Coke and Pepsi McDonald didn’t want to jump off a cliff. They didn't want to get hit by poisoned darts from blowguns either. And they certainly don't want to get locked in their burning school, thrown into a pit at the top of a sand dune, or drowned in a vat of liquefied Spam. But what are you supposed to do when you’re being chased across the country by your insane health teacher and two guys in bowler hats who are trying to kill you? One thing's for sure, it'll be a snap for Coke and Pep to write their essays on "How I Spent My Summer Vacation."

In New York Times best-selling author Dan Gutman's all-new series, which blends fascinating real history with an action-packed and hilarious adventure, four very different kids are picked by a mysterious billionaire to travel through time and photograph some of history's most important events. This time the four friends are headed to 1863 to catch Abraham Lincoln delivering his famous Gettysburg Address.

In 1992, Count Phillippe Pozzo di Borgo, on the heels of his wife's diagnosis with a terminal illness, suffered a paragliding accident that left him a quadriplegic. Forty-two years old, trapped inside his luxurious Paris town house, he was an outcast for the first time in his life. Abdel, an unemployed Algerian immigrant who had been an outcast for his entire existence, would become Phillipe's unlikely caretaker. Quick-thinking, unsentimental, and more than a little wild, Abdel surprises both himself and his employer.

When Norm Macdonald, one of the greatest stand-up comics of all time, was approached to write a celebrity memoir, he flatly refused, calling the genre “one step below instruction manuals.” Norm then promptly took a two-year hiatus from stand-up comedy to live on a farm in northern Canada. When he emerged he had under his arm a manuscript, a genre-smashing book about comedy, tragedy, love, loss, war, and redemption. When asked if this was the celebrity memoir, Norm replied, “Call it anything you damn like.”

New York Times best-selling author Gordon Korman harkens back to his No More Dead Dogs days in this stand-alone that takes a tone more serious than you've ever heard from him before. A boy who's been a bully and hanging out with the wrong friends gets a new start after a memory-loss-inducing accident. But can someone really change who he is, or will the old him merely come back over time?

On the eve of his father’s death, Tyler Thompson finds himself continually haunted by the memories of things lost. Since that horrible day, he continually gets into trouble, seeking anger as a coping mechanism. That is, until one day, in a tragic turn of events, Tyler, along with his faithful dog Maxx, fall into a cesspool where he is exposed to a mysterious green liquid that changes his DNA, giving him extraordinary powers.

The first time she saw him, she flipped. The first time he saw her, he ran. That was the second grade, but not much has changed by the seventh. Juli says, "My Bryce. Still walking around with my first kiss." He says, "It's been six years of strategic avoidance and social discomfort." But in the eighth grade, everything gets turned upside down: Just as Bryce is thinking that there's maybe more to Juli than meets the eye, she's thinking that he's not quite all he seemed.

Hank Zipzer: He's smart. He's creative. He's funny. His pencils are sharpened. His binders are bound. He wants to do well in school, he really does. He tries not to be lazy, like his parents claim he is. So why is he always getting into trouble?

Daniel X is closing in on his parents' killer. But in this thrilling adventure, danger - and the world's deadliest aliens - lurk in the shadows.

This audiobook follows eigth-grader "Antsy" Bonano as he looks back on three accidental, but beneficial friendships with a few interesting characters, including the often ignored Calvin Schwa.

Popular author Gordon Korman has sold millions of copies of his irreverant books for young readers. In this fast-paced caper, 11-year-old Griffin Bing finds something far more profitable than cobwebs during a haunted house sleepover - a rare Babe Ruth baseball card. But when a swindler scams the card from Griffin for only $125, the resourceful sixth grader and his friends plot their revenge.

What do the lives of Lincoln, Helen Keller, Joan of Arc, and other historical figures have in common with Paula Poundstone? In the hands of this wryly observant and self-deprecating comedian, the answer is outrageously funny and unexpectedly touching. Poundstone compares her crazy life to theirs, as she holds forth on her children, her career, and the time in her life when it appeared she would lose them both.

