What the Hell Did I Just Read
A Novel of Cosmic Horror
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Narrated by:
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Stephen R. Thorne
About this listen
It's the story "They" don't want you to listen to. Though, to be fair, "They" are probably right about this one. To quote the Bible, "Learning the truth can be like loosening a necktie, only to realize it was the only thing keeping your head attached". No, don't put the book back on the shelf - it is now your duty to purchase it to prevent others from listening to it. Yes, it works with audiobooks, too, I don't have time to explain how.
While investigating a fairly straightforward case of a shape-shifting interdimensional child predator, Dave, John, and Amy realized there might actually be something weird going on. Together, they navigate a diabolically convoluted maze of illusions, lies, and their own incompetence in an attempt to uncover a terrible truth they - like you - would be better off not knowing.
Your first impulse will be to think that a story this gruesome - and, to be frank, stupid - cannot possibly be true. That is precisely the reaction "They" are hoping for.
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John Wayne Cleaver is dangerous, and he knows it. He's obsessed with serial killers, but really doesn't want to become one. So for his own sake, and the safety of those around him, he lives by rigid rules he's written for himself, practicing normal life as if it were a private religion that could save him from damnation. Dead bodies are normal to John. They don't demand or expect the empathy he's unable to offer. Perhaps that's what gives him the objectivity to recognize that there's something different about the body the police have just found behind the Wash-n-Dry Laundromat - and to appreciate what that difference means.
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WRONG CATEGORY - THIS IS NOT A MYSTERY
- By guy on 02-27-19
By: Dan Wells
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Monster Hunter International
- By: Larry Correia
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman
- Length: 24 hrs
- Unabridged
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Five days after Owen Zastava Pitt pushed his insufferable boss out of a 14th story window, he woke up in the hospital with a scarred face, an unbelievable memory, and a job offer. It turns out that monsters are real. All the things from myth, legend, and B-movies are out there, waiting in the shadows. Some of them are evil, and some are just hungry. Monster Hunter International is the premier eradication company in the business. And now Owen is their newest recruit.
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Suprizingly entertaining
- By Konstantin on 02-17-12
By: Larry Correia
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Raising Stony Mayhall
- By: Daryl Gregory
- Narrated by: David Marantz
- Length: 12 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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In 1968, after the first zombie outbreak, Wanda Mayhall and her three young daughters discover the body of a teenage mother during a snowstorm. Wrapped in the woman's arms is a baby - stone-cold, not breathing, and without a pulse. But then his eyes open and look up at Wanda, and he begins to move.The family hides the child - whom they name Stony - rather than turn him over to authorities who would destroy him. Against all scientific reason, the undead boy begins to grow....
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You'll wish you lived as much as this undead boy
- By Maryland on 10-27-11
By: Daryl Gregory
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Rise Again
- A Zombie Thriller
- By: Ben Tripp
- Narrated by: Kirsten Potter
- Length: 16 hrs
- Unabridged
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Filled with adventurous human drama-and shocking inhuman horror - Rise Again is a vivid and powerful debut novel of the zombie apocalypse.
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SHE TOOK A SPATULA AND SCRAPPED HIS FACE OFF THE
- By Jim "The Impatient" on 04-13-17
By: Ben Tripp
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The Brotherhood of the Wheel
- By: R. S. Belcher
- Narrated by: Bronson Pinchot
- Length: 14 hrs and 56 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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In AD 1119, a group of nine crusaders became known as the Poor Fellow-Soldiers of Christ and of the Temple of Solomon - a militant monastic order charged with protecting pilgrims and caravans traveling on the roads to and from the Holy Land. In time, the Knights Templar would grow in power and, ultimately, be laid low. But a small offshoot of the Templars endure and have returned to the order's original mission: to defend the roads of the world and guard those who travel on them.
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Epic Battle Brewing
- By Doug D. Eigsti on 03-29-16
By: R. S. Belcher
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Superheroes
- By: Peter S. Beagle, Daryl Gregory, James Patrick Kelly, and others
- Narrated by: Oliver Wyman, Joe Barrett, Christina Delaine, and others
- Length: 17 hrs and 5 mins
- Unabridged
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Modern gods and goddesses, remote, revered - and like the pantheon of heroes and heroines of ancient myth - possessing great power tempered with flaws. Now, find within this anthology great tales by gifted and award-winning authors who move superheroes from the four-color panels of comic books to the fantastic pages of fiction, stories that will remind anyone who ever wanted to wear a cape or don a cowl of the extraordinary powers of the imagination!
