
Self-Reg
How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life
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Narrated by:
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Robert Fass
About this listen
The first parenting book to bring the science and psychology of children's behavior together to build brain/body awareness for self-regulation and success.
Self-Reg is a groundbreaking book that presents an entirely new understanding of your child's emotions and behavior and serves as a practical guide for parents to help their kids engage calmly and successfully in learning and life. Rooted in decades of clinical practice and research by leading child psychologist Dr. Stuart Shanker, Self-Reg realigns the power of the parent-child relationship for positive change.
Self-regulation is the nervous system's way of responding to stress. We are seeing a generation of children and teens with excessively high levels of stress and, as a result, an explosion of emotional, social, learning, behavior, and physical health problems. But few parents recognize the hidden stressors that their children are struggling with physiologically as well as socially and emotionally. An entrenched view of childrearing is seeing our children as lacking self-control or willpower, but the real basis for these problems lies in excessive stress.
Self-regulation can dramatically improve a child's mood, attention, and concentration. It can help children to feel empathy and to develop the sorts of virtues that every parent knows are vital for their child's long-term well-being. Self-regulation brings about profound and lasting transformation that continues to mature throughout life.
Shanker translates decades of his findings from working with children into practical, prescriptive advice for parents, giving them concrete ways to develop their self-regulation skills and teach their children how to do the same for optimal learning, social, and emotional growth as well as for overall well-being.
©2016 Stuart Shanker (P)2016 Penguin AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“Though this book takes children’s needs as its focus, it is really focused on providing guidance - and even a degree of consolation - to adults as they navigate the often tricky parent-child relationship. Shanker gives readers clear explanations of even the more complex neurological information, such as the role of the limbic system, as well as ample diagrams. And the discussion does not stop at the early childhood stage, moving ultimately into adolescence. If the stressed populations most in need of this book’s lessons can find the time to read it, they will appreciate its potential to bring the minds of both parent and child to a state of heightened attentiveness with minimal anxiety.” (Publishers Weekly)
"Comprehensive data backs up a much-tested system that assists parents in getting their children to a calmer state of mind....straightforward and will be useful for any age level." (Kirkus Reviews)
“Our digital age is stressful, frantic and over-stimulating. Raising a child today requires an understanding of self-regulation. Self-Reg is a wonderful guide for parents, a way to understand the hidden stressors facing children, and their neurological, psychological, social, and emotional effects. Dr. Shanker helps parents not just to understand the meaning of their child’s behavior with compassion, but, just as essentially, how to calm themselves in order to better guide their children toward more positively engaged living.” (Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD, author of The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age)
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The Explosive Child
- A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children
- By: Dr. Ross W. Greene
- Narrated by: Dr. Ross W. Greene
- Length: 2 hrs and 38 mins
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Dr. Ross Greene, a distinguished clinician and pioneer in the treatment of kids with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges, has worked with thousands of explosive children, and he has good news: these kids aren't attentionseeking, manipulative, or unmotivated, and their parents aren't passive, permissive disciplinarians. Rather, explosive kids are lacking some crucial skills in the domains of flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving, and they require a different approach.
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I started to cry....and this Dad doesn't do that
- By Jj on 02-26-15
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Calm the Chaos
- A Failproof Road Map for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids
- By: Dayna Abraham
- Narrated by: Dayna Abraham
- Length: 9 hrs and 3 mins
- Unabridged
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Strong-willed, spirited, explosive, and highly sensitive are just a few of the most common labels for challenging kids. Whether your child has been diagnosed with a behavioral condition, labeled, or is just harder than other children you’ve met, you are in luck. Parenting expert, Dayna Abraham is here to help. Calm the Chaos is a clearly organized, methodical approach to parenting. Dayna has created a road map to help parents find peace and meet their kids where they are at when conventional parenting tools have failed.
