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What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat
- Narrated by: Samara Naeymi
- Length: 7 hrs and 22 mins
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Publisher's summary
From the creator of Your Fat Friend and co-host of the Maintenance Phase podcast, an explosive indictment of the systemic and cultural bias facing plus-size people.
Anti-fatness is everywhere. In What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat, Aubrey Gordon unearths the cultural attitudes and social systems that have led to people being denied basic needs because they are fat and calls for social justice movements to be inclusive of plus-sized people’s experiences. Unlike the recent wave of memoirs and quasi self-help books that encourage listeners to love and accept themselves, Gordon pushes the discussion further towards authentic fat activism, which includes ending legal weight discrimination, giving equal access to health care for large people, increased access to public spaces, and ending anti-fat violence. As she argues, “I did not come to body positivity for self-esteem. I came to it for social justice.”
By sharing her experiences as well as those of others - from smaller fat to very fat people - she concludes that to be fat in our society is to be seen as an undeniable failure, unlovable, unforgivable, and morally condemnable. Fatness is an open invitation for others to express disgust, fear, and insidious concern. To be fat is to be denied humanity and empathy. Studies show that fat survivors of sexual assault are less likely to be believed and less likely than their thin counterparts to report various crimes; 27 percent of very fat women and 13 percent of very fat men attempt suicide; over 50 percent of doctors describe their fat patients as “awkward, unattractive, ugly and noncompliant”; and in 48 states, it’s legal - even routine - to deny employment because of an applicant’s size.
Advancing fat justice and changing prejudicial structures and attitudes will require work from all people. What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat is a crucial tool to create a tectonic shift in the way we see, talk about, and treat our bodies, fat and thin alike.
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Critic reviews
“Everyone who has a fat family member, friend, acquaintance, or coworker should read this insightful book.”
—Library Journal, Starred Review
“Gordon provides candid storytelling and critical analysis in this validating and inclusive read.”
—Ms. Magazine
“Writing from a personal and cultural perspective, Gordon goes beyond cosmetic complaints to undress the depths of anti-fat bias and discrimination, ultimately rallying for a social justice movement to form and broaden the scope of the conversation.”
—CultureShift
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We congratulate ourselves when we resist the donut in the office breakroom. We celebrate our restraint when we hold back from sending an email in anger. We feel virtuous when we wake up at dawn to get a jump on the day. We put others’ needs ahead of our own and believe this makes us exemplary. In On Our Best Behavior, journalist Elise Loehnen explains that these impulses—often lauded as unselfish, distinctly feminine instincts—are actually ingrained in us by a culture that reaps the benefits, via an extraordinarily effective collection of mores known as the Seven Deadly Sins.
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Autobiography in Disguise
- By Lindsey on 06-11-23
By: Elise Loehnen
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Beauty Sick
- How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women
- By: Renee Engeln
- Narrated by: Teri Schnaubelt
- Length: 11 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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Today's young women face a bewildering set of contradictions when it comes to beauty. They don't want to be Barbie dolls but, like generations of women before them, are told they must look like them. They're angry about the media's treatment of women but hungrily consume the very outlets that belittle them. They understand that what they see isn't real but still download apps to airbrush their selfies.
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No conclusion
- By Amazon Customer on 01-15-21
By: Renee Engeln
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Brainwashed
- Challenging the Myth of Black Inferiority
- By: Tom Burrell
- Narrated by: Sylvester Brown Jr.
- Length: 9 hrs and 31 mins
- Unabridged
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"Black people are not dark-skinned white people", says advertising visionary Tom Burrell. In fact, they are much more. They are survivors of the Middle Passage and centuries of humiliation and deprivation, who have excelled against the odds, constantly making a way out of "No way!" At this pivotal point in history, the idea of Black inferiority should have had a "Going-Out-of-Business Sale." After all, Barack Obama reached America's Promised Land. Yet, as Brainwashed testifies, too many in Black America are still wandering in the wilderness.
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Guidance against the odds.
