Where the River Flows
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Narrated by:
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Rachel Havekost
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By:
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Rachel Havekost
About this listen
Where the River Flows is an honest, heartbreaking poetic account of how my divorce catapulted me down a yearlong obsession to find the answer to the burning question I had every single day after my husband asked me for a divorce:
"Why?"
Was it my inability to show him love like he'd told me? Was it an old attachment wound, still unhealed and bubbling at the surface? Was it the sexual trauma I'd never resolved and carried into our marriage? Was it my very real and frequent urge to end my life?
Or was it him? Was it his lack of understanding for my mental illness? His lost patience for me as I tirelessly worked through old wounds in therapy? Stress from the yearlong motorcycle trip of his dreams that I vowed to go on, and did just after our wedding day?
As I spiraled myself around this question and fell deeper and deeper into a depression, as the binges became more intense and the purges returned for the first time in years, as the urges to die grew stronger and when I curled myself in a ball on the shower floor, banging my fists against my belly like I'd first done 17 years before, I started to believe that what my husband said to me in our last few days together might be true:
"It's like there are three people in our marriage. You, me, and your eating disorder. And sometimes, I think you love her more than me."
If you or someone you know has struggled with an eating disorder, sexual or developmental trauma, depression, anxiety, suicidal thinking, divorce, grief, then it is my hope you will find yourself and your loved ones in this memoir.
You are not alone.
©2021 Rachel Havekost (P)2022 Rachel HavekostListeners also enjoyed...
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Story
At a time when we mourn public figures and national tragedies with hashtags, where intimate posts about loss go viral and we receive automated birthday reminders for dead friends, it's clear we are navigating new terrain without a road map. Let's face it: Most of us have always had a difficult time talking about death and sharing our grief. We're awkward and uncertain; we avoid, ignore, or even deny feelings of sadness; we offer platitudes; we send sympathy bouquets whittled out of fruit.
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Not What I Was Expecting
- By Bessie Mae on 03-01-23
By: Rebecca Soffer, and others
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Can't Forgive
- My 20-Year Battle with O.J. Simpson
- By: Kim Goldman
- Narrated by: Kim Goldman
- Length: 8 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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When Kim Goldman was just 22, her older brother, Ron, was brutally killed by O. J. Simpson. Ron and Kim were very close, and her devastation was compounded by the shocking not guilty verdict that allowed a smirking Simpson to leave as a free man.
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Selfish
- By B. A. C. on 04-08-16
By: Kim Goldman
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The Rise
- An Unforgettable Journey of Self-Love, Forgiveness, and Transformation
- By: Danette May
- Narrated by: Danette May
- Length: 5 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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After the tragic loss of her son and a marriage that ended in divorce and near-bankruptcy, world-renowned health and transformation expert Danette May found her life in shambles. But when her support seemed to come from few and her options seemed the most far between, she began to hear a voice inside her telling her it was time. May never predicted that her journey would take her into a world bikini competition, to a sacred healer in Costa Rica, or through a process of heart-wrenching forgiveness. Yet it was her soul's calling that led her there.
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Vulnerable
- By Priscilla Lopez on 10-29-18
By: Danette May
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Girl in Need of a Tourniquet
- Memoir of a Borderline Personality
- By: Merri Lisa Johnson
- Narrated by: Erin Bennett
- Length: 4 hrs and 53 mins
- Unabridged
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An honest and compelling memoir, Girl in Need of a Tourniquet is Merri Lisa Johnson’s account of her borderline personality disorder and how it has affected her life and relationships. Johnson describes the feeling of "bleeding out" unable to tell where she stopped and where her partner began. A self-confessed "psycho girlfriend," she was influenced by many emotional factors from her past. She recalls her path through a dysfunctional, destructive relationship, while recounting the experiences that brought her to her breaking point.
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Chaotic, disturbing, meaningless
- By BRB on 04-02-14
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Girl, Wash Your Face
- Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be
- By: Rachel Hollis
- Narrated by: Rachel Hollis
- Length: 7 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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As the founder of the lifestyle website TheChicSite.com and CEO of her own media company, Rachel Hollis developed an immense online community by sharing tips for better living while fearlessly revealing the messiness of her own life. Now, in this challenging and inspiring new book, Rachel exposes the 20 lies and misconceptions that too often hold us back from living joyfully and productively.
