Bedtime Stories for Cynics
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About this listen
Are the kids asleep? Yes? Good. This one isn’t for them. Now, if your weary, grown-up mind has been searching for a snarkier alternative to your favorite childhood tales, this Audible Original, hosted by Nick Offerman (Parks & Recreation), will scratch that itch - and then some. Enjoy a hilarious collection of short stories, featuring performances from the likes of Tommy Chong (Cheech & Chong), Tony Hale (Veep), Patton Oswalt (The Goldbergs), and David Spade (Saturday Night Live).
Contains explicit content.
©2019 Audible Originals, LLC (P)2019 Audible Originals, LLC.Listeners also enjoyed...
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Jenna Jones, former It-girl fashion editor, is broke and desperate for a second chance. When she’s dumped by her longtime fiancé and fired from Darling magazine, she begs for a job from her old arch nemesis, Darcy Vale. The beyond-bitchy publisher of StyleZine.com, Darcy agrees to hire her rival - only because her fashion site needs a jolt from Jenna’s old school cred. But Jenna soon realizes she’s in over her head.
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A-FREAKING-MAZING!!!
- By Bernadette on 05-30-21
By: Tia Williams
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American Psycho
- By: Bret Easton Ellis
- Narrated by: Pablo Schreiber
- Length: 16 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Patrick Bateman moves among the young and trendy in 1980s Manhattan. Young, handsome, and well educated, Bateman earns his fortune on Wall Street by day while spending his nights in ways we cannot begin to fathom. Expressing his true self through torture and murder, Bateman prefigures an apocalyptic horror that no society could bear to confront.
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Fanntastic book but maybe not for everyone....
- By So Fain on 03-27-11
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CRAY
- By: Darrell Hammond, Elizabeth Stein
- Narrated by: Darrell Hammond
- Length: 1 hr and 10 mins
- Original Recording
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He is one of the longest-running cast members on Saturday Night Live, an American comedy genius renowned for his spot-on sendups of politicians and celebrities. But off-stage, Darrell Hammond’s life was anything but a joke. In CRAY, a special audio performance captured live onstage at Audible’s Minetta Lane Theatre, Hammond brings to life his acclaimed memoir, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked: Tales of Stand-Up, Saturday Night Live and Other Mind-Altering Mayhem.
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Thanks for sharing
- By Nickisnotgary on 09-06-24
By: Darrell Hammond, and others
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Breakfast of Champions
- By: Kurt Vonnegut
- Narrated by: John Malkovich
- Length: 6 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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Breakfast of Champions (1973) provides frantic, scattershot satire and a collage of Vonnegut's obsessions. His recurring cast of characters and American landscape was perhaps the most controversial of his canon; it was felt by many at the time to be a disappointing successor to Slaughterhouse-Five, which had made Vonnegut's literary reputation.
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Kurt Was Right to Grade This a C
- By Dubi on 01-10-16
By: Kurt Vonnegut
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Heads Will Roll
- By: Kate McKinnon, Emily Lynne
- Narrated by: Kate McKinnon, Emily Lynne, Tim Gunn, and others
- Length: 4 hrs and 6 mins
- Original Recording
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Heads Will Roll is an Audible Original from Saturday Night Live star Kate McKinnon and her cocreator/costar (and real-life sister) Emily Lynne. Produced by Broadway Video, this is not an audiobook - it’s a 10-episode, star-studded audio comedy that features performances from Meryl Streep, Tim Gunn, Peter Dinklage, Queer Eye’s Fab Five, and so many more. Please note: This content is not for kids.
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More like this please
- By Anon893 on 05-03-19
By: Kate McKinnon, and others
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Napoleon's Hemorrhoids…And Other Small Events That Changed History
- By: Phil Mason
- Narrated by: LJ Ganser
- Length: 8 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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Hilarious, fascinating, and a roller coaster of dizzying, historical what-ifs, Napoleon's Hemorrhoids is a potpourri for serious historians and casual history buffs. In one of Phil Mason's many revelations, you'll learn that Communist jets were two minutes away from opening fire on American planes during the Cuban missile crisis, when they had to turn back as they were running out of fuel. You'll discover that before the Battle of Waterloo, Napoleon's painful hemorrhoids prevented him from mounting his horse to survey the battlefield.
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They just throw the facts too fast
- By Concerned_llama on 12-11-20
By: Phil Mason
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Mark Twain, beloved American writer, performer, and humorist, was a self-proclaimed glutton. With the help of a chef and some friends, Nick Offerman presents the story of Twain’s life through the lens of eight of Mark Twain’s favorite foods.
