What the Hell Did I Just Read
A Novel of Cosmic Horror
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Narrated by:
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Stephen R. Thorne
About this listen
It's the story "They" don't want you to listen to. Though, to be fair, "They" are probably right about this one. To quote the Bible, "Learning the truth can be like loosening a necktie, only to realize it was the only thing keeping your head attached". No, don't put the book back on the shelf - it is now your duty to purchase it to prevent others from listening to it. Yes, it works with audiobooks, too, I don't have time to explain how.
While investigating a fairly straightforward case of a shape-shifting interdimensional child predator, Dave, John, and Amy realized there might actually be something weird going on. Together, they navigate a diabolically convoluted maze of illusions, lies, and their own incompetence in an attempt to uncover a terrible truth they - like you - would be better off not knowing.
Your first impulse will be to think that a story this gruesome - and, to be frank, stupid - cannot possibly be true. That is precisely the reaction "They" are hoping for.
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Story
John Wayne Cleaver is dangerous, and he knows it. He's obsessed with serial killers, but really doesn't want to become one. So for his own sake, and the safety of those around him, he lives by rigid rules he's written for himself, practicing normal life as if it were a private religion that could save him from damnation. Dead bodies are normal to John. They don't demand or expect the empathy he's unable to offer. Perhaps that's what gives him the objectivity to recognize that there's something different about the body the police have just found behind the Wash-n-Dry Laundromat - and to appreciate what that difference means.
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WRONG CATEGORY - THIS IS NOT A MYSTERY
- By guy on 02-27-19
By: Dan Wells
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Monster Hunter International
- By: Larry Correia
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman
- Length: 24 hrs
- Unabridged
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Five days after Owen Zastava Pitt pushed his insufferable boss out of a 14th story window, he woke up in the hospital with a scarred face, an unbelievable memory, and a job offer. It turns out that monsters are real. All the things from myth, legend, and B-movies are out there, waiting in the shadows. Some of them are evil, and some are just hungry. Monster Hunter International is the premier eradication company in the business. And now Owen is their newest recruit.
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Suprizingly entertaining
- By Konstantin on 02-17-12
By: Larry Correia
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Raising Stony Mayhall
- By: Daryl Gregory
- Narrated by: David Marantz
- Length: 12 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Story
In 1968, after the first zombie outbreak, Wanda Mayhall and her three young daughters discover the body of a teenage mother during a snowstorm. Wrapped in the woman's arms is a baby - stone-cold, not breathing, and without a pulse. But then his eyes open and look up at Wanda, and he begins to move.The family hides the child - whom they name Stony - rather than turn him over to authorities who would destroy him. Against all scientific reason, the undead boy begins to grow....
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You'll wish you lived as much as this undead boy
- By Maryland on 10-27-11
By: Daryl Gregory
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Rise Again
- A Zombie Thriller
- By: Ben Tripp
- Narrated by: Kirsten Potter
- Length: 16 hrs
- Unabridged
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Filled with adventurous human drama-and shocking inhuman horror - Rise Again is a vivid and powerful debut novel of the zombie apocalypse.
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SHE TOOK A SPATULA AND SCRAPPED HIS FACE OFF THE
- By Jim "The Impatient" on 04-13-17
By: Ben Tripp
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The Brotherhood of the Wheel
- By: R. S. Belcher
- Narrated by: Bronson Pinchot
- Length: 14 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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In AD 1119, a group of nine crusaders became known as the Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon - a militant monastic order charged with protecting pilgrims and caravans traveling on the roads to and from the Holy Land. In time, the Knights Templar would grow in power and, ultimately, be laid low. But a small offshoot of the Templars endure and have returned to the order's original mission: to defend the roads of the world and guard those who travel on them.
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Epic Battle Brewing
- By Doug D. Eigsti on 03-29-16
By: R. S. Belcher
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Superheroes
- By: Peter S. Beagle, Daryl Gregory, James Patrick Kelly, and others
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman, Joe Barrett, Christina Delaine, and others
- Length: 17 hrs and 5 mins
- Unabridged
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Modern gods and goddesses, remote, revered - and like the pantheon of heroes and heroines of ancient myth - possessing great power tempered with flaws. Now, find within this anthology great tales by gifted and award-winning authors who move superheroes from the four-color panels of comic books to the fantastic pages of fiction, stories that will remind anyone who ever wanted to wear a cape or don a cowl of the extraordinary powers of the imagination!
