If You Were Here
A Novel
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Narrated by:
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Jamie Heinlein
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By:
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Jen Lancaster
About this listen
The fiction debut of the New York Times best-selling author of My Fair Lazy. Told in the uproariously entertaining voice readers have come to expect from Jen Lancaster, If You Were Here follows Amish-zombie-teen- romance author Mia and her husband Mac (and their pets) through the alternately frustrating, exciting, terrifying - but always funny - process of buying and renovating their first home in the Chicago suburbs that John Hughes's movies made famous.
Along their harrowing renovation journey, Mia and Mac get caught up in various wars with the homeowners' association, meet some less-than-friendly neighbors, and are joined by a hilarious cast of supporting characters, including a celebutard ex- landlady. As they struggle to adapt to their new surroundings - with Mac taking on the renovations himself - Mia and Mac will discover if their marriage is strong enough to survive months of DIY renovations.
©2011 Jen Lancaster (P)2011 PenguinListeners also enjoyed...
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Overall
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Performance
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Readers and listeners have followed Jen Lancaster through job loss, sucky city living, weight loss attempts, and 1980s nostalgia. Now Jen chronicles her efforts to achieve cultural enlightenment, with some hilarious missteps and genuine moments of inspiration along the way. And she does so by any means necessary: reading canonical literature, viewing classic films, attending the opera, researching artisan cheeses, and even enrolling in etiquette classes to improve her social graces.
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Disappointing ... Both Narration and Story
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To whom the fat rolls...I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting; they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter.
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How fast can charity fundraiser CeCe Barclay’s unimpeachable society life come tumbling down? One minute she’s speaking before Chicago’s glitterati. The next, her financier husband is wanted for embezzlement. Her assets seized and her fall mortifyingly public, CeCe grasps for refuge—and employment—as a sorority housemom at Eli Whitney University, her daughter Hayden’s alma mater.
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Flipping phenomenal!!
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Actuary Penny Sinclair has a head for business, and she always makes rational decisions. Knowing that 60 percent of spouses cheat and 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, she wasn't too surprised when her husband had an affair. (That he did so with a woman their daughter's age? Well, that part did sting a bit.) She just made sure she got everything in the divorce, including their lovely old Victorian house. And as soon as her younger daughter has her hipster-fabulous wedding in the backyard, she's trading it in for a condo in downtown Chicago....
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Narrator is bland, slow. Story is good.
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My Fair Lazy
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- Narrated by: Jamie Heinlein
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Readers and listeners have followed Jen Lancaster through job loss, sucky city living, weight loss attempts, and 1980s nostalgia. Now Jen chronicles her efforts to achieve cultural enlightenment, with some hilarious missteps and genuine moments of inspiration along the way. And she does so by any means necessary: reading canonical literature, viewing classic films, attending the opera, researching artisan cheeses, and even enrolling in etiquette classes to improve her social graces.
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Disappointing ... Both Narration and Story
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By: Jen Lancaster
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Such a Pretty Fat
- One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e Is Not the Answer
- By: Jen Lancaster
- Narrated by: Jamie Heinlein
- Length: 8 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
To whom the fat rolls...I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting; they make me want to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter.
-
-
Hilarious Commentary on Weight Loss!
- By Sara on 09-21-09
By: Jen Lancaster
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Stories I'd Tell in Bars
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- Narrated by: Jen Lancaster, John Fletcher
- Length: 8 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Unfiltered. Unapologetic. Older, but not wiser, Lancaster goes back to basics in this hilarious essay collection about everything from taking community policing classes to accidentally getting high with her waiter after a fancy dinner. These are the tales she'd tell if she met you in a bar... if she weren't too lazy to put on pants and go to a bar. Offering advice ranging from how to remain happily married to a man who refuses to blow his damn nose already to not creating An Incident at the cheese counter during an attempt at Whole30, she's you, only louder.