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Audible Recycling
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Outstanding
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Samantha is a professional seductress and con artist with a heart of gold. If she talked about her work, she’d tell you she only pilfers organs for medical research and that she only takes one kidney, and she only steals those kidneys from dishonest people. It’s hell on her social life. Abe is the doctor and Sam's partner in crime. He isn’t much of a criminal. Except for the kidney stealing. But he’s using that money to fund his research that he anticipates will be able to cure diabetes. So, all for a good cause...? You decide. Of course, it's hell on his social life.
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Dumb and funny
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Heads Will Roll
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Heads Will Roll is an Audible Original from Saturday Night Live star Kate McKinnon and her cocreator/costar (and real-life sister) Emily Lynne. Produced by Broadway Video, this is not an audiobook - it’s a 10-episode, star-studded audio comedy that features performances from Meryl Streep, Tim Gunn, Peter Dinklage, Queer Eye’s Fab Five, and so many more. Please note: This content is not for kids.
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More like this please
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By: Kate McKinnon, and others
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Fantastical Bedtime Stories for Stressed Out Adults
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Escape reality and enter a blissful journey through mystical realms where magic and fantasy gently intertwine. Discover a world where imagination knows no bounds, and float effortlessly through lands of wonder, serenity, and peaceful dreams. Bid farewell to stress, anxiety, and sleepless nights as you immerse yourself in this tranquil collection of 60 bedtime tales. Each story is carefully crafted to lull you into a state of serene sleep, blissful relief, and tranquility, making it the perfect companion for a restful night.
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I am now able to sleep at night!
- By Tea0921 on 11-22-23
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Billy Kelly: This Is a Family Show!
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Billy Kelly's This Is a Family Show! is a stand-up comedy experience (with music) that parents and kids can enjoy together. From jokes about nocturnal animals and microwaves to Ben Franklin and people throwing turtles, the whole family will laugh along while listening to this comedian’s unique perspectives. It’s comedy toast with the crust cut off. Who needs all that crusty talk about dating, politics, and money, anyway?
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Definite must-hear!
- By Jacqueline on 03-06-20
By: Billy Kelly
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Twain’s Feast
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Mark Twain, beloved American writer, performer, and humorist, was a self-proclaimed glutton. With the help of a chef and some friends, Nick Offerman presents the story of Twain’s life through the lens of eight of Mark Twain’s favorite foods.
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Audible Recycling
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Bedtime Stories for Stressed Out Adults
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No longer do you need to toss and turn for hours going through endless bouts of overthinking and anxiety. Instead, you now have these self-hypnosis scripts and guided meditations you can listen to every single night before sleep or to help you sleep. We recommend using the self-hypnosis before sleep, to help rewire your brain and change your behaviors around sleep and bedtime.
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Outstanding
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By: Destiny Johnson
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Cut and Run
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Samantha is a professional seductress and con artist with a heart of gold. If she talked about her work, she’d tell you she only pilfers organs for medical research and that she only takes one kidney, and she only steals those kidneys from dishonest people. It’s hell on her social life. Abe is the doctor and Sam's partner in crime. He isn’t much of a criminal. Except for the kidney stealing. But he’s using that money to fund his research that he anticipates will be able to cure diabetes. So, all for a good cause...? You decide. Of course, it's hell on his social life.
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Dumb and funny
- By R. MCRACKAN on 02-01-20
By: Ben Acker, and others
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Heads Will Roll is an Audible Original from Saturday Night Live star Kate McKinnon and her cocreator/costar (and real-life sister) Emily Lynne. Produced by Broadway Video, this is not an audiobook - it’s a 10-episode, star-studded audio comedy that features performances from Meryl Streep, Tim Gunn, Peter Dinklage, Queer Eye’s Fab Five, and so many more. Please note: This content is not for kids.
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More like this please
- By Anon893 on 05-03-19
By: Kate McKinnon, and others
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Fantastical Bedtime Stories for Stressed Out Adults
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- Narrated by: Lil J. Bush
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Escape reality and enter a blissful journey through mystical realms where magic and fantasy gently intertwine. Discover a world where imagination knows no bounds, and float effortlessly through lands of wonder, serenity, and peaceful dreams. Bid farewell to stress, anxiety, and sleepless nights as you immerse yourself in this tranquil collection of 60 bedtime tales. Each story is carefully crafted to lull you into a state of serene sleep, blissful relief, and tranquility, making it the perfect companion for a restful night.
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I am now able to sleep at night!
- By Tea0921 on 11-22-23
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Billy Kelly: This Is a Family Show!
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Definite must-hear!
