Our Search for Belonging: How Our Need to Connect Is Tearing Us Apart
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Narrated by:
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Wes Bleed
About this listen
We are living in a time of mounting political segregation that threatens to tear us apart as a unified society. The result is that we are becoming increasingly tribal, and the narratives of life that we get exposed to on a daily basis have become echo chambers in which we hear our beliefs reinforced and others' beliefs demonized. Global diversity and inclusion expert Howard J. Ross, with coauthor JonRobert Tartaglione, explores how our human need to belong is the driving force for why we are living in a world so extremely divided.
At the core of tribalism exists a paradox: as humans, we are hardwired with the need to belong, which ends up making us deeply connected with some yet deeply divided from others. When these tribes are formed out of fear of the "other", on topics such as race, immigration status, religion, or partisan politics, we resort to an "us versus them" attitude. Especially in the digital age, when we are all interconnected in one way or another, these tensions seep into our daily lives and we become secluded with our self-identified tribes. This has consequences even in our most personal relationships in our families and communities - just think about Thanksgiving dinner conversations across the United States after the 2016 election.
Drawing on his decades of leadership experience, Ross probes the depth of tribalism, the role of social media in exacerbating it, and how to combat it. Ross and Tartaglione highlight how to maximize our impact in the workplace, noting that it is one of the few places where we are forced to work with people different from ourselves. The goal of the book is to help people understand these dynamics and to develop ways to bridge the divide so that we can move toward an ever more harmonious future.
©2018 Howard J. Ross with JonRobert Tartaglione (P)2018 Howard J. Ross with JonRobert TartaglioneListeners also enjoyed...
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From the best-selling author of The Intention Experiment and The Field comes a groundbreaking new work---a book that uses the interconnectedness of mind and matter to demonstrate that the key to life is in the relationship between things. We are always connected with others, hardwired at our most elemental level---from the quantum level to the cellular, from personal relationships to business and societal structures.
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Horrible narrator
- By Cotran on 09-19-11
By: Lynne McTaggart
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Sex, Murder, and the Meaning of Life
- A Psychologist Investigates How Evolution, Cognition, and Complexity Are Revolutionizing Our View of Human Nature
- By: Douglas T. Kenrick
- Narrated by: Fred Stella
- Length: 7 hrs and 31 mins
- Unabridged
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Between what can be learned from evolutionary psychology and cognitive science a picture emerges. In Sex, Murder, and the Meaning of Life, social psychologist Douglas Kenrick fuses these two fields to create a coherent story of human nature. In his analysis, many ingrained, apparently irrational behaviors—one-night stands, prejudice, conspicuous consumption, even art and religious devotion—are quite explicable and (when desired) avoidable.
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Rather dated and self-aggrandizing
- By Laurie Frick on 07-21-11
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The Opposite of Hate
- A Field Guide to Repairing Our Humanity
- By: Sally Kohn
- Narrated by: Sally Kohn
- Length: 7 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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As a progressive commentator on Fox News and now CNN, Sally Kohn has made a career out of bridging intractable political differences, learning how to talk civilly to people whose views she disagrees with passionately. Famously "nice", she even gave a TED Talk about what she termed emotional correctness. But these days, even Kohn has found herself wanting to breathe fire at her enemies. It was time, she decided, to look into the ugliness erupting all around us.
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Profoundly insightful, important, and digestible.
- By Scott on 04-24-18
By: Sally Kohn
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Moral Tribes
- Emotion, Reason, and the Gap Between Us and Them
- By: Joshua Greene
- Narrated by: Mel Foster
- Length: 14 hrs and 53 mins
- Unabridged
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A pathbreaking neuroscientist reveals how our social instincts turn Me into Us, but turn Us against Them - and what we can do about it. The great dilemma of our shrinking world is simple: never before have those we disagree with been so present in our lives. The more globalization dissolves national borders, the more clearly we see that human beings are deeply divided on moral lines - about everything from tax codes to sexual practices to energy consumption - and that, when we really disagree, our emotions turn positively tribal.
