The Botox Diaries
A Novel
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Narrated by:
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Ana Gasteyer
About this listen
In a world where plastic surgery is as popular as a pair of sexy Manolo Blahniks, suburban single mom Jessica Taylor is trying to make it past forty with nothing more than moisturizer and a swipe of mascara. Her glamorous best friend, TV producer Lucy Baldor, has a different idea of aging gracefully. “My body is a temple,” Lucy explains. “I just don’t want it to crumble like St. John the Divine.”
Jess and Lucy’s friendship has weathered the trials of marriage, the births of children, and the transition from itty-bitty bikinis to “Kindest Cut” one-piece suits. Now the women are discovering that midlife crises aren’t just for men—they’re equal-opportunity dilemmas.
To Jess’s dismay, Lucy announces that she’s taken a lover. A very famous lover. Her husband, Dan, is bound to find out (especially after a picture of the amorous duo appears on Page Six of the New York Post), but Lucy’s too wrapped up in the joys of expensive lingerie and romantic retreats to care. Jess finds herself in the midst of her own romantic predicament when, after ten years of silence, her sexy French ex-husband, Jacques, ends up back in her life—and in her bed. Whether navigating bake sales, bicoastal affairs, or bagels-and-Botox parties, these wise and witty women know that their friendship will remain the one true thing they can count on. Well, that and a good push-up bra, of course. And their bond withstands everything—from an orgy in Willie Nelson’s trailer to a reality TV-show bachelor named Boulder.
Funny, brazen, and often poignant, this irresistible novel offers an unexpected and entertaining look at two women’s midlife adventures. From Thai massage to tantric sex, who would have thought forty could be so much fun?
©2004 Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger (P)2004 Random House Inc. Random House Audio, a division of Random House, Inc.Listeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“Warning! Reading this book could cause laugh lines! May also lead to sleep deprivation—since once you start, you won’t be able to stop. I loved it.”—LAUREN WEISBERGER, author of The Devil Wears Prada
“Janice Kaplan and Lynn Schnurnberger may have written the Ur Post-Chick-lit novel. The Botox Diaries is a romp that lauds the ‘tender’ virtues we all embrace. Try not to deepen your laugh lines as you follow the adventures of these two lovable grownup girls.”—JACQUELYN MITCHARD, author of The Deep End of the Ocean
“What midlife crisis? The Botox Diaries is the perfect antidote to scalpel scandals and yoga yuppies . . . and far, far more satisfying than a carb-free éclair will ever be.” —KAREN MOLINE, author of Belladonna
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Story
To know the Sweet Potato Queens is to love them, and if you haven't heard about them yet, you will. Their royal ringleader, Jill Conner Browne, introduces the Queens to the world with this sly, hilarious manifesto about love, life, men, and the importance of being prepared. For more wit and wisdom, don't miss The Sweet Potato Queens' Big-Ass Audiobook and Financial Planner.
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Forget the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
- By Linda on 02-04-03
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Queen of Babble
- By: Meg Cabot
- Narrated by: Ilyana Kadushin
- Length: 5 hrs and 41 mins
- Abridged
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Lizzie Nichols has a problem, and it isn't that she doesn't have the slightest idea what she's going to do with her life or that she's blowing what should be her down payment on a cute little Manhattan apartment on a trip to London to visit her long-distance boyfriend, Andrew. But what's the point of planning for the future when she's done it again? See, Lizzie can't keep her mouth shut. And it's not just that she can't keep her own secrets, she can't keep anything to herself.
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Portions of the book are not included in recording
- By Morgan A. Jackson on 04-16-20
By: Meg Cabot
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How to Be a Grown-Up
- By: Emma McLaughlin, Nicola Kraus
- Narrated by: Tara Sands
- Length: 7 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Rory McGovern is entering the prime of her life when her husband loses his dream job and announces he feels like "taking a break". Rory was already spread thin and now, without warning, she is single-parenting two kids, juggling their science projects, flu season, and pajama days, while coming to terms with her disintegrating marriage. Without Blake, her only hope is to accept a full-time position working for two full-time 20-somethings.
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Performance
- By Jill on 02-10-16
By: Emma McLaughlin, and others
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Like a House on Fire
- By: Lauren McBrayer
- Narrated by: Marin Ireland
- Length: 9 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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After 12 years of marriage and two kids, Merit has begun to feel like a stranger in her own life. She loves her husband and sons, but she desperately needs something more than sippy cups and monthly sex. So, she returns to her career at Jager + Brandt, where a brilliant and beautiful Danish architect named Jane decides to overlook the “break” in Merit’s résumé and give her a shot.
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Been there
- By M. Barn on 05-11-22
By: Lauren McBrayer
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The Week Before the Wedding
- By: Beth Kendrick
- Narrated by: Nicole Poole
- Length: 7 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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After enduring a chaotic childhood, Emily McKellips yearns for a drama-free life, complete with a white picket fence. Her dreams are about to come true: She has a stellar career, a gorgeous house, and a fiancé any woman would die for. But as friends and family arrive in picturesque Valentine, Vermont, for her wedding, an uninvited guest shows up. Ryan is Emily's first husband from a disastrous starter marriage. They wed on a whim, only to discover that combustible chemistry couldn't ensure a happily ever after.
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I've forgotten the plot already!
