Rules of Estrangement
Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict
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Narrated by:
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Fred Sanders
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By:
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Joshua Coleman
About this listen
A guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.
“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)
Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.
As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Dr. Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Dr. Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his 40 years of practice. Rules of Estrangement gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.
While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Dr. Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child.
©2020 Joshua Coleman (P)2020 Random House AudioListeners also enjoyed...
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Critic reviews
“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike. Rules of Estrangement candidly addresses parental estrangement from every conceivable angle, steering readers away from shame and blame to a place of newfound understanding and empowerment. I’ve seen many parents and adult children grappling with these issues, and this is exactly the book they have all been waiting for. I will be recommending it widely.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)
“A very thoughtful book filled with great wisdom and care. Over Dr. Coleman’s years of practice, as well as his own personal journey, he has developed a deep appreciation for how to help parents see their relationship with their children through the child’s eyes. It is through that process of compassionate perspective taking [WJ1] that a healing conversation can begin.” (Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome)
“Coleman addresses what historians see as a strange paradox: Even as more adult children view their parents as friends rather than mere obligations, psychologists report seeing a wave of parents who have been rejected by their adult children. Coleman explores the socioeconomic and cultural changes that inflate both our expectations and our disappointments in family life, offering calming advice on ways that estranged families can recover or move on.” (Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap)
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In this important sequel to Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, author Lindsay Gibson offers powerful tools to help you step back and protect yourself at the first sign of an emotional takeover, make sure your emotions and needs are respected, and break free from the coercive control of emotionally immature parents.
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Asinine
- By Amazon Customer on 07-14-20
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The Fatherless Daughter Project
- Understanding Our Losses and Reclaiming Our Lives
- By: Denna D. Babul RN, Karin Luise PhD
- Narrated by: Tara Ochs, PhD Karin Luise, RN Denna D. Babul
- Length: 9 hrs and 44 mins
- Unabridged
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When Motherless Daughters was published 20 years ago, it unleashed a tsunami of healing awareness. When Denna Babul and Karin Luise couldn't find the equivalent book for fatherlessness, The Fatherless Daughter Project was born. The book will set fatherless women on the path to growth and fulfillment by helping them to understand how their losses have impacted their lives.
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very healing and tremendously helpful
- By R. Mccloud on 01-14-18
By: Denna D. Babul RN, and others
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Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives
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Following the tremendous success of her New York Times best sellers, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives and How Could You Do That?!, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the conscience of talk radio, now addresses the stupid things men do that diminish their lives and happiness. With real-world examples from her radio show and strikingly honest letters from her male listeners, her book reveals that many men demonstrate a level of sensitivity and insight that will surprise most women.
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Loved it!
- By Ethan on 03-21-18
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The Happy Stepmother
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You found the love of your life, and you vowed to have, to hold, and to stepmother. You always thought that in time you'd grow to be the perfect, loving family. So why does it seem that the harder you try, the more unappreciated you feel? As a stepmother, therapist, and founder of the popular stepsforstepmothers.com, Dr. Rachelle Katz knows all too well how challenging stepmotherhood can be. Based on thousands of in-depth interviews and the latest research, she's created a powerful program to help you.
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horrible
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When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder
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Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult - but it’s still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as the tools you need to start your own recovery process.
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Great advice IF you decide to or must continue a relationship with someone with BPD
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10 Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Relationships
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- Narrated by: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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In Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships, Dr. Laura Schlessinger calls for a return to traditional courtship. Courtship allows couples and their families to get acquainted with each other over a longer period of time, and provides structure and guidelines for that important process.
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No brainer ideas that we can forget
- By Ali0531 on 07-06-15
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Relationship Breakthrough
- How to Create Outstanding Relationships in Every Area of Your Life
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- Narrated by: Aimee Jolson
- Length: 6 hrs and 32 mins
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Everyone faces the challenges of making relationships work. Whether with spouses, family members, friends, lovers, or colleagues, relationships have the power to make one feel happy, frustrated, or miserable. In Relationship Breakthrough, Cloe Madanes - an expert in creating healing, empowering relationships - gives listeners vital tools to transform their relationships and their lives. Madanes's cutting-edge methods produce real results and create rewarding, sustainable relationships.