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self absorbed
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By: Jen Lancaster
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By: Jen Lancaster
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- Unabridged
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Flipping phenomenal!!
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Overall
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Performance
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Narrator is bland, slow. Story is good.
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By: Jen Lancaster
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Bridesmaids meets Big Little Lies in a novel told from the alternating perspectives of two women who define the term frenemies - from New York Times best-selling author Jen Lancaster. Jacqueline Jordan knows conflict. A fearless journalist, she’s spent the past decade embedded in the world’s hot spots, writing about the fall of nations and the rise of despots. But if you were to inquire about who topped Jack’s enemy list, she’d not hesitate to answer: Kitty Carricoe.
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Unexpected pleasure with engaging dialgoue
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Jeneration X
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In Such a Pretty Fat, Jen Lancaster learned how to come to terms with her body. In My Fair Lazy, she expanded her mind. Now, the New York Times best-selling author gives herself - and her generation - a kick in the X, by facing her greatest challenge to date: acting her age. Jen is finally ready to put away childish things (except her Barbie Styling Head, of course) and embrace the investment-making, mortgage-carrying, life insurance-having adult she's become.
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Super Jen Lancaster Fans Be Warned...
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Jen Lancaster is here to take a hard look at our elevating anxieties, and with self-deprecating wit and levelheaded wisdom, she charts a path out of the quagmire that keeps us frightened of the future and ashamed of our imperfectly perfect human lives. Take a deep breath, and her advice, and you just might get through a holiday dinner without wanting to disown your uncle.
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Not relatable
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The Tao of Martha
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One would think that with Jen Lancaster’s impressive list of bestselling self-improvement memoirs that she would have it all together by now. One would be wrong. Jen’s still a little rough around the edges. Suffice it to say, she’s no Martha Stewart. And that is exactly why Jen is going to Martha up and live her life according to the advice of America’s overachieving older sister - the woman who turns lemons into lavender-infused lemonade.
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Not as light as previous books, still witty
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Performance
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New York Times best-selling author Jen Lancaster has lived a life based on re-invention and self-improvement. From Bitter Is the New Black to The Tao of Martha, she’s managed to document her (and her generation’s) attempts to shape up, grow up, and have it all - sometimes with disastrous results...Mistakes are one thing; regrets are another. After a girls’ weekend in Savannah makes her realize that she is - yikes! - middle-aged (binge watching is so the new binge drinking), Jen decides to make a bucket list and seize the day.
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The Smug Is Strong With This One
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The Burnout
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Sasha has had it. She cannot bring herself to respond to another inane, “urgent” email or participate in the corporate employee joyfulness program. She hasn’t seen her friends in months. Sex? Seems like a lot of effort. Even cooking dinner takes far too much planning. Sasha has hit a wall. Armed with good intentions to drink kale smoothies, try yoga, and find peace, she heads to the seaside resort she loved as a child. But it’s the off season, the hotel is in a dilapidated shambles, and she has to share the beach with the only other occupant: a grumpy guy named Finn.
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Classic Kinsella story
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Since his first performance at the legendary New York nightclub “Catch a Rising Star” as a 21-year-old college student in fall of 1975, Jerry Seinfeld has written his own material and saved everything. “Whenever I came up with a funny bit, whether it happened on a stage, in a conversation, or working it out on my preferred canvas, the big yellow legal pad, I kept it in one of those old school accordion folders,” Seinfeld writes. “So I have everything I thought was worth saving from 45 years of hacking away at this for all I was worth.”
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Joke, joke, joke. Boring, boring, boring.
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Laurie Notaro has proved everyone wrong: she didn’t end up in rehab, prison, or cremated at a tender age. She just went gray. At past fifty, every hair’s root is a symbol of knowledge (she knows how to use a landline), experience (she rode in a car with no seat belts), and superpowers (a gray-haired lady can get away with anything). Though navigating midlife is initially upsetting—the cracking noises coming from her new old body, receiving regular junk mail from mortuaries—Laurie accepts it. And then some.
