On Our Best Behavior
The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good
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Narrated by:
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Elise Loehnen
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By:
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Elise Loehnen
About this listen
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A groundbreaking exploration of the ancient rules women unwittingly follow in order to be considered “good,” revealing how the Seven Deadly Sins still control and distort our lives and illuminating a path toward a more balanced, spiritually complete way to live
Why do women equate self-denial with being good?
We congratulate ourselves when we resist the donut in the office breakroom. We celebrate our restraint when we hold back from sending an email in anger. We feel virtuous when we wake up at dawn to get a jump on the day. We put others’ needs ahead of our own and believe this makes us exemplary. In On Our Best Behavior, journalist Elise Loehnen explains that these impulses—often lauded as unselfish, distinctly feminine instincts—are actually ingrained in us by a culture that reaps the benefits, via an extraordinarily effective collection of mores known as the Seven Deadly Sins.
Since being codified by the Christian church in the fourth century, the Seven Deadly Sins—pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth—have exerted insidious power. Even today, in our largely secular, patriarchal society, they continue to circumscribe women’s behavior. For example, seeing sloth as sinful leads women to deny themselves rest; a fear of gluttony drives them to ignore their appetites; and an aversion to greed prevents them from negotiating for themselves and contributes to the 55 percent gender wealth gap.
In On Our Best Behavior, Loehnen reveals how we’ve been programmed to obey the rules represented by these sins and how doing so qualifies us as “good.” This probing analysis of contemporary culture and thoroughly researched history explains how women have internalized the patriarchy, and how they unwittingly reinforce it. By sharing her own story and the spiritual wisdom of other traditions, Loehnen shows how we can break free and discover the integrity and wholeness we seek.
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“What if women finally found freedom—because we gave it to ourselves? Elise Loehnen brilliantly reframes our toxic cultural programming and helps us to see that what we thought were our sins are actually our greatest virtues. This book is the gift we have all been waiting for.”—Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
“A stunning, big, and bold encyclopedia of how to live—the first post-pandemic book to take our latest measurements and provide something fresh to comfort, embolden, enlighten, and enrich who we are today . . . On Our Best Behavior is nothing short of a tangible necessity in our new intangible world.”—Lisa Taddeo, New York Times bestselling author of Three Women
“A raw cri de coeur, penetrating social analysis, and revealing personal reflection . . . Elise Loehnen deftly deconstructs one of the central ideological buttresses of patriarchal society: the shaming of women for having human desires, strengths, capacities, and strivings of body, mind, and soul. Doing so, she provides a guide to liberation and a return to the authentic feminine self.”—Gabor Maté, MD, New York Times bestselling author of The Myth of Normal
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The Emotional Edge
- Discover Your Inner Age, Ignite Your Hidden Strengths, and Reroute Misdirected Fear to Live Your Fullest
- By: Crystal Andrus Morissette
- Narrated by: Andi Arndt
- Length: 9 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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The Emotional Edge is an exciting expansion of Crystal's successful brand - she has tackled weight management, confidence building, and spiritual growth; now she combines all that and more into her most powerful program yet. The Emotional Edge is a guide for letting go of the past and embracing a more empowered future. This audiobook is spiritual self-help designed to teach listeners how to overcome behavioral ruts and engage the world from a happier, more empowered place.
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the world needs more of this.
- By Amber Jessop on 11-25-17
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The Second Mountain
- How People Move from the Prison of Self to the Joy of Commitment
- By: David Brooks
- Narrated by: Arthur Morey
- Length: 12 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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Performance
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Author David Brooks explores the four commitments that define a life of meaning and purpose: to a spouse and family, to a vocation, to a philosophy or faith, and to a community. Our personal fulfillment depends on how well we choose and execute these commitments. Brooks looks at a range of people who have lived joyous, committed lives, and who have embraced the necessity and beauty of dependence. He gathers their wisdom on how to choose a partner, how to pick a vocation, how to live out a philosophy, and how we can begin to integrate our commitments into one overriding purpose.
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Pursue meaning, reject hyper-individualism
- By Adam Shields on 05-07-19
By: David Brooks
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Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives
- By: Laura Schlessinger Ph.D.
- Narrated by: Laura Schlessinger Ph.D.
- Length: 2 hrs and 52 mins
- Abridged
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Following the tremendous success of her New York Times best sellers, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives and How Could You Do That?!, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the conscience of talk radio, now addresses the stupid things men do that diminish their lives and happiness. With real-world examples from her radio show and strikingly honest letters from her male listeners, her book reveals that many men demonstrate a level of sensitivity and insight that will surprise most women.