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Disappointed
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By: Cloe Madanes, and others
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Divorce Poison
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- Narrated by: Daniel Penz
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Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to your children, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, your relationship with your children could suffer. This groundbreaking work gives parents powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with their children and provides legal and mental health professionals with practical advice to help their clients and ensure the welfare of children.
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Required Reading
- By Christine Manning on 11-09-15
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Boundaries with Kids
- How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children
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- Narrated by: Henry O. Arnold
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What the award-winning, best-selling Boundaries has done for adult relationships, Boundaries with Kids will do for you and your children. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend provide the help and guidance you need for raising your kids to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions. With wisdom and empathy, they take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives.
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Not what I would recommend as a therapist who works primarily with children
- By Amanda on 02-12-21
By: Henry Cloud, and others
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When Friendship Hurts
- How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You
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We’ve all had friendships that have gone bad. Whether it takes the form of a simple yet inexplicable estrangement or a devastating betrayal, a failed friendship can make your life miserable, threaten your success at work or school, and even undermine your romantic relationships. Finally there is help. In When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, recognized internationally as a leading expert on friendship, explores what causes friendships to falter and explains how to mend them - or end them.
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Boring and patronizing
- By KDS on 11-17-22
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How Can I Forgive You?
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Until now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Spring, a gifted therapist and the award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives - without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness - one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.
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I'm a Christian
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By: Janis A. Spring, and others
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When Dad Hurts Mom
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Can my partner abuse me and still be a good parent? Should I stay with my partner for my children's sake? How should I talk to my children about the abuse and help them heal? Am I a bad mother? Mothers in physically or emotionally abusive relationships ask themselves these questions every day. Whether it's physical or "just" emotional abuse, whether it's aimed at them or you, whether they see or hear it, your kids need you.
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Great information. Not the best narrator.
- By RT on 06-28-19
By: Lundy Bancroft
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The Undervalued Self
- By: Elaine N. Aron
- Narrated by: Marguerite Gavin
- Length: 7 hrs and 54 mins
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Elaine Aron follows up her best sellers on the highly sensitive person with a groundbreaking new book on the undervalued self. She explains that self-esteem results from having a healthy balance of love and power in our lives. Readers will learn to incorporate love into situations that seem to require power and deal with power struggles that mask themselves as issues of love.
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Life Changing!
- By Salon Finished Dawn on 09-20-15
By: Elaine N. Aron
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Get out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior
- Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior
- By: Philip Goldberg, Mark Goulston MD
- Narrated by: Mark Goulston
- Length: 4 hrs and 49 mins
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Practical, proven self-help steps show how to transform 40 common self-defeating behaviors, including procrastination, envy, obsession, anger, self-pity, compulsion, neediness, guilt, rebellion, inaction, and more.
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Nothing new
- By MsJulyswimwear on 07-25-20
By: Philip Goldberg, and others
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Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin
- How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries
- By: Anne Katherine MA
- Narrated by: Pam Ward
- Length: 6 hrs
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Have you recently walked away from a date or a conversation feeling uncomfortable or violated? Are you looking for ways to set limits with your spouse, kids, parents, or boss? This essential guide to setting and respecting boundaries is for anyone wanting to better understand themselves and others. Just as a cut in our skin causes pain and injury, a breach of any of our physical, emotional, or sexual boundaries can be very harmful to our bodies and minds.
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Not exactly for tailored for the Male reader
- By Matt on 04-26-22
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Parents whose adult children have cut off contact wonder: How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? What happened to my loving child? Over time, holidays, birthdays, and even the birth of grandchildren may pass in silence. Anguish may turn into anger. While time, in and of itself, does not necessarily heal, actions do, and while every estrangement includes situation-specific variables, there are practical, effective, and universal techniques for understanding and healing these not-uncommon breaches.
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Will save you from major mistakes
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Fault Lines
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Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved - collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations. More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.
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Estrangement can be avoided and healed. There’s hope.