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Escape from Virtual Island
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In the year 2038, there’s only one destination that can play host to the world’s wealthiest adventure seekers: the Pengalaman Island Resort and Virtual Reality Theme Park. Located on a private South Pacific island, guests here live out their wildest fantasies in custom-made virtual reality simulations while also enjoying the usual amenities of an exclusive five-star getaway. All is relatively breezy until famed billionaire and avid guest, Mr. Wagner, goes missing within a virtual simulation. His only hope? A daring rescue led by Derek Ambrose and his ragtag search party.
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Story is a Bit Stupid
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George Carlin Reads to You
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If one George Carlin audio is funny, then two are funnier and three must be funniest, right? That's our thinking behind this new collection. t's a HighBridge library of laugh-out-loud, award-winning recordings featuring George himself performing many of his best bits.
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Like a Cast of Thousands
- By Rick on 07-16-12
By: George Carlin
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If This Isn't Nice, What Is?
- Advice for the Young
- By: Kurt Vonnegut
- Narrated by: Kevin T. Collins, Scott Brick
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- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Master storyteller and satirist Kurt Vonnegut was one of the most in-demand commencement speakers of his time. For each occasion, Vonnegut’s words were unfailingly unique, insightful, and witty, and they stayed with audience members long after graduation. As edited by Dan Wakefield, this book reads like a narrative in the unique voice that made Vonnegut a hero to readers and listeners of all ages. At times hilarious, razor-sharp, freewheeling, and deeply serious, these reflections are ideal for anyone undergoing what Vonnegut would call their "long-delayed puberty ceremony".
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Life advice from the ultimate cynic
- By Wayne on 12-05-18
By: Kurt Vonnegut
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The Great Indoors
- By: Ginny Hogan
- Narrated by: Mae Whitman
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Alice's journey begins as all good journeys do: hitting on the sales guy at REI. After a tumultuous breakup, a quick career transition, family upheaval, and a sobriety journey that didn't fix her life quite as much as she expected it to, Alice decides that the only way to solve all her problems is to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. But as she begins preparing for the months-long quest, she realizes the answers she's seeking might not be on top of a snow-covered mountain. Especially since she just learned there was snow in California.
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Chuck full of laughs to lift anyone's spirits.
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By: Ginny Hogan
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The Zeta Family
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Story
Set on a large ranch in rural upstate New York, it’s early days for the eccentric group of people who call themselves "The Zeta Family" - quite possibly the next big cult phenomenon. Our protagonist, Katie, is an aspiring reporter who has decided to infiltrate the compound, and her future success as a journalist depends entirely on her ability to win the confidence of Zeta Doug, the likable spiritual leader of the group. He’s like a cross between Hunter S. Thompson and George R. R. Martin, with a little too much sci-fi in his head and acid in his blood stream.
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Really enjoyable
- By [Redacted] on 01-18-20
By: Gretchen Enders
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Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come
- One Introvert's Year of Saying Yes
- By: Jessica Pan
- Narrated by: Jessica Pan
- Length: 8 hrs and 52 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
What would happen if a shy introvert lived like a gregarious extrovert for one year? If she knowingly and willingly put herself in perilous social situations that she’d normally avoid at all costs? Writer Jessica Pan intends to find out. With the help of various extrovert mentors, Jessica sets up a series of personal challenges (talk to strangers, perform stand-up comedy, host a dinner party, travel alone, make friends on the road, and much, much worse) to explore whether living like an extrovert can teach her lessons that might improve the quality of her life.
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Encouraging memoir: Sorry, cheer
- By Aaron Menz on 07-03-23
By: Jessica Pan
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Sleep Island
- By: Bram Barouh
- Narrated by: Bram Barouh
- Length: 14 mins
- Original Recording
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In this relaxing meditation, Bram Barouh gently steers your imagination to a quiet beach where you can picture yourself swaying on a hammock, far away from any of the things that normally keep you awake. Bram, a mindfulness educator, has a lighthearted nature and approachable wisdom that makes practicing meditation seem effortless. With his guidance, it’s never been easier to take part in a moment of positive thinking.
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So boring you'll fall right asleep
- By Amazon Customer on 05-16-20
By: Bram Barouh
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Are You Afraid of the Dark? The Official Podcast: Season 2
- By: Nickelodeon Podcasts
- Narrated by: Jeremy Ray Taylor, Mason Versaw, full cast
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- Original Recording
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Welcome back, horror-lovers, your long wait for new scary vibes is now over. The Midnight Society is back with even more thrills and chills to haunt your airwaves, and now is your chance to become an honorary member. From twisted hauntings from the afterlife lurking in innocent kids’ backyards, to a séance gone terribly wrong, and many other chilling tales, listen if you dare. Only truly brave souls should proceed. You’ve been warned.
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We need more....
