
Bless Your Heart
A Novel
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Narrated by:
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Stephanie Németh-Parker
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By:
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Lindy Ryan
About this listen
Long-listed, Esquire Magazine Best Books of the Year, 2024
A crackling mystery-horror novel with big-hearted characters and Southern charm with a bite, Bless Your Heart is a gasp-worthy delight from start to finish from debut author Lindy Ryan.
Rise and shine. The Evans women have some undead to kill.
It’s 1999 in Southeast Texas and the Evans women, owners of the only funeral parlor in town, are keeping steady with…normal business. The dead die, you bury them. End of story. That’s how Ducey Evans has done it for the last eighty years, and her progeny—Lenore the experimenter and Grace, Lenore’s soft-hearted daughter, have run Evans Funeral Parlor for the last fifteen years without drama. Ever since That Godawful Mess that left two bodies in the ground and Grace raising her infant daughter Luna, alone.
But when town gossip Mina Jean Murphy’s body is brought in for a regular burial and she rises from the dead instead, it’s clear that the Strigoi—the original vampire—are back. And the Evans women are the ones who need to fight back to protect their town.
As more folks in town turn up dead and Deputy Roger Taylor begins asking way too many questions, Ducey, Lenore, Grace, and now Luna, must take up their blades and figure out who is behind the Strigoi’s return. As the saying goes, what rises up, must go back down. But as unspoken secrets and revelations spill from the past into the present, the Evans family must face that sometimes, the dead aren’t the only things you want to keep buried.
A crackling mystery-horror novel with big-hearted characters and Southern charm with a bite, Bless Your Heart is a gasp-worthy delight from start to finish.
"A gloriously gruesome, compulsively readable debut that is as grizzly as it is clever and heartfelt."—Rachel Harrison
A Macmillan Audio production from Minotaur Books.
©2024 Lindy Ryan (P)2024 Macmillan AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“Such a brilliant blend of banter and dread. Authored with the confidence of a storyteller who knows every inch, cadence, and beat of their tale. Instantly cinematic. And if you’re anything like me, you’re going to wish you were part of the Evans family, working at the Evans Funeral Home, just so you can spend more time with these people. Lindy Ryan is on fire with this book.” (Josh Malerman, New York Times bestselling author of Bird Box and Daphne)
"The Evans women have arrived and these Southern belle slayers are carving out a spot in our undead hearts. Lindy Ryan has harnessed the charm and horror of a Romero-helmed Steel Magnolias, equal parts Carson McCullers and Bram Stoker. Bless her heart." (Clay McLeod Chapman, author of Ghost Eaters)
"Lindy Ryan is among the most electrifying voices in the horror genre today. Her writing is devastating, beautiful, and horrifying in all the best ways. With her new novel, she's created a group of characters you won't ever forget set in a world that's sure to get under your skin. Bless Your Heart is everything you could want in a horror novel and more. Highly recommended." (Gwendolyn Kiste, Three-time Bram Stoker Awards®-winning author of The Rust Maidens and Reluctant Immortals)
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Triggering and poor narration
- By Katherine Epperson on 07-11-23
By: Colleen Hoover
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Eleven Numbers
- A Short Story
- By: Lee Child
- Narrated by: James Anderson Foster
- Length: 1 hr and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Nathan Tyler is an unassuming professor at a middling American university with a rather obscure specialty in mathematics—in short, a nobody from nowhere. So why is the White House calling? Summoned to Washington, DC, for a top-secret briefing, Nathan discovers that he’s the key to a massive foreign intelligence breakthrough. Reading between the lines of a cryptic series of equations, he could open a door straight into the heart of the Kremlin and change the global balance of power forever.
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Wonderful
- By Or on 02-02-25
By: Lee Child
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George Orwell’s 1984
- An Audible Original adaptation
- By: George Orwell, Joe White - adaptation
- Narrated by: Andrew Garfield, Cynthia Erivo, Andrew Scott, and others
- Length: 3 hrs and 27 mins
- Original Recording
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It’s 1984, and life has changed beyond recognition. Airstrip One, formerly known as Great Britain, is a place where Big Brother is always watching, and nobody can hide. Except, perhaps, for Winston Smith. Whilst working at the Ministry of Truth, rewriting history, he secretly dreams of freedom. And in a world where love and sex are forbidden, where it’s hard to distinguish between friend and foe, he meets Julia and O’Brien and vows to rebel.
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A Revelation!
- By wotsallthisthen on 04-07-24
By: George Orwell, and others
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Artemis
- By: Andy Weir
- Narrated by: Rosario Dawson
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Jazz Bashara is a criminal. Well, sort of. Life on Artemis, the first and only city on the moon, is tough if you're not a rich tourist or an eccentric billionaire. So smuggling in the occasional harmless bit of contraband barely counts, right? Not when you've got debts to pay and your job as a porter barely covers the rent. Everything changes when Jazz sees the chance to commit the perfect crime, with a reward too lucrative to turn down.
