And Then They Stopped Talking to Me
Making Sense of Middle School
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Narrated by:
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Judith Warner
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By:
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Judith Warner
About this listen
Through the stories of kids and parents in the middle-school trenches, a New York Times best-selling author reveals why these years are so painful, how parents unwittingly make them worse, and what we all need to do to grow up.
“As the parent of a middle schooler, I felt as if Judith Warner had peered into my life - and the lives of many of my patients. This is a gift to our kids and their future selves.” (Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)
The French have a name for the uniquely hellish years between elementary school and high school: l’âge ingrat, or "the ugly age". Characterized by a perfect storm of developmental changes - physical, psychological, and social - the middle school years are a time of great distress for children and parents alike, marked by hurt, isolation, exclusion, competition, anxiety, and often outright cruelty. Some of this is inevitable; there are intrinsic challenges to early adolescence. But these years are harder than they need to be, and Judith Warner believes that adults are complicit.
With deep insight and compassion, Warner walks us through a new understanding of the role that middle school plays in all our lives. She argues that today's helicopter parents are overly concerned with status and achievement - in some ways a residual effect of their own middle-school experiences - and that this worsens the self-consciousness, self-absorption, and social "sorting" so typical of early adolescence.
Tracing a century of research on middle childhood and bringing together the voices of social scientists, psychologists, educators, and parents, Warner's book shows how adults can be moral role models for children, making them more empathetic, caring, and resilient. She encourages us to start treating middle schoolers as the complex people they are, holding them to high standards of kindness, and helping them see one another as more than "jocks and mean girls, nerds and sluts".
Part cultural critique and part call to action, this essential book unpacks one of life's most formative periods and shows how we can help our children not only survive it but thrive.
©2020 Judith Warner (P)2020 Random House AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
"As the parent of a middle schooler, I felt as if Warner had peered into my life - and the lives of many of my patients. With clarity, compassion, and insight, And Then They Stopped Talking to Me brilliantly captures the landscape of kids' experiences today and the psychological, familial, and cultural forces shaping them. Along the way, Warner debunks age-old myths and offers practical guidance that every parent can use. This is a gift to our kids and their future selves." (Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)
"I don't know a single adult who did not feel alone, insecure, or deeply self-conscious in middle school. Warner puts the pieces of the puzzle together to show us just how not-alone we were - and gives us the knowledge to guide our children through one of the most painful moments of childhood." (Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out and Enough As She Is)
"If your child’s middle school journey is unraveling you, Warner’s new book is the one you need to read. She will give you the gift of perspective, along with a personal and scientific understanding of what is happening to your child. I have often advised parents not to allow themselves to be sucked back into middle school when they see their children’s distress or hear their war stories. But I had no guidebook to offer them. Now I do." (Michael G. Thompson, co-author of Raising Cain)
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- Length: 8 hrs and 53 mins
- Unabridged
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The inequity of domestic life is one of the most profound and perplexing conundrums of our time. In an era of seemingly unprecedented feminist activism, enlightenment, and change, data shows that one area of gender inequality stubbornly remains: the unequal amount of parental work that falls on women, no matter their class or professional status.
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Must read for men
- By Brooks Rainey Pearson on 06-12-19
By: Darcy Lockman
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Teach Your Children Well
- Parenting for Authentic Success
- By: Madeline Levine PhD
- Narrated by: Cassandra Campbell
- Length: 10 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Parents, educators, and the media wring their hands about the plight of America's children and teens - soaring rates of emotional problems, limited coping skills, disengagement from learning - and yet there are ways to reverse these disheartening trends. Teach Your Children Well acknowledges that every parent wants successful children. However, until we are clearer about our core values and the parenting choices that are most likely to lead to authentic, and not superficial, success, we will continue to raise exhausted, externally driven, impaired children.
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I wish this book had been published years ago
- By AvidReader on 09-07-12
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Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue
- How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes
- By: Christia Spears Brown PhD
- Narrated by: Stina Nielsen
- Length: 8 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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In this practical guide, developmental psychologist (and mother of two) Christia Spears Brown uses science-based research to show how over-dependence on gender can limit kids, making it harder for them to develop into unique individuals. With a humorous, fresh, and accessible perspective, Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue addresses all the issues that contemporary parents should consider - from gender-segregated birthday parties and schools to sports, sexualization, and emotional intelligence.
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Not a parenting guide but a description of norms.