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Great book that also covers neurodivergent parents and neurodivergent children
- By Jason on 02-18-24
By: Dayna Abraham
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The Yes Brain
- How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child
- By: Daniel J. Siegel M.D., Tina Payne Bryson
- Narrated by: Daniel J. Siegel M.D., Tina Payne Bryson
- Length: 5 hrs and 56 mins
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When facing contentious issues such as screen time, food choices, and bedtime, children often act out or shut down, responding with reactivity instead of receptivity. This is what New York Times best-selling authors Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson call a No Brain response. But our kids can be taught to approach life with openness and curiosity. When kids work from a Yes Brain, they’re more willing to take chances and explore. They’re more curious and imaginative. They’re better at relationships and handling adversity.
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Where is the PDF
- By Erin on 02-15-18
By: Daniel J. Siegel M.D., and others
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Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors
- Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work
- By: Robyn Gobbel
- Narrated by: Robyn Gobbel
- Length: 9 hrs and 43 mins
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Parenting and neuroscience expert Robyn Gobbel is here to reveal how all behavior, no matter how baffling, can be explained and remedied. You just need to look past the behavior and understand what's going on inside. Robyn decodes the latest brain science into easy-to-understand principles and metaphors to help you become an expert in your child's behavior. She reveals simple ways to help you regulate and connect with your child, with brain-, body- and sensory-based strategies to overcome day-to-day challenges.
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Just wish it never ended!
- By Rebecca Sgambati on 04-12-25
By: Robyn Gobbel
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Lost at School
- Why Our Kids with Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them
- By: Ross W. Greene PhD
- Narrated by: Nick Podehl
- Length: 10 hrs and 2 mins
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School discipline is broken. Too often, the kids who need our help the most are viewed as disrespectful, out of control, and beyond help, and are often the recipients of our most ineffective, most punitive interventions. These students - and their parents, teachers, and administrators - are frustrated and desperate for answers. Dr. Ross W. Greene, author of the acclaimed book The Explosive Child, offers educators and parents a different framework for understanding challenging behavior.
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Interesting insights
- By AGrady on 07-11-16
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Gifted and Distractible
- Understanding, Supporting, and Advocating for Your Twice Exceptional Child
- By: Julie F. Skolnick
- Narrated by: Julie F. Skolnick
- Length: 11 hrs and 4 mins
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This much-needed and empowering guide reveals the unique challenges these remarkable kids face, and offers strength-based, hands-on strategies for understanding, supporting, and advocating for twice exceptional kids. In a world that labels them lazy, scattered, attention-seeking, and a problem that can’t be solved, these tools will help you reimagine the world through your child’s unique perspective—so you can help them thrive.
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Must read for parents and teachers!
- By Kandi Fisher on 01-13-25
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Co-Regulation Handbook
- Creating Competent, Authentic Roles for Kids with Social Learning Differences, So We All Stay Positively Connected Through the Ups and Downs of Learning
- By: Linda K. Murphy
- Narrated by: Elsa Levytsky
- Length: 2 hrs and 58 mins
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Do you know a child who struggles to get started with things or who resists trying something new? Maybe they argue or have trouble joining other kids in conversation and play. Do you hear yourself prompting your child again and again? Do you feel frustrated or stuck, and long for a better way - a more positive way - to engage your child while guiding them toward independence? This book was written for parents, caregivers, professionals, and more - to guide you on how to move away from prompting and prodding kids - and toward authentic connections and competent roles.
By: Linda K. Murphy
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Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
- The Heart of Parenting
- By: John Gottman PhD
- Narrated by: Roy Worley
- Length: 8 hrs and 4 mins
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Based on 20 years of research at the University of Washington studying parent-child interactions, award-winning research psychologist John Gottman and his team have developed Emotion Coaching - a technique parents can use to teach their children self-awareness and self-control and to foster good emotional development. This proven technique has demonstrated a positive effect on children's physical health, academic achievement, and emotional well-being.
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My parenting philosophy, in writing!
- By Dave on 03-03-21
By: John Gottman PhD
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What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew
- Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life
- By: Dr. Sharon Saline, Dr. Laura Markham
- Narrated by: Dr. Sharon Saline, Cassandra Campbell
- Length: 7 hrs and 23 mins
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Veteran psychologist Sharon Saline shares the words and inner struggles of children and teens living with ADHD - and a blueprint for achieving lasting success by working together. Based on more than 25 years of experience counseling young people and their families, Dr. Saline’s advice and real-world examples reveal how parents can shift the dynamic and truly help kids succeed.