- By Fernando Zepeda on 11-20-24
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Bella Bella
- By: Harvey Fierstein
- Narrated by: Harvey Fierstein
- Length: 1 hr and 13 mins
- Original Recording
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Four-time Tony Award® winner Harvey Fierstein takes on New York City’s very own political firebrand, Bella Abzug, in his new raucous, heart-rending, and absurdly humorous solo show. Set in 1976, on the eve of her bid to become New York State’s first female senator, Bella Bella finds this larger-than-life, truth-slinging, groundbreaking, hat-wearing icon squirreled away in the bathroom of a midtown hotel awaiting that night’s election results while a coterie of family and celebs await her entrance. Directing is Kimberly Senior (The Niceties).
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loved every minute!
- By John Kenny on 08-08-20
By: Harvey Fierstein
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107 Short Humorous Stories for Seniors
- Funny Easy-to-Read Stories to Reignite Memories, Stir Up Nostalgia, and Spark Conversations
- By: Tenlee Graham
- Narrated by: Christopher O'Neill
- Length: 3 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Dive into a world of laughter with "107 Short Humorous Stories for Seniors," a collection that celebrates the quirky and comical moments of senior life. Perfect for quick listens, this book brings together anecdotes of generational clashes, technological mishaps, and everyday adventures that are sure to spark joy and nostalgia.
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Could listen to these over and over
- By g0disg00d on 11-18-24
By: Tenlee Graham
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Breathe into Rejuvenation
- By: Gabrielle Bernstein
- Narrated by: Gabrielle Bernstein
- Length: 30 mins
- Original Recording
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Allow Gabby Bernstein to help you recalibrate your senses to relieve stress and find deep relaxation in this guided Yoga Nidra (sleep yoga). In a Yoga Nidra, you set an intention for rejuvenating sleep at the end of your day, almost like a wish for your sleep. Millions rely on her disarmingly candid and life-affirming wisdom, and her best-selling books inspire sold-out live tours
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Complicated
- By Lynne Miller on 05-15-20
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Napalm & Silly Putty
- By: George Carlin
- Narrated by: George Carlin
- Length: 2 hrs and 28 mins
- Abridged
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Story
Yes, George Carlin is here with more of what he did better than any other comic: uproarious observations, laser-targeted crankiness, linguistic legerdemain, and inspired weirdness. ("If the shoe fits, get another just like it." "When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.") Napalm & Silly Putty is just what his fans have been waiting for—another generous helping of notions, nonsense, assertions, assumptions, mockery, merriment, silliness, sarcasm, and, to be sure, plenty of disturbing references and toxic alienation.
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Good, but not like the stand-up
- By Anonymous User on 10-10-21
By: George Carlin
What listeners say about Bedtime Stories for Cynics
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Elizabeth
- 10-23-19
💗😁💗
grrrrreat! the main narrator presenting the stories was my fave part, but absolutely loved everything about it
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- Hitch
- 08-23-19
Petty Good
Loved the narration and all star cast. It just wasn't as good as the other book.
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- BA25000
- 01-20-20
great
loved it! made me laugh and smile. loves all the stories and the comedians. awesome
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- Duhaney
- 11-21-21
uhhmm! 😴😴😴
was this supposed to be funny. mission accomplished, I guess!!! . performance great but the content is wanting. 😴😴😴
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- Rakayia Holmes
- 04-28-22
Hilarious
I enjoyed all of these stories! The intro's had me on the floor laughing. My work is stressful sometimes and listening to this while doing crappy tasks made the time fly! Thanks for every story. I looked up a couple times and was like....wait. Very good and easy listen. I will certainly replay on restless nights. 🌙
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- Cakegirl
- 01-30-22
Fun Collection
Loved this fun assortment of stories. The vocal performances especially the narration by Nick Offerman was great.
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- Victor R.
- 09-29-22
great adult stories
great stories and a great cast of celebrities to voice different stories. highly recommend
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- Karen
- 04-10-23
I'm no rat!
Hilariously new take on childhood stories we all grew up listening to. Loved it!
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- Nessa
- 05-23-19
Depressingly Funny
Firstly, if you had a childhood where you grew up on fairy tales, DO NOT listen to this book. It will literally spoil every single beautiful fairy tale you knew and loved so much as it turns every single one into something horrifying. Don't get me wrong, they are extremely funny but I was so surprised at the outcome of some of these stories...lo... I'm sorry, I can't give a straight comment on this book.
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5 people found this helpful
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- C.D.
- 05-21-19
Not for sensitive people
Hysterical i couldnt stop listening, abosolutly worth it.... Nick Offerman performance is as always stellar.....
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4 people found this helpful