- By Augusta Olaore on 01-11-24
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Banished
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For author Nancy Lee Klune, the nightmare began with a phone call from a stranger. The man, who identified himself as a family therapist, informed her that her son and daughter-in-law had decided that she was to have no further contact with them or their four children. This call set in motion a 10-year journey of deep pain, emotional turmoil, and personal growth as she found ways to cope with this indescribable loss.
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Instead of Hope it’s a Heavy Heart
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Shadow Daughter
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Shadow Daughter tackles a subject we rarely discuss as a culture: Family estrangements, especially those between parents and adult children. Estrangements - between parents and children, siblings, multiple generations - are surprisingly common, and even families that aren't officially estranged often have some experience of deep conflicts. Estrangement is an issue that touches most people, one way or another, one that's still shrouded in secrecy, stigma, and shame.
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Very dangerous & harmful for society as a whole
- By Suz C. on 01-04-22
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When Parents Hurt
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Not worth tour time...
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In Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, Sheri McGregor, MA, helps parents break free from emotional pain - and move forward in their own lives. As a loving mother to whom the unthinkable happened, McGregor knows the horrible shock that wrings a parent dry, triggers denial, blame, anger, and shame. With empathy and understanding, as well as tools, the latest research, and insight from more than 9,000 parents of estranged adult children, McGregor helps parents of estranged adults plan, prepare for emotional triggers, and prevail over pain.
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Will save you from major mistakes
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Fault Lines
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Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved - collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations. More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.
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Estrangement can be avoided and healed. There’s hope.
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No matter how old your child is, you’ll always be their parent. Discover how you can sustain your relationship even when you’re no longer under the same roof.
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Great author and Great Book
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For any parent of estranged adult children, reconciling may be a solo sport. Even when reconciliations do occur, their success requires wisdom and strength. That's why it's so important to empower yourself, make positive changes, and reclaim your life, even while waiting and continuing to reach out (if you choose to). Beyond Done with the Crying: More Answers and Advice for Parents of Estranged Adult Children is filled with information and solutions to the complex, real-life problems that plague parents of estranged adult children and their families.
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Insightful
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Estranged
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In Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart, Julie Plagens shares about her life as a child of well-known restauranteur parents who also owned the first nightclub in Texas. After ten years in the entertainment business, her parents made a public conversion to Christianity and went into full-time ministry. Unfortunately, the hardships of maintaining a perfect image as a Christian family became too heavy of a burden due to anger and unforgiveness. After a life-altering health diagnosis (Crohn's disease), Julie, her husband, and their two children walked away from the family to ...
By: Julie Plagens
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Walking on Eggshells
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We raise our children to be independent and lead fulfilling lives, but when they finally do, staying close becomes more complicated than ever. And for every bewildered mother who wonders why her children don't call, there is a frustrated son or daughter who just wants to be treated like a grownup. Now, renowned editor Jane Isay delivers the perfect gift to both parents and their adult children-real-life wisdom and advice on how to stay together without falling apart.
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Disappointed
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By: Jane Isay
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When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart
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Behind nearly every adult who is accused of a crime, becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, or who is severely mentally ill and acting out in public, there is usually at least one extremely stressed-out parent. This parent may initially react with the bad news of their adult child behaving badly with, "Oh no!" followed by, "How can I help to fix this?" A very common third reaction is the thought, "Where did I go wrong - was it something I said or did, or that I failed to do when my child was growing up that caused these issues? Is this really somehow all my fault?"
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Glad I stumbled upon this…
- By Pamela J Hoyes on 10-03-23
By: Joel Young MD, and others
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When Your Child Divorces You.....Estrangement
- From Absalom to the Prodigal Son
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A 43 page book written to encourage the estranged parent. The Bible speaks at length of two kinds of estrangement. Two different paths that got there, and two different paths to get out. Both David and the Prodigal Father faced estrangement from their adult child. Support, advice, and encouragement "in the waiting". Written by an estranged mother.
