Bless Your Heart
A Novel
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Narrated by:
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Stephanie Németh-Parker
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By:
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Lindy Ryan
About this listen
A crackling mystery-horror novel with big-hearted characters and Southern charm with a bite, Bless Your Heart is a gasp-worthy delight from start to finish from debut author Lindy Ryan.
Rise and shine. The Evans women have some undead to kill.
It’s 1999 in Southeast Texas and the Evans women, owners of the only funeral parlor in town, are keeping steady with…normal business. The dead die, you bury them. End of story. That’s how Ducey Evans has done it for the last eighty years, and her progeny—Lenore the experimenter and Grace, Lenore’s soft-hearted daughter, have run Evans Funeral Parlor for the last fifteen years without drama. Ever since That Godawful Mess that left two bodies in the ground and Grace raising her infant daughter Luna, alone.
But when town gossip Mina Jean Murphy’s body is brought in for a regular burial and she rises from the dead instead, it’s clear that the Strigoi—the original vampire—are back. And the Evans women are the ones who need to fight back to protect their town.
As more folks in town turn up dead and Deputy Roger Taylor begins asking way too many questions, Ducey, Lenore, Grace, and now Luna, must take up their blades and figure out who is behind the Strigoi’s return. As the saying goes, what rises up, must go back down. But as unspoken secrets and revelations spill from the past into the present, the Evans family must face that sometimes, the dead aren’t the only things you want to keep buried.
A crackling mystery-horror novel with big-hearted characters and Southern charm with a bite, Bless Your Heart is a gasp-worthy delight from start to finish.
"A gloriously gruesome, compulsively readable debut that is as grizzly as it is clever and heartfelt."—Rachel Harrison
A Macmillan Audio production from Minotaur Books.
©2024 Lindy Ryan (P)2024 Macmillan AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“Such a brilliant blend of banter and dread. Authored with the confidence of a storyteller who knows every inch, cadence, and beat of their tale. Instantly cinematic. And if you’re anything like me, you’re going to wish you were part of the Evans family, working at the Evans Funeral Home, just so you can spend more time with these people. Lindy Ryan is on fire with this book.” (Josh Malerman, New York Times bestselling author of Bird Box and Daphne)
"The Evans women have arrived and these Southern belle slayers are carving out a spot in our undead hearts. Lindy Ryan has harnessed the charm and horror of a Romero-helmed Steel Magnolias, equal parts Carson McCullers and Bram Stoker. Bless her heart." (Clay McLeod Chapman, author of Ghost Eaters)
"Lindy Ryan is among the most electrifying voices in the horror genre today. Her writing is devastating, beautiful, and horrifying in all the best ways. With her new novel, she's created a group of characters you won't ever forget set in a world that's sure to get under your skin. Bless Your Heart is everything you could want in a horror novel and more. Highly recommended." (Gwendolyn Kiste, Three-time Bram Stoker Awards®-winning author of The Rust Maidens and Reluctant Immortals)
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Jenny sits in the same seat on the same train every week, seeing familiar faces come and go. Until a chance encounter shatters her world. Sixteen years ago, Jenny survived a traumatic ordeal that left her best friend, Susie, missing and presumed dead. The world has its theories about what happened to Susie Patterson, and one of those theories points the finger at Jenny. Now she lives a quiet life, volunteering at a crisis helpline while trying to deal with her own anxiety and the true crime fans obsessed with finding her missing friend.
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Too long
- By Anonymous User on 11-15-24
By: Sarah A. Denzil
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George Orwell’s 1984
- An Audible Original adaptation
- By: George Orwell, Joe White - adaptation
- Narrated by: Andrew Garfield, Cynthia Erivo, Andrew Scott, and others
- Length: 3 hrs and 27 mins
- Original Recording
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It’s 1984, and life has changed beyond recognition. Airstrip One, formerly known as Great Britain, is a place where Big Brother is always watching, and nobody can hide. Except, perhaps, for Winston Smith. Whilst working at the Ministry of Truth, rewriting history, he secretly dreams of freedom. And in a world where love and sex are forbidden, where it’s hard to distinguish between friend and foe, he meets Julia and O’Brien and vows to rebel.
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A Revelation!
- By wotsallthisthen on 04-07-24
By: George Orwell, and others
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The Teacher's Lie
- By: Brid Cummings
- Narrated by: Mia Wasikowska
- Length: 10 hrs and 35 mins
- Original Recording
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It’s been two years since Anna Cartwright’s life fell apart. During her first school trip as a young teacher, a student went missing and was never found. Not only was her career ruined, she was also accused of having an affair with fellow teacher and prime suspect Graham. Facing questions from journalists, police and family, Anna said she didn’t know what happened. She was lying. Now, Anna has returned to Australia. Her only hope is Land’s End Area School, an isolated concrete wasteland perched on the cliffs.