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Good Science, Bad Philosophy
- By Jacob on 10-27-16
By: Joshua Greene
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Cool
- How the Brain's Hidden Quest for Cool Drives Our Economy and Shapes Our World
- By: Steven Quartz, Anette Asp
- Narrated by: James Patrick Cronin
- Length: 10 hrs
- Unabridged
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In Cool, the neuroscientist and philosopher Steven Quartz and the political scientist Anette Asp bring together the latest findings in brain science, economics, and evolutionary biology to form a provocative theory of consumerism, revealing how the brain's "social calculator" and an instinct to rebel are the crucial missing links in understanding the motivations behind our spending habits.
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Some Useful Ideas
- By Carson on 07-20-17
By: Steven Quartz, and others
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Blindspot
- By: Mahzarin R. Banaji, Anthony G. Greenwald
- Narrated by: Eric Jason Martin
- Length: 7 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
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I know my own mind. I am able to assess others in a fair and accurate way. These self-perceptions are challenged by leading psychologists Mahzarin R. Banaji and Anthony G. Greenwald as they explore the hidden biases we all carry from a lifetime of exposure to cultural attitudes about age, gender, race, ethnicity, religion, social class, sexuality, disability status, and nationality. Blindspot is the authors’ metaphor for the portion of the mind that houses hidden biases.
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Difficult to interpret.
- By Ryan Arnold on 12-21-15
By: Mahzarin R. Banaji, and others
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Primates and Philosophers
- How Morality Evolved
- By: Frans de Waal
- Narrated by: Alan Sklar
- Length: 6 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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"It's the animal in us," we often hear when we've been bad. But why not when we're good? Primates and Philosophers tackles this question by exploring the biological foundations of one of humanity's most valued traits: morality.In this provocative book, primatologist Frans de Waal argues that modern-day evolutionary biology takes far too dim a view of the natural world, emphasizing our "selfish" genes.
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Having Just Read...
- By Douglas on 12-14-13
By: Frans de Waal
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The Transgender Teen
- A Handbook for Parents and Professionals Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Teens
- By: Stephanie A. Brill, Lisa Kenney
- Narrated by: Coleen Marlo
- Length: 9 hrs and 31 mins
- Unabridged
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Is it just a phase, a fad, or a real issue with your teen? This comprehensive guidebook explores the unique challenges that thousands of families face every day raising a teenager who may be transgender, gender-variant, or gender-fluid. Covering extensive research and with many personal interviews, as well as years of experience working in the field, the author covers pressing concerns relating to physical and emotional development, social and school pressures, medical options, and family communications.
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Good information at its core
- By Jeff on 05-22-19
By: Stephanie A. Brill, and others
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Why Honor Matters
- By: Tamler Sommers
- Narrated by: Tamler Sommers
- Length: 6 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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To the modern mind, the idea of honor is outdated, sexist, and barbaric. It evokes Hamilton and Burr and pistols at dawn, not visions of a well-organized society. But for philosopher Tamler Sommers, a sense of honor is essential to living moral lives. In Why Honor Matters, Sommers argues that our collective rejection of honor has come at great cost. Reliant only on Enlightenment liberalism, the United States has become the home of the cowardly, the shameless, the selfish, and the alienated. Properly channeled, honor encourages virtues like courage, integrity, and solidarity.
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A critical, yet seemingly impossible, topic!
- By Anonymous User on 03-10-20
By: Tamler Sommers
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Friend and Foe
- When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both
- By: Adam D. Galinsky, Maurice E. Schweitzer
- Narrated by: Tom Perkins
- Length: 9 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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In Friend and Foe, researchers Galinsky and Schweitzer explain why this debate misses the mark. Rather than being hardwired to compete or cooperate, humans have evolved to do both. It is only by learning how to strike the right balance between these two forces that we can improve our long-term relationships and get more of what we want.
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Unexpected
- By Garron Rose on 01-05-16
By: Adam D. Galinsky, and others
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The Self Illusion
- Why There Is No "You" Inside Your Head
- By: Bruce Hood
- Narrated by: Bruce Hood
- Length: 10 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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The Self Illusion provides a fascinating examination of how the latest science shows that our individual concept of a self is in fact an illusion. Most of us believe that we possess a self - an internal individual who resides inside our bodies, making decisions, authoring actions and possessing free will. The feeling that a single, unified, enduring self inhabits the body is compelling and inescapable. But that sovereignty of the self is increasingly under threat from science as our understanding of the brain advances.
