
Kill the Farm Boy
The Tales of Pell Series, Book 1
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Narrated by:
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Luke Daniels
About this listen
In an irreverent series in the tradition of Monty Python, the best-selling authors of the Iron Druid Chronicles and Star Wars: Phasma reinvent fantasy, fairy tales, and floridly written feast scenes.
"Ranks among the best of Christopher Moore and Terry Pratchett." (Chuck Wendig)
"When you put two authors of this high caliber together, expect fireworks. Or at least laughs. What a hoot!" (Terry Brooks)
Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a hero, the Chosen One, was born...and so begins every fairy tale ever told. This is not that fairy tale. There is a Chosen One, but he is unlike any One who has ever been Chosened. And there is a faraway kingdom, but you have never been to a magical world quite like the land of Pell. There, a plucky farm boy will find more than he's bargained for on his quest to awaken the sleeping princess in her cursed tower.
First there's the Dark Lord, who wishes for the boy's untimely death...and also very fine cheese. Then there's a bard without a song in her heart but with a very adorable and fuzzy tail, an assassin who fears not the night but is terrified of chickens, and a mighty fighter more frightened of her sword than of her chain-mail bikini. This journey will lead to sinister umlauts, a trash-talking goat, the Dread Necromancer Steve, and a strange and wondrous journey to the most peculiar "happily ever after" that ever once-upon-a-timed.
Praise for Kill the Farm Boy:
"A rollicking fantasy adventure that upends numerous genre tropes in audacious style...a laugh-out-loud-funny fusion of Monty Python-esque humor and whimsy a la Terry Pratchett's Discworld." (Kirkus Reviews)
“Dawson and Hearne’s reimagining of a traditional fairy tale is reminiscent of William Goldman’s The Princess Bride and William Steig’s Shrek! Irreverent, funny, and full of entertaining wordplay, this will keep readers guessing until the end.” (Library Journal)
"Will have you laughing out loud until strangers begin to look at you oddly." (SyFy)
"A smart comedy...nuanced, complicated, and human." (Tordotcom)
"[Delilah Dawson and Kevin Hearne] make fun of the typical 'white male power fantasies,' and in that, they succeed, with their heroes all characters of color and/or falling somewhere under the LGBTQ umbrella." (Publishers Weekly)
©2018 Kevin Hearne and Delilah S. Dawson (P)2018 Random House AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
"When you put two authors of this high caliber together, expect fireworks. Or at least laughs. What a hoot!" (New York Times bestselling author Terry Brooks)
"Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne have rigged up an absurdly funny fantasy riff on the Chosen One story, and it had me laughing from literally the name of the first chapter Kill the Farm Boy ranks among the best of Christopher Moore and Terry Pratchett and is not to be missed." (Chuck Wendig)
Editorial Review
But first, let us appreciate this tag line Once. A pun. A time.
As one who unabashedly flocks to any story with even a whiff of eau de chosen one, my bookish senses were tingling as soon as I heard Kill the Farm Boy would be the one chosen one story to rule them all (and make fun of them all). Add to that the fact that it’s written by Kevin Hearne and Delilah S. Dawson—and narrated by Luke Daniels—and this book catapulted to the top of my list of summer listens I’m hyped about. Here it is: imagine The Princess Bride if Westley never met Buttercup, and if maybe he ran into Donkey from Shrek instead. There are shenanigans and adventures to be had in equal amounts, and all in all, it’s riddikulus. —Melissa B., Audible Editor
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- Length: 7 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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These are not the mild-mannered maidens of your childhood. These are fallen princesses and fierce women with no recollection of who they are, where they came from, or how they arrived in a mysterious town called Everafter. All they know is that they've been sentenced to a stretch in a half-way house by a malicious judge with an ax to grind. They've been stripped of their freedom, their kingdoms, and their true loves. Now, they have nothing left to lose.
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Good Idea, Bad execution
- By A.J. Amendolara on 04-26-15
By: Barbra Annino
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Tales of the Great Beasts (Spirit Animals: Special Edition)
- By: Brandon Mull
- Narrated by: Nicola Barber
- Length: 5 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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Long before they were spirit animals, the four were still legends - Great Beasts, the most powerful beings to roam the wilds of Erdas. Aided by a brave resistance of humans and animals, they gave their lives to protect the world from a threat more dangerous than any it had seen before: their own kind. Wise and cunning, gentle and ruthless, these are tales of the true heroes and villains in the war that started it all.
