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Out of the Fog
Moving from Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse
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Narrated by:
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Dana Morningstar
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By:
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Dana Morningstar
About this listen
The FOG is an acronym that stands for "Fear, Obligation, and Guilt". These three emotions are often how narcissists, sociopaths, and other types of emotional manipulators go about controlling others.
However, this type of destructive manipulation isn't just limited to narcissists and sociopaths. There is no shortage of people with well-intended bad advice out there who unintentionally fall into the FOG as well and push targets of abuse into keeping the relationship going.
The FOG is one of the main reasons that people stay "stuck" in abusive relationships for so long, why they continue to get involved with abusive people, why they feel they are the problem, and why they tend to feel that the abuse is somehow their fault. When a person is being manipulated, they have a hard time figuring out who has the problem, what is normal, what is problematic, and if their wants, needs, and feelings are valid. The disastrous effects of being lost in the FOG are confusion, crazy-making, people-pleasing, and an erosion of boundaries. What makes this well-intended bad advice so damaging is that, on the surface, it seems like good advice - especially if it's coming from people who seem to have our best interests in mind, such as friends, family, church members, support-group members, or a therapist.
Some examples of this well-intended bad advice that comes from other people is: "Who are you to judge?", "No one is perfect", "You need to forgive them", "She's your mother, you need to have a relationship with her...she's not getting any younger you know", and "Commitment is forever".
This audiobook dives into these and other commonly confused topics such as:
- "Who are you to judge" vs. being discerning
- "You need to forgive them" vs. keeping yourself safe
- A parent vs. a predator
- Commitment vs. codependency
- Self-love vs. selfishness
- A person acting the part vs. a person actually changing
- Gut instincts vs. hypervigilance
- A friend vs. someone being friendly
- Caring vs. caretaking
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In this important sequel to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, author Lindsay Gibson offers powerful tools to help you step back and protect yourself at the first sign of an emotional takeover, make sure your emotions and needs are respected, and break free from the coercive control of emotionally immature parents.
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Asinine
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Power
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Pathological mind games. Covert and overt put-downs. Triangulation. Gaslighting. Projection. These are the manipulative tactics survivors of malignant narcissists are unfortunately all too familiar with. As victims of silent crimes where the perpetrators are rarely held accountable, survivors of narcissistic abuse have lived in a war zone of epic proportions, enduring an abuse cycle of love-bombing and devaluation - psychological violence on steroids.
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A “Powerful” book
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Toxic Parents
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In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents---and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.
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Its worth a listen.
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Loving People
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Best-selling author Dr. John Townsend teaches you that love can actually be learned and gives you the steps and tools to become skilled in love. Using his trademark stories to flesh out the important principles, Dr. Townsend covers receiving love, connecting love, healing love, confronting love, romantic love, and surrendering love. Through his teaching, listeners will discover - and start enjoying - the words, actions, and experiences of authentic love.
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Very insightful
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12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone
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Allen Berger, PhD, draws on the teachings of Bill W. and psychotherapy pioneers to offer 12 hallmarks of emotional sobriety that, when practiced, give people the confidence to be accountable for their behavior, ask for what they want and need, and grow and develop a deeper trust in the process of life. These smart things include: understanding who you are and what's important to you; learning not to take others' reactions personally; trusting your inner compass; and taking responsibility for your reactions to problematic situations.
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Rich exploration and application of ES principles
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12 Stupid Things That Mess Up Recovery
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To grow in recovery, we must grow up emotionally. This means getting honest with ourselves and facing up to the self-defeating thoughts and actions that put our sobriety at risk. Although there are as many ways to mess up recovery as there are alcoholics and addicts, some general themes exist, which include: confusing self-concern with selfishness; not making amends; using the program to try to become perfect; not getting help for relationship troubles; and believing that life should be easy. Allen Berger explores the 12 most commonly confronted beliefs and attitudes that can sabotage recovery.
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Hilarious and True...the humor helps us to earnestly reflect inward. Very powerful. Thank you!
- By Tabitha Thornhill on 10-25-24
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When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder
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Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult - but it’s still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as the tools you need to start your own recovery process.
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Great advice IF you decide to or must continue a relationship with someone with BPD
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The No Contact Rule
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You're trying to get over your ex, yet you're still in touch and have ended up being his or her backup plan. Maybe you haven't left yet, but you want to and just don't know how. Maybe you're tired of doing the lather, rinse, repeat of getting back together and winding up back at square one. It's time to cut contact. The No Contact Rule is an inspiring guide to extinguishing the temptation to stay in touch or to keep engaging, helping you to reclaim your sense of self and move on to a healthier relationship.