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A ferrari with no motor
- By will on 11-18-17
By: Andy Weir
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Do You Remember?
- By: Freida McFadden
- Narrated by: Teri Schnaubelt
- Length: 7 hrs and 12 mins
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Tess Strebel can’t recognize her own face. She can’t recognize her home. Her bedroom is unfamiliar. And she can’t remember the handsome stranger lying next to her in bed. A stranger who claims he’s her husband. Tess reads a letter in her own handwriting, composed during a rare lucid day, explaining her life as it now exists: she was in a terrible car accident one year ago. Every morning, she wakes up unable to remember most of the last decade. Including her own wedding.
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One of the better ones
- By cotswoldrose on 10-13-24
By: Freida McFadden
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10 Rules for the Perfect Murder
- By: James Patterson, Chris Tebbetts
- Narrated by: Reid Scott, Cobie Smulders, full cast
- Length: 3 hrs and 2 mins
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After the killing of a prominent mob lawyer, NYPD homicide detectives Jacob Jackson and Caitlin Grimes start receive chilling, written “rules” for how to commit the perfect murder. "Rule number one for the perfect murder: Evidence is your enemy. Leave none behind." Jackson (Reid Scott) and Grimes (Cobie Smulders) race to find the killer, setting them on a collision course with the city’s crime underbelly, and a perpetrator who seems happy to toy with them. “Rule number two. No crimes of passion. The perfect murder is always business, never pleasure.”
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Tricky
- By Robert Scott Read on 10-30-24
By: James Patterson, and others
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Sherlock Holmes: The Definitive Collection
- By: Arthur Conan Doyle, Stephen Fry - introductions
- Narrated by: Stephen Fry
- Length: 71 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Ever since he made his first appearance in A Study In Scarlet, Sherlock Holmes has enthralled and delighted millions of fans throughout the world. Now Audible is proud to present Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, read by Stephen Fry. A lifelong fan of Doyle's detective fiction, Fry has narrated the definitive collection of Sherlock Holmes - four novels and four collections of short stories. And, exclusively for Audible, Stephen has written and narrated eight insightful introductions, one for each title.
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Chapter Guide!
- By Katya Rice on 05-25-18
By: Arthur Conan Doyle, and others
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Mad Love
- By: Wendy Walker
- Narrated by: Julia Whelan, Alexis Bledel, Renée Elise Goldsberry, and others
- Length: 4 hrs and 11 mins
- Original Recording
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They were madly in love. The perfect couple. That was the story everyone in South River believed...until Gin Talcott and Adam Archer are found shot in their bed. Adam is dead at the scene. Gin is fighting for her life. Detectives Greta Jessup and Finn Pate are assigned to the case. Greta has a long history with Gin’s first husband, Eddie, and is determined to protect his 18-year-old twins. Piper discovered the bodies. Daniel is missing—and so is Adam’s gun.
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Surprised
- By marcie on 05-25-24
By: Wendy Walker
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The Ex
- By: Freida McFadden
- Narrated by: Nicol Zanzarella
- Length: 8 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Cassie thinks she has met the perfect man. Joel is sweet, handsome, romantic, and best of all, he’s crazy about Cassie. She thinks she’s found the guy she’ll spend the rest of her life with. Have children with. Grow old with. Yes, she knows about his perfect ex-girlfriend, Francesca. The beautiful, brilliant chef, beloved by all his friends. But she thinks Francesca is out of the picture. She thinks Francesca is gone for good. Think again, Cassie.
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Too bizarre for someone who loves bizarre
- By G. C. Webster on 07-01-22
By: Freida McFadden
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very fun
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Welcome to Argentina and the fascinating, frightening, fantastical imagination of Mariana Enriquez. In twelve spellbinding new stories, Enriquez writes about ordinary people, especially women, whose lives turn inside out when they encounter terror, the surreal, and the supernatural. A neighborhood nuisanced by ghosts, a family whose faces melt away, a faded hotel haunted by a girl who dissolved in the water tank on the roof, a riverbank populated by birds that used to be women.
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Sloane Parker is dreading her birthday. She doesn’t need a reminder she’s getting older, or that she’s feeling indifferent about her own life. Her husband surprises her with a birthday-weekend getaway—not with him, but with Sloane’s longtime best friend, troublemaker extraordinaire Naomi. Sloane anticipates a weekend of wine tastings and cozy robes and strategic avoidance of issues she’d rather not confront, like her husband’s repeated infidelity.
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By day, Maeve Fly works at the happiest place in the world as every child’s favorite ice princess. By the neon night glow of the Sunset Strip, Maeve haunts the dive bars with a drink in one hand and a book in the other, imitating her misanthropic literary heroes. But when Gideon Green—her best friend’s brother—moves to town, he awakens something dangerous within her, and the world she knows suddenly shifts beneath her feet. Untethered, Maeve ditches her discontented act and tries on a new persona.
