
Foreverland
On the Divine Tedium of Marriage
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Narrated by:
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Heather Havrilesky
About this listen
“Full of razor-sharp, big-hearted wisdom…. Couples should read this book aloud to each other instead of writing vows. People who never want to get married should read this book anyway.” —Leslie Jamison
An illuminating, poignant, and savagely funny examination of modern marriage from Ask Polly advice columnist Heather Havrilesky
If falling in love is the peak of human experience, then marriage is the slow descent down that mountain, on a trail built from conflict, compromise, and nagging doubts. Considering the limited economic advantages to marriage, the deluge of other mate options a swipe away, and the fact that almost half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce anyway, why do so many of us still chain ourselves to one human being for life?
In Foreverland, Heather Havrilesky illustrates the delights, aggravations, and sublime calamities of her marriage over the span of fifteen years, charting an unpredictable course from meeting her one true love to slowly learning just how much energy is required to keep that love aflame. This refreshingly honest portrait of a marriage reveals that our relationships are not simply “happy” or “unhappy,” but something much murkier—at once unsavory, taxing, and deeply satisfying. With tales of fumbled proposals, harrowing suburban migrations, external temptations, and the bewildering insults of growing older, Foreverland is a work of rare candor and insight. Havrilesky traces a path from daydreaming about forever for the first time to understanding what a tedious, glorious drag forever can be.
©2022 Heather Havrilesky (P)2022 HarperCollins PublishersListeners also enjoyed...
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Wish there were more books like this about marriage
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True romance.
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When Me Me Me is about you
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Caustic first third turns into a much better book later
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Seeking High-Strung Perfectionist With Tentacles
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So I tried it out anyway!
Havrilesky does indeed have a caustic sense of humor and is to be found gleefully ripping into the subject of her attention on the majority of the pages of this book. This biting humor is extra hilarious when Havrilesky levels her scope at some subject that usually gets a free pass (e.g., the divine tedium of most wedding ceremonies). Yet, the no-holds-barred humor can also leave you squirming - half laughing, half discomfited - when a subject gets a bit too close to home.
Havrilesky writes with the voice of the id - that invisible petulant critic in the back of your head. You know, that internal Twitter feed that is mostly filled with snark and schadenfreude (just like your real one!) I don't always love that brand of relentless pessimism as humor, but Havrilesky manages to keep it fresh and funny. Because she keeps this tone throughout the book, you also know that it is mostly tongue-in-cheek.
Also like real life, the target for Havrilesky's nastiest inner monologs is herself. She writes of her many imperfections, warts, and outright flaws on a variety of subjects. It is this relentless tirade against herself that frees her up to be more critical with other subjects and still retain our sympathy: she is very self-aware of her own shortcomings and is therefore aware that her discontent with other people/places is in part a reflection of her own dis-ease. Havrilesky is well aware she contributes in equal measure to the negative twists in her relationship.
Which leaves me a little confused at the many readers (such as NYT's Mr. Kirn's) who seem to regard Bill as a poor, beleaguered, and put-upon man. Sure, Havrilesky does have some choice analogies that paint him in an unflattering light (ala "heap of laundry: smelly, inert, useless, almost sentient but not quite”), but they are hardly more critical than the comments she directs to herself ("about as appealing a mate as Jabba the Hutt"). Indeed, the narrative appears to be far more critical of her own flaws - while also going out of its way to circle back and extoll Bill's virtues after any less flattering statements. Herein is the most interesting element of Havrilesky's style: the self-contradictions that mirror our own vacillating feelings for our romantic partners.
To me, the prose is innovative in the way that it takes us along for the emotional ups and downs in a more visceral way. Sure, Havrilesky could just digest it down to the clinical summary "sometimes I love Bill, sometimes I hate him" like an armchair psychologist. But the style of using hyperbolic, passionate, and often contradictory statements brings the reader along for that familiar whiplash. Sometimes you feel your mate is a saint for putting up with the sad sack of flesh you call yourself, and sometimes their most minor infraction pushes you into a tailspin of pent up rage - why have you put up with their crap for this long anyway?!?
That oscillating and erratic pendulum of passion is a common thread in any of my relationships that have lasted for any serious length. I'd like to hope that I've gotten better at quickly recognizing and self-correcting when my positive feelings precipitously flip on my partner. But I'm deluding myself if I try to pretend I have all of my ungenerous thoughts under firm control. I'd also be deluding myself if I thought I was even half as good as Havrilesky at admitting it when my irritation at my partner is mostly irritation at the reflection of myself that see off them. I didn't personally find it difficult to read Havrilesky's depiction of Bill, even when she was writing about her least generous thoughts of him. But it was a bit difficult to see some element of myself in some of those negative depictions of herself or her husband. I think that discomfort is what can make parts of this book hard to read. Or potentially enlightening.
All of which is to say that it's my opinion that Mr. Kirn owes Havrilesky an apology. (He might owe his two former wives and his current wife some apologies too, but that's just MY snarky critic talking.) The book is funny, insightful, and Bill is lucky to be both loved and hated by his talented wife (though its clear that Havrilesky does not have these feelings in equal measure).
Funny and Fair
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Rooted in Reality
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