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I can not recomment this book highly enough!
- By Amazon Customer on 02-14-17
By: Natalie Lue
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What listeners say about Out of the Fog
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- Alexandria Filipowski
- 10-23-19
THE best book I’ve ever read on the subject
I’ve read so many books on narcissism and abuse through my journey of healing, however, this has been one of THE best.
Throughout the relationship with my emotionally abusive partner, I read countless books on personality disorders and narcissism, hoping that the books would help me diagnose my partner as to validate my reasons for leaving.
This book, although I have read it a week after going no contact with my now abusive ex, has helped me to recognize that I don’t, and never did, have to give someone a clinical diagnosis to recognize and accept that the behavior and treatment was just... not okay. Plain and simple.
I truly believe that everyone should read this book regardless of whether you have been in an abusive romantic relationship. This book can help you understand your own patterns, how to create boundaries in general, and recognize when others (coworkers, bosses, family members, friends) are treating you poorly regardless of whether you recognize it in this moment.
Thank you for, quite literally, helping to save my life.
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49 people found this helpful
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- Dennis
- 06-21-19
This book helped me more than any of my others!
Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! 1st of all I want You to know That I am a married man And that man suffer this as well, Even though most of the examples women I think that is because man afraid to be open about it because it is embarrassing. I can't see now that my whole marriage has been like this from the very beginning of us dating . I saw so many red flags I cannot believe I did not see what was going on but I clearly do now, So Sad so many years wasted 17 actually. I can also see that I had my own emotional issues before our relationship which caused me to me us they red flags. I don't know whatI will do now I just know that something has to be done I cannot live like this any longer, Enough said. Again thank you so much for clarifying so many things for me.
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7 people found this helpful
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- Dusty Tsalkova
- 08-21-20
Concrete and Educational
I continue to read through books about personality disorders and the relationship fallout from being connected with these people. At first, this book wasn’t giving me much new information. But as the chapters went on, it offered me two really valuable things. First, it offered me many stories from people who had been through these situations, including a few who had been through it in friendships (it’s hard to find literature covering abusive friendships). Second, it offered a lot of explanation of terms. For example, it defined what a healthy friendship is and is not. It contrasts a lot of terms it explains, too, like, “Boundaries versus fortressing,” or “Partner versus target,” etc. It explained the concept of “fleas” (problematic behaviors that abuse victims may have picked up from abusers that can be gotten rid of with careful attention, as opposed to “catching narcissism” or thinking you’ve become the same as the abuser) and introduced many other concepts I found helpful. Frankly, this is a good book to read whether you’ve been through an abusive relationship or not, because it’s also an educational tool for people looking for good friends or trying to enter the dating pool. I strongly recommend this book as a good read for emotional and social education.
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4 people found this helpful
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- Michael
- 11-19-19
Must read after Narcissist abuse
This is a must read after narcissistic abuse. This book helps give you insight and will answer that question if the relationship is worth saving because your dealing with a troubled person or a narcissist person. Toxic is toxic and you don't need proof. I needed this book in so many ways. This book will give you clarity where all others fall short. Thank you. I want to meet this Lucy lady one day.
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2 people found this helpful
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- jcox629
- 01-21-23
Exactly what I needed
Coming out of an abusive relationship can be difficult and sometimes even harder when emotional abuse is present. On the outside everything looks perfect so you begin to feel as if you are overreacting and this book allowed me to see that what I experienced was actual abuse and allowed me to see that I am doing the right thing by protecting myself and my children. This book was a perfect first step in my healing journey.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Booklover127
- 09-16-19
Such a helpful book!
This book answered so many of my questions. It was very helpful to read. Lots of fine points were noted.
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- Derl
- 12-21-20
Definitely Worth the Read
I love the content, the style, the tone of the author’s voice. I really and truly recommend this book.
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- Kimberly Finnegan
- 05-04-20
Must Read for Anyone Impacted by Narcissists!
Excellent book. Not too clinical, but clinical enough to explain why narcissists do what they do. The real life examples were awesome.
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- Cherith L.
- 02-04-20
Awesome book
So helpful. It was like listening to the story of my life. So much great insight. I really gained a ton from this. A must read for anyone who has experience any kind of abuse.
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- jess
- 01-20-22
Thank you for clarity and the ability to heal.
Despite the fact that I am 57 years old and a licensed clinical social worker for most of my adult life I could not see the abuse in my own relationships with narcissists until reading this book. I was still blaming myself. Despite the fact that I could see clearly the manipulation and gaslighting that was occurring in other abusive relationships I still blamed myself in my own. Thank you Dana Morningstar for the gift of clarity.
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