Bears Want to Kill You
The Authoritative Guide to Survival in the War Between Man and Bear
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Narrated by:
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Ethan Nicolle
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By:
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Ethan Nicolle
About this listen
Did you know bears never die? There are many unknown facts about these fur-adorned mammals. Because the hard truths about bears can be difficult to process, society often shields itself from the realities of the true threat bears pose to mankind. Much as it took centuries for mankind to realize Earth was not at the center of the universe, it will take a long time for humans to realize that they are not at the top of the food chain.
In Bears Want to Kill You, author Ethan Nicolle exposes the lies about:
- Bear safety
- Bear spray
- Bear traps
- Bear necessities
...and gives you the truth about:
- Bear fighting
- Bear species
- Bear Jiu Jitsu
- Bear avoidance
- And more!
Every book written on bears has been a lie. People live under the false impression that bears can be avoided, that bear attacks are survivable, and even that bears are not immortal. Suffice it to say, people have a lot to learn about bears, bear safety, bear attacks, and the impending war between man and bear.
This is the first honest book about bears ever written. No lies, no propaganda. It’s the hard reality nobody wants to face. Can you bear the truth?
Ethan Nicolle is the co-creator of comic and TV series Axe Cop, webcomic Bearmageddon, writer for the Babylon Bee and writer for animated TV shows such as Teen Titans Go! and VeggieTales in the House. He resides in a giant bear locker in Rancho Cucamonga, CA.
©2019 Ethan Nicolle (P)2019 Ethan NicolleListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
"Bears Want to Kill You wields a prescience that is both hilarious and terrifying, as Ethan Nicolle masterfully spells out the ursine demise that is coming to us all." (Nick Offerman, Parks & Recreation, Axe Cop)
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Paleontologist Brandon Thackery and his rival, Miles "Klicks" Jordan, fulfill a dinosaur lover's dream with history's first time-travel jaunt to the late Mesozoic. Hoping to solve the extinction mystery, they find Earth's gravity is only half its 21st-century value and dinosaurs that behave very strangely. Could the slimy blue creatures from Mars have something to do with both?
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Fascinating!
- By Simone on 07-08-16
By: Robert J. Sawyer
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I Have a Bad Feeling about This
- By: Jeff Strand
- Narrated by: Aaron Landon
- Length: 5 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Henry Lambert would rather play video games than spend time in the great outdoors - but that doesn't make him a wuss. Skinny nerd? Fine. But wuss is a little harsh. Sadly, his dad doesn't agree. Which is why Henry is being shipped off to Strongwoods Survival Camp. Strongwoods isn't exactly as advertised. It looks like the victim of a zombie apocalypse, the "camp director" is a psycho drill sergeant, and Henry's sure he saw a sign written in blood...
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Entertaining
- By JunieJ on 01-22-17
By: Jeff Strand
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Nightlife
- By: Rob Thurman
- Narrated by: Patrick Lawlor
- Length: 11 hrs and 49 mins
- Unabridged
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In New York, there's a troll under the Brooklyn Bridge, a boggle in Central Park, and a beautiful vampire in a penthouse on the Upper East Side. Of course, most humans are oblivious to this, but Cal Leandros is only half-human. His father's dark lineage is the stuff of nightmares - and he and his entire otherworldly race are after Cal.
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Excellent debut for promising new series
- By Tracey on 03-28-13
By: Rob Thurman
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The Book of General Ignorance
- By: John Mitchinson, John Lloyd
- Narrated by: uncredited
- Length: 4 hrs and 20 mins
- Abridged
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Misconceptions, misunderstandings, and flawed facts finally get the heave-ho in this humorous, downright humiliating book of reeducation based on the phenomenal British best seller. Challenging what most of us assume to be verifiable truths in areas like history, literature, science, nature, and more, The Book of General Ignorance is a witty “gotcha” compendium of how little we actually know about anything. It’ll have you scratching your head wondering why we even bother to go to school.