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Loved it!
- By Ethan on 03-21-18
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To Have and to Hold
- Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma
- By: Molly Millwood
- Narrated by: Molly Millwood
- Length: 9 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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A clinical psychologist’s exploration of the modern dilemmas women face in the wake of new motherhood. When Molly Millwood became a mother, she was fully prepared for what she would gain: an adorable baby boy; hard-won mothering skills; and a messy, chaotic, beautiful life. But what she did not expect was what she would lose: aspects of her identity, a baseline level of happiness, a general sense of well-being.
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Pretty good
- By C Sandell on 03-07-21
By: Molly Millwood
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How to Be Sad
- Everything I’ve Learned About Getting Happier by Being Sad
- By: Helen Russell
- Narrated by: Helen Russell
- Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Helen Russell has researched sadness from the inside out for her entire life. Her earliest memory is of the day her sister died. Her parents divorced soon after, and her mother didn’t receive the help she needed to grieve. Coping with her own emotional turmoil — including struggles with body image and infertility — she’s endured professional and personal setbacks as well as relationships that have imploded in truly spectacular ways. Even the things that brought her the greatest joy — like eventually becoming a parent — are fraught with challenges.
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More an self biography
- By Jaime Murillo on 04-27-24
By: Helen Russell
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Bad Sex
- Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution
- By: Nona Willis Aronowitz
- Narrated by: Nona Willis Aronowitz
- Length: 9 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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Performance
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At thirty-two years old, everything in Nona Willis Aronowitz’s life, and in America, was in disarray. Her marriage was falling apart. Her nuclear family was slipping away. Her heart and libido were both in overdrive. Embroiled in an era of fear, reckoning, and reimagining, her assumptions of what “sexual liberation” meant were suddenly up for debate.
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I was born in the 50s, sexually active in the mid 70s
- By Pixel on 08-22-22
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Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen
- The Emotional Lives of Black Women
- By: Inger Burnett-Zeigler
- Narrated by: Adenrele Ojo
- Length: 7 hrs and 47 mins
- Unabridged
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Black women are beautiful, intelligent, and capable - but mostly they embrace strong. Esteemed clinical psychologist Dr. Inger Burnett-Zeigler praises the strength of women while exploring how trauma and adversity have led to deep emotional pain and shaped how they walk through the world.
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Amazing!
- By charlene lindsey on 09-08-21
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Raising a Strong Daughter in a Toxic Culture
- 11 Steps to Keep Her Happy, Healthy, and Safe
- By: Meg Meeker
- Narrated by: Lisbeth Carol Keen
- Length: 6 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Learn about the essential, complementary roles that mothers and fathers play; the dangers of social media - and how to help your daughter navigate them; what every daughter needs to know about God; how to launch your daughter into successful womanhood; and more.
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Should had read the details instead of the title.
- By Ms. Burke on 11-15-20
By: Meg Meeker
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The Ten Commandments
- The Significance of God's Laws in Everyday Life
- By: Laura Schlessinger Ph.D., Rabbi Stewart Vogel
- Narrated by: Laura Schlessinger Ph.D., Rabbi Stewart Vogel
- Length: 2 hrs and 43 mins
- Abridged
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The Ten Commandments are the first direct communication between a people and God. Designed to elevate our lives above mere frantic, animal existence to the sublime levels humanity is capable of experiencing, they are the blueprint of God's expectations of us and his plan for a meaningful, just, loving, and holy life. Each commandment asserts a principle, and each principle is a moral focus point for real-life issues relating to God, family, sex, work, charity, property, speech, and thought.
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The Ten Commandments
- By PineappleGirl on 12-08-06
By: Laura Schlessinger Ph.D., and others
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Trapped in the Mirror
- Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self
- By: Elan Golomb
- Narrated by: Angela Brazil
- Length: 11 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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The difficulties experienced by adult children of narcissists can manifest themselves in many ways - for example, physical self-loathing that takes the form of overeating, anorexia, or bulimia; a self-destructive streak that causes poor job performance and rocky personal relationships; or a struggle with the self that is perpetuated in the adult's interaction with his or her own children. These dilemmas are both common and correctable, Elan Golomb tells us.
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Convoluted
- By Caligirl on 08-25-17
By: Elan Golomb
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How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
- By: Patricia Love, Steven Stosny
- Narrated by: Laural Merlington
- Length: 6 hrs and 49 mins
- Unabridged
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Men are right. The "relationship talk" does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness: Love is not about better communication. It's about connection.
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Must read if your on the verge of loosing it all!