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Pretentious tired old concepts
- By BookofJoy on 12-29-14
By: Peter S. Beagle, and others
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Meddling Kids
- A Novel
- By: Edgar Cantero
- Narrated by: Kyla Garcia
- Length: 12 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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Performance
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Summer 1977. The Blyton Summer Detective Club (of Blyton Hills, a small mining town in Oregon's Zoinx River Valley) solved their final mystery and unmasked the elusive Sleepy Lake monster - another low-life fortune hunter trying to get his dirty hands on the legendary riches hidden in Deboën Mansion. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.
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should have been a YA novel
- By Bearded Barista on 08-20-17
By: Edgar Cantero
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Allison Hewitt Is Trapped
- A Zombie Novel
- By: Madeleine Roux
- Narrated by: Piper Goodeve
- Length: 11 hrs and 8 mins
- Unabridged
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One woman's story as she blogs about - and fights back against - the zombie apocalypse.
Allison Hewitt and her five colleagues at the Brooks and Peabody Bookstore are trapped together when the zombie outbreak hits. Allison reaches out for help through her blog, writing on her laptop. It may also be her only chance to reach her mother. But as the reality of their situation sinks in, Allison's blog becomes a harrowing account of her edge-of-the-seat adventures.
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lots of potential but disappointing
- By Linda B on 04-29-11
By: Madeleine Roux
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Sandman Slim
- Sandman Slim, Book 1
- By: Richard Kadrey
- Narrated by: MacLeod Andrews
- Length: 10 hrs and 28 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
When he was 19, James Stark was considered to be one of the greatest natural magicians, a reputation that got him demon-snatched and sent downtown - to Hell - where he survived as a gladiator, a sideshow freak entertaining Satan's fallen angels. That was 11 years ago. Now, the hitman who goes only by Stark has escaped and is back in L.A. Armed with a fortune-telling coin, a black bone knife, and an infernal key, Stark is determined to destroy the magic circle.
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jack bauer + spawn = sandman slim
- By Mike Naka on 11-03-12
By: Richard Kadrey
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Gone
- Gone Series, Book 1
- By: Michael Grant
- Narrated by: Kyle McCarley
- Length: 17 hrs and 15 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
In the blink of an eye, everyone disappears. Gone. Except for the young. There are teens, but not one single adult. Just as suddenly, there are no phones, no Internet, no television. No way to get help. And no way to figure out what's happened. Hunger threatens. Bullies rule. A sinister creature lurks. Animals are mutating. And the teens themselves are changing, developing new talents - unimaginable, dangerous, deadly powers - that grow stronger by the day. It's a terrifying new world.
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Please rerelease this book w new narration
- By Kim on 02-12-17
By: Michael Grant
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The Long Way Down
- Daniel Faust, Book 1
- By: Craig Schaefer
- Narrated by: Adam Verner
- Length: 9 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Story
Nobody knows the seedy underbelly of Las Vegas like Daniel Faust, a sorcerer for hire and ex-gangster who uses black magic and bullets to solve his clients' problems. When an old man comes seeking vengeance for his murdered granddaughter, what looks like a simple job quickly spirals out of control. Soon Daniel stands in the crossfire between a murderous porn director; a corrupt cop with a quick trigger finger; and his own former employer, a racket boss who isn't entirely human.
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Urban fantasy noir. Done right..
- By Cliff on 02-19-15
By: Craig Schaefer
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Undertow
- By: Michael Buckley
- Narrated by: Jennifer Grace
- Length: 11 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Story
When Lyric Walker was 14 years old, her life was turned upside down when she witnessed a world-changing event - the arrival of the Triton, a five-nation race of warrior merpeople who walked out of the sea and camped on the beaches of modern-day Coney Island. Suddenly her neighborhood was home to a new minority group numbering in the tens of thousands. But the Triton's arrival also revealed a shocking family secret: Her own mother was a mermaid.
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I loved “Undertow” by Michael Buckley.