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Thoughtful and Practical
- By Sun-Sensitive on 04-28-19
By: Dr. Sharon Saline, and others
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Platonic
- How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends
- By: Marisa G. Franco PhD
- Narrated by: Marisa G. Franco PhD
- Length: 10 hrs and 57 mins
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How do we make and keep friends in an era of distraction, burnout, and chaos, especially in a society that often prizes romantic love at the expense of other relationships? In Platonic, Dr. Marisa G. Franco unpacks the latest, often counterintuitive findings about the bonds between us—for example, why your friends aren’t texting you back (it’s not because they hate you!), and the myth of “friendships happening organically” (making friends, like cultivating any relationship, requires effort!).
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Too much and yet, not enough
- By Kali on 04-05-23
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The Whole-Brain Child
- 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
- By: Daniel J. Siegel M.D., Tina Payne Bryson
- Narrated by: Daniel J. Siegel M.D., Tina Payne Bryson
- Length: 6 hrs and 14 mins
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In this pioneering, practical book, Daniel J. Siegel, neuropsychiatrist and author of the bestselling Mindsight, and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson offer a revolutionary approach to child rearing with twelve key strategies that foster healthy brain development, leading to calmer, happier children. The authors explain—and make accessible—the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures.
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Several comments on the brain were incorrect.
- By Abelle on 04-18-23
By: Daniel J. Siegel M.D., and others
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Smart but Scattered
- The Revolutionary 'Executive Skills' Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential
- By: Peg Dawson, Richard Guare
- Narrated by: Susan Ericksen
- Length: 11 hrs and 51 mins
- Unabridged
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There's nothing more frustrating than watching your bright, talented son or daughter struggle with everyday tasks like finishing homework, putting away toys, or following instructions at school. Your "smart but scattered" child might also have trouble coping with disappointment or managing anger. Drs. Peg Dawson and Richard Guare have great news: There's a lot you can do to help.
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Lots of tables and worksheets make this inappropriate for audio
- By Kate Aiken on 05-23-16
By: Peg Dawson, and others
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The Highly Sensitive Child
- Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them
- By: Elaine N. Aron PhD
- Narrated by: Caroline Hewitt
- Length: 12 hrs and 55 mins
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With the publication of The Highly Sensitive Person, pioneering psychotherapist Dr. Elaine Aron became the first person to identify the inborn trait of “high sensitivity” and to show how it affects the lives of those who possess it. In The Highly Sensitive Child, Dr. Aron shifts her focus to the 15 to 20 percent of children who are born highly sensitive—deeply reflective, sensitive to the subtle, and easily overwhelmed.
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I’m LOVING this book so far!!!
- By Honestly on 04-16-24
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Anchored
- How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory
- By: Deb Dana, Stephen Porges PhD - Foreword by
- Narrated by: Deb Dana
- Length: 6 hrs and 22 mins
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An intense conversation, a spat with a partner, or even an obnoxious tweet - these situations aren't life-or-death, yet we often react as if they are. That's because our bodies treat most perceived threats the same way. Yet one approach has proven to be incredibly effective in training our nervous system to stop overreacting: polyvagal theory. In Anchored, expert teacher Deb Dana shares a down-to-earth presentation of polyvagal theory, then brings the science to life with practical, everyday ways to transform your relationship with your body.
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Know thyself.
- By Debora on 04-17-22
By: Deb Dana, and others
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No-Drama Discipline
- The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
- By: Tina Payne Bryson PhD, Daniel j. Siegel MD
- Narrated by: Daniel J. Siegel MD, Tina Payne Bryson PhD
- Length: 8 hrs and 18 mins
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Highlighting the fascinating link between a child’s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior, No-Drama Discipline provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears - without causing a scene. Defining the true meaning of the “d” word (to instruct, not to shout or reprimand), the authors explain how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth.
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I Can See Light At The End Of My Tunnel
- By G Busi on 02-23-15
By: Tina Payne Bryson PhD, and others
What listeners say about Self-Reg
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- Rach
- 01-16-22
Best book on belong yourself and your children.