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Interesting.
- By A. Hawkbird on 12-07-08
By: John Mitchinson, and others
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The Draco Tavern
- By: Larry Niven
- Narrated by: Tom Weiner
- Length: 6 hrs and 11 mins
- Unabridged
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When a tremendous spacecraft takes orbit around Earth's moon and begins sending smaller landers down toward the North Pole, the newly arrived visitors quickly set up a permanent spaceport in Siberia. Their presence attracts many, including Rick Schumann, who establishes a tavern catering to all the various species of visiting aliens, a place he calls the Draco Tavern. From the mind of best-selling author Larry Niven come 27 tales and vignettes from this interstellar gathering place.
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A Great Listen
- By D. Arkless on 04-07-07
By: Larry Niven
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Dying Bites
- Bloodhound Files, Book 1
- By: D. D. Barant
- Narrated by: Johanna Parker
- Length: 9 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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Her job description is the "tracking and apprehension of mentally-fractured killers". What this really means in FBI profiler Jace Valchek's brave new world - one in which only one percent of the population is human - is that a woman's work is never done. And real is getting stranger every day. Jace has been ripped from her reality by David Cassius, the vampire head of the NSA. He knows that she's the best there is in the business, and David needs her help in solving a series of gruesome murders of vampires and werewolves.
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Not a yawner!
- By K on 09-17-12
By: D. D. Barant
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Acid West
- Essays
- By: Joshua Wheeler
- Narrated by: Andrew Eiden
- Length: 12 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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Early on July 16, 1945, Joshua Wheeler's great grandfather awoke to a flash, and then a long rumble: the world's first atomic blast filled the horizon north of his ranch in Alamogordo, New Mexico. Out on the range, the cattle had been bleached white by the fallout. Acid West, Wheeler's stunning debut collection of essays, is full of these mutated cows: vestiges of the Old West that have been transformed, suddenly and irrevocably, by innovation. Traversing the New Mexico landscape, Wheeler excavates and reexamines these oddities.
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In The Year of our Lord 2018
- By Ruffkutt on 05-05-18
By: Joshua Wheeler
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Horror, Humor, And Heroes
- By: Jim Bernheimer
- Narrated by: Jeffrey Kafer
- Length: 5 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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Horror, Humor, and Heroes is a collection of twelve short stories, one novella, and a preview for my next novel that should contain enough variety to entertain you readers. Sample some of my finest offerings, such as - a guardian wolf fearing the coming of man, a producer willing to do anything to bring the first pay per view live werewolf hunt to the world, and a zombie running for congress.
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Not bad but short stories shouldn't be this short.
- By C. B. Pemberton on 02-20-15
By: Jim Bernheimer
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Charming
- Pax Arcana, Book 1
- By: Elliott James
- Narrated by: Roger Wayne
- Length: 10 hrs and 34 mins
- Unabridged
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John Charming isn't your average prince... He comes from a line of Charmings - an illustrious family of dragon slayers, witch-finders and killers dating back to before the fall of Rome. Trained by a modern day version of the Knights Templar, monster hunters who have updated their methods from chain mail and crossbows to Kevlar and shotguns, John Charming was one of the best-until a curse made him one of the abominations the Knights were sworn to hunt.
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Charming is Like Dresden in wolves clothing
- By Suzanne on 05-24-14
By: Elliott James
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Monster Hunter International
- By: Larry Correia
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman
- Length: 24 hrs
- Unabridged
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Five days after Owen Zastava Pitt pushed his insufferable boss out of a 14th story window, he woke up in the hospital with a scarred face, an unbelievable memory, and a job offer. It turns out that monsters are real. All the things from myth, legend, and B-movies are out there, waiting in the shadows. Some of them are evil, and some are just hungry. Monster Hunter International is the premier eradication company in the business. And now Owen is their newest recruit.
