
This Far
My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light
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Narrated by:
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Suzanne Elise Freeman
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By:
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Allison Holker
About this listen
AMAZON EDITOR’S PICK
“A celebration of the healing power of family and dance, Holker’s memoir shows how to heal from tragedy without wrapping everything up in a neat bow.” – Library Journal
In this candid and emotional memoir, Allison Holker opens up about her incredible dance career, her relationship with Stephen “tWitch” Boss, and the resilience that has carried her forward after his death.
Allison Holker was just eighteen when she found fame as a contestant on the reality TV show So You Think You Can Dance. Over the next several years, she had her first child, built a successful career as a professional dancer despite the industry being hostile to working moms, and fell in love with and married fellow dancer Stephen Boss, the former hype man and DJ of The Ellen DeGeneres Show known for his charisma and relentless positivity. Two more children and a wealth of professional opportunities for both Allison and Stephen followed, and the Bosses appeared to be one of the great Hollywood love stories.
Then, in December 2022, Stephen took his own life, leaving Allison to wrestle with unanswered questions, haunting what-ifs, and the heartbreaking realization that Stephen’s infectious joy was hiding pain, addictions, and self-doubt deeper than anyone knew.
For the first time, Allison reveals how she has navigated the emotional and financial aftermath of Stephen’s choice, guided their three children in their grief while managing the outpouring from a well-meaning public, and reopened herself to the next chapter in her professional and personal life. A beacon of hope and comfort for anyone experiencing grief—especially unexpected loss due to suicide—Allison’s story is an honest reflection on the pain of looking back on a complicated life and the resilience required to move into the future.
©2025 Allison Holker (P)2025 Harper SelectListeners also enjoyed...
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- Faith, Music, Family, and Being Found by True Love
- By: Rebecca St. James, Cubbie Fink
- Narrated by: Rebecca St. James, Cubbie Fink
- Length: 6 hrs and 48 mins
- Unabridged
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Married couple and award-winning musical artists Rebecca St. James and Cubbie Fink share powerful stories of faith from their family's journey to encourage you and draw you closer to God. With authentic storytelling and hard-won wisdom, Rebecca St. James and Cubbie Fink illuminate the heartaches and triumphs that have shaped their story as a married couple, as parents, as musicians, and—most of all—as Jesus followers.
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The authenticity of both the movie and the book
- By susan on 03-12-25
By: Rebecca St. James, and others
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Something More than Love
- When Your Husband Dies and Takes Half Your Heart with Him
- By: Patty Gilbride
- Narrated by: Patty Gilbride, Stephen Coghill
- Length: 11 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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One breath. One moment. One foot in front of the other. That's how Patty Gilbride describes her method for surviving the days after losing the love of her life. In Something More Than Love, the author details the last six weeks of her life with her husband and the impending reality of life without him. Through a series of emotional journal entries, this raw and deeply personal narrative describes the heart-wrenching truths of being an advocate and caregiver for her steadfast partner of 22 years after he was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer.
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A poignant tribute to love and resilience.
- By Nora Conway on 03-12-25
By: Patty Gilbride
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The Harder I Fight the More I Love You
- A Memoir
- By: Neko Case
- Narrated by: Neko Case
- Length: 7 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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Neko Case has long been revered as one of music’s most influential artists, whose authenticity, lyrical storytelling, and sly wit have endeared her to a legion of critics, musicians, and lifelong fans. In The Harder I Fight the More I Love You, Case brings her trademark candor and precision to a memoir that traces her evolution from an invisible girl “raised by two dogs and a space heater” in rural Washington state to her improbable emergence as an internationally acclaimed talent.
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Great story! But not much about music
- By Ryan on 04-10-25
By: Neko Case
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I'll Have What She's Having
- By: Chelsea Handler
- Narrated by: Chelsea Handler
- Length: 6 hrs and 13 mins
- Unabridged
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At ten years old, Chelsea opened a lemonade stand and realized she’d make more money if the drinks were spiked. So she added vodka to her recipe and used her earnings to upgrade herself to first-class on a family vacation—leaving her parents and siblings in coach. She moved to Los Angeles and got fired from her temp job when she admitted she didn’t know how to transfer calls. She’s played pickleball with the scions of an American dynasty. She’s sexted a governor. She shared psychedelics with strangers in Spain.
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Per Usual, Chelsea Knocks it Out of the Park!
