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It's Not You
Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
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Narrated by:
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Ramani Durvasula PhD
About this listen
INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism
AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.
Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.
Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.
©2024 Ramani Durvasula (P)2024 Penguin AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.”–Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast
“Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.”–Maria Shriver
“In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.”–W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic
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Mel Robbins is back! The international bestselling phenomenon and creator of The Five Second Rule and Kick Ass with Mel Robbins returns to help you tackle the single biggest obstacle you face: fear. This life-changing Audible Original features a powerful mix of one-on-one life-coaching sessions and a personal narrative with vital take-aways that you can start using immediately.
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It’s 2006. After a string of rejections from men who tell her they could never, ever, ever see her “that way,” awkward third-grade teacher Micaela Blei signs up for a mysterious course called “The Divine Feminine,” and feels like she might have found the key to the perfect life. Turns out if you’re an A student, you can get an A in anything–including men. Pretty soon she’s learning to "conjure" her desires with vision boards, flirtations, and even a daring jumbotron viewing party for her, ahem ... "divine center."
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A lack of quality sleep can hinder your alertness and quality of life while awake, as anyone with sleeping issues already knows. Suffering through sleepless nights does not have to be your reality. Instead you can fall asleep fast and get quality sleep tonight and every night. Hypnosis has been used for centuries to cure many ailments, including the inability to get better sleep. You can help yourself improve the quality of your life with hypnotherapy.
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put me right to sleep
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The world’s leading high-performance coach and multiple New York Times best-selling author Brendon Burchard delivers the six habits of personal growth that will help you create the life of your dreams. Forged from Brendon Burchard’s personal experiences, data from his GrowthDay app, and his many years as a high-performance coach, The 6 Habits of Growth presents the tools you need to construct the life of your dreams.
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By cutting out the noise and providing a clear and proven plan, this road map helps even brand-new entrepreneurs make decisions quickly, get their product up for sale, and launch it to a crowd that is ready and waiting to buy. This one-year plan will guide you through the three stages to your first $1 million: the Grind (months 0-4), the Growth (months 5-8), and the Gold (months 9-12). If your goal is to be a full-time entrepreneur, get ready for one chaotic, stressful, and rewarding year. If you have the guts to complete it, you will be the proud owner of a million-dollar business.
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Why have history's greatest minds - from George Washington to Frederick the Great to Ralph Waldo Emerson along with today's top performers, from Super Bowl-winning football coaches to CEOs and celebrities - embraced the wisdom of the ancient Stoics? Because they realize that the most valuable wisdom is timeless and that philosophy is for living a better life, not a classroom exercise. The Daily Stoic offers a daily devotional of Stoic insights and exercises, featuring all-new translations.
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Not well made as audio
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F*ck Him!
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The MANipulator manual. Keep your man interested and begging for more without playing games. So many women get in trouble in their love lives, and 99.9 percent of that trouble could have been avoided if they'd said "Well, f**k him!" a bit more often. Too many women are way too nice and compliant to their men, especially when these men don't deserve that kind of treatment. I, as a dating coach and author of books for women who want to get men, cannot take it anymore.
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...
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Self Help
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Are you ready to unlock the greatest resource of your life? Gabby Bernstein has written the ultimate self-help guide, offering a revolutionary practice to radically shift your core beliefs and connect you to an infallible inner guidance system: the energy of Self within you. In this groundbreaking book, Gabby demystifies the power of Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, taking its life-changing teachings out of the therapist’s office and into your everyday life.
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Self Serving
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Have you ever wondered "Why did I do that?" or "Why can't I just control my behavior?" Others may judge our reactions and think, "What's wrong with that person?" When questioning our emotions, it's easy to place the blame on ourselves; holding ourselves and those around us to an impossible standard. It's time we started asking a different question. Through deeply personal conversations, Oprah Winfrey and renowned brain and trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry offer a groundbreaking and profound shift from asking “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”
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The psychopath carefully selects the most indifferent and heartbreaking way imaginable to abandon you. They destroy you as a way to reassure themselves. Psychopath Free will help you out of the darkness so that you can begin making better choices that will forever alter the course of your life. So say farewell to love triangles, cryptic letters, self-doubt, and manufactured anxiety. You are no longer a pawn in the mind games of a psychopath. You are free.
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Be kind to yourself and read this book.
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Covert Narcissism
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Covert narcissism is a hidden and concealed form of narcissism, making it all the more difficult for the abuser to be confronted or "outed" for their behavior. Covert narcissism is a passive-aggressive, hostile, and toxic form of abuse that makes victims feel hopeless, unheard, hurt, and confused by the abusers' behavior.
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Good
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Disarming the Narcissist (Third Edition)
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Makes me dislike Narcissists even more!
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What listeners say about It's Not You
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- CarolynB
- 03-01-24
I was finally able to understand what happened for me in my marriage with a covert narcissistic man.
I loved that it was written for the person being manipulated not about the manipulator.
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4 people found this helpful
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- by jake
- 03-13-24
Dr Ramani is paving the way!
Dr Ramani is the voice to what so many of us have endured for years, without understanding what we it was we were going thru. Kudos to her for having the guts to stand her ground within her own field. I particularly appreciated hearing that in order to heal, we don’t always have to “forgive” our abuser bc certain things are unforgivable. Keep up the great work Dr Ramani!
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1 person found this helpful
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- Amazon Customer
- 03-20-24
Excellent
The narrator did a GREAT job of speaking to you. It was like a personal therapy session. Finally..someone who explained things so I could finally get it..
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- Danny Martin
- 03-13-24
How my life will be forever changed
This book helped me understand my relationship and provided me the tools to be happy again :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤️
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- Khooks
- 03-15-24
Look in the mirror
I feel that this book has a powerful message for all that are dealing with a narcissist.
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- Amanda Etienne
- 03-23-24
Spot-on
A very thorough and accurate analysis of the devastating effects of narcissism, and a practical approach toward a hopeful future
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- Sharon C.
- 03-08-24
Honest, Humble and Helpful!
Thank you for writing this book to help those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse. I love the quote “ the story of the hunt told by the lion”. 
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- Christina
- 03-13-24
Powerful yet peaceful
I plan on keeping this read in my back pocket. Her words and gentle tone truly drive home the healing process and empowered me to carry on with further healing and so much clarity. Thank you
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- RI-gal
- 03-30-24
In-depth helpful way to navigate life w or w/o Narcissists
This book provides such a fantastic understanding of what a person who has experienced narcissistic abuse, can expect in learning how to survive whether choosing to stay with a narcissist or to leave.
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- Tennessee M Marcelo
- 04-28-24
Beyond Grateful
I am deeply grateful for the work you have done on this topic. By naming the myriad emotions I experience from having multiple narcissistic individuals in my life, this book brings hope, courage, compassion, and understanding to my life. Thank you!
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