- By Anonymous User on 08-15-20
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Bringing Up Girls
- Practical Advice and Encouragement for Those Shaping the Next Generation of Women
- By: James C. Dobson
- Narrated by: James C. Dobson
- Length: 11 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Based on extensive research, and handled with Dr. Dobson's trademark down-to-earth approach, Bringing Up Girls will equip parents like you to face the challenges of raising your daughters to become healthy, happy, and successful women who overcome challenges specific to girls and women today and who ultimately excel in life.
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Solid concepts, poor presentation
- By honuhunter on 12-06-18
By: James C. Dobson
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Parenting by the Book
- Biblical Wisdom for Raising Your Child
- By: John Rosemond
- Narrated by: George W. Sarris
- Length: 8 hrs and 21 mins
- Unabridged
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Picture respectful, responsible, obedient children who entertain themselves without television or video games, do their own homework, and have impeccable manners. A pie-in-the-sky fantasy? Not so, says family psychologist and best-selling author John Rosemond. Any parent who so desires can grow children who fit that description - happy, emotionally healthy children who honor their parents and their families with good behavior and do their best in school.
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Extremely Timely!
- By SimoneSJ on 07-15-21
By: John Rosemond
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Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety
- Raising Happy, Healthy Humans Ages 8 to 24
- By: Dr. John Duffy
- Narrated by: Anne Cross
- Length: 7 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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No parent experienced their teen years the way that children do today. This guide provides strategies and tips for actively learning the world of our children.
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Every parent should read this!!
- By Kitty Kitty on 10-20-19
By: Dr. John Duffy
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Raising a Strong Daughter in a Toxic Culture
- 11 Steps to Keep Her Happy, Healthy, and Safe
- By: Meg Meeker
- Narrated by: Lisbeth Carol Keen
- Length: 6 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Learn about the essential, complementary roles that mothers and fathers play; the dangers of social media - and how to help your daughter navigate them; what every daughter needs to know about God; how to launch your daughter into successful womanhood; and more.
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Should had read the details instead of the title.
- By Ms. Burke on 11-15-20
By: Meg Meeker
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The Wonder of Boys
- By: Michael Gurian
- Narrated by: Michael Gurian
- Length: 3 hrs and 18 mins
- Abridged
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What can parents, mentors, and educators do to shape boys into exceptional men? Michael Gurian, a respected therapist, storyteller, and recognized expert in family systems, explains the basic needs of every boy: a primary and extended family, a relationship with mother, father, and mentors, and support from his community.
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Great Book for Mothers and Fathers
- By Janine on 05-20-09
By: Michael Gurian
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The Sibling Effect
- What the Bonds among Brothers and Sisters Reveal about Us
- By: Jeffrey Kluger
- Narrated by: Pete Larkin
- Length: 8 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Nobody affects us as deeply as our brothers and sisters - not parents, not children, not friends. From the time we - and they - are born, our siblings are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales. They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to, how to conduct friendships and when to walk away.
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This is the only book I never finished
- By Rob on 06-25-12
By: Jeffrey Kluger
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Generation Me
- Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and More Miserable Than Ever Before
- By: Jean M. Twenge PhD
- Narrated by: Randye Kaye
- Length: 12 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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In this provocative new book, psychologist and social commentator Dr. Jean Twenge documents the self-focus of what she calls "Generation Me" - people born in the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s. Dr. Twenge explores why her generation is tolerant, confident, open-minded, and ambitious but also cynical, depressed, lonely, and anxious. Dr. Twenge reveals how profoundly different today's young adults are - and makes controversial predictions about what the future holds for them and society as a whole.
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I mostly agree
- By David Hill on 05-25-20
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Attack of the Teenage Brain
- Understanding and Supporting the Weird and Wonderful Adolescent Learner
- By: John Medina
- Narrated by: John Medina
- Length: 6 hrs and 16 mins
- Unabridged
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In accessible language and with periodic references to Star Trek, motorcycle daredevils, and near-classic movies of the '80s, developmental molecular biologist John Medina explores the neurological and evolutionary factors that drive teenage behavior and can affect both achievement and engagement. Then he proposes a research-supported counterattack: a bold redesign of educational practices and learning environments to deliberately develop teens' cognitive capacity to manage their emotions, plan, prioritize, and focus.
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Wish I knew years ago
- By John Wernecke on 05-30-18
By: John Medina
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How to Be Sad
- Everything I’ve Learned About Getting Happier by Being Sad
- By: Helen Russell
- Narrated by: Helen Russell
- Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Helen Russell has researched sadness from the inside out for her entire life. Her earliest memory is of the day her sister died. Her parents divorced soon after, and her mother didn’t receive the help she needed to grieve. Coping with her own emotional turmoil — including struggles with body image and infertility — she’s endured professional and personal setbacks as well as relationships that have imploded in truly spectacular ways. Even the things that brought her the greatest joy — like eventually becoming a parent — are fraught with challenges.