Jamie Grimm is a middle schooler on a mission: he wants to become the world's greatest standup comedian—even if he doesn't have a lot to laugh about these days. He's new in town and stuck living with his aunt, uncle, and their evil son Stevie, a bully who doesn't let Jamie's wheelchair stop him from messing with Jamie as much as possible. But Jamie doesn't let his situation get him down. When his Uncle Frankie mentions a contest called The Planet's Funniest Kid Comic, Jamie knows he has to enter.

There is just one thing that really sets Vince Luca apart for other kids - his father happens to be the head of a powerful crime organization. Needless to say, while Vince's family's connections can be handy for certain things (like when teachers are afraid to give him a bad grade), they can put a serious crimp in his dating life. But when Vince meets a girl who finally seems to be worth the trouble, her family turns out to be the biggest problem of all. Her father is an FBI agent - the one who has been watching Vince's family for years, and who wants to put his father away for good.

Meet Percy Stinkson. He's just a normal kid, trying to have fun and make it through school doing as little homework as possible....until he finds out he's the son of a Greek god! And Percy's father isn't just any Greek god. He's Pooseidon, God of Farts! Percy's life is totally transformed as he travels to Camp Half-Wit, where he's trained to use his special farting powers. He's going to need these powers, because he soon learns it's up to him to save the universe by going on a quest to find Zeus's stolen iPhone! It'll be a dangerous quest, but Percy will have company: Grover, a weird kid who thinks he's a half-goat, and Annabeth, a super-hot girl who unfortunately doesn't want to date Percy. Yet. There'll be loads of action and tons of smelly farts as Percy's quest proceeds to its exciting conclusion: a showdown in the Underworld with Hades himself! The odds might be against Percy, but don't give up hope, because he'll have the ultimate weapon at his disposal: The Lightning Fart! Can a fart really save the universe?

Funny Business is based around the theme of - what else? - humor, and if you’re familiar with Jon and the Guys Read Library, you already know what you’re in store for: 10 hilarious stories from some of the funniest writers around. Before you’re through, you’ll meet a teenage mummy; a kid desperate to take a dip in the world’s largest pool of chocolate milk; a homicidal turkey; parents who hand over their son’s room to a biker; and more.

Popular author Gordon Korman has sold millions of copies of his irreverant books for young readers. In this fast-paced caper, 11-year-old Griffin Bing finds something far more profitable than cobwebs during a haunted house sleepover - a rare Babe Ruth baseball card. But when a swindler scams the card from Griffin for only $125, the resourceful sixth grader and his friends plot their revenge.

What do the lives of Lincoln, Helen Keller, Joan of Arc, and other historical figures have in common with Paula Poundstone? In the hands of this wryly observant and self-deprecating comedian, the answer is outrageously funny and unexpectedly touching. Poundstone compares her crazy life to theirs, as she holds forth on her children, her career, and the time in her life when it appeared she would lose them both.

The Cheesemans are a family on the run. Mr. Cheeseman and his late wife invented a device so powerful and amazing that all sorts of evildoers want to get their greedy hands on it. Mr. Cheeseman and his three children must keep their identities secret and stay one step ahead of the villains as they run from town to town, escape dangerous situations, even change their names. Luckily, though they may not have the names they were born with, they do have their smarts — and quite a bit of good luck.

The New York Times best selling cartoonist behind the nationally acclaimed comic strip Pearls Before Swine, Stephan Pastis has won raves for Timmy Failure, the hilarious first book in a new series for young listeners. With the help of a polar bear named Total, Timmy Failure hopes to strike it rich by running the best detective agency around. The only problem is that our supremely confident hero is often more bumbling than brainy.

