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There and NEVER, EVER Back Again
- Narrated by: Jordan Reader
- Length: 7 hrs and 36 mins
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Publisher's summary
"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me."
Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, There and NEVER, EVER Back Again: A Dark Lord's Journal is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of:
The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm.
The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground.
The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction.
The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him.
....and
The Chosen One: Victim - sorry, meant to say "Hero" - of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again.
Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it. Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun.
There and NEVER, EVER Back Again is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.
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- Narrated by: Tristan Morris
- Length: 15 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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Our hero entered the store that fateful evening and became involved in a life-or-death game arranged by a mysterious creature. He survived, but instead of being on Earth, he now appeared to be in a different world, with other people who had passed a similarly deadly test. Some made it through by using force, some by using their cunning.... Everyone has their own story, but they all have one thing in common - there are no good people among them.
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I have no idea what this is...
- By Erik on 02-28-20
By: Anton Emelianov, and others
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Scythe
- By: Neal Shusterman
- Narrated by: Greg Tremblay
- Length: 10 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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A world with no hunger, no disease, no war, no misery: Humanity has conquered all those things and has even conquered death. Now Scythes are the only ones who can end life - and they are commanded to do so in order to keep the size of the population under control. Citra and Rowan are chosen to apprentice to a scythe - a role that neither wants. These teens must master the "art" of taking life, knowing that the consequence of failure could mean losing their own.
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Teenage Thumbs up
- By Lila R on 04-01-17
By: Neal Shusterman
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How to Win an Election
- An Ancient Guide for Modern Politicians
- By: Quintus Tullius Cicero, Philip Freeman - translator
- Narrated by: Doug Kaye
- Length: 1 hr and 5 mins
- Unabridged
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How to Win an Election is an ancient Roman guide for campaigning that is as up-to-date as tomorrow's headlines. In 64 BC when idealist Marcus Cicero, Rome's greatest orator, ran for consul (the highest office in the Republic), his practical brother Quintus decided he needed some no-nonsense advice on running a successful campaign.
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How to be a politician ...
- By Benedict on 07-31-13
By: Quintus Tullius Cicero, and others
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Ishmael
- An Adventure of the Mind and Spirit
- By: Daniel Quinn
- Narrated by: Anthony Heald
- Length: 2 hrs and 54 mins
- Abridged
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One of the most beloved and best-selling novels of spiritual adventure ever published, Ishmael has earned a passionate following. This special 25th anniversary edition features a new foreword and afterword by the author.
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Unabridged PLEASE!
- By Eric on 01-12-08
By: Daniel Quinn
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Elric of Melniboné
- Volume 1: Elric of Melnibone, The Fortress of the Pearl, The Sailor on the Seas of Fate, and The Weird of the White Wolf
- By: Michael Moorcock, Neil Gaiman
- Narrated by: Samuel Roukin
- Length: 24 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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When Michael Moorcock began chronicling the adventures of the albino sorcerer Elric, last king of decadent Melniboné, and his sentient vampiric sword, Stormbringer, he set out to create a new kind of fantasy adventure, one that broke with tradition and reflected a more up-to-date sophistication of theme and style. The result was a bold and unique hero: a rock-and-roll antihero who would channel all the violent excesses of the '60s into one enduring archetype.
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Skip the first chapter, it's not Moorcock.
- By Ted C. on 02-17-22
By: Michael Moorcock, and others
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Gladiator
- War God for Hire, Book 1
- By: David Burke
- Narrated by: Daniel Wisniewski, Rebecca Woods
- Length: 12 hrs and 4 mins
- Unabridged
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His power is only as good as the skill he possesses to wield it. But there is a reason the former War God fell. He can only dare to imagine what foes lie in wait. He will have to build a team out of a former shield maiden, an elven sorceress intent on hiding her power, a beautiful lycan who doesn't trust anyone, and a mortal-hating fire celestial. What could be hard about that?