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SLO-o-o-w
- By Karen M on 11-27-24
By: Brid Cummings
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7 Hours to Die
- By: James Patterson, Duane Swierczynski
- Narrated by: Sarah Paulson, Patina Miller, Mel Rodriguez, and others
- Length: 2 hrs and 25 mins
- Original Recording
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Kidnappers grabbed Jenna in broad daylight, right in front of her children and their horrified classmates. Her family was issued an insane ransom demand: $25 million in cash and jewels, payable by the end of the school day, otherwise they’ll never see her again. As Jenna’s mother scrambles to gather the money, detectives Mo Butler and George Ortega follow the trail of the kidnappers, which will lead them through a sordid landscape of jealous lovers, broken dreamers, and twisted schemers. But every second counts, and there’s one thing Jenna Wade doesn’t have: very much time.
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This was such a fun Quick listen
- By Mdc on 10-08-24
By: James Patterson, and others
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He's Gone
- By: Rebecca Collomosse
- Narrated by: Victoria Blunt, Cicely Whitehead, Joe Eyre
- Length: 10 hrs and 21 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
My fiancé brought me tea and scrambled eggs in bed that morning, and we snuggled together, talking about buying our rings, and about our perfect wedding next year. Then we headed into town. He held my hand and gazed at the ring I liked best, a smile spreading slowly over his face. Then a glass of bubbly to celebrate. I felt flushed, excited and ready for the rest of my life with the man I loved. We race to get on the train home. It screams to a halt and I run towards its open doors. Made it. I think he’s right behind me — but when I turn around, he’s gone.
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Disappointing plot
- By TerriSweeta on 12-04-24
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Artemis
- By: Andy Weir
- Narrated by: Rosario Dawson
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Jazz Bashara is a criminal. Well, sort of. Life on Artemis, the first and only city on the moon, is tough if you're not a rich tourist or an eccentric billionaire. So smuggling in the occasional harmless bit of contraband barely counts, right? Not when you've got debts to pay and your job as a porter barely covers the rent. Everything changes when Jazz sees the chance to commit the perfect crime, with a reward too lucrative to turn down.
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A ferrari with no motor
- By will on 11-18-17
By: Andy Weir
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The Mysterious Affair at Styles
- By: Agatha Christie, Anna Lea - adaptation
- Narrated by: Peter Dinklage, Himesh Patel, Harriet Walter, and others
- Length: 3 hrs and 53 mins
- Original Recording
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England, 1914. The world is at war. Captain Hastings, injured and shaken, is invited to Styles Court to recover. It’s a grand old country house - the family home of his old friend - and a perfect haven. Or so it seems. But in the blistering summer heat, trouble is afoot. Simmering tensions are tearing the family apart, and it all comes to a head in the most horrifying way.
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It’s a perfect audible movie!
- By Malissa Caudell on 11-15-24
By: Agatha Christie, and others
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Do You Remember?
- By: Freida McFadden
- Narrated by: Teri Schnaubelt
- Length: 7 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Tess Strebel can’t recognize her own face. She can’t recognize her home. Her bedroom is unfamiliar. And she can’t remember the handsome stranger lying next to her in bed. A stranger who claims he’s her husband. Tess reads a letter in her own handwriting, composed during a rare lucid day, explaining her life as it now exists: she was in a terrible car accident one year ago. Every morning, she wakes up unable to remember most of the last decade. Including her own wedding.
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Eh
- By Zoe on 03-16-24
By: Freida McFadden
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3rd time and she's still a charm
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Spectacular
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The Perfect Couple
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Intriguing story that draws you in from the first page.
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In the wake of her son’s sudden death, Margaret Dobrescu struggles to keep it together in the face of her grief…and her guilt. She can’t help but blame herself for Kyle’s own lifelong struggles—namely, the alcoholism that plagued him. But within mere days of his funeral, secrets and suspicions begin to surface, and Margaret’s husband admits that Kyle once confessed to having a daughter. Clinging to the hope that some part of her son is still out there, Margaret embarks on a search to find her rumored granddaughter.
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Depressing
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Sir Lawrence Linwood is dead. More accurately, he was murdered—savagely beaten to death in his own study with a mediaeval mace. The murder calls home his three adopted children: Alan, an archeologist; Roger, an engineer; and Caroline, a journalist. But his heirs soon find that his last testament contains a strange proviso—that his estate shall go to the heir who solves his murder.