- By Henry Lee Faulkner on 01-05-21
By: Tom Burrell
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How to Be Sad
- Everything I’ve Learned About Getting Happier by Being Sad
- By: Helen Russell
- Narrated by: Helen Russell
- Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Helen Russell has researched sadness from the inside out for her entire life. Her earliest memory is of the day her sister died. Her parents divorced soon after, and her mother didn’t receive the help she needed to grieve. Coping with her own emotional turmoil — including struggles with body image and infertility — she’s endured professional and personal setbacks as well as relationships that have imploded in truly spectacular ways. Even the things that brought her the greatest joy — like eventually becoming a parent — are fraught with challenges.
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More an self biography
- By Jaime Murillo on 04-27-24
By: Helen Russell
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A Mind Spread Out on the Ground
- By: Alicia Elliott
- Narrated by: Kyla Garcia
- Length: 7 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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The Mohawk phrase for depression can be roughly translated as a mind spread out on the ground. In this urgent, visceral work, Alicia Elliott explores how apt a description that is for the ongoing effects of the personal, intergenerational, and colonial traumas experienced by her so many Native people. Elliott's deeply personal writing details a life spent between Indigenous and White communities - a divide reflected in her own family - and engages with such wide-ranging topics as race, parenthood, love, art, mental illness, poverty, sexual assault, gentrification, and representation.
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Well written, heartfelt, revealing
- By KWK on 07-15-24
By: Alicia Elliott
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The New Normal
- A Roadmap to Resilience in the Pandemic Era
- By: Jennifer Ashton
- Narrated by: Jennifer Ashton
- Length: 8 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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From Dr. Jennifer Ashton comes a doctor’s guide to finding resilience in the time of COVID, while staying safe and sane in a rapidly changing world. The New Normal is a holistic road map through the ongoing struggles of the pandemic, providing the guidance you need to navigate this unsettling time and take charge of your future well-being.
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Live Each Day Alive
- By Barbara A. Badalewski on 06-02-23
By: Jennifer Ashton
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Healthy at 100
- By: John Robbins
- Narrated by: Raymond Todd
- Length: 10 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Why do some people age in failing health and sadness, while others grow old with vitality and joy? In this revolutionary audiobook, best-selling author John Robbins presents us with a bold new paradigm of aging, showing us how we can increase not only our lifespan but also our health span.
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Changed my Life
- By David Shear on 05-23-13
By: John Robbins
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Secrets from the Eating Lab
- The Science of Weight Loss, the Myth of Willpower, and Why You Should Never Diet Again
- By: Traci Mann PhD
- Narrated by: Donna Postel
- Length: 6 hrs and 14 mins
- Unabridged
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From her office in the University of Minnesota's Health and Eating Lab, professor Traci Mann researches self-control and dieting. And what she has discovered is groundbreaking. Not only do diets not work, they often result in weight gain. Americans are losing the battle of the bulge because our bodies and brains are not hardwired to resist food - the very idea of it works against our biological imperative to survive.
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Nothing New
- By KM Land on 11-22-15
By: Traci Mann PhD
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Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen
- The Emotional Lives of Black Women
- By: Inger Burnett-Zeigler
- Narrated by: Adenrele Ojo
- Length: 7 hrs and 47 mins
- Unabridged
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Black women are beautiful, intelligent, and capable - but mostly they embrace strong. Esteemed clinical psychologist Dr. Inger Burnett-Zeigler praises the strength of women while exploring how trauma and adversity have led to deep emotional pain and shaped how they walk through the world.
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Amazing!
- By charlene lindsey on 09-08-21
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Crazy Like Us
- The Globalization of the American Psyche
- By: Ethan Watters
- Narrated by: Patrick Lawlor
- Length: 8 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
America has been the world leader in generating new mental health treatments and modern theories of the human psyche. We export our psychopharmaceuticals packaged with the certainty that our biomedical knowledge will relieve the suffering and stigma of mental illness. We categorize disorders, thereby defining mental illness and health, and then parade these seemingly scientific certainties in front of the world.
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He is a reporter...
- By Briana on 05-07-18
By: Ethan Watters
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Viral Justice
- How We Grow the World We Want
- By: Ruha Benjamin
- Narrated by: Ruha Benjamin
- Length: 13 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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Long before the pandemic, Ruha Benjamin was doing groundbreaking research on race, technology, and justice, focusing on big, structural changes. But the twin plagues of COVID-19 and anti-Black police violence inspired her to rethink the importance of small, individual actions. Part memoir, part manifesto, Viral Justice is a sweeping and deeply personal exploration of how we can transform society through the choices we make every day.