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More an self biography
- By Jaime Murillo on 04-27-24
By: Helen Russell
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Your Turn
- How to Be an Adult
- By: Julie Lythcott-Haims
- Narrated by: Julie Lythcott-Haims
- Length: 20 hrs and 21 mins
- Unabridged
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What does it mean to be an adult? In the 20th century, psychologists came up with five markers of adulthood: finish your education, get a job, leave home, marry, and have children. Since then, every generation has been held to those same markers. Yet so much has changed about the world and living in it since that sequence was formulated. All of those markers are choices, and they’re all valid, but any one person’s choices along those lines do not make them more or less an adult.
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Not the book that was advertised
- By M. Rogers on 04-13-21
What listeners say about And Then They Stopped Talking to Me
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- nick zebrowski
- 05-29-24
Not a how to guide…
If you are looking for a book to give you answers around how to deal with pre-teens this isn’t it.
What it is… is a well researched and in depth history explaining how our culture has created the preteen. There is a lot of good information here to educate yourself so you can be better prepared when dealing with these years.
But if you want a detailed instruction guide. Look elsewhere
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- KATHRYN DI
- 07-09-20
Only thing I've read that has helped JHS trauma
I actually had to stop listening to this book for several weeks because it felt so uncomfortable to re-experience junior high school feelings--but was just able to finish it. It was ultimately healing. Warner nailed it when she explains that that life stage caused lifelong trauma in adults but that they have left it unprocessed and unquestioned. Her book helps one do the thing that helps - reframe what happened, reframe who you thought you were, and as a result reframe who you are. She perceptively blames bad American junior high behavior on the values of the larger society--children of that age are not inevitably programmed to be morally reprehensible. Believe it or not, the idea that things didn't have to be the way they were, that the kids' personalities and social positioning behaviors weren't fixed in stone, that the me that is descended from that junior high self wasn't and is not fixed in stone, is a new idea. It allows empathy for people fixed in memory as enemies and empathy for a newly discovered and less flattering version of one's junior high self.
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- P. Stein
- 08-04-20
An outstanding book that gives cause to reflect.
We are not the author’s intended audience. We are in our mid seventies, married over 50 years. My wife and I listened to the entire book together, a chapter a day. We both considered chapter 7, an incredible chapter for the insight it provided. My wife was verbally bullied by other girls, at the start of seventh grade. She had been happy until then. She was not invited to birthday parties. That gave her very low self esteem and led to poor decisions. She felt she was worthless to humanity, until I came along, just after she graduated high school. She thought she was the only girl treated this way, in junior high. The book gave her tremendous insight into the fact that she was bullied, and that her treatment was not unique. The book in effect, made her feel normal. We have had a wonderful 50 year plus marriage, and as she has stated, “ I’ve had a wonderful life. It really depends on who you marry.”
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- Ashley
- 06-05-24
Feels like a research paper...
This book is filled with references to research done by the author but lacking in what I sought. As the parent of two middle-school aged children, I was hoping for some actionable steps or advice on how to help my kids face the challenge of these years. Kind of like a map, the book tells you about the obstacles and path a middle schooler will go through but it tells you little about the experience. It doesn't provide wisdom or suggest ways to overcome those obstacles. Its more of an encyclopedia than a bible.
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- F. Luo
- 09-02-20
Not a helpful book
Not a very helpful book for a teacher who teaches middle school. Used too many examples from the 70s and doesn’t seem to get the fact that kids this age exaggerate to appear cool. The last part of the book provided some good information but people might loose their interest before getting into the last part
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- Valerie Thorp
- 12-07-20
Pointless: author offers no advice or insight.
This book was a complete waste of my time; I only listened to the the whole book hoping for some redeemable conversation and because I didn't want the time I had already invested listening to be for naught. The majority of the book is a review of the history of family life over the past century. It includes information that you'd have to have lived in a cave to not already know. In fact, the entire book is basic info of the life of adolescents that any adult and even child would have knowledge of simply from living in our society. It also focuses on places like NY and big city communities that have many issues that are not just common knowledge but do not apply to kids and communities in less wealthy or even middle-class, mid-sized cities or rural areas of the country. The author offers no advice or intelligent insight into modern life with middle school aged children. The book only becomes mildly interesting in the last couple of chapters, where the author finally begins discussing modern life.
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1 person found this helpful