In this episode of webe Pärents, Drs. Matthew Lederman and Alona Pulde tackle the deeply polarizing effects of current events and explore how these dynamics show up in our homes. Recorded in the wake of a heated election, they reflect on personal stories of their children's surprising reactions and offer practical steps to foster connection rather than division.
Through honest dialogue, Matt and Alona delve into how groupthink and "group hate" fuel the polarization tearing at the fabric of our society. They discuss how enemy images, judgment, and unchecked narratives perpetuate disconnection—and how to counteract them by leading with empathy, values, and open-hearted conversations.
Polarization often stems from an unmet need for empathy. When groups come together around shared hatred or opposition to someone, there's a tragic sense of connection—a shared outlet for expressing frustration or anger. While this might provide temporary relief, it deepens divisions and keeps us stuck in cycles of blame and toxicity.
Anger can also serve as a mask, protecting us from feeling deeper emotions like fear, pain, or worry. Yet, staying in anger doesn’t address the underlying needs or lead to solutions. A more constructive approach involves pausing, reflecting, and connecting with those deeper emotions, both within ourselves and with others.
For instance, with children, rather than labeling their anger or actions as “bad,” we can help them explore what unmet needs their feelings stem from. Encouraging them to identify and express these needs fosters understanding and avoids moralistic judgments of others. This same principle applies to adult conflicts. Whether it’s a disagreement between siblings or a national political divide, staying at the level of “who’s right” or “who started it” keeps us disconnected.
By shifting the focus from strategies—what someone did—to the underlying needs and feelings, we can open a path to connection. In moments of conflict, we can ask: What are my feelings trying to tell me? What unmet needs are behind them? Then, we extend the same curiosity toward the other person: What are they feeling and needing? When we listen to each other’s needs without judgment, we create the space for strategies that work for everyone involved.
This approach is especially challenging in situations where we lack direct influence over outcomes, like political decisions. But here, too, we can practice staying connected to needs—our own and those of others—even when strategies don’t align. Mourning unmet needs and grieving without creating an "enemy image" of others helps to heal rather than further divide.
Polarization feeds on extreme perspectives and the dehumanization of opposing views. To counter this, we can model compassion, curiosity, and care in our daily lives. The more people join this “radical middle,” rejecting polarization in favor of nuanced understanding, the stronger and more united our communities become. As individuals, we may not change governments overnight, but we can shift the cultural tide. Governments ultimately reflect the collective voice of the people—if that voice is united rather than polarized, it can lead to systemic change.
The key tools in this journey are pausing to reflect, staying curious, avoiding judgment, and changing the narrative. When we stop labeling others as “bad” or “wrong” and focus instead on their actions and
To learn more about what Alona & Matt are up to check us out at webeparents.com, or follow us on our socials at Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube. Be sure to subscribe to webe Pärents wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
48 mins