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Could have been god
- By Anonymous User on 09-17-21
By: David Burke
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Let Go
- Seven Stumbling Blocks to Christian Discipleship
- By: Casey Cole OFM
- Narrated by: Casey Cole OFM
- Length: 4 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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"What must I do to gain eternal life?” The rich man who asked this of Jesus was told to sell all he had and give to the poor. But, more importantly, he was told, “Come, follow me!” Franciscan Casey Cole challenges us to let go of something more difficult than material wealth: expectations, anxiety, comfort, wounds, enemies, power - and our very selves. Speaking from both personal and pastoral experience, he outlines the stumbling blocks that turn us away from following Jesus as true disciples. The response to “What must I do?” is simple but not easy: Let go. Now.
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Truly a good listen
- By Anonymous User on 12-23-22
By: Casey Cole OFM
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Kobold Guide to Roleplaying
- Kobold Guides
- By: Keith Ammann, Ginny Di, Clint McElroy, and others
- Narrated by: Ray Greenley
- Length: 4 hrs and 12 mins
- Unabridged
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There’s a reason it’s called a tabletop roleplaying game. Taking on the personae of different characters in the story brings a richness and depth to the experience and can make your game sessions exciting and memorable. But how can the poor, harried Game Master wrangle a whole slew of unique personalities on top of all the other work that goes into preparing each week? The Kobold Guide to Roleplaying has the answers you seek.
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Ugh.
- By Michael on 04-17-24
By: Keith Ammann, and others
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Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue, Book 1, Volume 1
- By: Neale Donald Walsch
- Narrated by: Neale Donald Walsch, Edward Asner, Ellen Burstyn
- Length: 2 hrs and 29 mins
- Abridged
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Suppose you could ask God the most puzzling questions about existence, and God would provide clear, understandable answers? It happened to Neale Donald Walsch. Conversations with God is Walsch's account of his direct conversations with God, beginning in 1992 while Walsch was immersed in a period of deep depression. He composed a letter to God in which he vented his frustrations, and much to his surprise, even shock, God answered him.
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Spiritual Prescription from my Pastor
- By Monique Walton on 06-30-15
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The Complete Conversations with God
- An Uncommon Dialogue: Books I, II & III
- By: Neale Donald Walsch
- Narrated by: Neale Donald Walsh, Edward Asner, Ellen Burstyn
- Length: 26 hrs and 33 mins
- Unabridged
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The seminal trilogy of Neale Donald Walsch's ongoing dialogue with God are brought together here in one audio edition. Includes unabridged performances of Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue Book I, Book II and Book III, the best-selling of the author's works. Few modern writers have had more influence on popular thinking about God than Neale Donald Walsch. Neale Donald Walsch, together with award-winning actors Ed Asner and Ellen Burstyn, reveals a God who is loving, believable, understanding of our weaknesses, and, most important, easy to talk with.
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4th Time Reading this Series in 20 years
- By Pangaia on 05-23-19
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The Sin of Certainty
- Why God Desires Our Trust More than Our "Correct" Beliefs
- By: Peter Enns
- Narrated by: Tom Perkins
- Length: 5 hrs and 27 mins
- Unabridged
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With compelling and often humorous stories from his own life, Bible scholar Peter Enns offers a fresh look at how Christian life truly works, answering questions that cannot be addressed by the idealized traditional doctrine of "once for all delivered to the saints".
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Title may mislead the actual content
- By Adam Shields on 05-26-16
By: Peter Enns
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Rescuing the Light
- Quotes from the Oral Teachings of Martín Prechtel
- By: Martín Prechtel
- Narrated by: Martín Prechtel
- Length: 4 hrs and 32 mins
- Unabridged
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Martin Prechtel is widely recognized as a profound and beloved teacher for our times. Raised in the Tzutujil Maya shamanic tradition, he has dedicated his life to the preservation and promulgation of indigenous spirituality. Rescuing the Light is a collection of Prechtel's quotes and sayings spanning the course of 15 years, and recorded at Bolad's Kitchen, a four-year course in New Mexico where students from all walks of life gather to receive hands-on training in language, history, cooking, farming, and crafts.
