Episodes

  • It’s NOT the Event!

    It’s NOT the Event!
    Apr 2 2025
    I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married -- the wedding -- that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be. The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt. At the other end... when a marriage is hurting and in trouble, I watch as people once again focus on an event or a moment. Perhaps it was that moment when a spouse says, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Or perhaps it is an event, like separation or even divorce. Those events and moments hurt. But they provide no path back to a loving and connected marriage. To get there, you need to focus on something else, not the moment or the event. Let's talk about where to shift your focus, and where, so that you can restore your marriage. RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System The Importance of Connection 3C's of Restoring Dangers of The Pause Button
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    22 mins
  • Big Mistake #3 People Make

    Big Mistake #3 People Make
    Mar 27 2025
    There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage. This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest. I hear it in the questions people send me every single week. In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day. And here is the sad thing: the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results. Like all mistakes, it is avoidable. (If something is unavoidable, it can't be a mistake; a mistake always has an alternative that could avoid the mistake.) I am betting you have made this mistake. (I have.) My hope is that, once I point it out, it will be so obvious that you will not repeat it. RELATED RESOURCES: 3 Problems With Marital Therapy Avoid The 3 A's Separation: Will It Help? Why Your Spouse Doesn't Believe You Will Change "I've Changed" and 3 Other Things NOT To Say Grab the Save The Marriage System
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    15 mins
  • Facing the FACTs of Your Crisis

    Facing the FACTs of Your Crisis
    Mar 19 2025
    Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point. Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks. And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage. In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT. We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward. Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is Vital You Need a Plan 3 C Approach 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System
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    23 mins
  • 5 Things You Must STOP Doing

    5 Things You Must STOP Doing
    Mar 12 2025
    I know it hurts. And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful. Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see people do when they are trying to save their marriage. And unfortunately, they get the exact opposite of what they want. They want to have a spouse want to work on things, pivot away from separation or divorce, and return to the marriage. Instead, they get distance and a hardened belief that there is no other option than ending things. Which is why you DON'T want to fall into any of these 5 traps. Oh, and I will also let you in on 3 things you should be doing (none requires your spouse to participate -- at the beginning). RELATED RESOURCES: The Save The Marriage System Why Connection Matters The No Contact Rule Crap Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage
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    23 mins
  • Dealing with Apathy

    Dealing with Apathy
    Mar 5 2025
    So, what DO you do when apathy strikes? It might be YOUR apathy. But more likely, it will be your spouse's apathy. (And it might be both of you!) It just seems there is no emotion, no care, no concern. What IS apathy? What does it mean? Why does it happen? And most importantly, what can you do about it? This week, we explore dealing with YOUR apathy, then dealing with YOUR SPOUSE'S apathy. RELATED RESOURCES You Are The Best Tool Dealing With Disconnection "Too Little, Too Late"? Start With What Is You Need A Plan 3 C's Of Saving Your Marriage Dealing With Anxiety No Contact Is Crap No Reverse Psychology Interview with Gary Chapman Save The Marriage System
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    29 mins
  • Choosing Your Response

    Choosing Your Response
    Feb 26 2025
    Have you ever been sucked into a situation or argument, then realized your actions were not what you wanted? There is that split second, that pause, where you get to choose your response. Many people miss that split second, telling themselves, "I had no choice. I was just reacting." But deep down, we know that is not the case. We have a choice on how to respond. If you miss that choice, you will regret the reaction. How do you choose? Let's talk about that in this week's podcast. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Be On The Same Team Argument Fails Your Fail Points The Save The Marriage System
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    15 mins
  • You Have A Choice

    You Have A Choice
    Feb 19 2025
    “It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged. (Which is an interesting word, denoting she had lost courage… and she was coming to me to be encouraged — to gain courage — to act one way or the other.) To be fair, the process of saving your marriage is emotional, heart-wrenching, painful, frustrating, and exhausting… before it turns the corner. Is it worth it? That was her choice. The Choice. To work on it or to walk away. Maybe it is all just getting to people this week… winter keeps on coming, crises seem to be everywhere, politics is unavoidable… and then there is that marriage crisis! Navigating all of that, staying afloat, and continuing to push forward is just tough. Which leads to the choice. Work on it or walk away? RELATED RESOURCES Resistant Spouse Can Every Marriage Be Saved? The 4th C “Give It To Me Straight” Save The Marriage System
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    30 mins
  • Don’t Fall for Bad Advice

    Don’t Fall for Bad Advice
    Feb 12 2025
    I wish this only happened every now and then. Imagine, for a second, that someone is working on saving their marriage. In this case, they have chosen to use my System. And they are making progress! (Yay!) Then... they decide to do something else... add something on... try to "spice up" their approach. And suddenly, their efforts fall apart. The other day, I was talking with someone who falls into this approach. Making great progress using my material. Then losing all progress when they added on some more "save your marriage" stuff they found on the internet. "I guess your approach doesn't work," this person said. I pointed out that my approach was, in fact, working... until they stopped using it and went with pretty much the exact opposite of what I recommend. No surprise, but their spouse was confused. And this person said, "I don't get it! It was supposed to save my marriage!" I asked, "Did you 'look under the hood' to see what was behind that approach? Did you wonder if it is compatible with what you were already doing?" I knew the answer before I asked, and I could tell I was correct from the confused "umm... I... well... uh... what do you mean?" that I heard back. Let me be the first to say, there is some great information out there on saving your marriage. And there is also a lot of steaming piles of 💩 out there! But when someone is desperate to save their marriage, it is sometimes tempting to jump onto some "great idea" out there. But that isn't a great approach... if you want to be successful. You have to manage that mess... or "Gatekeep" what is coming your way. And that is what we talk about on this week's episode. I discuss what works and what doesn't, how to distinguish between them, and how to gatekeep yourself, so that you save your marriage! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: My Approach My Books My System
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    25 mins