: January LaVoy, Cassandra Campbell, Brittany Pressley, and others
- Length: 8 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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After their mother passes, three estranged siblings reunite to sort out her estate. Beth, the oldest, never left home. She stayed with her mom, caring for her until the very end. Nicole, the middle child, has been kept at arm’s length due to her ongoing battle with a serious drug addiction. Michael, the youngest, lives out of state and hasn’t been back to their small Wisconsin town since their father ran out on them seven years before.
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Perfect Audio.
- By Black Women Read Too on 05-19-24
By: Jeneva Rose
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Say No More
- By: Caroline Overington
- Narrated by: Anna Skellern
- Length: 5 hrs and 47 mins
- Original Recording
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Who is Audrey Hoedemaker? It's a question her sister Maureen has heard more times than she can count, and she doesn't know what the short answer would be. Little sister, troubled teen, backpacker, musical theatre coach, con artist, childcare worker. Murderer. A tragic, traumatic childhood casts a long shadow on the Hoedemaker sisters. Maureen has worked hard to move beyond the violence of the past and build a good, honest life for herself. Audrey, however, just can't seem to do the same, careening from one state of chaos to another.
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Great Characterization
- By dovermoyer on 12-14-24
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Brain Damage
- By: Freida McFadden
- Narrated by: Megan Tusing
- Length: 9 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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As Charly struggles to recover from her brain injury, she begins to realize that the events of that fateful night are trapped in the damaged right side of her brain. Now, she must put the jigsaw pieces together to discover the identity of the man who tried to kill her...before he finishes the job he started.
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Who Else Laughed, Cried, and Shuddered?
- By Jennifer Chichester on 09-16-22
By: Freida McFadden
What listeners say about Ted
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Amazon Customer
- 02-27-16
Racist With Good Manners
This story sort of feels like a cut scene from a larger book. Ted can only discribed as a product of Public schools education and lots of unvarified news . That said it's still funny listening to this story his line of thinking and what our writer decides the character should act on. It's got replay value.
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- Jon Weimer
- 06-15-16
Darkly Funny Definitely NSFW
Much of Matt's work is darkly funny, but this one made me laugh till I cried.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Dawnzilla
- 09-16-15
It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This
Ted is the story of a guy named - well - Ted. Ted is a racist, sexist jerk who originally appeared in Matt Shaw's "Rotting Dead F*cks." Not only is he all of these things, but he's a sociopath to top it off. If that doesn't make him endearing enough, he also hires prostitutes on a regular basis.
In "Ted," Ted hires a hooker after leaving his psychologist's office. The hooker he wants to hire is a tall, cute blonde and what he gets instead is a black woman. You can only imagine what happens from there.
Those who have read my reviews on this site know how much I respect Shaw as an author and Chris Barnes as a narrator. Scratch that. He's not a narrator, he's a performer. He does such an incredible job bringing this and other characters to life that you may easily forget your listening to a book and not the ramblings of a crazy man.
Remember what you're getting yourself into with this one. It even comes with a warning at the beginning. If you are easily offended by racists, misogynists, or otherwise ignorant people, or if a lot of vulgarity and sex doesn't do it for you - STAY AWAY!
However, if you like an entertaining, quality story, listen to the sample (FIRST) then, pick up your copy. It's disturbing, but a hell of a fun ride.
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- Midwestbonsai
- 09-16-15
want to be disgusted very quickly, you must listen
Queue the music.
Come and listen to a story about a man named Ted,
A crazy sociopath, would rather see everyone dead,
And then one day something happened that did not compute,
This happened while he was having sex with a prostitute.
Call girl that is, hooker, street walker.
The above little jingle pretty much sums up the story of Ted.
Matt Shaw once again delivers a disturbing tale, that is up there on the vulgarity. This is the only reason I would call this a horror, much more of a psychological thriller. I did learn more than I ever wanted to about sexual terms such as, donkey punch,
Ted is a racist misogynistic sociopath that is obsessed with sex. Here Shaw takes us on a ride within the head of Ted as he has a good day. On this day Ted see’s his therapist, has sex with a prostitute and gets the scare of his life. I cannot give more detail than that without telling the whole story. I would not want to know what a bad day for Ted would be.
If you want to be disgusted very quickly, you must listen.
I am not sure how Chris Barnes can keep narrating Shaw’s books. Especially because he performs them so well. He does not just read the words, he brings them to life. In a way that makes everything seem so believable. I think that might be the most disturbing part of these audiobooks.
Audiobook provided for review by the narrator.
Please find this complete review and many others at my review blog
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11 people found this helpful