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Pretentious tired old concepts
- By BookofJoy on 12-29-14
By: Peter S. Beagle, and others
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Meddling Kids
- A Novel
- By: Edgar Cantero
- Narrated by: Kyla Garcia
- Length: 12 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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Performance
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Story
Summer 1977. The Blyton Summer Detective Club (of Blyton Hills, a small mining town in Oregon's Zoinx River Valley) solved their final mystery and unmasked the elusive Sleepy Lake monster - another low-life fortune hunter trying to get his dirty hands on the legendary riches hidden in Deboën Mansion. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.
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should have been a YA novel
- By Bearded Barista on 08-20-17
By: Edgar Cantero
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Allison Hewitt Is Trapped
- A Zombie Novel
- By: Madeleine Roux
- Narrated by: Piper Goodeve
- Length: 11 hrs and 8 mins
- Unabridged
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One woman's story as she blogs about - and fights back against - the zombie apocalypse.
Allison Hewitt and her five colleagues at the Brooks and Peabody Bookstore are trapped together when the zombie outbreak hits. Allison reaches out for help through her blog, writing on her laptop. It may also be her only chance to reach her mother. But as the reality of their situation sinks in, Allison's blog becomes a harrowing account of her edge-of-the-seat adventures.
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lots of potential but disappointing
- By Linda B on 04-29-11
By: Madeleine Roux
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Sandman Slim
- Sandman Slim, Book 1
- By: Richard Kadrey
- Narrated by: MacLeod Andrews
- Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
When he was 19, James Stark was considered to be one of the greatest natural magicians, a reputation that got him demon-snatched and sent downtown - to Hell - where he survived as a gladiator, a sideshow freak entertaining Satan's fallen angels. That was 11 years ago. Now, the hitman who goes only by Stark has escaped and is back in L.A. Armed with a fortune-telling coin, a black bone knife, and an infernal key, Stark is determined to destroy the magic circle.
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jack bauer + spawn = sandman slim
- By Mike Naka on 11-03-12
By: Richard Kadrey
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Gone
- Gone Series, Book 1
- By: Michael Grant
- Narrated by: Kyle McCarley
- Length: 17 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
In the blink of an eye, everyone disappears. Gone. Except for the young. There are teens, but not one single adult. Just as suddenly, there are no phones, no Internet, no television. No way to get help. And no way to figure out what's happened. Hunger threatens. Bullies rule. A sinister creature lurks. Animals are mutating. And the teens themselves are changing, developing new talents - unimaginable, dangerous, deadly powers - that grow stronger by the day. It's a terrifying new world.
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Please rerelease this book w new narration
- By Kim on 02-12-17
By: Michael Grant
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The Long Way Down
- Daniel Faust, Book 1
- By: Craig Schaefer
- Narrated by: Adam Verner
- Length: 9 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Nobody knows the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas like Daniel Faust, a sorcerer for hire and ex-gangster who uses black magic and bullets to solve his clients' problems. When an old man comes seeking vengeance for his murdered granddaughter, what looks like a simple job quickly spirals out of control. Soon Daniel stands in the crossfire between a murderous porn director; a corrupt cop with a quick trigger finger; and his own former employer, a racket boss who isn't entirely human.
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Urban fantasy noir. Done right..
- By Cliff on 02-19-15
By: Craig Schaefer
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The Dirty Streets of Heaven
- Volume One of Bobby Dollar
- By: Tad Williams
- Narrated by: George Newbern
- Length: 15 hrs and 35 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Bobby Dollar is an angel - a real one. He knows a lot about sin, and not just in his professional capacity as an advocate for souls caught between Heaven and Hell. Bobby’s wrestling with a few deadly sins of his own - pride, anger, even lust. But his problems aren’t all his fault. Bobby can’t entirely trust his heavenly superiors, and he’s not too sure about any of his fellow earthbound angels either, especially the new kid that Heaven has dropped into their midst, a trainee angel who asks too many questions.
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Angel Noir
- By Michael on 10-17-12
By: Tad Williams
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Undertow
- By: Michael Buckley
- Narrated by: Jennifer Grace
- Length: 11 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
When Lyric Walker was 14 years old, her life was turned upside down when she witnessed a world-changing event - the arrival of the Triton, a five-nation race of warrior merpeople who walked out of the sea and camped on the beaches of modern-day Coney Island. Suddenly her neighborhood was home to a new minority group numbering in the tens of thousands. But the Triton's arrival also revealed a shocking family secret: Her own mother was a mermaid.
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I loved “Undertow” by Michael Buckley.
- By love2dazzle on 11-13-17
By: Michael Buckley
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STOP. You should not have touched this flyer with your bare hands. NO, don't put it down. It's too late. They're watching you. My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours. You may not want to know about the things you'll read on these pages, about the sauce, about Korrok, about the invasion, and the future. But it's too late. You touched the book. You're in the game. You're under the eye. The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why?
