No Country for Old Gnomes
The Tales of Pell, Book 2
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Narrated by:
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Luke Daniels
About this listen
Go big or go gnome. The New York Times best-selling authors of Kill the Farm Boy welcome you to the world of Pell, the irreverent fantasy universe that recalls Monty Python and Terry Pratchett.
"A complete delight, as fluffy and fun as The Lego Movie and as heartfelt as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone." (Locus)
War is coming, and it’s gonna be Pell.
On one side stand the gnomes: smol, cheerful, possessing tidy cardigans and no taste for cruelty.
On the other side sit the halflings, proudly astride their war alpacas, carrying bags of grenades and hungry for a fight. And pretty much anything else.
It takes only one halfling bomb, and Offi Numminen’s world is turned upside-down - or downside-up, really, since he lives in a hole in the ground. His goth cardigans and aggressive melancholy set him apart from the other gnomes, as does his decision to fight back against their halfling oppressors. Suddenly Offi is the leader of a band of lovable misfits and outcasts - from a gryphon who would literally kill for omelets to a young dwarf herbalist who is better with bees than with his cudgel to an assertive and cheerful teen witch with a beard as long as her book of curses - all on a journey to the Toot Towers to confront the dastardly villain intent on tearing Pell asunder. These adventurers never fit in anywhere else, but as they become friends, fight mermaids, and get really angry at this one raccoon, they learn that there’s nothing more heroic than being yourself.
In No Country for Old Gnomes, Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne lovingly tweak the tropes of fantasy and fairy tales. Here you’ll find goofy jokes and whimsical puns, but you’ll also find a diverse, feminist, and lighthearted approach to fantasy that will bring a smile to your face and many fine cheeses to your plate.
©2019 Kevin Hearne and Delilah S. Dawson (P)2019 Random House AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“Hilarious...Dawson and Hearne present another puntastic adventure set in the universe of their Tales of Pell series [with] laugh-out-loud trials, tribulations, and wanderings of a completely new band of endearing eccentrics.” (Booklist)
“No Country For Old Gnomes is good fun, full of laughs, clever details, and characters...in whom you may see a little of yourself.” (Elitist Book Reviews)
“[A] hilarious new fantasy comedy.” (Bustle)
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- Narrated by: Billie Fulford-Brown
- Length: 8 hrs and 36 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
After escaping a harsh school where punishment was the lesson of the day, 17-year-old Louisa Ditton is thrilled to find employment as a maid at a boardinghouse. But soon after her arrival at Coldthistle House, Louisa begins to realize that the house's mysterious owner, Mr. Morningside, is providing much more than lodging for his guests. Far from a place of rest, the house is a place of judgment, and Mr. Morningside and his unusual staff are meant to execute their own justice on those who are past being saved.
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One of the characters is Satan..lots of the occult
- By Angela Briggs on 07-25-19
By: Madeleine Roux
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The Bitches of Everafter
- The Everafter Series, Book 1
- By: Barbra Annino
- Narrated by: Erin Fossa
- Length: 7 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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These are not the mild-mannered maidens of your childhood. These are fallen princesses and fierce women with no recollection of who they are, where they came from, or how they arrived in a mysterious town called Everafter. All they know is that they've been sentenced to a stretch in a half-way house by a malicious judge with an ax to grind. They've been stripped of their freedom, their kingdoms, and their true loves. Now, they have nothing left to lose.
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Good Idea, Bad execution
- By A.J. Amendolara on 04-26-15
By: Barbra Annino
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The Fate's Forsaken Omnibus
- Books 1-2 and Prequel Novella
- By: Shae Ford
- Narrated by: Derek Perkins
- Length: 37 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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Books 1, 2, and the prequel novella of the Fate's Forsaken series. The series follows the adventures of Kael: a young man who is thrust from his home in the Unforgivable Mountains and onto a hero's path. The journey is long, the battles are fierce - nearly all of his companions are outlaws. And Kael's rotten bad luck seems to make everything worse. This is his story.
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Fantasy with light romance
- By Skipper on 09-23-15
By: Shae Ford
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The Cabinet of Wonders
- The Kronos Chronicles: Book I
- By: Marie Rutkoski
- Narrated by: Lorelei King
- Length: 7 hrs and 9 mins
- Unabridged
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Petra Kronos has a simple, happy life. But it's never been ordinary. She has a pet tin spider named Astrophil who likes to hide in her snarled hair and give her advice. Her best friend can trap lightning inside a glass sphere. Petra also has a father in faraway Prague who is able to move metal with his mind. Petra's life is forever changed when, one day, her father returns home - blind.
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It was okay
- By Robbin Sutherland on 05-29-12
By: Marie Rutkoski
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The Frog Princess
- By: E. D. Baker
- Narrated by: Katherine Kellgren
- Length: 5 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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Princess Emma will do just about anything to get out of marrying the self-centered Prince Jorge. So when she meets a frog named Eadric who claims, of course, to be a prince, she decides to give him a kiss and see what happens. Bad idea. The frog stays a frog, and worse still, Emma turns into a frog herself. It turns out only the person who cast the spell can break it, so Emma and Eadric are soon hopping along trying to find the witch who can make them human again.