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review from 9 y/o daughter
- By Ellie on 01-08-17
By: Brandon Mull
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The Infernal City
- Elder Scrolls Series #1
- By: Greg Keyes
- Narrated by: Michael Page
- Length: 8 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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Four decades after the Oblivion Crisis, Tamriel is threatened anew by an ancient and all-consuming evil. It is Umbriel, a floating city that casts a terrifying shadow-for wherever it falls, people die and rise again. And it is in Umbriel's shadow that a great adventure begins and a group of unlikely heroes meet. A legendary prince with a secret. A spy on the trail of a vast conspiracy. A mage obsessed with his desire for revenge. And Annaïg, a young girl in whose hands the fate of Tamriel may rest.
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Umbriel is coming
- By Brenden Zapp on 02-01-13
By: Greg Keyes
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The Sword-Edged Blonde
- By: Alex Bledsoe
- Narrated by: Stefan Rudnicki
- Length: 8 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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It should have been a case like any other: a missing princess, a king willing to pay in gold for her return. But before he realizes it, private investigator Eddie LaCrosse, a slightly shopworn sword jockey with a talent for discretion and detection, is swept up in a web of mystery and deceit involving a brutally murdered royal heir, a queen accused of an unspeakable crime, and the tragic past he thought he'd left behind.
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No Redeeming Qualities
- By MightyMite68 on 09-27-20
By: Alex Bledsoe
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The Goose Girl
- Book One of the Books of Bayern
- By: Shannon Hale
- Narrated by: Cynthia Bishop
- Length: 10 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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Princess Anidori-Kiladra of Kildenree was born with a word on her tongue, and a secret magic. Though she is raised in luxury, she is never quite comfortable with who she is, or what she is to become. Then she is sent on a journey to marry an unknown prince. The trip is difficult, and before it is finished all her expectations are overturned. Alone, friendless, stripped of her crown and her title, Ani must learn to make her own path in the world. Along the way, she just might learn to be a princess.
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Surprisingly Good!
- By Douglas on 01-08-14
By: Shannon Hale
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The Adventurers Guild
- The Adventurers Guild Trilogy, Book 1
- By: Zack Loran Clark, Nick Eliopulos
- Narrated by: Johnny Heller
- Length: 6 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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In one of the last cities standing after the world fell to monsters, best friends Zed Kagari and Brock Dunderfel have high hopes for the future. Zed desperately wishes to join the ranks of the Mages Guild, where his status as Freestone's only half-elf might finally be an asset. Brock, the roguishly handsome son of merchants, is confident he'll be welcomed into the ranks of the Merchants Guild. But just as it seems the boys' dreams have come true, their lives take a startling turn...and they find themselves members of the perilous Adventurers Guild.
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Well written and well read.
- By Reviewer on 05-22-19
By: Zack Loran Clark, and others
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Iron Axe
- The Books of Blood and Iron, Book 1
- By: Steven Harper
- Narrated by: P. J. Ochlan
- Length: 13 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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In this brand new series from the author of the Clockwork Empire series, a hopeless outcast must answer Death's call and embark on an epic adventure... Although Danr's mother was human, his father was one of the hated Stane, a troll from the mountains. Now Danr has nothing to look forward to but a life of disapproval and mistrust, answering to "Trollboy" and condemned to hard labor on a farm. Until, without warning, strange creatures come down from the mountains to attack the village.
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I DON'T WANT YOU TO FOLLOW ME,
- By Jim "The Impatient" on 07-22-17
By: Steven Harper
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Enchanted
- The Woodcutter Sisters, Book 1
- By: Alethea Kontis
- Narrated by: Katherine Kellgren
- Length: 7 hrs and 46 mins
- Unabridged
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It isn’t easy being Sunday’s child, not when you’re the rather overlooked and unhappy youngest sibling to sisters named for the other six days of the week. Sunday’s only comfort is writing stories, although what she writes has a terrible tendency to come true. When Sunday meets an enchanted frog who asks about her stories, the two become friends. Soon that friendship deepens into something magical. One night, Sunday kisses her frog goodbye and leaves, not realizing that her love has transformed him....
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Charming... Enchanting
- By The Gabbards on 07-03-12
By: Alethea Kontis
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Shadow Prowler
- Chronicles of Siala, Book 1
- By: Alexey Pehov
- Narrated by: MacLeod Andrews
- Length: 15 hrs and 22 mins
- Unabridged
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An army is gathering; thousands of giants, ogres, and other creatures are joining forces from all across the Desolate Lands, united, for the first time in history, under one, black banner. By the spring, or perhaps sooner, the Nameless One and his forces will be at the walls of the great city of Avendoom.