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Compassion, understanding, non judge mental, heart felt
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Doing Life with Your Adult Children
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If you've raised a child, you know that parenting doesn't stop when they turn eighteen. In many ways, your relationship gets even more complicated--your heart and your head are as involved as ever, but you can feel things shifting, whether your child lives under your roof or rarely stays in contact. Doing Life with Your Adult Children helps you navigate this rich and challenging season of parenting. Speaking from his own personal and professional experience, Burns offers practical answers to the most common questions he's received over the years.
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Some good points but...
- By Millie on 06-15-19
By: Jim Burns PhD
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But It’s Your Family...
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But It’s Your Family is a remarkable account of what it means to cut ties to toxic family abuse and thrive in the aftermath. Loving someone doesn’t always mean having a relationship with them, just like forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Reconciling, in many cases, only sets people up for more abuse. A significant part of healing comes with accepting that this is a part of life; there are some relationships that are so poisonous that they destroy one’s ability to be healthy and function best.
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My second purchase! Well done!
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Brothers, Sisters, Strangers
- Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation
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Fern Schumer Chapman understands the pain of sibling estrangement firsthand. For the better part of 40 years, she had nearly no relationship with her only brother, despite many attempts at reconnection. Her grief and shame were devastating and isolating. But when she tried to turn to others for help, she found that a profound stigma still surrounded estrangement, and that very little statistical and psychological research existed to help her better understand the rift that had broken up her family. So she decided to conduct her own research....
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A helpful guide to understand unhealthy family dynamics
- By AGM Design on 11-29-22
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You and Your Adult Child
- How to Grow Together in Challenging Times
- By: Laurence Steinberg
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- Length: 7 hrs and 53 mins
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Your child is now an adult, but your job as a parent is far from over. Instead, your role must evolve to meet their ongoing, changing needs. But what exactly are these new needs? And why are they so different now than they were when you were a young adult? This is the first comprehensive guide written for parents whose children are in two of the most crucial decades of life.
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A must-read book
- By Anonymous User on 04-23-23
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Surviving Parental Alienation
- A Journey of Hope and Healing
- By: Amy J.L. Baker PhD, Paul R. Fine LCSW
- Narrated by: Madeleine Dauer
- Length: 6 hrs and 4 mins
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Performance
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Half of all marriages end. Unfortunately, about 20% of divorces are high-conflict, involving frequent visits to court, allegations of abuse, and chronic disagreements regarding parenting schedules. In response to this conflict, some children become aligned with one parent against the other - even a parent who has done nothing to warrant the hostile rejection of their formerly loving children. These parents are on a painful journey with an uncertain outcome. Surviving Parental Alienation fills the tremendous need for concrete help for these parents.
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Accurate, Authentic: what PA looks like & how it feels to Kids and Targets.
- By Sia on 01-25-20
By: Amy J.L. Baker PhD, and others
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Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
- Breaking the Ties That Bind
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An examination of adults who have been manipulated by divorcing parents. Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) occurs when divorcing parents use children as pawns, trying to turn the child against the other parent. This book examines the impact of PAS on adults and offers strategies and hope for dealing with the long-term effects.
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I wish I knew when I was younger.
- By Adam A. on 06-17-21
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- Anand
- 06-11-21
Excellent book for the parent's perspective
The book gives great insight into the phenomenon of parental estrangement, and is an excellent guide for parents whose adult children have estranged them. The author empathizes deeply with such parents.
That being said, the book misses out on showing the adult child's perspective and how parental choices or other incidents can affect them far into adulthood. The book could also have used a chapter on things you can do while your kids are still young to have a better relationship with them in adulthood.
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22 people found this helpful
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- ljfsema
- 08-08-22
Best book on this topic
This is a thorough and thoughtful book on the painful topic of estrangement. I sometimes agreed and sometimes rejected the info here, but always found the subject thought provoking and insightful. The author does well to describe what I’m feeling as well as giving insight into what my daughter feels and couldn’t exactly vocalize. I end this with more knowledge before, and while maybe not a plan for reconciliation, but a hint of where that would take me if I’m willing to go.
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- Anonymous User
- 03-08-24
Perspective of both sides
This book is very helpful as an estranged parent . It gave helpful examples of how my daughter may be feeling and eased my pain just a little. We all deserve love, faults and all. And for me the most important thing is that my adult child is happy, even though we are estranged for now, she may need this separated time to find her independence from me in her own way, and that can also be okay.