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femme fatale meets psycho killer
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1989, Lamesa, Texas. A small west Texas town driven by oil and cotton—and a place where everyone knows everyone else’s business. So it goes for Tolly Driver, a good kid with more potential than application, seventeen, and about to be cursed to kill for revenge. Here Stephen Graham Jones explores the Texas he grew up in, and shared sense of unfairness of being on the outside through the slasher horror Jones loves, but from the perspective of the killer, Tolly, writing his own autobiography. Find yourself rooting for a killer in this summer teen movie of a novel gone full blood-curdling tragic.
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Andrew Larimer has left his past behind. Rising up the ranks in a New York law firm, and with a heavily pregnant wife, he is settling into a new life far from Kingsport, the town in which he grew up. But when he receives a late-night phone call from an old friend, he has no choice but to return home.
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Am I reading IT or what
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Diavola
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Witty, Original, VERY satisfying ending
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Sleep Tight
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Father Silence once terrorized the rural town of Twisted Tree, disguising himself as a priest to prey on the most vulnerable members of society. When the police finally found his House of Horrors, they uncovered nineteen bodies and one survivor–a boy now locked away in a hospital for the criminally insane. Nearly two decades later, Father Silence is finally put to death, but by the next morning, the detective who made the original arrest is found dead. A new serial killer is taking credit for the murder and calling himself the Outcast.
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I realized I just wasted 11 hours of my life…
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Slewfoot
- A Tale of Bewitchery
- By: Brom
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Connecticut, 1666. An ancient spirit awakens in a dark wood. The wildfolk call him Father, slayer, protector. The colonists call him Slewfoot, demon, devil. To Abitha, a recently widowed outcast, alone and vulnerable in her pious village, he is the only one she can turn to for help. Together, they ignite a battle between pagan and Puritan - one that threatens to destroy the entire village, leaving nothing but ashes and bloodshed in their wake.
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great book, but bottom of brom's selection
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By: Brom
What listeners say about Bless Your Heart
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- Heather L.
- 05-27-24
Creepy summer listen. I loved it!
I highly recommend! It’s funny, sassy, a little creepy, with some mystery, and a twist. Too fun!
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- Jane W.
- 08-18-24
Things That Go Bump In the Night
This was a standout comedy horror novel for me and I absolutely adored it, especially the Evans women. Set in a small Texas town, four generations of Evans women help run the funeral parlor from 80-year old Ducey, the steely matriarch, to 15-year old Luna, the youngest Evans just trying to survive high school. Things start to go bump in the night and before we know it people start to turn up, or not turn up, dead all throughout the town. Big moments happen for everyone along with there being consequences to actions taken with everything coming full circle in the end.
Throughout the story we learn a little bit about the big mess that occurred 15 years prior and about how each of these characters think. I especially enjoyed bouncing around between the different viewpoints which I'm not usually a fan of but it was handled so deftly with this novel that I was excited to see what each character was doing or what they were thinking about with the situation.
I've got to say that the narrator, Stephanie Németh-Parker, also really brought it all beautifully together. The way she changed her voice to fit all of the different characters really gave them an extra oomph and even her male intonation wasn't too bad. Highly recommend this book especially if you want your horror southern fried with a dash of hot sauce.
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- Jamie Toepel
- 05-15-24
Bless y’all’s heart!
What a fantastic debut! This story is unique and feels classic at the same time! 4 generations of Texas women run a small town funeral home, where they “take care of” the restless dead! It made me laugh, it made me cry! Fantastic narration! Highly recommend!
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- L. Garcia
- 05-03-24
Fast read, fun mystery
Good storyline, well developed characters and good twist. Listened to it in three days! Looking forward to the next book.
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- Kia
- 05-20-24
Fantastic experience!
Really loved this book, and the production of the audio book was done really well. Highly recommend!
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- jim and lynn wright
- 09-29-24
Excellent Vampire story!
I loved this book from start to finish. The characters are well created and the story was great.
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- M
- 05-19-24
I can't wait for the next one!
This book follows Luna through being a teenager in the 1990s. Her family is a little odd but they stick together and run the town's funeral parlor. I need the next in the series asap.
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- Amazon Customer
- 04-30-24
Like true blood meets practical magic
I usually hate fun reads. Like I love a super long heavy plot but this book was just sooooo good. The narrater deserves an award and all the characters were interesting and compelling. I want more
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- Andrea Dethmers
- 04-19-24
Loved this book!
Never thought a book about dark creatures could also be so funny and emotional. I loved the bond the family had and how the characters all interacted with one another.
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- Dawn Major
- 05-31-24
Comic Horror
Great narration. Great story. Great characters. Just loved everything about this book, but especially the all female protagonists.
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