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This whole city is a butt that farts horror.
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I'm Starting to Worry About This Black Box of Doom
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Outside Los Angeles, a driver pulls up to find a young woman sitting on a large black box. She offers him $200,000 cash to transport her and that box across the country, to Washington, DC. But there are rules: He cannot look inside the box. He cannot ask questions. He cannot tell anyone. They must leave immediately. He must leave all trackable devices behind. As these eccentric misfits hit the road, rumors spread on social media that the box is part of a carefully orchestrated terror attack intended to plunge the USA into civil war.
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Good writing, interesting take, disappointed with ending for me at least
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Keisha Lewis lived a quiet life with her wife, Alice, until the day Alice disappeared. After months of searching, presuming she was dead, Keisha held a funeral, mourned, and gradually tried to get on with her life. But that was before Keisha started to see her wife, again and again, in the background of news reports from all over America. Alice isn't dead, and she is showing up at every major tragedy and accident in the country. Following a line of clues, Keisha takes a job as a long-haul truck driver and begins searching for Alice.
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Great story, but conditionally recommended.
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Growing Things and Other Stories
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A chilling collection of psychological suspense and literary horror from the multiple award-winning author of the national best seller The Cabin at the End of the World and A Head Full of Ghosts. A masterful anthology featuring 19 pieces of short fiction, Growing Things and Other Stories is an exciting glimpse into Paul Tremblay’s fantastically fertile imagination.
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Paul Tremblay is totally nuts.
- By Gary & Jay on 07-07-19
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By the Light of Dead Stars
- Beyond the Lost Coast, Book 1
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When tragedy shatters 13-year-old Zelda Ruiz’s adolescence, she retreats with her uncle Mark to the bucolic town of Greywood Bay. But nothing can prepare them for the malignant terror that has long coveted these lands.
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Troubled town torn apart by its secrets
- By Lori on 07-03-23
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John Dies at the End
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STOP. You should not have touched this flyer with your bare hands. NO, don't put it down. It's too late. They're watching you. My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours. You may not want to know about the things you'll read on these pages, about the sauce, about Korrok, about the invasion, and the future. But it's too late. You touched the book. You're in the game. You're under the eye. The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why?
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Vulgar Funny. 4.95 Sale Win.
- By C Yohe on 11-19-12
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Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits
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In a prosperous yet gruesomely violent near future, superhero vigilantes battle thugs whose heads are full of supervillain fantasies. The peace is kept by a team of smooth, well-dressed negotiators called The Men in Fancy Suits. Meanwhile a young girl is caught in the middle and thinks the whole thing is ridiculous. Zoey, a recent college graduate with a worthless degree, makes a reluctant trip into the city after hearing that her estranged con artist father died in a mysterious yet spectacular way.
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This whole city is a butt that farts horror.
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Outside Los Angeles, a driver pulls up to find a young woman sitting on a large black box. She offers him $200,000 cash to transport her and that box across the country, to Washington, DC. But there are rules: He cannot look inside the box. He cannot ask questions. He cannot tell anyone. They must leave immediately. He must leave all trackable devices behind. As these eccentric misfits hit the road, rumors spread on social media that the box is part of a carefully orchestrated terror attack intended to plunge the USA into civil war.
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Good writing, interesting take, disappointed with ending for me at least
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By: Jason Pargin
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Alice Isn't Dead
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- Length: 8 hrs and 44 mins
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Keisha Lewis lived a quiet life with her wife, Alice, until the day Alice disappeared. After months of searching, presuming she was dead, Keisha held a funeral, mourned, and gradually tried to get on with her life. But that was before Keisha started to see her wife, again and again, in the background of news reports from all over America. Alice isn't dead, and she is showing up at every major tragedy and accident in the country. Following a line of clues, Keisha takes a job as a long-haul truck driver and begins searching for Alice.
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Great story, but conditionally recommended.
- By Hayley Lambert on 11-02-18
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Growing Things and Other Stories
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Paul Tremblay is totally nuts.
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There are angels, and they are not beneficent or loving. But they do watch over us. They watch our lives unfold, analyzing us for repeating patterns and redundancies. When they find them, the angels simplify those patterns and remove the redundancies, and the problem that is "you" gets solved.
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Left wanting
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Since We Fell
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Overall
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Since We Fell follows Rachel Childs, a former journalist who, after an on-air mental breakdown, now lives as a virtual shut-in. In all other respects, however, she enjoys an ideal life with an ideal husband. Until a chance encounter on a rainy afternoon causes that ideal life to fray. As does Rachel's marriage. As does Rachel herself. Sucked into a conspiracy thick with deception, violence, and possibly madness, Rachel must find the strength within herself to conquer unimaginable fears and mind-altering truths.