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Enjoyable for the whole family
- By Queenoid on 11-08-06
By: E. D. Baker
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Castle Hangnail
- By: Ursula Vernon
- Narrated by: Tara Sands
- Length: 7 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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When Molly shows up on Castle Hangnail's doorstep to fill the vacancy for a wicked witch, the castle's minions are understandably dubious. After all, she is 12 years old, barely five feet tall, and quite polite. (The minions are used to tall, demanding evil sorceresses with razor-sharp cheekbones.) But the castle desperately needs a master, or else the Board of Magic will decommission it, leaving all the minions without the home they love.
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A great romp you shouldn't leave to just the kids
- By Elisabeth Carey on 02-08-16
By: Ursula Vernon
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DragonSpell
- DragonKeeper Chronicles, Book 1
- By: Donita K. Paul
- Narrated by: Ellen Grafton
- Length: 11 hrs and 11 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
Once a slave girl in the village of River Away, Kale is freed when she discovers a dragon's egg. She is given the unexpected opportunity to journey to the great walled city of Vendala to become a servant to Paladin. Yet this young girl has much to learn about the difference between slavery and service.
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I'm Enthralled by Donita K. Paul & Audible Books!
- By Sharri Lorraine on 09-21-11
By: Donita K. Paul
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Enchanted
- The Woodcutter Sisters, Book 1
- By: Alethea Kontis
- Narrated by: Katherine Kellgren
- Length: 7 hrs and 46 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
It isn’t easy being Sunday’s child, not when you’re the rather overlooked and unhappy youngest sibling to sisters named for the other six days of the week. Sunday’s only comfort is writing stories, although what she writes has a terrible tendency to come true. When Sunday meets an enchanted frog who asks about her stories, the two become friends. Soon that friendship deepens into something magical. One night, Sunday kisses her frog goodbye and leaves, not realizing that her love has transformed him....
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Charming... Enchanting
- By The Gabbards on 07-03-12
By: Alethea Kontis
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Tess of the Road
- By: Rachel Hartman
- Narrated by: Katharine Lee McEwan
- Length: 16 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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In the medieval kingdom of Goredd, women are expected to be ladies, men are their protectors, and dragons can be whomever they choose. Tess is none of these things. Tess is...different. She speaks out of turn, has wild ideas, and can't seem to keep out of trouble. Then Tess goes too far. Tess's family decide the only path for her is a nunnery. But on the day she is to join the nuns, Tess chooses a different path for herself. She cuts her hair, pulls on her boots, and sets out on a journey. She's not running away, she's running towards something.
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Beautiful and Boring, Both.
- By Ryan on 04-05-19
By: Rachel Hartman
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Storybound
- By: Marissa Burt
- Narrated by: Elizabeth Evans
- Length: 9 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
When Una Fairchild stumbles upon a mysterious book buried deep in the basement of her school library, she thinks nothing of opening the cover and diving in. But instead of paging through a regular novel, Una suddenly finds herself Written In to the land of Story - a world filled with Heroes and Villains and fairy-tale characters. But not everything in Story is as magical as it seems. Una must figure out why she has been Written In - and fast - before anyone else discovers her secret. Together with her new friend Peter and a talking cat named Sam, Una digs deep into Story's shadowy past.
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Okay story about wandering into a fairy tale
- By Karissa Eckert on 11-13-14
By: Marissa Burt
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Oz Reimagined
- New Tales from the Emerald City and Beyond
- By: Douglas Cohen - editor, John Joseph Adams - editor
- Narrated by: Nick Podehl, Tanya Eby
- Length: 10 hrs and 30 mins
- Unabridged
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When L. Frank Baum introduced Dorothy and friends to the American public in 1900, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz became an instant, best-selling hit. Today the whimsical tale remains a cultural phenomenon that continues to spawn wildly popular books, movies, and musicals. Now, editors John Joseph Adams and Douglas Cohen have brought together leading fantasy writers such as Orson Scott Card and Jane Yolen to create the ultimate anthology for Oz fans.
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The Many Faces of Dorothy or Dot
- By Jim "The Impatient" on 07-19-14
By: Douglas Cohen - editor, and others
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The Book of Magic
- By: Gardner Dozois - editor, Scott Lynch, Elizabeth Bear, and others
- Narrated by: Karissa Vacker, Sile Bermingham, Maxwell Caulfield, and others
- Length: 24 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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Hot on the heels of Gardner Dozois's acclaimed anthology The Book of Swords comes this companion volume devoted to magic. How could it be otherwise? For every Frodo, there is a Gandalf... and a Saruman. For every Dorothy, a Glinda... and a Wicked Witch of the West. What would Harry Potter be without Albus Dumbledore... and Severus Snape? Figures of wisdom and power, possessing arcane, often forbidden knowledge, wizards and sorcerers are shaped - or misshaped - by the potent magic they seek to wield.