This was one of the most informative and helpful audiobooks that I have listened to. I have been a practicing therapist for over 20 years and I listen to and read 10-15 therapy related books each year. This book has helped me to look at therapy and human needs (my clients AND my own) in a very different manner. I recommend it for everyone but especially anyone in the helping or teaching professions as well as anyone with their own children.
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- KTinNYC
- 04-26-17
Illuminating
This book really helped me understand some of my child's behaviors, and better yet what to do about them. I do wish the action steps provided were a little more robust, but just understanding my role better will, I think, be immensely helpful for both of us.
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- LCT
- 11-14-18
Lens changing look at your kids and self
The information conveyed in this story has been a game changer as a parent. It has helped me view my children's behavior through an entirely different lens and has helped us through the ups and downs of parenting. I highly recommend this read for parents and educators. #Parentingtips #Lenschange #Forthekids #Tagsgiving #Sweepstakes
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- Lori M.
- 12-14-21
But what is it?
There are some fantastic insights here, but after listening to the book, I still had no clue what the 5 steps to “self reg” actually were …
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- Tina Ball
- 10-21-19
A must for parents and teachers
A balance of Leading Edge science, psychology and heart centered parenting. The author puts in just enough examples from real life. The part about adolescence and self care was especially meaningful.
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- L. B.
- 09-19-22
Important read for all
Amazing insights. Such an important book for parents, teachers and all humans! Self regulation is at the heart of everything.
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- Firecracker
- 01-25-19
Loved it!
This will help me so much in so many ways! Best book ever! I can't wait to tell others!
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- Prime Member
- 02-28-24
Excellent Read!
for all those parents who have kids with ADHD, this is a must read. I would also encourage those adult who have issues with self regulating for whatever reason to read the book as well. 
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- Kate Malinowski
- 12-02-24
Good start, good ending, meh middle
The first few chapters and the final chapter saved this book from a mere 3 stars.
Misbehavior is usually a stress response. The stress response turns on the physical and turns off the mental. There’s no rational part of stress only fight, flight, or freeze. Approach the deregulated child by changing the physical—dim lighting, lower sounds, give a hug or a hand. Above all, stay regulated yourself—though it’s not easy.
I found the sections on the interbrain, the emotional connection between parent and child, to be helpful. The parent’s emotional reaction matters.
The middle chapters were just stories about children and teens. Shanker gave a lot of info you know already. Video games over stimulate. Social media is not social. Junk food makes everyone feel worse. Exercise and sleep make everyone feel better.
Also, there was quite a bit of rural moralizing. Shanker thinks that urban and suburban environments are over stimulating. I think that’s a stretch. Maybe it’s true, but I think getting my child off Fortnite would be more useful than moving Grandpa’s farm. There are plenty of negatives to rural life as well. Shanker doesn’t mention any of them.
I was hopeful at the start of the book that Shanker would give some calming activities. He says in the first chapter or so that meditation isn’t for everyone and I was so relieved to hear it. That’s why I kept going. By the end of the book he has only mentioned breathing, yoga, and calming quiet music. I don’t mean to be dismissive, but those are recommendations an adult may never try.
If you’ve started the book and don’t want to finish it, skip to the final chapter. It all starts with the parents and not the child. I appreciate Shanker letting go of parenting styles and telling you it’s never too late to start. I have started belly breathing and it is helpful…for me, the parent.
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- W. White
- 09-28-16
Phenomenal
I've read over 30 parenting books in the past couple of years, including excellent pieces by Tsabari, Greene, Markham, & Siegal, but I found Self-Reg really touched a chord, and is the perfect complement for those other works, which I'll continue to revisit. Self-Reg has the advantage of being something that I'm already using myself, for myself, not just in my role as a parent, but also as a physician, educator, husband, artist, and human. The narrator's soothing voice made learning the material easier, very much in keeping with the basic premise of Self-Reg. It has even changed my meditation practice to a practice of self-regulation, and that has made all the difference. I believe I'm already a better parent, ironically, just as my child became a better son. :-) Go figure! I really like this book, I just started my second read/listen, this time via Kindle version.
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20 people found this helpful