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Disappointing
- By David R Pinsof on 05-10-12
By: Bruce Hood
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You Are Now Less Dumb
- How to Conquer Mob Mentality, How to Buy Happiness, and All the Other Ways to Outsmart Yourself
- By: David McRaney
- Narrated by: Don Hagen
- Length: 8 hrs and 40 mins
- Unabridged
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You Are Now Less Dumb is grounded in the idea that we all believe ourselves to be objective observers of reality - except we’re not. But that's okay, because our delusions keep us sane. Expanding on this premise, McRaney provides eye-opening analyses of 15 more ways we fool ourselves every day. This smart and highly entertaining audiobook will be wowing listeners for years to come.
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Not a lot of guidance
- By A. Yoshida on 02-08-14
By: David McRaney
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Down Girl
- The Logic of Misogyny
- By: Kate Manne
- Narrated by: Lauren Fortgang
- Length: 10 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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Misogyny is a hot topic, yet it's often misunderstood. What is misogyny, exactly? Who deserves to be called a misogynist? How does misogyny contrast with sexism, and why is it prone to persist - or increase - even when sexist gender roles are waning? This book is an exploration of misogyny in public life and politics by the moral philosopher Kate Manne. It argues that misogyny should not be understood primarily in terms of the hatred or hostility some men feel toward all or most women. Rather, it's primarily about controlling, policing, punishing, and exiling the "bad" women.
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Five Star Book w/bad Narration
- By Cherrybomb on 02-08-19
By: Kate Manne
What listeners say about Our Search for Belonging: How Our Need to Connect Is Tearing Us Apart
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Anonymous User
- 08-18-21
great read
read before a work webex with author. very true, thought provoking, and useful. It applies to home, in our neighborhoods, and work....
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- Ricahrd E. Lintal
- 06-07-18
A comprehensive investigation of belonging
Well thought out insights anchored by relevant research. A good read for the novice and expert alike.
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- Azura S
- 11-04-18
Rocky Start But Worth Sticking With
I still feel like there was a missed opportunity to examine the pernicious impact of social media on this "search for belonging" but after a poor start (too much right vs left guff for me), this did an admirable job of looking into how we might "belong" to more than just the group we seek to belong to and how we might actually connect across tribal lines. The narration was well done too, a little dry but it's a fairly academic treatise, so fair enough. Yes, this is one I'd recommend. Give it a go if you'd like to know "why can't we all get along?" And how we might if we just tried a little harder.
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- Joe Conway (he, him, his)
- 10-22-24
"𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐒𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠"
Howard J. Ross and JonRobert Tartaglione have tackled one of humanity's oldest yearnings in 𝑂𝑢𝑟 𝑆𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑐ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝐵𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔: 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑂𝑢𝑟 𝑁𝑒𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝐶𝑜𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑐𝑡 𝐼𝑠 𝑇𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑈𝑠 𝐴𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡—and oh boy, do they bring the heat. This isn’t just another book that tells you to sing "Kumbaya" and hold hands around the corporate conference table. Nope. It dives into the hard truth about how our deep desire for belonging can sometimes throw us headfirst into division, and it gets real about why it feels so good, and yet so destructive, to stay inside our little bubbles. Spoiler alert: it's not just about you and your coworkers agreeing on the best coffee brand for the breakroom. It's about the fabric of our society—and maybe your next Thanksgiving dinner, too.
𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑴𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔
Let’s face it—humans are wired to connect. It’s in our biology. From caveman days to TikTok tribes, we want to be part of something, to feel seen and heard. Ross and Tartaglione brilliantly explain how our brains get a hit of dopamine when we find our “people.” And I mean, who doesn’t love a good dopamine rush? It’s the stuff that makes Friday nights with close friends feel like therapy.
But the book warns us: if we aren’t careful, our need to belong can lead us to seek it 𝑎𝑡 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑐𝑜𝑠𝑡𝑠. Whether at work, home, or even during a friendly community softball game, we start forming “us vs. them” mindsets. Social psychologist 𝑇𝑎𝑗𝑓𝑒𝑙’𝑠 𝑠𝑜𝑐𝑖𝑎𝑙 𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑡𝑦 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑜𝑟𝑦 tells us we’re prone to grouping ourselves into categories, creating in-groups (our tribe) and out-groups (those we wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole). The problem is, this can become divisive—and fast.
