Email us your questions! - unfiltered@puredesire.org

Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• In 2006, I found out my husband had a pornography addiction. He later worked at a church and grew close to a female coworker. In January 2021, he admitted relapsing and revealed that this coworker helped him stop, claiming to be in love with her. I saw it as an emotional affair and asked him to stop texting her. Four years later, he still texts her, and I feel betrayed. Am I unreasonable in asking him to sever ties and stop all contact?
• I've been married for 19 years with two children. My husband is generally a good father and husband, but struggles with sexual unfaithfulness, particularly pornography. He claims to be four months porn-free, but we haven't gone through full disclosure. Though we've done groups and counseling, I feel emotionally exhausted and unsupported, especially when he deflects my concerns about his actions. I'm unsure how to manage my exhaustion while supporting him and address his lack of transparency in recovery. What can I do?
• Since 2020 (d-day), my husband has been in therapy, and although we started counseling together, the focus shifted to his healing. He often expresses unhappiness and says the family would be better off without him. He yells at our sons and creates constant conflict. After 4.5 years, I see no growth, and I feel exhausted, considering divorce. I find it odd that his therapist has never reached out to check in with me. Is this normal?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

When we experience betrayal, it seems as though our world has been turned upside down. This type of trauma can leave us feeling paralyzed and alone, unsure of what’s happening to us and if healing is even possible. On today’s episode, we are honored to have Dr. Barbara Steffens as our guest. She is the author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal and the founding President of APSATS: The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. Dr. Steffens walks us through what it looks like to find healing from betrayal trauma.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

APSATS Website

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

- Is lifelong sobriety possible? My husband has been addicted to pornography since he was 12-13. He has gone through a 12 step recovery program and gained 2 years of sobriety and good recovery. Recently, he has started relapsing over a 6 month period and has reached a point where he quit his job and checked himself into a 30-day inpatient addiction recovery center. I am trying to take it one day at a time, but I am afraid of what comes next. What if this doesn’t work and he can’t gain long term recovery or sobriety? What am I to do? Do I stay?

- What is considered sobriety? If the longest he has gone without a relapse was 7 months (since 2018), was that just white knuckling? I'm curious if my husband has ever actually been sober during his recovery journey. I am at the end of my rope, looking toward divorce. Every year I keep saying things will look different next year, but I don't want to keep saying that only to be going around the same hill. After so much broken trust, I don't know how to rebuild.

- In a recent episode, I loved how you talked about our spouses stepping up and stepping in. Then I realized my husband continually compares himself to others, but he believes all other men are addicted to porn, so he thinks he's no worse than any other. Are there stories out there of men who've been honorable in this area so he knows it's possible? Everyone he knows, his friends, in SA, in Seven Pillars, all struggle. I would love for him to have examples of men who can control themselves.

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• Do you have any suggestions on menopause and the effect it has on sexual intimacy? How to work through it, as well as just how important is sexual intimacy in a relationship? I know emotional intimacy is key but what about the physical?
• I would be interested in hearing a talk about the challenges of sex after menopause, especially when porn was in our history. I have a lot of pain with intercourse even with lubrication, so we haven’t had sex that way in several years. My husband suffered from Delayed Ejaculation, probably due to masturbation. We basically stopped trying to do intercourse a couple years ago and just manually stimulate. I’ve been through Betrayal and Beyond and my husband is currently doing Seven Pillars. We have healed so much emotionally and sexually, but we kind of miss intercourse. Any suggestions?
• I'm a recovering porn addict 2 years sober. I was wondering if you guys have experience in sensate focus and any insight you may have about that and renewing intimacy in my relationship?

What Men Need To Know About Menopause - Focus on the Family

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• The language often used by Pure Desire is for married couples, but what about the seriously dating couples who are moving toward marriage? What counsel do you have for young Christian adults in committed dating relationships who are close to engagement/marriage when porn addiction comes into the light?
• When a husband asks his wife to perform sexual acts he’s seen in porn, is this considered sexual abuse, even though it’s in a marriage? What effects would this betrayal have on a woman who was sexually abused in a similar way as a child?
• We are very close to a couple who are in the midst of betrayal and healing. The husband has been emotionally attached to another woman, to the point you could call it an emotional affair. They are working toward healing. I was wondering if you have any recommendations for couples dealing with emotional affairs and healing from this type of betrayal?
  
  

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

• How do I tread the line between being a trigger for my husband and still being sexy and flirty? I used to love wearing lingerie type nightgowns and throughout the day send messages to my husband about plans for our sexy time. But now I’m scared that if I send him a text like this, it will make him have sexual thoughts and he will have urges to act out.
• When people act out sexually, what are they looking for? (Bondage, role playing… how exotic are we talking?) What does the average couple feel comfortable with sexually?
• My body desires sex each month after my period. The rest of the month is a huge struggle with mental roadblocks, no physical desire, not feeling safe to engage, or a wall over my heart. I have been struggling to figure out if it’s hormones, betrayal trauma related, or a mixture of both. Why does this happen and how can I move toward having more sexual freedom?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

• I'm the addict spouse, and I've had a porn addiction since I was 11 years old (I'm 26 now). I've struggled with sexual addiction well before my wife and I met. I'm in recovery and making progress, but it’s still a very present struggle. How do I lead in my marriage when I feel like I'm not good enough in this area? Or perhaps from my wife's perspective, how can a wife follow a husband who struggles with addiction when it feels like she's the one who's more mature?
• What are some good indications of faked recovery for the betrayer? What are some examples of white knuckling? Are acting in behaviors abusive too? What are some examples of acting in behaviors?
• My husband failed his polygraph and insists he isn't hiding anything. Now what?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• I’m 62 years old and found out about my husbands porn addiction over 6 years ago. He had disclosed to me that he had been masturbating and using porn since he was 12 years old. It was devastating. We’ve sought help in many areas: from our church, groups, and counseling. The problem: my husband has never been able to achieve sobriety, ever. He has never stopped using porn and masturbating. I don’t know what should happen now, if anything? I feel exhausted, trapped, and beat down from this life.
• Betrayal has been a part of our relationship since before we were married, and only when it happened this third time (that I’m aware of), I realized this man has not changed and is not working on changing. When I challenged him on this he dug his heels in even harder and became cruel with me like I had never seen before. We’re separated and I’m planning to file for divorce. But something is holding me back. I know women who are choosing to stay in situations similar to mine. I have peace with God in my heart about my decision to go. I feel there are biblical grounds for divorce in my case, but I’m just scared to officially pull the trigger.
• We had set a boundary against porn before our marriage. Since finding out about his secret porn use, why should I stay and give him another chance when he already broke that boundary?

PD Podcast Episode About Divorce

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