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Fantastic book!
- By Avie Kearney on 05-21-23
By: Ruha Benjamin
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Wake Up
- Why the world has gone nuts
- By: Piers Morgan
- Narrated by: Piers Morgan
- Length: 9 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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In 2020, the world faced its biggest crisis in a generation: a global pandemic. In the UK, it exposed deep divisions within society and laid bare a toxic culture war that had been raging beneath the surface. From the outset, Piers Morgan urged the nation to come to its senses, once and for all, and held the government to often ferocious account over its handling of the crisis. COVID-19 shed shocking light on the problems that plague our country. Stockpilers and lockdown-cheats revealed our grotesque levels of self-interest.
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Another victim of COVID-19
- By Travis M. Erickson on 10-27-20
By: Piers Morgan
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The Eating Instinct
- Food Culture, Body Image, and Guilt in America
- By: Virginia Sole-Smith
- Narrated by: Julie McKay
- Length: 8 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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An exploration, both personal and deeply reported, of how we learn to eat in today's toxic food culture. When her newborn daughter stopped eating after a medical crisis, Virginia Sole-Smith spent two years teaching her how to feel safe around food again - and in the process, realized just how many of us are struggling to do the same thing.
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Not at all what I expected
- By Kimberly Theriault on 02-24-19
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Down Size
- 12 Truths for Turning Pants-Splitting Frustration into Pants-Fitting Success
- By: Ted Spiker
- Narrated by: Eric Michael Summerer
- Length: 8 hrs and 22 mins
- Unabridged
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In Down Size, Ted reveals 12 truths about successful weight loss in areas such as temptation, frustration, nutrition, and inspiration. Combining science, personal stories, expert interviews, and advice, Down Size is an entertaining, field-tested, and research-based look at how men and women can finally find the body they want.
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Great book...great writing!!
- By Jason Fenstermaker on 08-04-15
By: Ted Spiker
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Leftist propaganda
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Fat Talk
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Fat Talk argues for a reclaiming of “fat,” which is not synonymous with “unhealthy,” “inactive,” or “lazy.” Talking to researchers and activists, as well as parents and kids across a broad swath of the country, Sole-Smith lays bare how America’s focus on solving the “childhood obesity epidemic” has perpetuated a second crisis of disordered eating and body hatred for kids of all sizes. She exposes our society’s internalized fatphobia and elucidates how and why we need to stop “preventing obesity” and start supporting kids in the bodies they have.
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Essential reading for ALL PARENTS.
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Belly of the Beast
- The Politics of Anti-Fatness as Anti-Blackness
- By: Da'Shaun L. Harrison, Kiese Laymon - foreword
- Narrated by: Da'Shaun L. Harrison
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To live in a body both fat and Black is to exist at the margins of a society that creates the conditions for anti-fatness as anti-Blackness. Hyper-policed by state and society, passed over for housing and jobs, and derided and misdiagnosed by medical professionals, fat Black people in the United States are subject to socio-politically sanctioned discrimination, abuse, condescension, and trauma.
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Beautifully written, complex and compelling
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Anti-Diet
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Sixty-eight percent of Americans have dieted at some point in their lives. But upwards of 90 percent of people who intentionally lose weight gain it back within five years. And as many as 66 percent of people who embark on weight-loss efforts end up gaining more weight than they lost. If dieting is so clearly ineffective, why are we so obsessed with it? The culprit is diet culture, a system of beliefs that equates thinness to health and moral virtue, promotes weight loss as a means of attaining higher status, and demonizes certain ways of eating while elevating others.
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Processed food industry fights back
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The Body Is Not an Apology, Second Edition
- The Power of Radical Self-Love
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Humans are a varied and divergent bunch with all manner of beliefs, morals, and bodies. Systems of oppression thrive off our inability to make peace with difference and injure the relationship we have with our own bodies. The Body Is Not an Apology offers radical self-love as the balm to heal the wounds inflicted by these violent systems. World-renowned activist and poet Sonya Renee Taylor invites us to reconnect with the radical origins of our minds and bodies and celebrate our collective, enduring strength.
