My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy
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Narrated by:
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Xe Sands
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By:
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Andrea Askowitz
About this listen
In this memoir of her 40 weeks and five days in hell, Andrea Askowitz takes an unflinching look at her pregnant life from struggling with hormones to poor body image to a self imposed exile from family to take us on a ride through the turbulence of single lesbian motherhood. Along the way we meet her liberal parents as they struggle with their daughter's choices, the lover she longs to reconnect with who goes M.I.A. before the pregnancy, the friends who turn out to be no help at all and strangers who offer up some unlikely kindness. Andrea presents herself real, raw, impossibly cranky yet deeply touching with her self-deprecating dark sense of humor that will make you wince or better yet send you into uncontrollable fits of laughter.
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Idiots
- Marriage, Motherhood, Milk & Mistakes
- By: Laura Clery
- Narrated by: Laura Clery
- Length: 8 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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A fresh, hilarious, and relatable collection of essays about everything from motherhood and marriage to sobriety and work-life balance (or imbalance) from the nationally bestselling author of the “honest, complicated” (SheKnows) Idiot.
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Tears and laughs!!
- By Anonymous User on 04-07-22
By: Laura Clery
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The Book of Help
- A Memoir in Remedies
- By: Megan Griswold
- Narrated by: Megan Griswold
- Length: 11 hrs and 14 mins
- Unabridged
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A hilarious and heartbreaking memoir-in-remedies by a self-described "professional soul-searcher" that details a journey of self-discovery through more than 160 tonics, seminars, regimens, and transformative therapies. With a voice that is at once intimate and hilarious, Megan captures the openness and honesty necessary for people to take a new path in life. Listeners will open the audiobook with curiosity about all the different healing therapies that Megan tries, but leave with a new understanding of themselves.
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Mr. Toad's Wild Ride has some serious competition!
- By Elisa R. Goodman on 02-15-19
By: Megan Griswold
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A Necessary End: A Novel
- By: Holly Brown
- Narrated by: Khristine Hvam, James Patrick Cronin
- Length: 12 hrs and 22 mins
- Unabridged
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At nineteen Leah bears a remarkable resemblance to the young woman Adrienne once was. Which is why Adrienne knows the baby Leah is carrying is meant to be hers. But Leah's got ideas of her own: Her baby's going to get a life in California; why shouldn't she? All she wants is to live in Adrienne's house for a year after the baby's born and get a fresh start. It seems like a small price for Adrienne to pay to get their baby. And with Gabe suddenly onboard, what could possibly go wrong?
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Long time audible listener.
- By Cherith DuBois on 07-11-15
By: Holly Brown
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Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay
- And Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom
- By: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Narrated by: Stefanie Wilder-Taylor
- Length: 5 hrs and 19 mins
- Unabridged
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In busy-mom-friendly short essays, Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay delivers the empathetic straight dirt on parenting, tackling everything from Mommy & Me classes ("Your baby doesn't need to be making friends at three months old - you do! But not with people you'll meet at Mommy & Me") to attachment parenting ("If you're holding your baby 24/7, that's not a baby, that's a tumor").
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Ok, nothing amazing
- By Lklns on 03-14-19
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All You Could Ask For
- A Novel
- By: Mike Greenberg
- Narrated by: Tavia Gilbert
- Length: 9 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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Happily married Brooke discovers her loving husband has led a separate life with…another wife. Newlywed Samantha learns of her husband's cheating heart when she finds the goods on his computer. High-powered career woman Katherine works with heartbreaker Phillip, the man who hurt her early on in her career. Brooke, Samantha, and Katherine don't know one another, but their stories are about to intertwine in ways no one could have imagined. And all three are about to discover the power of friendship to conquer adversity.
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Annoyed by Hidden Theme
- By parsnip on 08-12-13
By: Mike Greenberg
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Spelling It Like It Is
- By: Tori Spelling
- Narrated by: Tori Spelling
- Length: 6 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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Tori Spelling is the first to admit that the "reality" behind her popular television show, Tori & Dean, isn't always real. Not even Star magazine could invent the true chaos that happens behind the scenes. Luckily, Tori is famously honest and self-deprecatingly funny when it comes to her personal life - she's always "Spelling it like it is". Tori here shares her stories, her biggest challenges, and more with the usual humor, candor, and down-to-earth charm that her fans love.
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I Spell Opportunist: T O R I S P E L L I N G
- By Hilary on 07-22-14
By: Tori Spelling
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The Opposite of Maybe
- By: Maddie Dawson
- Narrated by: Hillary Huber
- Length: 13 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
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Jonathan and Rosie have been together so long they finish each other's sentences - so when he (finally) proposes and asks her to move across the country with him, everyone is happily surprised. But when things suddenly unravel, Rosie sends Jonathan packing and moves back home with Soapie, the irascible, opinionated grandmother who raised her.