The authors argue that while creating cultures of belonging is crucial, not all belonging is healthy. If we’re not careful, we might belong to the 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔 crowd, fostering toxic environments rather than ones that lift us up. So yeah, belonging feels good—but you’ve got to keep an eye on where that sense of connection is leading you.
𝑪𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑺𝒂𝒇𝒆 𝑺𝒑𝒂𝒄𝒆𝒔 𝑾𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑻𝒐𝒙𝒊𝒄𝒊𝒕𝒚
At this point, you might be thinking, “Okay, so how do we build belonging without accidentally creating a cult-like bubble?” That’s where 𝑝𝑠𝑦𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑙𝑜𝑔𝑖𝑐𝑎𝑙 𝑠𝑎𝑓𝑒𝑡𝑦 comes in—a concept that’s vital to creating environments where people can feel connected 𝑎𝑛𝑑 challenged in healthy ways. Social scientist Amy Edmondson explains psychological safety as the “shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking.” It means your employees, family members, or teammates feel like they can voice an unpopular opinion without being metaphorically shunned. It's basically creating a space where people can 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔 but not turn into clones of each other.
Ross and Tartaglione highlight that the magic of belonging should allow for differences, not just among our friends but especially with those we don't agree with. That’s where the real work happens—bridging gaps, fostering growth, and learning to 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑎𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑒 without blowing the whole thing up.
𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒍𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝑴𝒊𝒔𝒈𝒖𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈
But here’s the kicker: not all belonging is good. Some forms of connection can be downright dangerous, and the authors don’t shy away from this. Think of all the times history has shown us how powerful, tight-knit groups have spiraled into something harmful—groups that started with good intentions but quickly became echo chambers of toxicity. From cults to cliques to toxic workplaces, Ross and Tartaglione caution readers to be mindful of the company we keep.
Psychology backs this up. 𝐴𝑏𝑟𝑎ℎ𝑎𝑚 𝑀𝑎𝑠𝑙𝑜𝑤, of hierarchy-of-needs fame, emphasizes belonging as essential to human fulfillment. But if that belonging is built on a foundation of exclusion, fear, or hatred? That’s not belonging—it’s a prison.
At the end of the day, we all want to be part of something greater than ourselves. But the challenge is to build communities—at work, home, or wherever—that allow for growth, diversity of thought, and genuine connection without veering into tribalism. The authors remind us: it’s not about finding people who always agree with you, but finding people who will respect you, challenge you, and grow alongside you. As the saying goes, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”
𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒍-𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝑨𝒑𝒑𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏: 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒂𝒕 𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒌, 𝑯𝒐𝒎𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑷𝒍𝒂𝒚
So, how do you apply these lessons in your everyday life? At work, it’s about fostering environments where 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑜𝑛𝑒 feels they belong, not just the loudest voices in the room. That means creating a workplace culture that thrives on psychological safety—where feedback is encouraged, and creativity can flourish because people aren’t scared of being shot down.
At home, it’s about creating a family culture where people feel valued, seen, and respected. Even if you don’t agree on whether pineapple belongs on pizza (it doesn’t, but that’s for another day), you can still create space for connection and understanding. Community? It’s about being active, participating, and finding ways to belong without building walls that block others out.
And yes, it’s possible to have fun with this too. Let’s not forget that belonging should feel 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑—like Friday night board games or that perfect potluck dish that unites even the most divided of friends.
𝑪𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏: 𝑾𝒂𝒍𝒌 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑩𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑻𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒓𝒐𝒑𝒆, 𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝑫𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝑭𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝑶𝒇𝒇
Ross and Tartaglione’s 𝑂𝑢𝑟 𝑆𝑒𝑎𝑟𝑐ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝐵𝑒𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔 is more than just a wake-up call about how our connections are shaping our world—it’s a challenge to step up and create cultures where people feel they belong in ways that are healthy, inclusive, and, most importantly, safe. Because yes, we need to connect. Yes, we need to belong. But let’s make sure the place we’re planting roots isn’t a garden of weeds.
So, when you’re out there building those bridges, remember to check where the other end leads. And whatever you do, don’t just connect—connect smartly.
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- Donna Payne
- 09-03-20
Great book!
Very thorough in pointing out what is needed for belonging. This type of book is good for discussions and open forums facilitated by Diversity facilitators.
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