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This Thief will steal your time away
- By Joshua on 03-29-10
By: Alexey Pehov
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The Book of Magic
- By: Gardner Dozois - editor, Scott Lynch, Elizabeth Bear, and others
- Narrated by: Karissa Vacker, Sile Bermingham, Maxwell Caulfield, and others
- Length: 24 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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Hot on the heels of Gardner Dozois's acclaimed anthology The Book of Swords comes this companion volume devoted to magic. How could it be otherwise? For every Frodo, there is a Gandalf... and a Saruman. For every Dorothy, a Glinda... and a Wicked Witch of the West. What would Harry Potter be without Albus Dumbledore... and Severus Snape? Figures of wisdom and power, possessing arcane, often forbidden knowledge, wizards and sorcerers are shaped - or misshaped - by the potent magic they seek to wield.
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some stinkers mostly good
- By M.T. on 12-11-18
By: Gardner Dozois - editor, and others
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House of Furies
- By: Madeleine Roux
- Narrated by: Billie Fulford-Brown
- Length: 8 hrs and 36 mins
- Unabridged
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After escaping a harsh school where punishment was the lesson of the day, 17-year-old Louisa Ditton is thrilled to find employment as a maid at a boardinghouse. But soon after her arrival at Coldthistle House, Louisa begins to realize that the house's mysterious owner, Mr. Morningside, is providing much more than lodging for his guests. Far from a place of rest, the house is a place of judgment, and Mr. Morningside and his unusual staff are meant to execute their own justice on those who are past being saved.
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One of the characters is Satan..lots of the occult
- By Angela Briggs on 07-25-19
By: Madeleine Roux
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Castle Hangnail
- By: Ursula Vernon
- Narrated by: Tara Sands
- Length: 7 hrs and 38 mins
- Unabridged
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When Molly shows up on Castle Hangnail's doorstep to fill the vacancy for a wicked witch, the castle's minions are understandably dubious. After all, she is 12 years old, barely five feet tall, and quite polite. (The minions are used to tall, demanding evil sorceresses with razor-sharp cheekbones.) But the castle desperately needs a master, or else the Board of Magic will decommission it, leaving all the minions without the home they love.
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A great romp you shouldn't leave to just the kids
- By Elisabeth Carey on 02-08-16
By: Ursula Vernon
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A Whole New World
- A Twisted Tale
- By: Liz Braswell, Disney Press
- Narrated by: James Patrick Cronin
- Length: 8 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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Performance
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Story
When Jafar steals the genie's lamp, he uses his first two wishes to become sultan and the most powerful sorcerer in the world. Agrabah lives in fear, waiting for his third and final wish. To stop the power-mad ruler, Aladdin and the deposed Princess Jasmine must unite the people of Agrabah in rebellion. But soon their fight for freedom threatens to tear the kingdom apart in a costly civil war. What happens next? A "street rat" becomes a leader. A princess becomes a revolutionary. And listeners will never look at the story of Aladdin in the same way again.
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Loved this!!!
- By Catherine E on 08-04-16
By: Liz Braswell, and others
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Back alleys & backstabbing = bollicking good times
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The Green Woods is book one in Hidden Class: Pacifist, a new series featuring a protagonist who overcomes his anger management issues to become the most peaceful man on Earth. Join Roth on an epic journey through a unique blend of gamelit, cyberpunk, science fiction, and fantasy elements.
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Kit Webb has left his stand-and-deliver days behind him. But dreary days at his coffee shop have begun to make him pine for the heady rush of thievery. When a handsome yet arrogant aristocrat storms into his shop, Kit quickly realizes he may be unable to deny whatever this highborn man desires. In order to save himself and a beloved friend, Percy, Lord Holland must go against every gentlemanly behavior he holds dear to gain what he needs most: a book that once belonged to his mother, a book his father never lets out of his sight and could be Percy’s savior.
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There’s nothing wrong with being a wallflower. Not to Emmaline Bluewater, anyway. Emma may have been born into witch society, but her days of trying to fit in where she doesn’t belong are over—they ended seven years ago, when the man she’d hoped to marry left town without a word. She’s much happier now, living a delightfully mundane human life in Chicago and running her bar, Toil and Trouble. Until Bastian Truenote walks through the door and announces that he wants her back.
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Like a warm hug
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Exiled from the Silverwood and the people she loves, Mae has few illusions about ever returning to her home. But when she comes across three out-of-place strangers in her wanderings, she finds herself contemplating the unthinkable: risking death to help a deposed queen regain her throne. And if anyone can help Mona Alastaire of Lumen Lake, it is a former Woodwalker - a ranger whose very being is intimately tied to the woods they are sworn to protect.
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Finally on Audible!
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Magic in the Moonlight
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Running to Summerpoint to avoid my failed love life may have seemed drastic, but I'd just inherited a house from a distant relative. The timing was perfect, almost like magic. But the cottage is in need of repairs, the place is in the middle of a forest, and I'm not used to small towns. Then I meet my new contractors. Sexy doesn't begin to describe them. The flirting flows easily, and while they're a well-established couple, it seems they may have room for more. Even better, these guys are quickly getting to be a lot more than just friends.