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More for women who are mothers
- By MeredithNCSU girl on 04-07-18
By: Rachel Hollis
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Peace from Broken Pieces
- How to Get Through What You're Going Through
- By: Iyanla Vanzant
- Narrated by: Iyanla Vanzant
- Length: 11 hrs and 55 mins
- Unabridged
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New York Times best-selling author Iyanla Vanzant recounts the last decade of her life and the spiritual lessons learned—from the price of success during her meteoric rise as a TV celebrity on Oprah, the Iyanla TV show (produced by Barbara Walters), to the dissolution of her marriage and her daughter's 15 months of illness and death on Christmas day.
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Iyanla is Inspirational! A GREAT LISTEN!!!
- By Theresa on 12-04-11
By: Iyanla Vanzant
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Loveable
- Embracing What Is Truest About You, So You Can Truly Embrace Your Life
- By: Kelly Flanagan
- Narrated by: Eric Michael Summerer
- Length: 6 hrs and 39 mins
- Unabridged
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It's time to remember. Dr. Kelly Flanagan is known to millions for the letters he writes to his children and shares on his blog. Loveable is written to the little one in each of us, who is all too ready to be reminded: You are enough, you are not alone, and you matter. In Loveable, Dr. Flanagan reveals the core insight gleaned from his years of clinical work - you are here for a reason, yet you cannot truly awaken to it until you have first embraced your truest, worthiest self and then allow yourself to be truly embraced by others.
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Rediscover YOU!
- By Hmm on 03-25-17
By: Kelly Flanagan
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Jump...and Your Life Will Appear
- An Inch-by-Inch Guide to Making a Major Change
- By: Nancy Levin
- Narrated by: Nancy Levin
- Length: 4 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
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Are you ready to make changes in your life - but feel something is holding you back? Is your soul asking you to take a leap - but you’re too afraid to take it? Are you ready for something new - but aren’t sure where to start? If this sounds like you, this audiobook will give you the courage and faith you need to jump across the threshold from where you are - to where you want to be. Jump...and Your Life Will Appear is a step-by-step guide to clearing the path ahead so you can let go and make the change you need the most.
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Inspiring and motivating!
- By Debra Goro on 08-06-18
By: Nancy Levin
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All of This
- A Memoir of Death and Desire
- By: Rebecca Woolf
- Narrated by: Rebecca Woolf
- Length: 6 hrs and 22 mins
- Unabridged
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After years of struggling in a tumultuous marriage, writer Rebecca Woolf was finally ready to leave her husband. Two weeks after telling him she wanted a divorce, he was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. Four months later, at the age of forty-four, he died. In All of This, Woolf chronicles the months before her husband’s death—and her rebirth after he was gone. With rigorous honesty and incredible awareness, she reflects on the end of her marriage: how her husband’s illness finally gave her the space to make peace with his humanity and her own.
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excellentt!
- By S. DAWN HANSCOM on 11-26-22
By: Rebecca Woolf
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Marrow
- A Love Story
- By: Elizabeth Lesser
- Narrated by: Elizabeth Lesser, Sally Field
- Length: 9 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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A mesmerizing and courageous memoir: the story of two sisters uncovering the depth of their love through the life-and-death experience of a bone marrow transplant. Throughout her life Elizabeth Lesser has sought understanding about what it means to be true to yourself and, at the same time, truly connected to the ones you love. But when her sister, Maggie, needs a bone marrow transplant to save her life, and Lesser learns that she is the perfect match, she faces a far more immediate and complex question about what it really means to love.
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“ Love came first “
- By marie on 03-26-18
By: Elizabeth Lesser
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Not Fade Away
- A Memoir of Senses Lost and Found
- By: Rebecca Alexander, Sascha Alper
- Narrated by: Tavia Gilbert
- Length: 7 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Thirty-four-year-old Rebecca Alexander is a psychotherapist, a spin instructor, a volunteer, and an athlete. She is also almost completely blind, with significantly deteriorated hearing. Not Fade Away is a deeply moving exploration of the obstacles we all face-physical, psychological, and philosophical. Rebecca's story is an exquisite reminder to live each day to its fullest.
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Loved this!
- By Daryl on 11-24-14
By: Rebecca Alexander, and others
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Pride Over Pity
- By: Kailyn Lowry
- Narrated by: Renee Chambliss
- Length: 5 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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Fans of MTV's Teen Mom have watched Kailyn Lowry grow from a vulnerable, pregnant teen into a fiercely independent young mother. Through it all Kailyn has faced challenges with her head held high and her spirit intact. In a moving effort to finally put the past behind her, Kailyn shares her troubled, often painful story and reveals the dark secrets she has so closely guarded.