- By Dalontrius on 02-27-25
By: Chelsea Handler
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Spilled Milk
- Based on a True Story
- By: K.L. Randis
- Narrated by: K.L. Randis
- Length: 7 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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Brooke Nolan is a battered child who makes an anonymous phone call about the escalating brutality in her home. When social services jeopardize her safety, condemning her to keep her father's secret, it's a glass of spilled milk at the dinner table that forces her to speak about the cruelty she's been hiding. In her pursuit of safety and justice, Brooke battles a broken court system that pushes to keep her father in the home.
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The strength of the author is profound.
- By Elisa Hahn on 04-15-25
By: K.L. Randis
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Not My Fault
- By: Trish Hinde, Ann Cusack
- Narrated by: Laura Brydon
- Length: 8 hrs
- Unabridged
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Trish Hinde, 35, was sexually abused by her father, Gerard King, from the age of six. Alone and scared, she internalised her trauma and began suffering from violent seizures. Her father took responsibility for her epilepsy care, even abusing her on hospital visits. Trish and her five siblings were neglected, often relying on neighbours for food and watching helplessly as bailiffs carried away their possessions. In her early teens, Trish was recklessly promiscuous and became a victim of child sexual exploitation, often finding herself in danger.
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Compelling story
- By Kelly on 04-14-25
By: Trish Hinde, and others
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Good Time Girl
- By: Heather Gay
- Narrated by: Heather Gay
- Length: 8 hrs and 25 mins
- Unabridged
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With her “thoughtful, smart, and funny” (Kirkus Reviews) writing, Heather recounts the humorous trysts, mishaps, and serendipitous success she’s found as a life-long reveler in all things indulgent. From illicit high school trips to Tijuana and awkward dates set up by her overzealous costars, Good Time Girl is a charming and intimate meditation on community, love, independence, womanhood, and—most importantly—second chances.
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The True storyline
- By Debbie Bird on 01-23-25
By: Heather Gay
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Fearless and Free
- A Memoir
- By: Josephine Baker, Ijeoma Oluo - foreword, Sophie Lewis
- Narrated by: Anam Zafar, Sophie R. Lewis, Ijeoma Oluo, and others
- Length: 8 hrs and 42 mins
- Unabridged
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Published in the US for the first time, Fearless and Free is the memoir of the fabulous, rule-breaking, one-of-a-kind Josephine Baker, the iconic dancer, singer, spy, and Civil Rights activist. After stealing the spotlight as a teenaged Broadway performer during the height of the Harlem Renaissance, Josephine then took Paris by storm, dazzling audiences across the Roaring Twenties. In her famous banana skirt, she enraptured royalty and countless fans—Ernest Hemingway and Pablo Picasso among them.
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Oh la la!
- By Adie on 04-09-25
By: Josephine Baker, and others
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Unspeakable
- Surviving My Childhood and Finding My Voice
- By: Jessica Willis Fisher
- Narrated by: Jessica Fisher
- Length: 9 hrs and 55 mins
- Unabridged
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Using the written word as her witness statement, Jessica Willis Fisher tells a lacerating story of finding her voice after two decades of silence and an unforgettable story of risk and faith.
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"Don't tell" culture exposed
- By Angela on 11-03-22
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Protecting Whitney
- The Memoir of Her Bodyguard
- By: David Roberts
- Narrated by: Gildart Jackson
- Length: 7 hrs and 59 mins
- Unabridged
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David Roberts was Whitney Houston's bodyguard, the real one. Roberts was hired in 1988 for Houston's UK portion of the Moment of Truth world tour. Accustomed to working for diplomats and Fortune 500 clients, Roberts had reservations about working with a pop star. But Houston's heart of gold won him over from the moment they met at Heathrow airport.
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Amazingly sweet and authentic!
- By Amazon Customer on 02-08-25
By: David Roberts
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Accidentally on Purpose
- By: Kristen Kish
- Narrated by: Kristen Kish
- Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Accidentally on Purpose dives into Kristen Kish’s childhood as a Korean adoptee in the Midwest, finding purpose in kitchens, and becoming the season 10 winner of—and now host—of Top Chef all the while navigating life in the spotlight, coming out in her adult years, and all the life lessons in between.
By: Kristen Kish
What listeners say about This Far
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- Becky
- 02-13-25
Sharing her story on His suicide. I am a survivor and I’ve lost my dad to suicide.
Nothing, it is absolutely heartbreaking when she had to tell her child that he was gone and brought brought back a lot of feelings for me personally.