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lack of plot
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Designers & Dragons: The '70s
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- By: Shannon Appelcline
- Narrated by: Colby Elliott
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Designers & Dragons: The ’70s is a comprehensive picture of the beginnings of the RPG industry. This second edition expands the original single book into a series of four, and we’ve added over 50,000 new words to this volume alone. Learn about the colorful history of TSR and the wave of D&D inspired games (and gaming companies) to follow, and dip your toes into war gaming trivia. Regardless of your gaming background, Shannon Appelcline’s meticulously researched history won’t disappoint.
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the forgotten realm of where RPGs arize
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The Keeper Origins: The Complete Trilogy
- Book 1-3
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Sable would do anything to break free from the ruthless gang boss she's indebted to before he corrupts her younger sister or discovers Sable's magical ability to sense the truth in people's words. In a last desperate attempt at freedom, Sable stumbles into unexpected help—Atticus, the famous playwright, and his traveling theater troupe. Far more than a means of escape, the mismatched band of actors is destined to become the family Sable never knew she wanted. They help awaken her magic until she becomes the burning symbol of truth that the entire land needs.
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Not done yet will update
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By: JA Andrews
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The Purloined Poodle
- By: Kevin Hearne
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Thanks to his relationship with the ancient Druid Atticus O'Sullivan, Oberon the Irish wolfhound knows trouble when he smells it - and furthermore, he knows he can handle it. When he discovers that a prizewinning poodle has been abducted in Eugene, Oregon, he learns that it's part of a rash of hound abductions all over the Pacific Northwest. Since the police aren't too worried about dogs they assume have run away, Oberon knows it's up to him to track down those hounds and reunite them with their humans. For justice! And gravy!
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As beautiful as an all beef Buffet.
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What listeners say about Kill the Farm Boy
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- Dakota Nikaido
- 07-20-18
A great book to hear
Loved the story and the way Like voiced everyone. Will certainly be recommending this book to others.
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- BlindWanderer
- 11-11-19
Kill me now
If you liked "Bored of The Rings" or "Barry Trodder and The Unauthorized Parody" you will likely enjoy this.
The jokes are many and occasionally funny enough I can't help chuckle aloud.
However, this book is bad. The sort of bad that is good. Not exceptionaly good (does that mean it's bad at being bad?) but still good.
Once the book gets over it's puntification, it gets better.
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- Justin Morton
- 08-17-18
D&D set entirely for humor
Not what I was expecting, but funny and full of puns. Tons of adult humor. Overall it was a good change of pace from more serious storylines, where the authors clearly wanted to have fun and laugh.
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- T. Bennett
- 08-06-18
Loads of fun. Hard to follow at times.
There are a few times where audiobook producers know what they're doing and they pair a narrator with an author. This is what has happened with Luke Daniels and Kevin Hearne. This book is a laugh out loud riot from the beginning. Luke Daniels should get an award for his performance. This story honestly remind me of Monty Python and The Holy Grail.
My only problem is that it takes one-third of the novel for all the threads to come together. Luke Daniels narration makes the story entertaining until then. You just have to hang in for the beginning of the novel. Hence 4 stars on the story.
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- Kindle Customer
- 10-11-19
Hilarious!
Truly a great story, cool plot swerve and really funny characters. And performed hilariously and fantastically by the narrator I was laughing multiple times and totally recommend to anyone that they listen to or read this book.
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- Renee Ruark
- 08-14-18
Absolutely Delightful!
Such a great pairing of authors! How refreshing it was to have something humorous to listen to. Well written, had me smirking the whole time. Fans of role playing games will devour this story for sure. I was sad when it ended. I want more!
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- K. Mathews
- 08-06-18
Hilarious
The story is funny and captivating. It has a terry pratchett feel. The goat is the best character. The narrator does an amazing job!
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- kenneth
- 10-28-18
Hilarious!
Very good writing, story-line, and performance. Excellent in all respects except for for nighttime reading as I find it difficult to fall asleep while laughing out loud. Recommended for anyone with a sense of humor.
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- Dami
- 08-24-23
Sophomoric at best
If you're a 13 year-old boy, you might find it funny, but it's, well as I said, it's sophomoric. The performance is actually quite good, but it can't save the writing. I really can't finish it. I'm on chapter four and I just can't stand another 11+ hours....
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- Dorothy G
- 12-19-23
Quirky “punny” fairytale
Charming story and characters. Voices perform so well! Can’t wait to listen to the next tale of Pell!
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