Don't Lick the Minivan
And Other Things I Never Thought I'd Say to My Kids
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Narrated by:
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Trudie Kessler
About this listen
As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia's sin city. But in spite of deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap, Shirtliffe manages to keep her babies alive for a year with help from a Coca-Cola deliveryman, several waitresses, and a bra factory. Then she and her husband return home to the isolation of North American suburbia.
In Don't Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as:
- The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied
- The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan's paint with rocks
- The funeral she officiated for "Stripper Barbie"
- The horror of glitter
- And much more!
A delayed encounter with postpartum depression helps Shirtliffe to realize that even if she can't teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she's a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins' college - eh, therapy - fund. And possibly her own. Crisply written, Don't Lick the Minivan will have parents laughing out loud and nodding in agreement. Shirtliffe's memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.
©2013 Leanne Shirtliffe (P)2013 Audible, Inc.Listeners also enjoyed...
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Editorial reviews
Raising newborn twins in Bangkok wasn't easy, but it was certainly colorful, according to Leanne Shirtliffe's raucously entertaining memoir. From eating deep-fried bugs to entangling with her blunt French hairdresser, Shirtliffe describes parenting abroad with a snappy zest, which is matched by Trudie Kessler, who lends a breezy tone to Shirtliffe's witty observations, ranging from astonishment to self-deprecation. Her examination of post-partum depression interjects a needed dose of poignancy, as does her self-described "sappy" realizations on the joy of motherhood. The locale may be different, but parents will find similarly relatable and hilarious experiences in Don't Lick the Minivan.
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Unfiltered. Unapologetic. Older, but not wiser, Lancaster goes back to basics in this hilarious essay collection about everything from taking community policing classes to accidentally getting high with her waiter after a fancy dinner. These are the tales she'd tell if she met you in a bar... if she weren't too lazy to put on pants and go to a bar. Offering advice ranging from how to remain happily married to a man who refuses to blow his damn nose already to not creating An Incident at the cheese counter during an attempt at Whole30, she's you, only louder.
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self absorbed
- By D D H on 06-15-19
By: Jen Lancaster
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Everything You Ever Wanted
- A Memoir
- By: Jillian Lauren
- Narrated by: Jillian Lauren
- Length: 8 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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In her younger years, Jillian Lauren was a college dropout, a drug addict, and an international concubine in the Prince of Brunei's harem, an experience she immortalized in her best-selling memoir, Some Girls. In her 30s, Jillian's most radical act is learning the steadying power of love when she and her rock star husband adopt an Ethiopian child with special needs.
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Great for adoptive families
- By berry bomb on 07-06-22
By: Jillian Lauren
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May We Be Forgiven
- By: A. M. Homes
- Narrated by: Andy Paris
- Length: 20 hrs and 43 mins
- Unabridged
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May We Be Forgiven, a darkly comic novel of 21st-century domestic life, stars Harold Silver, a historian who's always been jealous of his successful brother, George. But when the hot-tempered George is institutionalized for committing a violent act, Harold finds himself comforting his brother's wife and children. What follows is a scathing examination of a family so fractured it may never be whole again.
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Give this one a try!
- By JWB on 02-13-13
By: A. M. Homes
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No Biking in the House Without a Helmet
- By: Melissa Fay Greene
- Narrated by: Coleen Marlo
- Length: 12 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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When the two-time National Book Award finalist Melissa Fay Greene confided to friends that she and her husband planned to adopt a four-year-old boy from Bulgaria to add to their four children at home, the news threatened to place her, she writes, "among the greats: the Kennedys, the McCaughey septuplets, the von Trapp family singers, and perhaps even Mrs. Feodor Vassilyev, who, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, gave birth to 69 children in eighteenth-century Russia."
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Great story of family changes
- By Peter on 02-14-12
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Instant Mom
- By: Nia Vardalos
- Narrated by: Nia Vardalos
- Length: 7 hrs and 34 mins
- Unabridged
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Some families are created in different ways but are still, in every way, a family. Writer and star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding Nia Vardalos firmly believed she was supposed to be a mom, but Mother Nature and modern medicine had put her in a headlock. So she made a choice that shocked friends, family, and even herself: with only 14 hours' notice, she adopted a preschooler.