- By love2dazzle on 11-13-17
By: Michael Buckley
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Under a Graveyard Sky
- Black Tide Rising, Book 1
- By: John Ringo
- Narrated by: Tristan Morris
- Length: 13 hrs and 45 mins
- Unabridged
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Overall
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Performance
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Story
Zombies are real. And we made them. Are you prepared for the zombie apocalypse? The Smith family is, with the help of a few marines. When an airborne "zombie" plague is released, bringing civilization to a grinding halt, the Smith family, Steven, Stacey, Sophia, and Faith, take to the Atlantic to avoid the chaos. The plan is to find a safe haven from the anarchy of infected humanity. What they discover, instead, is a sea composed of the tears of survivors and a passion for bringing hope.
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Sorry to say....not so good. :(
- By Chris on 03-07-14
By: John Ringo
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Outside Los Angeles, a driver pulls up to find a young woman sitting on a large black box. She offers him $200,000 cash to transport her and that box across the country, to Washington, DC. But there are rules: He cannot look inside the box. He cannot ask questions. He cannot tell anyone. They must leave immediately. He must leave all trackable devices behind. As these eccentric misfits hit the road, rumors spread on social media that the box is part of a carefully orchestrated terror attack intended to plunge the USA into civil war.
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Outside Los Angeles, a driver pulls up to find a young woman sitting on a large black box. She offers him $200,000 cash to transport her and that box across the country, to Washington, DC. But there are rules: He cannot look inside the box. He cannot ask questions. He cannot tell anyone. They must leave immediately. He must leave all trackable devices behind. As these eccentric misfits hit the road, rumors spread on social media that the box is part of a carefully orchestrated terror attack intended to plunge the USA into civil war.
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A chilling collection of psychological suspense and literary horror from the multiple award-winning author of the national best seller The Cabin at the End of the World and A Head Full of Ghosts. A masterful anthology featuring 19 pieces of short fiction, Growing Things and Other Stories is an exciting glimpse into Paul Tremblay’s fantastically fertile imagination.
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Imagine a place populated by criminals - people plucked from their lives, with their memories altered, who've been granted new identities and a second chance. Welcome to The Blinds, a dusty town in rural Texas populated by misfits who don't know if they've perpetrated a crime or just witnessed one. What's clear to them is that if they leave, they will end up dead. For eight years, Sheriff Calvin Cooper has kept an uneasy peace - but after a suicide and a murder in quick succession, the town's residents revolt.
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What a find!
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BuyMort: Grand Opening: How I Became the Accidental Warlord of Arizona
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After the arrival of the multiversal monopoly BuyMort, life got brutal. All systems were through BuyMort. All currency was through BuyMort. All sales were through BuyMort. You could resist, you could compete, but it didn’t really matter because in the end you used BuyMort—or you perished. BuyMort be praised. But not everyone’s happy with the new system. Some, even, want to see it destroyed. It’s quick. It’s convenient. And it will help people kill you and your family as readily as it will help them sell you knickknacks for a quick mortie.
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Battlefield Earth
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In the year AD 3000, Earth is a dystopian wasteland, plundered of its natural resources by alien conquerors known as Psychlos. Fewer than 35,000 humans survive in a handful of communities scattered across the face of a post-apocalyptic Earth. From the ashes of humanity rises a young hero, Jonnie Goodboy Tyler. Setting off on an initial quest to discover a hidden evil, Jonnie unlocks the mystery of humanity’s demise and unearths a crucial weakness in their oppressors.
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Pulp Sci-Fi Done Right! More Like This!
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Undertaker's Moon
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The rural town of Old Hickory. Tennessee was a quiet, picturesque community...until the O'Sheas came to town. Becoming the new proprietors of the town's only funeral parlor, with the help of their charming patriarch, Square McManus, the Irish family was wholeheartedly accepted by the local town folk. The thing began to happen. Strange things...horrible, unspeakable things...in the dead of night. The sighting of wolfish beasts congregating around an open grave in the town cemetery.
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good story but
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Tell Me What I Am
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Nessa Garvey’s sister Deena vanished without a trace in Philadelphia in 2004. In all that time, Nessa has never once doubted what her instincts told her: her sister’s ex-husband has gotten away with an unspeakable crime. Nessa’s niece, Ruby, is raised by her father, the man Nessa suspects, in rural Vermont, on the shores of Lake Champlain. Ruby learns how to hunt, how the plants and trees grow, how to avoid making her father angry. The one question she longs to ask is the one she knows she cannot voice: What really happened to her mother?