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Suprizingly entertaining
- By Konstantin on 02-17-12
By: Larry Correia
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World War Z: The Complete Edition
- An Oral History of the Zombie War
- By: Max Brooks
- Narrated by: Max Brooks, Alan Alda, John Turturro, and others
- Length: 12 hrs and 9 mins
- Abridged
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World War Z: The Complete Edition features 21 additional Hollywood A-list actors and sci-fi fan favorites performing stories not included in the original edition. New narrators include Academy Award-winning director Martin Scorsese, Spiderman star Alfred Molina, The Walking Dead creator Frank Darabont, rapper Common, Firefly star Nathan Fillion, Shaun of the Dead’s Simon Pegg, and members of the casts of Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Heroes and more!
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Will never pre-order again
- By Ignatz on 05-18-13
By: Max Brooks
What listeners say about Bears Want to Kill You
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Leo
- 03-05-24
Good
This is the best book ever the absolute best book ever this book deserves 5 stars
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- Amazon Customer
- 08-01-22
band of man eating bear brothers
Unfortunately I met my demise by a band of bear brothers who are apparently searching out people who leave 5 star reviews but not before they shared some of the most disturbing stories from back in Nam.
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- Andrew B.
- 06-25-19
Sssh, or the bears will hear you
If you can’t read “Bears Want to Kill You” because you’re hiding in the dark so the bears won’t see you... Now you can listen while you cower. Just don’t let them hear you.
Too bad they can see you no matter where you hide....
(It’s a reading by the author, of a visually-oriented picture-heavy original. The readings of the captions and descriptions is hilarious, though.)
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4 people found this helpful
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- Amazon Customer
- 02-01-20
super entertaining
great book! super funny, I listened to it on my commute to work. finishing move: poke driver.
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- S M
- 06-25-19
Training for life
Warning; you must wait at least thirty minutes after eating to read this book.
Warning: do not listen while operating dangerous equipment.
This book is your guide to life. It will give you a road map for all of the ways that life (bears) will try to stop your pursuit of happiness.
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3 people found this helpful
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- rgrekejin
- 08-20-19
Great book, but probably better in print
I really can't recommend the book itself highly enough - a hilarious "survival manual" in the illustrious tradition of The Zombie Survival Guide. I loved the print version of this book, and was curious hear how well the (many) illustrations, diagrams, and charts would translate to audio, and the answer is... well, it's hard to say. What the narrator (who is also the author) decided to go with was simply describing the illustrations in the absolutely driest, most technical deadpan imaginable. It kind of gives a picture its own special kind of life to hear a guy describing, with bloodless exactitude down to the hundredths of a percent, the precise proportion of honey, salmon, elk, ninja, and last surviving dinosaur present in a typical bear's droppings, but really - the images really do need to be *seen* to be properly appreciated. The effort here is heroic, but the audiobook feels more complementary to the printed version rather than being truly stand-alone.
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3 people found this helpful
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- Beastbot
- 07-05-19
Hilarious and exhaustive
Ethan Nicolle does an excellent job narrating all the various dangers bears can pose to us-- their different attacks, their different secret attacks, how to make idiots of ourselves before dying, different bear "species", etc. It's hard to stop laughing once you start, so make sure not to have this on low if someone is sleeping! Oh, and buy the book too, its diagrams are a must when listening to this-- you'll even get a free coupon code for a discounted price off said book if you skip to the end before you listen to the whole thing!
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- Barry
- 06-27-19
Great and useful book!
Very funny. It will undoubtedly become a modern classic, if anyone survives to read it.
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- Egelart
- 07-14-21
What is this?!?
This is a very strange and nonsensical book. Funny for about the first 30 seconds, and then it's like "wait - the whole book is silliness like this?" Don't get this if you think there will be any factual or actual information on the subject or wildlife. I can only think that there's something attractive to the physical version of this book, because the audio version is a complete waste of time.
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