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Witty and Heartfelt
- By Beth M. Honeycutt on 07-03-24
By: Nia Vardalos
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My Inappropriate Life
- Some Material Not Suitable for Small Children, Nuns, or Mature Adults
- By: Heather McDonald
- Narrated by: Heather McDonald
- Length: 5 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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In her hilarious New York Times best seller You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again, Heather McDonald recounted her adventures as an unwilling virgin in Hollywood. Now happily married with three wonderful kids, she shows that life as a grown-up - even a pretend grown-up - has its challenges. Heather’s a working mom with parents who live next door, a sister who keeps asking for one of her still-fertile eggs, and friends who are up to more hijinks than even Heather can handle.
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Irritating
- By TrishS on 04-23-13
By: Heather McDonald
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All but Normal
- Life on Victory Road: A Memoir
- By: Shawn Thornton
- Narrated by: Shawn Thornton
- Length: 7 hrs and 14 mins
- Unabridged
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After waking from a coma following a car crash, Beverly Thornton's once sweet and gentle disposition had been replaced by violent mood swings, profanity-laced tirades, and uncontrollable fits of rage. Inside the Thornton house, floors and countertops were piled high with dirty laundry and garbage because Bev was unable to move well enough to clean. Dinners were a Russian roulette of half-cooked meat, spoiled milk, and foods well past their expiration dates.
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Should be in the religous category
- By Shreridan on 10-24-16
By: Shawn Thornton
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I Can Barely Take Care of Myself
- Tales from a Happy Life Without Kids
- By: Jen Kirkman
- Narrated by: Jen Kirkman
- Length: 6 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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"You'll change your mind." That's what everyone says to Jen Kirkman - and countless women like her - when she confesses she doesn't plan to have children. But you know what? It's hard enough to be an adult. You have to dress yourself and pay bills and remember to buy birthday gifts. You have to drive and get annual physicals and tip for good service. Some adults take on the added burden of caring for a tiny human being with no language skills or bladder control.
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Funny. Not fall down laughing funny, but funny
- By david on 05-22-13
By: Jen Kirkman
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Diary of a Stage Mother's Daughter
- By: Melissa Francis
- Narrated by: Cris Dukehart
- Length: 9 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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When Melissa Francis was eight years old, she won the role of lifetime: playing Cassandra Cooper Ingalls, the little girl who was adopted with her brother (played by young Jason Bateman) by the Ingalls family on the world’s most famous prime-time soap opera, Little House on the Prairie. But behind the scenes, her success was fueled by the pride, pressure, and sometimes grinding cruelty of her stage mother.
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Awesome book - really enjoyed it.
- By Jane C. Bailey on 11-16-12
By: Melissa Francis
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Miss Fortune
- Fresh Perspectives on Having It All from Someone Who Is Not Okay
- By: Lauren Weedman
- Narrated by: Lauren Weedman
- Length: 8 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Lauren Weedman is not okay. She's living what should be the good life in sunny Los Angeles. After a gig as a correspondent with The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, she scored parts in blockbuster movies, which led to memorable recurring roles on HBO's Hung and Looking. She had a loving husband and an adorable baby boy. In these comedic essays, she turns a piercingly observant, darkly funny lens on the ways her life is actually not okay.
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Good
- By Ajules29 on 04-02-16
By: Lauren Weedman
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How to Be a Grown-Up
- By: Emma McLaughlin, Nicola Kraus
- Narrated by: Tara Sands
- Length: 7 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Rory McGovern is entering the prime of her life when her husband loses his dream job and announces he feels like "taking a break". Rory was already spread thin and now, without warning, she is single-parenting two kids, juggling their science projects, flu season, and pajama days, while coming to terms with her disintegrating marriage. Without Blake, her only hope is to accept a full-time position working for two full-time 20-somethings.