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YES YES YES
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Maintenance Phase
- The Hidden History of the Weight Loss and Wellness Industries—and the Lies They Sold Us
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"Prisons Make Us Safer"
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Leftist propaganda
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Fat Talk argues for a reclaiming of “fat,” which is not synonymous with “unhealthy,” “inactive,” or “lazy.” Talking to researchers and activists, as well as parents and kids across a broad swath of the country, Sole-Smith lays bare how America’s focus on solving the “childhood obesity epidemic” has perpetuated a second crisis of disordered eating and body hatred for kids of all sizes. She exposes our society’s internalized fatphobia and elucidates how and why we need to stop “preventing obesity” and start supporting kids in the bodies they have.
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Essential reading for ALL PARENTS.
- By MaineReader on 05-11-23
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Belly of the Beast
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To live in a body both fat and Black is to exist at the margins of a society that creates the conditions for anti-fatness as anti-Blackness. Hyper-policed by state and society, passed over for housing and jobs, and derided and misdiagnosed by medical professionals, fat Black people in the United States are subject to socio-politically sanctioned discrimination, abuse, condescension, and trauma.
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Beautifully written, complex and compelling
- By lena carew on 10-16-24
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Sixty-eight percent of Americans have dieted at some point in their lives. But upwards of 90 percent of people who intentionally lose weight gain it back within five years. And as many as 66 percent of people who embark on weight-loss efforts end up gaining more weight than they lost. If dieting is so clearly ineffective, why are we so obsessed with it? The culprit is diet culture, a system of beliefs that equates thinness to health and moral virtue, promotes weight loss as a means of attaining higher status, and demonizes certain ways of eating while elevating others.
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Processed food industry fights back
- By jamal liles on 12-29-19
By: Christy Harrison
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The Body Is Not an Apology, Second Edition
- The Power of Radical Self-Love
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- Narrated by: Sonya Renee Taylor
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Humans are a varied and divergent bunch with all manner of beliefs, morals, and bodies. Systems of oppression thrive off our inability to make peace with difference and injure the relationship we have with our own bodies. The Body Is Not an Apology offers radical self-love as the balm to heal the wounds inflicted by these violent systems. World-renowned activist and poet Sonya Renee Taylor invites us to reconnect with the radical origins of our minds and bodies and celebrate our collective, enduring strength.
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YES YES YES
- By Sarah vdw on 02-16-21
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Maintenance Phase
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Fearing the Black Body
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There is an obesity epidemic in this country, and poor Black women are particularly stigmatized as "diseased" and a burden on the public health-care system. This is only the most recent incarnation of the fear of fat Black women, which Sabrina Strings shows took root more than 200 years ago.
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Enlightening!
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The Wellness Trap
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“It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle.” You've probably heard this phrase from any number of people in the wellness space. But as Christy Harrison reveals in her latest book, wellness culture promotes a standard of health that is often both unattainable and deeply harmful. The Wellness Trap delves into the persistent, systemic problems with that industry, offering insight into its troubling pattern of cultural appropriation and its destructive views on mental health, and shedding light on how a growing distrust of conventional medicine has led ordinary people to turn their backs on science.
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Missed the Mark
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Health at Every Size
- The Surprising Truth About Your Weight
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Fat isn't the problem. Dieting is the problem. A society that rejects anyone whose body shape or size doesn't match an impossible ideal is the problem. A medical establishment that equates "thin" with "healthy" is the problem. The solution? The Health at Every Size program. Tune in to your body's expert guidance. Find the joy in movement. Eat what you want, when you want, choosing pleasurable foods that help you to feel good. You too can feel great in your body right now - and this book will show you how.
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I'm a new person.