- By Robin on 04-07-15
By: Beth Kendrick
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The Bucket List
- A Novel
- By: Georgia Clark
- Narrated by: Lauren Ezzo
- Length: 13 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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From the author of the critically acclaimed “lively and engrossing parable for women of all generations” (Harper’s Bazaar) The Regulars comes a deeply funny and thoughtful tale of a young woman who, after discovering she has the breast cancer gene, embarks on an unforgettable bucket list adventure. The Bucket List cleverly and compassionately explores Lacey’s relationship to her body and her future. Both are things Lacey thought she could control through hard work and sacrifice. But the future, it turns out, is more complicated than she could ever imagine.
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page turner
- By Amazon Customer on 04-25-19
By: Georgia Clark
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The Actor and the Housewife
- By: Shannon Hale
- Narrated by: Christina Moore
- Length: 14 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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When Becky, a housewife with screenwriting dreams, attracts the interest of Felix, a Hollywood star, the two quickly become friends. Though the sexual tension is obvious, Becky has no intention of cheating on her husband - but would Felix cheat on his wife? As their friendship blossoms, rumors and suspicion threaten to derail their platonic love.
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Thought Provoking
- By sts2000 on 09-14-09
By: Shannon Hale
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Welcome to Paradise
- By: Rosalind James
- Narrated by: Emma Taylor
- Length: 12 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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Mira Walker is hoping that competing on a "living history" reality show will give her what's missing from her real life. Maybe she'll get closer to her boyfriend, who hasn't been all that nice to her lately. Get fired up about her job again. Who knows, she might even win a million dollars. Gabe Kincaid and his brother, Alec, are after that million, too, though. Mira and Scott are no threat at all, not when everybody involved is going to want to kill Scott after the first day. And there's no bond stronger than a twin's. What could possibly go wrong?
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Reality TV Romance Done Well
- By CandCrew on 06-07-15
By: Rosalind James
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Dear Cary
- My Life with Cary Grant
- By: Dyan Cannon
- Narrated by: Dyan Cannon
- Length: 10 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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With unparalleled honesty, Dyan Cannon shares the heartwarming and heartbreaking story of her magical romance and stormy marriage to screen legend Cary Grant.He was the ultimate star, defining Hollywood glamour as well as cinematic achievement. She was a bright new actress, beautiful and funny, who would one day prove her talent by being the first woman to receive Academy Award nominations for her work on-screen and behind the camera. When he asked to meet Dyan, she assumed it was for an acting part, but he had a different role in mind for her....
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A Wasted 10 Hours
- By NANCAN on 10-19-12
By: Dyan Cannon
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Pretty Much Screwed
- By: Jenna McCarthy
- Narrated by: Tanya Eby
- Length: 8 hrs and 8 mins
- Unabridged
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For Charlotte Crawford, the worst part about being dumped after 20 years of marriage is that her husband, Jack, doesn't want another woman; he just doesn't want her. Forty-two and clueless, Charlotte is a fish out of water in a dating pool teeming with losers. Just when she thinks she's finally put her failed marriage behind her, it comes back to bite her in the ass...hard. Without warning, Charlotte finds herself staring down the barrel of a future she wouldn't (she would totally) wish on her worst enemy.
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Meh
- By Miss Bishop on 10-31-16
By: Jenna McCarthy
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Your Perfect Life
- A Novel
- By: Liz Fenton, Lisa Steinke
- Narrated by: Hillary Huber
- Length: 9 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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Best friends, Casey and Rachel couldn't lead more different lives. While workaholic Casey rubs elbows with celebrities daily as the host of Gossip TV and comes home nightly to an empty apartment, stay-at-home mom Rachel juggles a baby, two teenagers, and a husband who barely seems the man she fell in love with two decades before. After an argument at their 20th high school reunion, Casey and Rachel throw back shots to get the night back on track. Instead, they get a life-changing hangover.
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Save your time!
- By Maggie B. on 09-08-15
By: Liz Fenton, and others
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So Close
- By: Emma McLaughlin
- Narrated by: Emily Durante
- Length: 8 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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Amanda Beth Luker has spent her whole life desperately looking for someone who can show her the way out of her trailer park Florida town. And then, finally, help arrives - in the form of Tom Davis, a successful lawyer with political aspirations who grew up just a few towns over from Amanda. But it's his wife, Lindsay, who really captures Amanda's imagination. Strong, smart, and determined, she gives Amanda something she's never had: a role model.
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I've never been so mad at a book before.
- By Stacie on 06-15-16
By: Emma McLaughlin
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Rush
- A Novel
- By: Lisa Patton
- Narrated by: Amanda Ronconi, Bahni Turpin
- Length: 15 hrs and 14 mins
- Unabridged
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Lilith Whitmore appoints recent empty-nester Wilda to the Rush Advisory Board and suggests their daughters, both incoming freshman, room together. It's all part of Lilith's plan to ensure her own daughter receives an Alpha Delt bid - no matter what. Cali Watkins possesses all the qualities sororities are looking for in a potential new member, but her resume lacks a vital ingredient: pedigree. And if anyone discovers the dark family secrets she's hiding, she'll be dropped from rush in an instant.
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WHOA! I loved this book.
- By Carol Johnson on 03-05-19
By: Lisa Patton