- By Chris on 07-19-15
By: Patricia Love, and others
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The Feminine Mystique
- By: Betty Friedan
- Narrated by: Parker Posey
- Length: 15 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
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The book that changed the consciousness of a country - and the world. Landmark, groundbreaking, classic - these adjectives barely describe the earthshaking and long-lasting effects of Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique. This is the book that defined "the problem that has no name", that launched the Second Wave of the feminist movement, and has been awakening women and men with its insights into social relations, which still remain fresh, ever since.
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A landmark book of its time and relevant now
- By Anthony on 01-23-15
By: Betty Friedan
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The Wonder of Boys
- By: Michael Gurian
- Narrated by: Michael Gurian
- Length: 3 hrs and 18 mins
- Abridged
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What can parents, mentors, and educators do to shape boys into exceptional men? Michael Gurian, a respected therapist, storyteller, and recognized expert in family systems, explains the basic needs of every boy: a primary and extended family, a relationship with mother, father, and mentors, and support from his community.
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Great Book for Mothers and Fathers
- By Janine on 05-20-09
By: Michael Gurian
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Why Good People Do Bad Things
- By: Debbie Ford
- Narrated by: Debbie Ford
- Length: 8 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Why Good People Do Bad Things exposes the pervasive and often hidden impulses that influence our everyday decisions. The headlines are full of stories of good people gone astray. They show up on the evening news and are splashed across the weekly tabloids.
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Examples but no help changing...
- By Rebecca on 12-13-11
By: Debbie Ford
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The perfect book for October 2018.
- By Kate Willette on 10-03-18
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Bodies on the Line
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All the Gold Stars
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Ambition—the want, the hunger, the need to achieve—is woven into America’s fabric from the first colonization to capitalism. From our first gold star assignment to acceptance at the “right” college to hustle and grinding our lives, we celebrate our drive, even as we gatekeep who is permitted to strive--and how visibly. Even as we burn out. When we can’t even. When we know: work won’t love us back.
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Another ironic 5 stars
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The Sweetness of a Simple Life
- Tips for Healthier, Happier and Kinder Living from a Visionary Natural Scientist
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The author of The Global Forest gives us her tips and advice for achieving better health and peace of mind, with frugality, simplicity and pleasure not far behind. In The Sweetness of a Simple Life, Diana Beresford-Kroeger mixes science with storytelling, wonderment, magic, myth and plenty of common sense. In this warm and wise collection of essays, she gives us a guide for living simply and well: which foods to eat and which to avoid; how to clean our homes and look after pets; how we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from illness; and why we need to appreciate nature.
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Celtic wise woman wisdom for the techno age
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Rage Becomes Her
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Women are angry, and it isn’t hard to figure out why. We are underpaid and overworked. Too sensitive or not sensitive enough. Too dowdy or too made-up. Too big or too thin. Sluts or prudes. We are harassed, told we are asking for it, and asked if it would kill us to smile. Yes, yes it would. Contrary to the rhetoric of popular “self-help” and an entire lifetime of being told otherwise, our rage is one of the most important resources we have, our sharpest tool against both personal and political oppression.
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The perfect book for October 2018.
- By Kate Willette on 10-03-18
By: Rebecca Traister
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Bodies on the Line
- At the Front Lines of the Fight to Protect Abortion in America
- By: Lauren Rankin
- Narrated by: Kate Udall
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Abortion has been legal for nearly fifty years in the United States, but the threat to its existence has never been more pressing. Clinic escorts are prepared to stand up and protect abortion access, as they have for decades, even in the face of terrorism and violence. Collecting the stories of brave volunteers from around the country, interviews with clinic staff and patients, and research and input from abortion rights experts, Bodies on the Line makes a clear case for the right to an abortion as a fundamental part of human dignity, and the stakes facing us all if it ends.
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All the Gold Stars
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Entitled
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In this bold and stylish critique, Cornell philosopher Kate Manne offers a radical new framework for understanding misogyny. Ranging widely across the culture, from Harvey Weinstein and the Brett Kavanaugh hearings to “Cat Person” and the political misfortunes of Elizabeth Warren, Manne’s book shows how privileged men’s sense of entitlement - to sex, yes, but more insidiously to admiration, care, bodily autonomy, knowledge, and power - is a pervasive social problem with often devastating consequences.
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New to the subject
- By Bruno on 08-20-20
By: Kate Manne
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Sisters in Hate
- American Women on the Front Lines of White Nationalism
- By: Seyward Darby
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Journalist Seyward Darby's "masterfully reported and incisive" (Nell Irvin Painter) exposé pulls back the curtain on modern racial and political extremism in America by telling the "eye-opening and unforgettable" (Ibram X. Kendi) account of three women immersed in the White-nationalist movement.