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Ridiculous
- By Anonymous User on 08-25-18
By: Kailyn Lowry
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Pure
- Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free
- By: Linda Kay Klein
- Narrated by: Linda Kay Klein
- Length: 8 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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In the 1990s, a “purity industry” emerged out of the white evangelical Christian culture. Purity rings, purity pledges, and purity balls came with a dangerous message: girls are potential sexual “stumbling blocks” for boys and men, and any expression of a girl’s sexuality could reflect the corruption of her character. This message traumatized many girls - resulting in anxiety, fear, and experiences that mimicked the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder - and trapped them in a cycle of shame.
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I expected a different ending I suppose
- By Military Dad on 12-12-18
By: Linda Kay Klein
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You Are the One
- A Bold Adventure in Finding Purpose, Discovering the Real You, and Loving Fully
- By: Kute Blackson
- Narrated by: Kute Blackson
- Length: 6 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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Kute Blackson comes from a long line of spiritual leaders and works with people from all walks of life, offering his own uniquely powerful process to transform lives from the inside out. His inspirational and life-changing YouTube videos, seminars, and conferences are known throughout the world, but it's his trademark transformation experiences that sets him apart. Whether it's about forgiveness, confronting inner demons, letting go of self-hatred or the scars of the past, those hard-earned, sweat-proof lessons Blackson instills in his clients are right here.
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dont waste yout time!
- By ashleigh torres on 03-10-20
By: Kute Blackson
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Your Voice in My Head
- A Memoir
- By: Emma Forrest
- Narrated by: Emma Forrest
- Length: 5 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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Emma Forrest, a British journalist, was just 22 and living the fast life in New York City when she realized that her quirks had gone beyond eccentricity. In a cycle of loneliness, damaging relationships, and destructive behavior, she found herself in the chair of a slim, balding, and effortlessly optimistic psychiatrist--a man whose wisdom and humanity would wrench her from the dangerous tide after she tried to end her life.
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Great, quick read
- By Amazon Customer on 02-12-21
By: Emma Forrest
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Finding Your Own North Star
- Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live
- By: Martha Beck
- Narrated by: Karen White
- Length: 14 hrs and 46 mins
- Unabridged
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As the creator of Life Designs, Inc., Martha Beck has helped hundreds of clients find their own North Stars and figure out how to fulfill their potential and create joyful lives through her lectures, seminars, and one-on-one counseling. In this book she shares her step-by-step program that will guide you to fulfill your own potential.
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Narration not for me
- By MARYANN ORDONEZ on 10-02-17
By: Martha Beck
What listeners say about Where the River Flows
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- C. Rausten
- 03-11-23
This book made me feel seen
Equal parts heartbreaking and inspiring, this book has reminded me that you are never alone in your experiences.
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- Candace
- 08-12-22
I only wish I’d read it sooner
I’ve never read anything so cathartic. The writing is beautifully done. Readers can expect honest, raw recollections that feel like you’re hearing from a trusted friend who loves you enough to tell you the real truth rather than a more comfortable or easy version. Although the stories detail a healing journey and the events from which healing is required, there is such a beautifully created space between the words for joy, hope, and perseverance. The real kind. Not platitudes or bs. On a personal note, this book validated visceral pain that I’ve felt like no one else has been able to see in me no matter how hard I try to connect. But it has also empowered me to continue in my efforts to heal and grow by showing me the strength and beauty in the choice to do so. Thank you, Rachel for telling your important story. I will recommend this book over and over again.
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- Amazon Customer
- 08-28-22
Beautifully raw, emotional, and real
Rachel did an amazing job writing and narrating tips book. Her ability to describe emotions and paint clear pictures of her experiences had me feeling so connected to each part of her journey. she communicates in a way that reminds me I'm not alone in my own struggles and triumphs. this book is so beautifully raw and human and I was sad for it to end. I'm left longing for more of Rachel's writing.
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- Christine V.
- 11-18-22
Gutwrenching , Raw, Relatable
So much vulnerability and rawness went into sharing her life with others so that we too might be able to learn something from her healing journey. Worth the read.
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- calijennx
- 12-23-22
Depressing
If I weren’t depressed enough. This book has no hope that I had to stop listening to it.
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