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Meh. Maybe funnier with a different narrator
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The historic hotel in Boonsboro has endured war and peace, the changing of hands, and even rumored hauntings. Now it’s getting a major face-lift from the Montgomery brothers and their eccentric mother. As the architect in the family, Beckett’s social life consists mostly of talking shop over pizza and beer. But there’s another project he’s got his eye on: the girl he’s been waiting to kiss since he was sixteen.
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You need to Set your MP3 Playback to FASTER!
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Tribute
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Should be identified as a Young Adult novel
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Fun Read
- By Ally Boyd on 02-07-20
By: Fern Michaels
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How to Be a Grown-Up
- By: Emma McLaughlin, Nicola Kraus
- Narrated by: Tara Sands
- Length: 7 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Rory McGovern is entering the prime of her life when her husband loses his dream job and announces he feels like "taking a break". Rory was already spread thin and now, without warning, she is single-parenting two kids, juggling their science projects, flu season, and pajama days, while coming to terms with her disintegrating marriage. Without Blake, her only hope is to accept a full-time position working for two full-time 20-somethings.
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Performance
- By Jill on 02-10-16
By: Emma McLaughlin, and others
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The Daisy Children
- A Novel
- By: Sofia Grant
- Narrated by: Teri Schnaubelt
- Length: 10 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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When Katie Garrett gets the news that she’s received an inheritance from the grandmother she hardly knew, it couldn’t have come at a better time. She flees Boston and travels to rural Texas. There, she’s greeted by her distant cousin Scarlett. Friendly and flamboyant, Scarlett couldn’t be more different from sensible Katie. And as they begin the task of sorting through their grandmother’s possessions, they discover letters and photographs that uncover the hidden truths about their shared history, and the long-forgotten tragedy of the New London school explosion of 1937 that binds them.
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a little odd to me
- By G-Mom on 11-09-24
By: Sofia Grant
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Get Lucky
- By: Katherine Center
- Narrated by: Morgan Hallett
- Length: 8 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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Filled with wit and heart, Get Lucky by Katherine Center explores the deep bonds of sisterhood. Sarah Harper’s whole world revolved around her job at a New York advertising agency before an email snafu got her fired. Now she’s seeking refuge at her sister Mackie’s home in Houston. But Mackie, who’s unable to get pregnant, is also down-and-out these days. So Sarah decides to do something good and becomes a surrogate mother.
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Finding what matters most in life
- By bizymom7 on 10-12-24
By: Katherine Center
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The Dead Cat Bounce
- By: Sarah Graves
- Narrated by: Lindsay Ellison
- Length: 10 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
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Since she bought her rambling fixer-upper of a house, Jacobia Tiptree has gotten used to finding things broken. But her latest problem isn't so easily repaired. Along with the rotting floor joists and sagging support beams, there's the little matter of the dead man in Jake's storeroom, an ice pick planted firmly in his cranium. Jake's unknown guest turns out to be local boy turned billionaire Threnody McIlwaine.
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too slow of a story...
- By Annette on 03-13-18
By: Sarah Graves
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Hissy Fit
- By: Mary Kay Andrews
- Narrated by: Isabel Keating
- Length: 5 hrs and 33 mins
- Abridged
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Keeley Murdock's wedding to A.J. Jernigan should have been the social event of the season. But when she catches her fiance doing the deed with her maid of honor at the country club rehearsal dinner, all bets are off. And so is the wedding. Keeley pitches the hissy fit of the century, earning herself instant notoriety in the small town of Madison, Georgia.
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Good story, but a Southern narrator is better
- By Taunya on 05-20-05
By: Mary Kay Andrews
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Diary of a Stage Mother's Daughter
- By: Melissa Francis
- Narrated by: Cris Dukehart
- Length: 9 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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When Melissa Francis was eight years old, she won the role of lifetime: playing Cassandra Cooper Ingalls, the little girl who was adopted with her brother (played by young Jason Bateman) by the Ingalls family on the world’s most famous prime-time soap opera, Little House on the Prairie. But behind the scenes, her success was fueled by the pride, pressure, and sometimes grinding cruelty of her stage mother.