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some stinkers mostly good
- By M.T. on 12-11-18
By: Gardner Dozois - editor, and others
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The Luck Uglies
- By: Paul Durham
- Narrated by: Fiona Hardingham
- Length: 8 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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Strange things are happening in Village Drowning, and a terrifying encounter has 11-year-old Rye O'Chanter convinced that the monstrous, supposedly extinct Bog Noblins have returned. Now Rye's only hope is an exiled secret society so notorious its name can't be spoken aloud: The Luck Uglies. As Rye dives into Village Drowning's maze of secrets, rules, and lies, she'll discover the truth behind the village's legends of outlaws and beasts…and that it may take a villain to save them from the monsters.
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Wonderful story
- By Elicia on 07-05-16
By: Paul Durham
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Charm is a witch, and she is alone. The last of a line of conquered necromantic workers, now confined within the yard of regrown bone trees at Orchard House, and the secrets of their marrow. Charm is a prisoner, and a survivor. Charm tends the trees and their clattering fruit for the sake of her children, painstakingly grown and regrown with its fruit: Shame, Justice, Desire, Pride, and Pain. Charm is a whore, and a madam. The wealthy and powerful of Borenguard come to her house to buy time with the girls who aren't real.
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When Russ Wesley finds an unusual artifact in his grandfather’s collection of rare antiquities, the last thing he expects is for it to draw the attention of a ferocious alien from a distant planet. Equally surprising is the adventurous team of intergalactic exterminators dispatched to deal with the alien threat. They’re a little wild, and a little reckless. Worse yet, they’re so impressed with Russ’s marksmanship that they insist he join their squad . . . whether he wants to or not.
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Steamborn: The Complete Trilogy Box Set
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An Incredible Ride!!
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Dead Even
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Sara Tate, a Manhattan assistant DA, is on the brink of losing her job. But then she takes a case that may be able to secure her future. Trouble is, it’s much more complicated—and deadly—than it initially appears. While forces within her own office plot against her, an outside threat takes things to another level: Win the case or her attorney husband, Jared, will die. But Jared has received threats, too. Forced to defend the opposition, he learns that, if loses the case, Sara will be killed. Caught in a struggle of emotions and shocking betrayals, both must face the unthinkable.
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Audibile is re-releasing old Meltzer novels
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The Healer's Way
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I was the most powerful healer in my world—the best, having devoted my entire life to mastering the art of healing. And yet, for whatever reason, my brother feared that I sought to claim his throne, and he marshaled his forces against me.
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You and me both
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It began on New Year’s Eve. The sickness came on suddenly, and spread quickly. The fear spread even faster. Within weeks, everything people counted on began to fail them. The electrical grid sputtered; law and government collapsed - and more than half of the world’s population was decimated. Where there had been order, there was now chaos. And as the power of science and technology receded, magick rose up in its place.
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What listeners say about No Country for Old Gnomes
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Brandi
- 01-02-20
only 5 stars
the worst part is that I can only give this narrator 5 stars. He brought this fun and engaging story to life like no one else could.
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- LinZ
- 01-03-22
Fun, Clever Writing
Apparently this is the type of humor I like! There were times I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. The references and play-on-words is a load of fun! I appreciate cleaver writing like that! Can get a bit crude at times, but not as bad as I thought it would be from other reviews (or maybe I'm just desensitized, I don't know).
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- Andrea
- 07-29-22
What I needed in 2022
All three books in this series are something I have read At least once a year since I found them - the pins, the fantasy, the inclusivity it is all so well done and fresh - please write more together and thank you for these books ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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- Erica L. Jones-Revilla
- 05-23-24
Another great!
They did it again! Perfect narration, thoroughly entertaining story, the works! Do yourself a favor and take some time to enjoy this book and this series.
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- Erin Koepplinger
- 05-01-19
Fantastical tale!
Another knock-it-out-of-park collaboration between Kevin and Luke. A great story brought to life by the narration. I was sad when it ended. A++++
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- Necdoo
- 04-15-24
No Country for Old Gnomes - audible
The plot was interesting. The characters are well developed and likable. Even the bad ones are interesting. The author mixes in some humor. The narrator did a wonderful job. Overall, a great book. I look forward to the authors next book.
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- Joshua Buster
- 05-23-24
fun and funny
I really enjoyed "Kill the Farm boy", but this was genuinely better in every way.
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- zoe
- 11-15-24
Excellent listen. If you love to laugh you need this book.
Made me laugh so hard. Definitely my new favorite authors. Can't wait to see whats next.
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- Aleysha
- 04-26-19
fun and full of sillyness
I enjoyed this book. It is very well writen and the story and characters are engaging and Luke Daniels reads it beautifully. It is light funny and enjoyable. It made me chortle a few times and it It even made me cry a bit.
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- Jjsthing1
- 06-16-19
Even more delightful than the first in this series, I never wanted it to end!
A wonderful romp through new parts of Pell, with new friends to meet and adventures to be had. Luke Daniels is at his amusing best, with puns and tongue twisters at every turn. Can barely wait to listen to the last edition this Fall!
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