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Listen to this book! (But maybe alone?)
- By Aimee on 07-31-20
By: Seyward Darby
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Invisible Women
- Data Bias in a World Designed for Men
- By: Caroline Criado Perez
- Narrated by: Caroline Criado Perez
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- Unabridged
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Overall
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Data is fundamental to the modern world. From economic development, to healthcare, to education and public policy, we rely on numbers to allocate resources and make crucial decisions. But because so much data fails to take into account gender, treating men as the default and women as atypical, bias and discrimination are baked into our systems. And women pay tremendous costs for this bias in time, money, and often with their lives. Celebrated feminist advocate Caroline Criado Perez investigates the shocking root cause of gender inequality and research in Invisible Women.
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A statistical fire hose
- By B. Andresen on 09-11-19
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The Feminist Killjoy Handbook
- The Radical Potential of Getting in the Way
- By: Sara Ahmed
- Narrated by: Sara Ahmed
- Length: 9 hrs and 56 mins
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Do you refuse to laugh at offensive jokes? Have you ever been accused of ruining dinner by pointing out your companion’s sexist comment? Are you often told to stop being so “woke”? If so, you might be a feminist killjoy—and this handbook is for you. In this book, feminist theorist Sara Ahmed shows how killing joy can be a radical world-making project. Presenting sharp analysis of literature, film, and influential feminist works, and drawing on her own experiences as a queer feminist scholar-activist of color, Ahmed reveals the invaluable lessons of the feminist killjoy.
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Killing joy for a better tomorrow
- By marceleen mosher on 03-22-24
By: Sara Ahmed
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Off with Her Head
- Three Thousand Years of Demonizing Women in Power
- By: Eleanor Herman
- Narrated by: Erin Bennett
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New York Times bestseller Eleanor Herman, author of Sex with Kings and Sex with Presidents, returns with another work of popular history, exploring the history of misogyny against women with power from Cleopatra to Kamala Harris.
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Refreshing perspective
- By Kyle Stanten on 12-21-22
By: Eleanor Herman
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Hood Feminism
- Notes from the Women that a Movement Forgot
- By: Mikki Kendall
- Narrated by: Mikki Kendall
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Today's feminist movement has a glaring blind spot, and paradoxically, it is women. Mainstream feminists rarely talk about meeting basic needs as a feminist issue, argues Mikki Kendall, but food insecurity, access to quality education, safe neighborhoods, a living wage, and medical care are all feminist issues. All too often, however, the focus is not on basic survival for the many, but on increasing privilege for the few. Author Mikki Kendall takes aim at the legitimacy of the modern feminist movement arguing that it has chronically failed to address the needs of all but a few women.
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I Learned So Much!!!
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By: Mikki Kendall
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The Seventh Shrine
- Meditations on the African Spiritual Journey: From the Middle Passage to the Mountaintop
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When I navigate the currents of the soul, I find myself within my ancestral pool. I find myself swimming in their grief, and the longing during the great event and initiation called the Middle Passage. I find myself in their collective soul journey from a place of homeland to a dream of the Promised Land. This audiobook is a telling of the soul-striving of people of African heritage into the American experience of creating a community - a community created for the possibilities of new covenants within the larger collective sphere of human life.
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AI reading most of the book
- By Y. Elbert on 01-10-24
By: Orland Bishop
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Eve
- How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Human Evolution
- By: Cat Bohannon
- Narrated by: Cat Bohannon
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- Unabridged
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Why do women live longer than men? Why do women have menopause? Why are women more likely to get Alzheimer’s? Why do girls score better at every academic subject than boys until puberty, when suddenly their scores plummet? And does the female brain really exist? In Eve, Cat Bohannon answers questions scientists should have been addressing for decades. With boundless curiosity and sharp wit, she covers the past 200 million years to explain the specific science behind the development of the female sex.
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Stronger on reproductive bio, flimsy on sexuality
- By Elenita on 12-20-23
By: Cat Bohannon
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Down Girl
- The Logic of Misogyny
- By: Kate Manne
- Narrated by: Lauren Fortgang
- Length: 10 hrs and 17 mins
- Unabridged
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Performance
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Misogyny is a hot topic, yet it's often misunderstood. What is misogyny, exactly? Who deserves to be called a misogynist? How does misogyny contrast with sexism, and why is it prone to persist - or increase - even when sexist gender roles are waning? This book is an exploration of misogyny in public life and politics by the moral philosopher Kate Manne. It argues that misogyny should not be understood primarily in terms of the hatred or hostility some men feel toward all or most women. Rather, it's primarily about controlling, policing, punishing, and exiling the "bad" women.