Mike Leonard is a lucky man. It’s not everyone who gets parents like Jack and Marge. At 87, Jack is a pathological optimist with an inexhaustible gift of gab. Marge, Jack’s bride of 60 years, though cut from the same rough bolt of Irish immigrant cloth, is his polar opposite - pessimistic and proud of it. What was their son, Mike, thinking when he took a sabbatical from his job with NBC News so he could pile these two world-class originals along with three of his grown kids and a daughter-in-law into a pair of rented RVs and hit the road for a month?

In 1992, Count Phillippe Pozzo di Borgo, on the heels of his wife's diagnosis with a terminal illness, suffered a paragliding accident that left him a quadriplegic. Forty-two years old, trapped inside his luxurious Paris town house, he was an outcast for the first time in his life. Abdel, an unemployed Algerian immigrant who had been an outcast for his entire existence, would become Phillipe's unlikely caretaker. Quick-thinking, unsentimental, and more than a little wild, Abdel surprises both himself and his employer.

After their home burns down, fourteen-year-old Nick, his younger brother, and their father move into a ramshackle Victorian house they've inherited. When Nick opens the door to his attic room, he's hit in the head by a toaster. That's just the beginning of his weird experiences with the old junk stored up there. After getting rid of the odd antiques in a garage sale, Nick befriends some local kids - Mitch, Caitlin, and Vincent - and they discover that all of the objects have extraordinary properties.

Someone has been farting up a storm at school and everyone thinks Keith Emerson is to blame. Unfortunately for Keith, it has earned him the nickname "S.B.D." (silent but deadly). To make matters worse, Keith's dad is a self proclaimed "Fart Machine" who really stinks it up at home. With the science fair quickly approaching, Keith decides he has had enough.

Cameron Boxer is very happy to spend his life avoiding homework, hanging out with his friends, and gaming for hours in his basement. It's not too hard for him to get away with it...until he gets so caught up in one game that he almost lets his house burn down around him. Oops. It's time for some serious damage control - so Cameron and his friends invent a fake school club that will make it seem like they're doing good deeds instead of slacking off. The problem? Some kids think the club is real.

Blue Collar Comedy star Bill Engvall is just a guy. He's been one his whole life. He can't help it; he was born that way. And that makes him an expert on the subject. For the record, here's the official definition of a guy: a person who doesn't think before he speaks. He can't. He's not that deep. Because a guy has only three basic needs: eating, sleeping, and sex. That's it. Just a Guy chronicles a lifetime in pursuit of those needs.

For eighth-grader Delia Douglas, competing in the World Double Dutch Championships with her best friends is a dream that has come true through hours of hard practice. But that dream is now threatened by a terrible secret: Delia can't read. And unless she finds the courage to reach out and get help, she might never jump in another Double Dutch meet again.

Introducing Laurie Notaro, the leader of the Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club. Every day she fearlessly rises from bed to defeat the evil machinations of dolts, dimwits, and creepy boyfriends - and that's before she even puts on a bra. For the past 10 years, Notaro has been entertaining Phoenix newspaper readers with her wildly amusing autobiographical exploits and unique life experiences.

Gloria Norris grew up in the projects of Manchester, New Hampshire, with her parents; her sister, Virginia; and her cat, Sylvester. A snapshot might show a happy young family, but only a dummkopf would buy that. Nine-year-old Gloria is gutsy and wisecracking. Her father, Jimmy, all dazzle and danger, is often on the far side of the law and makes his own rules - which everyone else better follow. Gloria's mom, Shirley, tries not to rock the boat, Virginia unwisely defies Jimmy, and Gloria fashions herself into his sidekick - the son he never had.

Carlos Eire's story of a boyhood uprooted by the Cuban Revolution quickly lures us in, as eleven-year-old Carlos and his older brother Tony touch down in the sun-dappled Miami of 1962 - a place of daunting abundance where his old Cuban self must die to make way for a new, American self waiting to be born. In this enchanting new work, narrated in Eire's inimitable and lyrical voice, young Carlos adjusts to life in his new country.