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- jenn
- 02-13-25
So real
This was so great. She beautifully depicted her heartbreak and anger. It’s clear that she loves her family so much.
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- Sue and Haylee
- 02-26-25
Articulate
Disliked the crackly voice of the narrator. The story was well told on such a hard subject and something I will take with me if I encounter somebody whose family has experienced suicide.
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- S. Crotts
- 03-14-25
Ayahuasca
So many after reports about this book have focused on Allison’s revelations about Stephen’s drug use and childhood trauma. I was surprised when I got to the chapter on Ayahuasca. This is dangerous stuff. Some people report these beautiful, life affirming circumstances. But others have devastating psychiatric emergencies. It’s a coin toss.
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- Allisyn Layton
- 02-06-25
this book is important!
Allison, I appreciate you writing this book and sharing your honest feelings with me. This book is gut wrenching at times. But it's honest and bold. It answered a lot of questions. I am sorry suicide is apart of your families story, there are no words to make it easier, but you are so right in knowing that your story- told from your point of view - can make a difference in someone else's story.
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- Rose
- 02-05-25
Standout and Important
I know that Allison faced a lot of criticism for telling her story and was accused widely of seeking to profit from or exploit her husband’s pain and death. This story is not an expose on Stephen’s pain. In fact, Stephen’s pain is largely only alluded to in the book. Not even Stephen himself could give shape to his demons, not even in his final moments. This story is much, much more about the juxtaposition of intense love and the impact of a devastating crime and the experience of holding and reconciling such extremes. I found this story profound in its sensitive but exacting prose and authentic exploration of suicide’s impact- not only in isolated events but through generations.
Allison’s brave and thoughtful narrative is a standout piece, and those who have endured the helplessness and devastation of a loved one choosing to leave will find comfort. Those of us who have been fortunate enough not to experience such devastation will find enlightenment and guidance in how to support those who have. Those who may be considering suicide will be pushed to consider the impact of their choice. I hope that lives can be saved.
Perhaps most importantly, though, Allison’s story will help to build and expand critical, foundational vocabulary about love and loss and a subject that is too important to be taboo.
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- Eddie Espinal
- 02-06-25
Touching
The book brought tears to my eyes. Thank you Allison for sharing your story, I loved the vulnerability and raw emotions. The story was heartfelt and touching. I hope you and the kids continue to seek happiness & healing after such loss! My only critic is that the voice of the narrator felt robotic at times (Siri voice) highly recommended though.
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- Lora Bishop
- 02-09-25
Heartbreaking but so inspiring for her strength and resilience!
A story filled with so much pain, heartbreak and anger due to the loss of a beautiful husband and icon turned into a story of strength and resiliency finding hope on a new path. Her family has endured so much pain and not just pain from the loss of a loved one but the pain from the confusion of why he chose to leave this life and his beautiful family. I am beyond mesmerized by how she and her children have coped with this tragic loss and how she shares with her children to feel through the pain.
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- Katie
- 02-17-25
Light vs. Darkness
Allison spends a lot of time reflecting on her childhood and how her experiences shaped her, which helps explain why she may have overlooked some of the warning signs in her late husband, Stephen. As the story unfolds, it becomes painfully clear that he caused deep hurt within their family, leaving Allison to question everything she once believed about their relationship and life together. While she doesn’t explore Stephen’s personal struggles in great detail, she does emphasize the importance of mental health advocacy for men and the need to acknowledge and express emotions. Stephen seemed to be a deep thinker who felt things intensely, yet he kept so much of it bottled up. The story highlights the importance of openness and vulnerability when navigating emotional struggles.
What stood out to me the most, though, was the darkness surrounding Stephen’s story, particularly through his experiences with drugs and certain retreats. Rather than bringing healing, these things seemed to deepen his struggles, and it felt as though he was tormented—something I truly believe was a demonic presence. Allison leans heavily into what I’d describe as “new age” spirituality, which is interesting given her and Stephen’s background in Catholicism and Mormonism, I assume by her story and Stephen’s rosary. She also opens her book with a Bible verse, which adds another layer to the complexity of her spiritual journey.
While I respect that everyone’s path is unique, some of the things she describes made me question whether they led to peace or just added to the confusion. Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6). True healing and peace can only be found in Him, the light that leads us to heaven.
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- ALISA JOY PAHKALA
- 02-12-25
Such strength and sadness
I actually love this book. It was well written, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
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