- By Autumn Reese on 05-11-17
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Reclaiming Body Trust
- A Path to Healing & Liberation
- By: Hilary Kinavey MS LPC, Dana Sturtevant MS RD
- Narrated by: Hilary Kinavey MS LPC, Angela Braxton-Johnson, Mx. Nicky Endres, and others
- Length: 9 hrs and 25 mins
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Story
Have you ever felt uncomfortable or not “at home” in your body? In this book, the founders of Body Trust, licensed therapist Hilary Kinavey and registered dietician Dana Sturtevant, invite listeners to break free from the status quo and reject a diet culture that has taken advantage and profited from trauma, stigma, and disembodiment, and fully reclaim and embrace their bodies.
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“I Woke Up Like That” - Trusting This Body
- By Angela BJ on 09-13-22
By: Hilary Kinavey MS LPC, and others
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Happy Fat
- Taking up Space in a World that Wants to Shrink You
- By: Sofie Hagen
- Narrated by: Sofie Hagen
- Length: 9 hrs and 10 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
Comedian Sofie Hagen shares how she removed fatphobic influences from her daily life and found self-acceptance in a world where judgment and discrimination are rife. From shame and sex to airplane seats, love and getting stuck in public toilets, Sofie provides practical tips for listeners, drawing wisdom from other Fat Liberation champions along the way. Part memoir, part social commentary, Happy Fat is a funny, angry and impassioned look at how taking up space in a culture that is desperate to reduce you can be radical, emboldening and life-changing.
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Beautiful, informative, moving.
- By Michelle M on 08-22-19
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More than a Body
- Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament
- By: Lexie Kite, Lindsay Kite
- Narrated by: Lexie Kite PhD, Lindsay Kite PhD
- Length: 9 hrs and 21 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Story
Our beauty-obsessed world perpetuates the idea that happiness, health, and ability to be loved are dependent on how we look, but authors Lindsay and Lexie Kite offer an alternative vision. With insights drawn from their extensive body image research, Lindsay and Lexie—PhDs and founders of the nonprofit Beauty Redefined (and also twin sisters!)—lay out an action plan that arms you with the skills you need to reconnect with your whole self and free yourself from the constraints of self-objectification.
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Good Intentions; Questionable Message.
- By Lacquered By Bec on 05-03-21
By: Lexie Kite, and others
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Body of Truth
- How Science, History, and Culture Drive Our Obsession with Weight - and What We Can Do About It
- By: Harriet Brown
- Narrated by: Karen Saltus
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- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Through interviews, research, and her own experience, Brown not only gives us the real story on weight, health, and beauty, but also offers concrete suggestions for how each of us can sort through the lies and misconceptions and make peace with and for ourselves.
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Waste of time
- By Human Bean on 06-26-15
By: Harriet Brown
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Unshrinking
- How to Face Fatphobia
- By: Kate Manne
- Narrated by: Kate Manne
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- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Blending intimate stories with the trenchant analysis that has become her signature, Manne shows why fatphobia has become a vital social justice issue. Over the last several decades, implicit bias has waned in every category, from race to sexual orientation, except one: body size. Manne examines how anti-fatness operates—how it leads us to make devastating assumptions about a person’s attractiveness, fortitude, and intellect, and how it intersects with other systems of oppression.
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outstanding takedown of diet culture
- By AnglophileLV on 09-06-24
By: Kate Manne
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Shrill
- Notes from a Loud Woman
- By: Lindy West
- Narrated by: Lindy West
- Length: 6 hrs and 9 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Shrill is an uproarious memoir, a feminist rallying cry in a world that thinks gender politics are tedious and that women, especially feminists, can't be funny. Coming of age in a culture that demands women be as small, quiet, and compliant as possible - like a porcelain dove that will also have sex with you - writer and humorist Lindy West quickly discovered that she was anything but. With inimitable good humor, vulnerability, and boundless charm, Lindy boldly shares how to survive in a world where not all stories are created equal.
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Bookclub or no bookclub?
- By Dan Mulligan on 06-17-16
By: Lindy West
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You Have the Right to Remain Fat
- By: Virgie Tovar
- Narrated by: Virgie Tovar
- Length: 2 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Growing up as a fat girl, Virgie Tovar believed that her body was something to be fixed. But after two decades of dieting and constant guilt, she was over it and gave herself the freedom to trust her own body again. Ever since, she’s been helping others to do the same. Tovar is hungry for a world where bodies are valued equally, food is free from moral judgment, and you can jiggle through life with respect.