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Performance
- By Jill on 02-10-16
By: Emma McLaughlin, and others
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The Opposite of Loneliness
- Essays and Stories
- By: Marina Keegan
- Narrated by: Emily Woo Zeller
- Length: 5 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
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Marina Keegan's star was on the rise when she graduated magna cum laude from Yale in May 2012. She had a play that was to be produced at the New York International Fringe Festival and a job waiting for her at the New Yorker. Tragically, five days after graduation, Marina died in a car crash. Even though she was just 22 when she died, Marina left behind a rich, expansive trove of prose that, like her title essay, captures the hope, uncertainty, and possibility of her generation.
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Probably buy the book too.
- By Soupergirl on 09-14-15
By: Marina Keegan
What listeners say about Don't Lick the Minivan
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- ER
- 09-23-22
Unexpectedly a GREAT book!
Found this by accident, not something I would normally choose, but very glad I did. Lots of funny stories and anecdotes... and the reading added to this.
Definitely one I would recommend to anyone, but especially expecting/new parents.
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- LearningForLife
- 12-23-14
Relatable
Any additional comments?
This was a fun, easy listen. I think most parents of young children will be able to find some stories in this book that they can relate to. Nothing in this audio book had me laughing out loud, but it definitely put a smile on my face.
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- L. Altamirano
- 09-27-15
Endearing Story
Thank you for sharing your memories. This is a sweet story sprinkled with humor. I think the reader sounds older than the age of the mother in the story. Voice is trying too hard. Story is cut though.
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- Bailey Rose
- 01-05-23
Some humor but not LoL
Leanne and her husband, Chris, are teachers and he is all a librarian. They have twins, Vivian and William. While the stories of parenting twins have some humor to them they did not make me laugh out loud or even giggle most of the way through the book. I did find some of the stories (such as the church scenes and all I can say is “out of the mouths of babes”) funny. The parents work hard and do what they can to get through as we all do while parenting. They are able to get some help (such as help cleaning 5 hours a month as stated in the book) but I didn’t get the sense that they were “rolling in money”as other reviewers would write. The book was just OK for me nothing what I was expecting or needed.
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- Zachary Martin
- 11-25-22
Must Read for Parents
A wonderful journal that reminds you not to take parenting too seriously. Definitely worth the listen!
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- Barb Freman
- 10-16-13
Poor narration
Where does Don't Lick the Minivan rank among all the audiobooks you’ve listened to so far?
middle, not the best, not the worst book I have listened to.
How did the narrator detract from the book?
poor recitation, flat, no emotion, choppy, with pauses where there should not be any. Poor narration distracts from the humor that the author wishes to portray
Any additional comments?
This was a poor listen, not because of the content, rather the poor naration .
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1 person found this helpful
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- Glenn Tavenner
- 08-05-22
Almost peed myself
One of the best comedy books I have ever listen to I've already listened to it I think twice and I plan on listening to it again fantastic
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- Paige S
- 08-19-23
Real Doesn’t Mean Perfect
As a mom of six, I know that there’s no such thing as perfect parenting. They don’t hand out instructions when you give birth; we all have to do our best and love our kids no matter what (even if we don’t always seem to like them sometimes, but really it’s their actions we don’t like.)
There’s a sense in validation in hear the stories of other parents who have their own tales of dysfunction and if you can laugh together and think or say, “Yep, been there, done that” all the better.
If you’re not a perfect parent of perfect children, this book is for you. Don’t be afraid to show your own real. Enjoy!
Thank you Leanne for showing us your real.
*your real, not you’re real
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- Tobi
- 02-03-14
Hilarious!
What made the experience of listening to Don't Lick the Minivan the most enjoyable?
I listen to audible books at bedtime as I'm falling asleep. It made me laugh so much, that I had to stop listening to it a number of times, just so that I could fall asleep. I just wanted to keep listening and laughing, but it kept me awake.
Who was your favorite character and why?
N/A
What about Trudie Kessler’s performance did you like?
GREAT intonation in her voice!
Was this a book you wanted to listen to all in one sitting?
I wanted to, but didn't have time.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Jana W.
- 10-16-23
Really enjoyed this!
I found this book to be well written and enjoyed the readers voice. I could relate to much of this as a mom and cracked up at parts. Very easy listen, very enjoyable.
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