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Awesome book - really enjoyed it.
- By Jane C. Bailey on 11-16-12
By: Melissa Francis
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Coming Home
- Chesapeake Diaries Series #1
- By: Mariah Stewart
- Narrated by: Xe Sands
- Length: 8 hrs and 50 mins
- Unabridged
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In the wake of his wife's murder, agent Grady Shields turned his back on the FBI - and everything else-to retreat into the vast solitude of Montana, grieve for his lost love, and forget the world. But after years in seclusion, his sister's wedding draws him to St. Dennis, a peaceful town on the Chesapeake Bay. Though he swears he isn't interested in finding love again, Grady can't ignore the mutual sparks that fly when he meets Vanessa Keaton.
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Graet New Series from Audible
- By casey on 08-25-12
By: Mariah Stewart
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What Doesn't Kill You
- By: Virginia DeBerry, Donna Grant
- Narrated by: Virginia DeBerry, Donna Grant
- Length: 10 hrs and 23 mins
- Unabridged
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What Doesn't Kill You is the story of how Thomasina Hodges, a.k.a. Tee, loses her job and finds herself. Tee's evolution after her sudden and unexpected outplacement, is loosely based on the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, relinquishing, readjusting, and reinvesting. For Tee, losing her job is like a death, but with time, and some bumps, bruises and a new attitude, she comes out on the other side, having reassessed what's important in her life.
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Excellent story
- By Doris Greene on 04-11-24
By: Virginia DeBerry, and others
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Inheriting Edith
- A Novel
- By: Zoe Fishman
- Narrated by: Cassandra Campbell
- Length: 8 hrs and 22 mins
- Unabridged
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For years Maggie Sheets has been an invisible hand in the glittering homes of wealthy New York City clients, scrubbing, dusting, mopping, and doing all she can to keep her head above water as a single mother. Everything changes when a former employer dies, leaving Maggie a staggering inheritance - a house in Sag Harbor. The catch? It comes with an inhabitant: the deceased's 82-year old mother, Edith.
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Narrator is distracting.
- By Onelove on 05-13-20
By: Zoe Fishman
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Property
- Stories Between Two Novellas
- By: Lionel Shriver
- Narrated by: Lionel Shriver
- Length: 14 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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A striking new collection of ten short stories and two novellas that explores the idea of property in every meaning of the word, from the acclaimed New York Times best-selling author of the National Book Award finalist So Much for That and the international best seller We Need to Talk About Kevin.
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Painful and drawn out
- By JR on 06-27-18
By: Lionel Shriver
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The Good Luck Girls of Shipwreck Lane
- By: Kelly Harms
- Narrated by: Reay Kaplan, Suehyla El-Attar
- Length: 10 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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When their lives and personalities intersect, however, they discover that more than just a million-dollar dream home awaits them at the water’s edge. These three women (oh yes, Aunt Midge comes along for the ride!) arrive at their newfound mansion only to uncover what exactly it means to truly be "home." Filled with wit and charm, The Good Luck Girls of Shipwreck Lane is Kelly Harms's enchanting and heartfelt debut - a testament to the many, many ways love finds us, the power of a home-cooked meal, and just what it means to be lucky.
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good plot but the swearing was too much for me
- By Arianne on 02-13-20
By: Kelly Harms
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Decked
- Regan Reilly Mystery Series, Book 1
- By: Carol Higgins Clark
- Narrated by: Mary Higgins Clark
- Length: 3 hrs and 1 min
- Abridged
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When Athena disappeared from St. Polycarp's College at Oxford, her friends assumed she had run away - to hide from her overbearing, wealthy Greek family, or even to marry some unacceptable young man. To their shock, they find out at their 10-year reunion that her body has been discovered in an excavation. Private investigator Regan Reilly, Athena's former college roommate, is determined to track down her friend's killer.