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open ears and mind.
- By Havah on 08-24-20
By: Virgie Tovar
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The Eating Instinct
- Food Culture, Body Image, and Guilt in America
- By: Virginia Sole-Smith
- Narrated by: Julie McKay
- Length: 8 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
An exploration, both personal and deeply reported, of how we learn to eat in today's toxic food culture. When her newborn daughter stopped eating after a medical crisis, Virginia Sole-Smith spent two years teaching her how to feel safe around food again - and in the process, realized just how many of us are struggling to do the same thing.
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Not at all what I expected
- By Kimberly Theriault on 02-24-19
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Mediocre
- The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America
- By: Ijeoma Oluo
- Narrated by: Ijeoma Oluo
- Length: 10 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Through the last 150 years of American history—from the post-reconstruction South and the mythic stories of cowboys in the West, to the present-day controversy over NFL protests and the backlash against the rise of women in politics—Ijeoma Oluo exposes the devastating consequences of white male supremacy on women, people of color, and white men themselves. Mediocre investigates the real costs of this phenomenon in order to imagine a new white male identity, one free from racism and sexism.
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This was so enlightening.
- By Firewhiskey Reader on 01-07-21
By: Ijeoma Oluo
What listeners say about What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall
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Performance
- Allison Hochmuth
- 06-25-21
excellent policy recommendations at the end!
I really enjoyed this audio book and the historical analysis of anti-fat bias and the vision and policy recommendations at the end. you can tell Aubrey Gordon has a background in political organizing. I also really enjoy her podcast Maintenance Phase with Michael Hobbs.
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3 people found this helpful
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- Knitit
- 01-21-23
I didn't notice Aubrey Gordon wasn't Narrating
I love the information, but I am all caught up on Maintenance Phase and was looking for more from a familiar voice I know and love. You can hear Aubrey's words, but having someone else reading it was hard to get past.
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- caps
- 06-24-23
The Last Prejudice Exposed
I was impressed with research and soul of her expression. She has a lifetime of experience and shares them to our benefit.
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- M Sherman
- 04-13-21
10/10
I cried... a lot. As someone who is overweight and has always struggled, I needed to hear that I can be me and that's okay.
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- Elizabeth J Grogan
- 10-02-22
Important book for everyone
Sometimes it's painful to face the truth, but these truths are important for all of us to hear and take to heart. I recommend this book to anyone...and everyone.
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- Nametags
- 01-06-23
Necessary “read” for all
I fell in love with Aubrey thanks to her podcast Maitenence Phase. When promoting her new book, this one was mentioned in conversation. I finally decided to dive in and I am glad I did. Personally I am a small fat (ranging from a size 16 to 20 depending on the brand) so I know that I exist in a much more privileged experience than what is being mentioned in this book. However, the struggles I have faced were not only illuminated in this book, but expanded upon how they affect people much larger than me. Everyone - but especially thin people- need to read this book and fully absorb this experience and reality.
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- Kindle Customer
- 01-19-23
Excellent!!!
I have been listening to Aubrey’s podcast Maintenance Phase and she had an episode about her new book. I went looking for it and I found this one that was older so I decided that I wanted to read it first.
I am so glad I did. It was so wonderful to listen to!! Thank you Aubrey! Now to go listen to the new book!!!
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- Savvy shopper
- 01-09-23
Enlightening
Thank you for writing this book, Aubrey. I learned so much about the toxic messaging I’ve given to others and myself. I appreciate the work you have done for fat activism. Your voice will help to reduce the trauma done to others.
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- lc
- 09-04-23
A Game Changer
This book changed my whole perspective on myself as someone recovering from an ED. I am so grateful that I can live my life without so much internalized fatphobia and restrictive eating. This book is packed with so much good research but never gets dry. It's engaging from the first page to the last. I'll never forget the impact this book has had on my life.
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- madison wiegand
- 02-20-24
a great read for anyone working in health care or “wellness,” & anyone who’s ever been on a diet
well researched and personal. easy to understand with a clear call to action. empathetic and convincing. this book should change how you treat others and yourself
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