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Beautifully written!
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Three Days Missing
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It’s every parent’s worst nightmare: the call that comes in the middle of the night. When Kat Jenkins awakens to the police on her doorstep, her greatest fear is realized. Her nine-year-old son, Ethan, is missing - vanished from the cabin where he’d been on an overnight class trip. Shocked and distraught, Kat rushes to the campground, but she’s too late; the authorities have returned from their search empty-handed after losing Ethan’s trail in the mountain forest.
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Great story, but could've done without some langua
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Nightbooks
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Alex’s original hair-raising tales are the only thing keeping the witch Natacha happy, but soon he’ll run out of pages to read from and be trapped forever. He’s loved scary stories his whole life, and he knows most don’t have a happily ever after. Now that Alex is trapped in a true terrifying tale, he’s desperate for a different ending - and a way out of this twisted place. This modern spin on the Scheherazade story is perfect for fans of Coraline and A Tale Dark and Grimm.
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More like, NightHOOKS
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What listeners say about What the Hell Did I Just Read
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- Robert J
- 10-30-17
Ridiculously funny
It’s just delightfully funny. Read the first two. Excellent audiobook. Never a dull moment. I was skeptical but after a pitch by my friend I was hooked and the movie is great too.
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- ShoParker
- 10-05-17
Another Ass-some tale of two dumb asses with substance and monster problems.
Each novel takes place at a different point in Dave, John and Amy's life and the tone of the story reflects that. Another great piece of fiction written in such a way as to not now what actually happened in the town of Undisclosed during the flood, as in the two previous books.
The dick punching and obvert violence and gore had been softened up and a lighter tone has been added to the action.
The characters and humour is the same, but matured since it's " Dildo's all the way down, baby!"
The left-leaning preachiness that popped up here and there in Spiders is not present. Wong's inclusion of a Marine Veteran is handled with an empathy that fits within the Soy-verse of David and John. Even though, like many who have not served he confuses our titles. A Marine is not a Soldier, a Soldier is not a Paratrooper, a Sailor is not a Marine or Soldier and an Airman is not part of the Military.
Only book I have pre-ordered and finished this quickly-looking forward to more.
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- Jessica
- 10-18-17
I am genuinely upset right now.
I knew from just a few minutes in that I was going to be really upset when this book was over and I was not wrong. It is just everything I love all in one book and I am so sad to be done.
Writing- extremely clever, witty, and laugh-out-loud funny. The characters are well-rounded and the girlfriend is written a whole person and not simply some kind of 2D prop. The plot is exciting, unpredictable (hilariously so), horrifying (in the best way), and profound. The use of the "unreliable narrator" is very creatively done and the ending was wonderfully satisfying.
The romance between the hero and is girlfriend was so touching it left me crying unexpectedly in traffic. The author also wove an unexpectedly beautiful and deep treatment of mental illness into the story that I just loved. There are also a lot of butts. It's very multidimensional. Highly recommend.
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- Eric
- 12-27-17
Enjoyable, if you like this kinda thing
This was quite good for the 3rd entry in the series. I highly recommend it if you enjoyed the first two
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- Zonker
- 03-08-18
entertaining
lots of ass references. enjoyable. i really hope there are more books in the future.
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- Patrick Labadie
- 11-13-18
Dildos all the way down baby!
what I love about David Wong's books are that they are hilarious yet they also make you think because his characters are always trying to process horror through a lens of cynicism.
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- Troy Watson
- 12-08-18
more audio!!!!
Crazy, fun and a great way to lighten any mood! but we need them ALL on audio!!
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- Lee Ann Betzler
- 03-22-19
Fantastic!
Great book! Great writer! Laugh out loud funny and terrifying. Will also buy in print.
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- Derek Treadway
- 12-30-19
Solid 3rd book
A little weird having a new voice actor but he did good enough. I feel that the series has not had as great of an appeal as book one but I'm hopeful and the series has fast become one of my favorites even if I personally feel the first one was best. Definitely recommend
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- Anonymous User
- 12-09-20
what the hell did I just read!!?
Funny, well written, a little convoluted but John makes it all worth it! Definitely worth a shot
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