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Five Star Book w/bad Narration
- By Cherrybomb on 02-08-19
By: Kate Manne
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Mutual Aid
- Building Solidarity During This Crisis (and the Next)
- By: Dean Spade
- Narrated by: Stephen R. Thorne
- Length: 4 hrs and 41 mins
- Unabridged
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This book is about mutual aid: why it is so important, what it looks like, and how to do it. It provides a grassroots theory of mutual aid, describes how mutual aid is a crucial part of powerful movements for social justice, and offers concrete tools for organizing, such as how to work in groups, how to foster a collective decision-making process, how to prevent and address conflict, and how to deal with burnout.
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An excellent primer on collective good
- By Robert R. Fike on 01-27-22
By: Dean Spade
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The Resilience Myth
- New Thinking on Grit, Strength, and Growth After Trauma
- By: Soraya Chemaly
- Narrated by: Soraya Chemaly
- Length: 8 hrs and 20 mins
- Unabridged
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We are often urged to rely only on ourselves for strength, mental fortitude, and positivity. But with her distinctive “skill, wit, and sharp insight” (Laura Bates, author of Girl Up), Soraya Chemaly challenges us to adapt our thinking about how we survive in a world of sustained, overlapping crises. It is interdependence and nurturing relationships that truly sustain us, she argues. Based on comprehensive research and eye-opening examples from real-life, The Resilience Myth offers alternative visions of relational hardiness by emphasizing care for others and our environments above all.
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My next book club selection
- By Tipsy Crone on 06-07-24
By: Soraya Chemaly
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Women Don't Owe You Pretty
- By: Florence Given
- Narrated by: Florence Given
- Length: 3 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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A primer on modern feminism for the Instagram generation encouraging us to question the insidious narratives that would hold us back from self-acceptance, self-love, and our own power. With her refreshingly audacious voice, Florence Given explores all corners of the conversation, from overcoming insecurity projection and the tendency to find comfort in other women’s flaws to how to recognize and fight against the male gaze and other toxic cultural baggage and embracing sex and body positivity.
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Florence’s authenticity
- By Dzindzi Wade on 11-17-24
By: Florence Given
What listeners say about On Our Best Behavior
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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- Lsmith
- 06-16-23
Insightful and empowering
This was an incredibly insightful and empowering book. I’ll need to read it again to fully grasp the message as I’m sure I missed some valuable info.
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- Noa Maiman
- 07-15-23
Important book
Listening to the book really made a difference in my life. At times disturbing, at times reassuring it made a lot of things make sense.
It took me a bit to get into it, but once I did I could t stop,
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- Brittany B.
- 07-06-23
Brilliant
This book is the most well written book I have ever read. It is truly life changing. The author thought of every detail and left no stone unturned. There was so much truth in each page, that I found myself re reading many of them, as well as having to put it down for a day or two to grapple with everything she pointed out. It’s a must read for our time!!! Thank you Elise for creating this book.
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- Jennifer Conklin
- 09-26-23
Great listen
Well researched and told- I enjoyed every minute. It was thought provoking and easy to understand.
Thank you Elise!
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- Alicia Schumacher
- 06-08-23
Love
Love this book! My hope is all will read/listen and reflect on how best to deconstruct our patriarchal society.
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- c p
- 06-28-23
no surprise
Elise hit a home run. Are we really surprised? She is one of the most brilliant humans I know. I used to cringe hearing the word "patriarchy" thrown around like it was the trendy thing to discuss. I quickly realized how much I did not know/realize about it. My mind was blown and expanded time and time again as I read this book. Thank you, Elise, for being intelligent enough and brave/vulnerable enough to put these much needed words out into the Universe.
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- Courtney Nestler
- 07-23-23
Every Woman NEEDS to read this book
I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Sometimes thru tears, rage, and sadness but wow how I needed this book.
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- M.T.
- 01-31-24
Shadow Work at its finest.
This book is an in depth look at the parts u
Of us that we have been taught to ignore. It shows clearly that when we do have the courage to look at those shadowy parts of us that is where true power lies to heal and transcend the modern day challenges of Patriarchy.
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- Jessica
- 05-29-23
Loved it!
I will be gifting this for all of my friends! So insightful and thought provoking! I can’t wait for Elise to write more.
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- EGV
- 08-14-23
Essential reading
This book is essential reading for all. I can’t recommend it highly enough. Elise is brilliant and this is a thorough investigation of the waters in which we swim unwittingly.
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