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Beauty in oral wisdom
- By Anna Farnam on 09-19-22
By: Martín Prechtel
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On the Warrior's Path, Second Edition
- Philosophy, Fighting, and Martial Arts Mythology
- By: Daniele Bolelli
- Narrated by: Kirk Magoon
- Length: 6 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
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On the Warrior’s Path connects the martial arts with this larger perspective, merging subtle philosophies with no-holds-barred competition, Nietzsche with Bruce Lee, radical Taoism and Buddhism with the Star Wars Trilogy, traditional martial arts with basketball and American Indian culture. At the center of all these phenomena is the warrior. Though this archetype seems to manifest contradictory values, author Daniele Bolelli describes the heart of this tension: how the training of martial technique leads to a renunciation of violence, and how overcoming fear leads to a unique freedom.
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Amazing
- By Anonymous User on 08-28-24
By: Daniele Bolelli
What listeners say about There and NEVER, EVER Back Again
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Marie
- 08-27-19
You will love it or will hate it
I have look at dozens of book reviewing website for this book and I can say in my library of over 3000 audiobooks I have never seen such a split in half. I can literally only find one or five-star review with no exception.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Ricardo
- 01-28-20
Nice story, wrong narrator
The story is nice and different, however the main female protagonists sound male, deep male voices. It ruined the story.
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- The Dark Lord
- 08-30-19
I may be biased, but I loved it.
I couldn't enjoy this book any more if I had written it myself.
And I honestly can't imagine anyone listening to part of Jordan's delivery and not wanting to hear the rest of it.
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- Anonymous User
- 01-16-20
a good story.
the narrator whas bad sometimes but i like it and i recommend it . .
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- azbat1980
- 03-16-21
It was good probably a better to read it
the editing was bad. sentences would restart from clearly a new take. The actor should have been female as thats who the characters mostly are. His dark lord voice is goofy but not distracting. The story is very good overall if it wasn't for the editing bit everything else was fine.
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- John R
- 09-22-19
Awesome
This is a pleasing short story into the dark side! Here we have a fluent super villain pontificating their existence while besmirching the good names of elves and unicorns. I highly recommend this book.
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1 person found this helpful
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- Sophia Harris
- 09-27-19
Grab It
This is an easy, fun story for any minion who wants to get a feeling of what’s going on in their Overlord’s head. It’s almost pleasant. Recommended!
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- Maker Mac
- 08-25-19
So good, I bought the hardcopi then the audio book
Amazing story. Interesting theme. Good voice performance. Strange storyline at first, but then you get into it after the humor grabs you in just the first few minutes. It's been years since I've been able to get into a tilted-universe, philosophically-based type of Sci-Fi like (as mentioned in previous reviews) Douglas Adams, etc. Originally I started reading it on Kindle - liked it so much I bought not only one hardcopy for myself, but a second hardcopy for my oldest kid, then the Audible audio book for myself. Definitely an interesting and unique (but in a good way) work. It's one of those books/stories where I'm sure as I step away from it or discuss it with others who have read it as well, that I will come to realizations that I missed the first time around and be drawn back to read or listen to it again. That is the definition of a good book to me - one that draws you back again and again and again...
Expand your mindfulness. Definitely a worthwhile read...
NOTE REGARDING THE 1-STAR REVIEWS - there is a group of individuals out there (whom I have discovered through research on the author) have a personal vandetta against the writer. You will note that most of the 1-star reviews are NOT verified purchasers, but random (and sometimes anonymous) reviews from trite, childish, cowardly individuals who have not even purchased let alone read this book, but who are set out to effect this author's reputation.
I take great exception to this practice if for no other reason than it attempts to nullify the opinions by those of us who have purchased and have taken the time to read this work. I do not like bullies, regardless of the context.
If you are one who reads reviews like I am, please take into consideration the validity of the review, particularly those that don't even reference the contents of the book. I assure you, if you read the reviews intelligently enough, you can spot the ones who are not intelligent enough to have even read the book. Thank you.
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- Isabella White
- 09-27-19
Great Deal
It’s a work that, for all its comic veneer, aims high and takes chances. For most listeners familiar with the romance tropes that saturate pop culture these days, this is more than enough reason to pick up the book.
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- Neir
- 01-16-20
The story is delightful, narrator needs work
I love these sorts of irreverent stories, and I was greatly looking forward to it.
Unfortunately, I was unable to continue listening, as the random errors in the recitation, bizarre emphasis, and mispronunciation of certain words made it difficult to even follow the story for long.
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3 people found this helpful