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Wait ....
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By: Dennis Lehane
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The Art of Starving
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Matt hasn't eaten in days. His stomach stabs and twists inside, pleading for a meal, but Matt won't give in. The hunger clears his mind, keeps him sharp - and he needs to be as sharp as possible if he's going to find out just how Tariq and his band of high school bullies drove his sister, Maya, away. Matt's hardworking mom keeps the kitchen crammed with food, but Matt can resist the siren call of casseroles and cookies because he has discovered something: the less he eats the more he seems to have...powers.
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Transformative book!
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By: Sam J. Miller
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Cursed Cocktails
- Tales of Aedrea
- By: S.L. Rowland
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After 20 years defending the frozen north against some of the most dangerous threats in the nine kingdoms, Rhoren “Bloodbane” has finally earned his retirement. While the blood mage's service to the realm may have ended, burning veins and aching joints remain, and Rhoren soon learns that a warmer climate offers relief from his chronic pain.
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Cozy book to have a cocktail with
- By A Murphy on 10-30-23
By: S.L. Rowland
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BuyMort: Grand Opening: How I Became the Accidental Warlord of Arizona
- Shopocalypse Saga, Book 1
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After the arrival of the multiversal monopoly BuyMort, life got brutal. All systems were through BuyMort. All currency was through BuyMort. All sales were through BuyMort. You could resist, you could compete, but it didn’t really matter because in the end you used BuyMort—or you perished. BuyMort be praised. But not everyone’s happy with the new system. Some, even, want to see it destroyed. It’s quick. It’s convenient. And it will help people kill you and your family as readily as it will help them sell you knickknacks for a quick mortie.
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Funny
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By: Damien Hanson, and others
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Will Save the Galaxy for Food
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- Narrated by: Yahtzee Croshaw
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Space travel just isn't what it used to be. With the invention of quantum teleportation, space heroes aren't needed anymore. When one particularly unlucky ex-adventurer masquerades as famous pilot and hate figure Jacques McKeown, he's sucked into an ever-deepening corporate and political intrigue. Between space pirates, adorable deadly creatures, and a missing fortune in royalties, saving the universe was never this difficult!
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Great
- By K. F. on 03-09-17
By: Yahtzee Croshaw
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Tell Me What I Am
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- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Nessa Garvey’s sister Deena vanished without a trace in Philadelphia in 2004. In all that time, Nessa has never once doubted what her instincts told her: her sister’s ex-husband has gotten away with an unspeakable crime. Nessa’s niece, Ruby, is raised by her father, the man Nessa suspects, in rural Vermont, on the shores of Lake Champlain. Ruby learns how to hunt, how the plants and trees grow, how to avoid making her father angry. The one question she longs to ask is the one she knows she cannot voice: What really happened to her mother?
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Beautifully written!
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Platoon F: Comedy Sci-Fi Bundle
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Story
Captain Don Harr is being punished due to a mistake made by the military. He's basically "taking one for the team," even though he's doing so under protest. He has been physically altered, given a new identity, and placed in charge of the antiquated ship known as The SSMC Reluctant. His crew is full of misfits, including a by-the-book first-officer who dreams of one day becoming the captain of the ship, a surfer-type ensign who always has pervy thoughts on his mind, and an old-style engineering robot from the G33Z3R line who fittingly calls himself "Geezer."
By: John P. Logsdon, and others
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I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself
- A Novel
- By: Marisa Crane
- Narrated by: Bailey Carr
- Length: 8 hrs and 29 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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In a United States not so unlike our own, the Department of Balance has adopted a radical new form of law enforcement: rather than incarceration, wrongdoers are given a second (and sometimes, third, fourth, and fifth) shadow as a reminder of their crime—and a warning to those they encounter. Within the Department, corruption and prejudice run rampant, giving rise to an underclass of so-called Shadesters who are disenfranchised, publicly shamed, and deprived of civil rights protections.
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visuals would be better
- By Ophelia Bee on 04-30-23
By: Marisa Crane
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In Times Like These: Mega Boxed Set
- By: Nathan Van Coops
- Narrated by: Neil Hellegers
- Length: 61 hrs and 7 mins
- Unabridged
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Story
Can you outrun the past? Can you outlive the future? One time traveler must find out. Accidental time traveler Ben Travers is thrown into a multiverse of adventure in this action-adventure through past and future. This compilation includes: In Times Like These, The Chronothon, The Day After Never, and The Warp Clock. Now you can get them in one volume! All the adventure at a fraction of the price. Start your time travel adventure today, because yesterday may be too late!