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Well written book. The characters grow on you~
- By chatteycathi on 08-01-18
By: Maddie Dawson
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Get Lucky
- By: Katherine Center
- Narrated by: Morgan Hallett
- Length: 8 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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Filled with wit and heart, Get Lucky by Katherine Center explores the deep bonds of sisterhood. Sarah Harper’s whole world revolved around her job at a New York advertising agency before an email snafu got her fired. Now she’s seeking refuge at her sister Mackie’s home in Houston. But Mackie, who’s unable to get pregnant, is also down-and-out these days. So Sarah decides to do something good and becomes a surrogate mother.
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Finding what matters most in life
- By bizymom7 on 10-12-24
By: Katherine Center
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White Girl Problems
- By: Babe Walker
- Narrated by: Tavia Gilbert
- Length: 6 hrs and 21 mins
- Unabridged
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Babe Walker, center of the universe, is a painstakingly manicured white girl with an expensive smoothie habit, a proclivity for Louboutins, a mysterious mother she's never met, and approximately 50 bajillion Twitter followers. But her "problems" have landed her in shopping rehab - that's what happens when you spend $246,893.50 in one afternoon at Barneys. Now she's decided to write her memoir, revealing the gut-wrenching hurdles she's had to overcome in order to be perfect in every way, every day.
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Hysterical
- By Kimberlykate on 02-01-13
By: Babe Walker
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If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother
- By: Julia Sweeney
- Narrated by: Julia Sweeney
- Length: 6 hrs and 39 mins
- Unabridged
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Since her time on Saturday Night Live, where she created the infamous androgynous character "Pat", Julia Sweeney has gone on to establish herself as a witty, captivating performer of one-woman shows, like God Said Ha!, In the Family Way, and Letting Go of God. She gave a TED talk sharing how she explained the birds and the bees to her eight-year-old daughter, Mulan, which ignited an incredible response. Now, when it comes to talking about motherhood, people want to hear what Julia has to say.
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I Love Julia Sweeney
- By Lisa on 04-05-13
By: Julia Sweeney
What listeners say about My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- KIC
- 02-10-21
An insufferable real-life L-Word
At first, I thought the author was just neurotic. Tightly wound, but well-intentioned. After listening for 2 hours, I was just about ready to return the book, though I listened to the rest of it out of curiosity, because I find train-wrecks interesting.
Spoilers ahead.
***
I started off sympathetic for Andrea. Her anxiety was understandable, given her friend’s pregnancy and resulting cancer. Andrea was dealing with worse than average pregnancy symptoms. Not hyperemesis, but about as bad as you could get without being hospitalized. Pregnant people get too much flak, right? Women should be allowed to complain. I was prepared to be on Andrea’s side.
What I didn’t expect was what a high-maintenance, naval-gazing nit wit Andrea was before sperm got anywhere near her cervix.
Early on, the Andrea relates a few jaw-dropping anecdotes:
Years before her pregnancy, Andrea gave her gf Kate an anniversary card, in which she told her girlfriend she wasn’t sure if they’d stay together. To paraphrase, “Happy anniversary honey, sometimes I think about breaking up.” Kate said that being in a relationship with Andrea was like trying to build a house on an fault line, waiting for the next earthquake. I can see why.
Andrea harassed and judged Kate about her eating (she ate two grilled cheese sandwiches in one day! How could she possibly look after a child if she can’t look after *herself*?) Andrea’s fat-phobia was pretty tiresome in general. She didn’t want to become a fat, butch, lesbian cliché. Gee, from a fat lesbian reader who’s not exactly femme, thanks for your disdain.
At the age of 35, she related to her parents’ divorce like a teenager - that’s just her level of emotional maturity. She hadn’t an ounce of sympathy or patience for her father, despite his near-endless indulgence for her; nor did Andrea have any consideration for her father’s long-term girlfriend, yet still expected him to listen to and be supportive of her in her mature adulthood.
Andrea shows no hint of self-awareness or personal growth through 95% of the book, despite noticing the themes in what people say to her. Her high school friend said, “Andrea always tries to get what she wants.” Andrea’s response – “doesn’t everyone?” No Andrea, they don’t.
Her mother admonished her for *announcing her pregnancy at a relative’s funeral*, asking why she needed to talk about herself so much in the eulogy. Andrea’s response – “doesn’t everyone?” No girl. People talk about the deceased and how much the deceased affected others. You aren’t supposed to go on about your pregnancy and how you hope your future baby will be like the deceased, because that’s actually just talking about your baby, which is an extension of talking about yourself. It’s not homophobic to point that out.
Andrea just didn’t seem to get how insufferable, how rude and inconsiderate, and how self-centered she is, despite receiving this feedback from multiple loved ones and professionals in her life!
Another friend kindly, but frankly, outlined for Andrea the ways in which she has been a bad friend and how friendship is built on reciprocity. Andrea’s response – “that is the cruelest, most ungenerous thing you’ve ever said to me! Don’t tell me I have to give to get, that’s insulting.” - No introspection. No self-examination. Poor, pregnant, Andrea.
As I said, about 2 hours in, I was utterly turned off.