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No disrespect intended
- By Linda on 09-21-09
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Flipping phenomenal!!
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Not relatable
- By shelly on 11-03-20
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Not relatable
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What listeners say about If You Were Here
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Kelly
- 04-16-12
How is this different from her memoirs?
I really love Jen Lancaster's funny, acerbic memoirs and I was so hoping that her first foray into fiction was going to be just as great. But it reads exactly like one of her memoirs, even down to the footnotes. Let's be real - Mia is Jen, Mac is Fletch, Daisy is Maisy, and her best friend Tracey is Stacey. Even the narrator is exactly the same and sounds just like she does when reading "Bitter is the New Black". I wish Jen had tried to write this in another style. It works really well for memoirs but doesn't translate as well to fiction. Like everything else she's written, it was punchy, fast-paced, and very funny. But I still can't help feeling disappointed.
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2 people found this helpful
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- Barbara
- 02-20-12
Just what I expected
If you could sum up If You Were Here in three words, what would they be?
What I expected
What was one of the most memorable moments of If You Were Here?
When the Japenese business men walked in on her in the bath.
Have you listened to any of Jamie Heinlein’s other performances before? How does this one compare?
Can't recall
Any additional comments?
I love Jen Lancaster's attitude and this story is pure Jen.
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- Abby B
- 04-14-16
Ok book by Lancaster, love her memoirs more
I didn't mind the store. Much like her memoirs. But this woman's voice bothered me more than anything. Need a different reader and I might have enjoyed a bit more.
For some reason her "argh" really bothered me. (Trust me there's plenty of them in this book.)
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- Amanda
- 06-18-12
Great listen, perfect for road trip
I was looking for a book that my mother and I could listen to on a road trip. Although we both enjoy audiobooks, we like very different genres. I read the description and thought it sounded like something we both might like. I was right.
The narration is good, she doesn't change her voice too much, especially between the women, but it really didn't both either of us. Most of all, we both laughed out lou several times, it is very funny. She isn't shy to curse, though, so if hearing the F word bothers you, this book probably isn't for you.
I recommend this book to anyone that enjoyed the movie Money Pit and any John Hughes film. We loved it, especially the ending, was really great.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Sarah
- 07-03-12
If You Love Jen Lancaster You Will Love Mia!
What did you like best about this story?
I love Jen Lancaster's other books (all nonfiction) her first trip into the fiction genre is awesome! Fiction gave her freedom to fully submit herself and you to the fantasy of your dream house while allowing for bumps and turns in the road to keep you tuned in. While listing to this my boyfriend was happy because i was so into it that he got to play video games because i could not take the ear buds out lol! I hoped you found this helpful and enjoy your listening :D
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1 person found this helpful
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- Carolyn
- 10-28-11
A Jen Lancaster disappointment
I'm a Jen Lancaster fan and I have to say, this book is most unlike her. It's a boring tale of home improvements. It's like listening to a narration of a hundred episodes off HGTV. I'm about 6 hours into it and I've found myself turning it off several times because it was just too difficult to listen to. Actually, that would be an understatement. I have turned it off because it was downright annoying. I've yet to discover the storyline or a plot. If you like to listen about home redecorating and home remodel ad nauseum, this is your book. Otherwise, save your money and your sanity and just find another book :(
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3 people found this helpful
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- Colleen
- 06-18-14
Could not finish it
What would have made If You Were Here better?
This book could have used less sarcasm and less condescension. Try as I might, I could not find one character to care about.
What was most disappointing about Jen Lancaster’s story?
Most of all, the book felt mean-spirited.
What reaction did this book spark in you? Anger, sadness, disappointment?
As I listened to the book, I just kept getting more and more depressed and dispirited.
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