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Superior writing
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With a friend’s child missing, and the police failing, disgraced ex-detective Harper enlists the aid of a former crime boss to untangle a mystery that strikes too close to home. Disgraced, ex-detective Harper Adams is perfectly content wallowing at rock bottom. She’s lost her job, house, and reputation, and it only gets worse when she’s forced to move back home to Jackson Creek, Arkansas, the one place she swore she’d never return.
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team James forever
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Gone South
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Pursued by police and bounty hunters, Dan Lambert flees south toward the Louisiana bayous. In the swamplands he meets Arden Halliday, a young woman who bears the vivid burdens of her own past and who is searching for a legendary faith healer called the Bright Girl. Looking for simple kindness in a world that rarely shows it, bound by a loyalty stronger than love, Dan and Arden set off on a journey of relentless suspense and impassioned discovery...over dark, twisting waterways into the mysterious depths of the human heart.
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Wonderful McCammon Weirdness
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North of Nowhere
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After five years in hiding from their murderous father, the day Kristen and Ryan McIntyre have been dreading has arrived: Boyd McIntyre, head of a Los Angeles crime family, has at last tracked his kids to a small Montana town and is minutes away from kidnapping them. They barely escape in a small plane, but gunfire hits the fuel line. The pilot, a man who has been raising them as his own, manages to crash land in the middle of the Montana wilderness. The siblings hike deep into the woods, searching desperately for safety—unaware of the severity of the approaching storm.
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Meh
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Blind Bake
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Maddie Baker just wants to make ends meet. She gave up her school librarian career to return to her hometown and take care of her elderly aunt. So when she starts making Uber runs to supplement her barista job, she never dreamt she’d not only drop a man off to his murder but be labeled a person of interest in his death. Detective Noah Langley is looking for a fresh start in a city with a lower crime rate and a fraction of the population of Memphis. It’s just what he needs to recover from a nightmare that left him severely injured and his teenage mentee dead.
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loved meeting these new characters!
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What listeners say about Bless Your Heart
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Heather L.
- 05-27-24
Creepy summer listen. I loved it!
I highly recommend! It’s funny, sassy, a little creepy, with some mystery, and a twist. Too fun!
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- Jane W.
- 08-18-24
Things That Go Bump In the Night
This was a standout comedy horror novel for me and I absolutely adored it, especially the Evans women. Set in a small Texas town, four generations of Evans women help run the funeral parlor from 80-year old Ducey, the steely matriarch, to 15-year old Luna, the youngest Evans just trying to survive high school. Things start to go bump in the night and before we know it people start to turn up, or not turn up, dead all throughout the town. Big moments happen for everyone along with there being consequences to actions taken with everything coming full circle in the end.
Throughout the story we learn a little bit about the big mess that occurred 15 years prior and about how each of these characters think. I especially enjoyed bouncing around between the different viewpoints which I'm not usually a fan of but it was handled so deftly with this novel that I was excited to see what each character was doing or what they were thinking about with the situation.
I've got to say that the narrator, Stephanie Németh-Parker, also really brought it all beautifully together. The way she changed her voice to fit all of the different characters really gave them an extra oomph and even her male intonation wasn't too bad. Highly recommend this book especially if you want your horror southern fried with a dash of hot sauce.
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- Jamie Toepel
- 05-15-24
Bless y’all’s heart!
What a fantastic debut! This story is unique and feels classic at the same time! 4 generations of Texas women run a small town funeral home, where they “take care of” the restless dead! It made me laugh, it made me cry! Fantastic narration! Highly recommend!
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- L. Garcia
- 05-03-24
Fast read, fun mystery
Good storyline, well developed characters and good twist. Listened to it in three days! Looking forward to the next book.
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- Kia
- 05-20-24
Fantastic experience!
Really loved this book, and the production of the audio book was done really well. Highly recommend!
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- jim and lynn wright
- 09-29-24
Excellent Vampire story!
I loved this book from start to finish. The characters are well created and the story was great.
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- M
- 05-19-24
I can't wait for the next one!
This book follows Luna through being a teenager in the 1990s. Her family is a little odd but they stick together and run the town's funeral parlor. I need the next in the series asap.
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- Amazon Customer
- 04-30-24
Like true blood meets practical magic
I usually hate fun reads. Like I love a super long heavy plot but this book was just sooooo good. The narrater deserves an award and all the characters were interesting and compelling. I want more
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- Lisa M.
- 05-27-24
The beginning of a fun saga
Fun story, well written and very well read. I could see every character and look forward to more adventures with these strong, smart and courageous women.
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- DeAnn
- 07-26-24
Hang in there
If you can get past the gory explanations and the first few chapters would be glad you did!
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