Origin Story Andrea is insufferable, but Kate stayed with her for *years* trying to work things out… and yet it was Andrea who said she was waiting for Kate to grow up. Her complaints about Kate were endless and menial. She dumped Kate and would beg to get her back. After repeating this cycle for eight years, Kate finally had enough and moved on. She got together with someone new and hopefully nicer.
As soon as was Kate secure in a new relationship, Andrea wrote a love letter to her! And then proposed to her! WTF! What. The. Actual. F.
Then after crossing far too many boundaries with Kate, she asks Kate to check up on her, and repeatedly stated that she loves her. To paraphrase, “I’m sorry about proposing to you and disrespecting your current relationship, but I really want to be your friend and I love you. Can you please check up on me? I really need it.”
Weeks later, Andrea expresses outrage and disdain for Kate who has NOT checked in with her! “This is why we can’t be together,” Andrea wept. “Kate is too selfish to step outside of herself and see what other people need!” No irony.
This is the same person who refused to invite her father’s girlfriend of five years to her baby shower, because he’d cheated on Andrea’s mom with this girlfriend. Years ago. Remember, at the time of the narrative, Andrea was 35… and you could practically hear her stomp her foot. No dad, your girlfriend can’t come!
Kate does eventually call, for classic codependence reasons. Kate could use a friend talk, as she’d had a difficult time at work. Andrea responds by insulting her whole profession. Not, “I’m so sorry you’ve been the target of an attack campaign designed to undermine your professional integrity!” She chooses to say to the woman she’s been pining after, “There’s no such thing as journalistic integrity, no such thing as truth.” FACEPALM.
At what point is this behaviour diagnosable? My neuro-atypical wife’s diagnosis is associated with self-centered and oblivious behaviours, and yet she CARES when she’s missed the mark or stepped on toes. Andrea refuses to even acknowledge her behaviour is wrong!
To her brother, she said, “Do you ever think of anyone besides yourself?” “Look who’s talking,” he replied. “What’s that supposed to mean???” Everyone close to Andrea is just over her shit, and told her so because she’s a crazy-maker in all their lives – and Andrea’s response was to write and publish a book about how she’s the victim in all of this. Her pregnancy was miserable and lonely and it’s everyone else’s fault! (Foot stomp!) The way she wrote herself is utterly unsympathetic! If she’d only injected some self-depreciating humour into this train wreck to indicate some self-awareness in hindsight, I think she would have had a really great book… but the tiresome way she writes herself as the victim in every situation shows how little she changed.
Back to boundary problems: she on a first name basis with her ob-gyn and writes about her doctor’s breasts, smile, and the general crush Andrea has on her. She flirts with her doctor. Her straight, married doctor. Then she feels gut-punched to learn her doc was pregnant for five months and didn’t tell Andrea. Her patient. Boundaries. Goddamn.
She goes on an aside about how women are more evolved than men. Just… did I time-warp on to a 1970s TERF lesbian commune? She doesn’t want to become a fat butch lesbian cliché but she’s fine with being a man-hating lesbian cliché?
Speaking of TERFs, she made an uncomfortable mention about meeting some people in the queer community who “seem to feel they are born in the wrong body”. She asked herself the open-ended question of how SHE might feel if her child grew up to be trans. She didn’t actually say anything overtly transphobic, buuuuut I feel like she’d be on the wrong side of the fence at the Michigan Women’s Music Festival. Given her complete lack of empathy with her closest loved ones, I doubt she has any empathy for trans folks.
Just when her therapist starts calling Andrea on her shit, Andrea quits therapy. Of course she does.
By the way, a doula is NOT a “cross between a midwife and a nurse”. In fact, a doula is not qualified to be either a midwife or a nurse. Doulas are unregulated and unlicensed, unlike nurses or midwives. There was a bit of medical misinformation in this book, but it turned out just fine for Andrea, and I did enjoy her birth story.
In her third trimester Andrea hits the “horny phase” of her pregnancy. This does not improve her personality, or her choices, OR her respect for other peoples’ relationships. Mega-cringe.
There is a brief flicker of self-awareness when her hypno-birth coach reiterates the oft-repeated grievance – that Andrea’s behaviour shows she has no regard for the needs of others. Andrea has a brief epiphany of how she’s so good at seeing self-centeredness in others because she is self-centered herself, how her rudeness is related to her fear and vulnerability. I thought for one moment, maybe the author IS going to experience some character growth. Instead, it fizzles. She takes no responsibility for her previous behaviour, her long term friends and family inch back towards her after her birth, and she fills her circle with new mother friends.
The book ends on the “my baby made me better” note, without much exposition to support that outcome aside from the bare-minimum acknowledgement of what an insufferable pain in the ass she’d been until she gave birth and was forced to think of someone else. She shows she did a better job being a friend to Kate while Kate’s mother was dying, than she was to their mutual friend who died slowly and painfully of cancer. Yay for Andrea, being a slightly better person.
I’m glad I finished it because a hair’s breadth of redemption is better than no redemption at all, and it’s frankly more than I expected of Andrea. This ending was a bit of a relief, but that may have been simply because the whining was finally over.
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