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Unfortunate
- By Kylee on 05-08-22
By: Nathan Van Coops
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Gut
- The Inside Story of Our Body's Most Underrated Organ
- By: Giulia Enders
- Narrated by: Katy Sobey
- Length: 7 hrs and 26 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Our gut is almost as important to us as our brain, yet we know very little about how it works. Gut: The Inside Story is an entertaining, informative tour of the digestive system from the moment we raise a tasty morsel to our lips until the moment our body surrenders the remnants to the toilet bowl. No topic is too lowly for the author's wonder and admiration, from the careful choreography of breaking wind to the precise internal communication required for a cleansing vomit.
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Doctors opinion
- By KevinMcVeigh on 03-02-17
By: Giulia Enders
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The Colour of Magic
- Discworld, Book 1
- By: Terry Pratchett
- Narrated by: Colin Morgan, Peter Serafinowicz, Bill Nighy
- Length: 7 hrs and 58 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Somewhere on the frontier between thought and reality exists the Discworld, a parallel time and place that might sound and smell very much like our own, but which looks completely different. Particularly as it’s carried though space on the back of a giant turtle (sex unknown). It plays by different rules. But then, some things are the same everywhere. The Disc’s very existence is about to be threatened by a strange new blight: the world’s first tourist, upon whose survival rests the peace and prosperity of the land.
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TERRIBLE Narration!
- By Kayla I on 07-08-22
By: Terry Pratchett
What listeners say about What the Hell Did I Just Read
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- Robert J
- 10-30-17
Ridiculously funny
It’s just delightfully funny. Read the first two. Excellent audiobook. Never a dull moment. I was skeptical but after a pitch by my friend I was hooked and the movie is great too.
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- ShoParker
- 10-05-17
Another Ass-some tale of two dumb asses with substance and monster problems.
Each novel takes place at a different point in Dave, John and Amy's life and the tone of the story reflects that. Another great piece of fiction written in such a way as to not now what actually happened in the town of Undisclosed during the flood, as in the two previous books.
The dick punching and obvert violence and gore had been softened up and a lighter tone has been added to the action.
The characters and humour is the same, but matured since it's " Dildo's all the way down, baby!"
The left-leaning preachiness that popped up here and there in Spiders is not present. Wong's inclusion of a Marine Veteran is handled with an empathy that fits within the Soy-verse of David and John. Even though, like many who have not served he confuses our titles. A Marine is not a Soldier, a Soldier is not a Paratrooper, a Sailor is not a Marine or Soldier and an Airman is not part of the Military.
Only book I have pre-ordered and finished this quickly-looking forward to more.
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- Jessica
- 10-18-17
I am genuinely upset right now.
I knew from just a few minutes in that I was going to be really upset when this book was over and I was not wrong. It is just everything I love all in one book and I am so sad to be done.
Writing- extremely clever, witty, and laugh-out-loud funny. The characters are well-rounded and the girlfriend is written a whole person and not simply some kind of 2D prop. The plot is exciting, unpredictable (hilariously so), horrifying (in the best way), and profound. The use of the "unreliable narrator" is very creatively done and the ending was wonderfully satisfying.
The romance between the hero and is girlfriend was so touching it left me crying unexpectedly in traffic. The author also wove an unexpectedly beautiful and deep treatment of mental illness into the story that I just loved. There are also a lot of butts. It's very multidimensional. Highly recommend.
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- Eric
- 12-27-17
Enjoyable, if you like this kinda thing
This was quite good for the 3rd entry in the series. I highly recommend it if you enjoyed the first two
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- Zonker
- 03-08-18
entertaining
lots of ass references. enjoyable. i really hope there are more books in the future.
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- Patrick Labadie
- 11-13-18
Dildos all the way down baby!
what I love about David Wong's books are that they are hilarious yet they also make you think because his characters are always trying to process horror through a lens of cynicism.
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- Troy Watson
- 12-08-18
more audio!!!!
Crazy, fun and a great way to lighten any mood! but we need them ALL on audio!!
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- Lee Ann Betzler
- 03-22-19
Fantastic!
Great book! Great writer! Laugh out loud funny and terrifying. Will also buy in print.
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- Derek Treadway
- 12-30-19
Solid 3rd book
A little weird having a new voice actor but he did good enough. I feel that the series has not had as great of an appeal as book one but I'm hopeful and the series has fast become one of my favorites even if I personally feel the first one was best. Definitely recommend
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- Anonymous User
- 12-09-20
what the hell did I just read!!?
Funny, well written, a little convoluted but John makes it all worth it! Definitely worth a shot
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