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- Anonymous One
- 05-13-24
Knowledge author and therapist!
Very good book! This author is special cause he doesn’t have a biased attitude! I learned a lot and will reread. I already feel better with my daughter’s estrangement., and I’m grateful to this knowledge author/therapist.
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- LBB
- 07-23-24
The Depth of every word on both sides.
Joshua is BRILLIANT in his understanding of so many complex relationships. Best book I have ever listened to! I will buy it & listen, read & make notes. I'm still in complete shock that he literally had healing advice & gave practical solutions on the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Every person on the planet needs to read this book!
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- Alexandra Hopkins
- 10-13-21
Helped me with my estranged son
Our adult son was estranged from my husband and me for over two years. Then, we got back together. But then, our relationship fell apart again. I listened to the audiobook "Rules of Estrangement" and listened to it--I listened to it three times. It made so much sense to me that I wanted to apply what I was learning correctly. Then, I did the steps that Joshua Coleman suggests. It worked! And now our son is back in good communication with us.
I've recommended this book to friends who are experiencing estrangements with their adult children. I recommend it to anyone in this situation. It's easy reading and enjoyable reading. Thank you, Dr. Coleman, this book is a gift.
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- Angel C
- 01-16-24
exactly what I needed
this book has been an eye opener. my son hasnt talked to me in 2 yrs and I was really struggling. learning tools incase he ever does decide to come back is priceless, learning about an amends letter has my wheels turning, and most importantly knowing Im not the only one with theses feelings of hurt, anger, shame. Im feeling better about a few things, thankfully.
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1 person found this helpful
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- MinneMe
- 06-05-22
Insightful and inspiring
This book is not for everyone, if you are not ready to be completely honest with yourself and your role in the estrangement you will find no value in the information, you may even walk away more angry thinking everyone is against you.
After years and years of therapy to reconcile my own childhood I see where my past has spilled onto my present. Not placing blame, understanding the dynamics of my family.
My son and I have been estranged for the past 1 1/2 years - for the 2nd time. I didn’t do the work, I remained in a shell of fear that this would happen again, which drove the second estrangement. I didn’t understand, this author has lived the experience and didn’t intend to dive into this particular field of analysis, but through the grace of God was led to it so the wisdom can be imparted to others.
I would go so far as to say that this would be a great read for anyone with young children through adult even if there isn’t an estrangement. I thought our relationship was healthy, as did everyone who knew us. If I had only known what I know now I could have corrected my trajectory and have never lived this pain.
This is an act of compassion, kindness and self love to read, absorb and find meaning to what has taken place.
My only hope left is once I send my letter of amends there may be a sliver of a chance to reconcile. Should this take place, it will be very rocky and a slow painful process to heal - and may never heal totally. But I have no other recourse but to be completely honest with my portion of the divide. There will always be extenuating circumstances that will throw up road blocks, but I believe in myself that this has been a huge guide in finally comprehending the situation.
I am not a bad person, I am a good mother, grandmother and human being, but I have faults and flaws. I choose to take this experience to learn, grow and become a better person regardless of the outcome.
If you are ready to take a hard, deep look at yourself, I think that you too will find immeasurable guidance and value in this book.
All the best to all the parents and adult children who are living this nightmare, don’t give up hope ever, trust in yourself to find a way through.
Godspeed❤️
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- ReviewQueen
- 06-06-22
Instrumental in our reconciliation
Helped me open my heart to change and begin the process of healing our relationship. It isn't the relationship that I still feel like I earned and deserve, or even one I would want, but at least, for now, I am able to take them both to dinner, when she is available. I am grateful for the wisdom to handwrite a letter to my daughter and her husband utilizing the wording from the many examples. Thank you, thank you, thank you......
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- Kevin Berg
- 09-01-22
Worth the read
Think if you’re a parent struggling with an estranged child or on the path to estrangement listen to this book before it’s too late.
The rules have changed this book brought some clarity and the realization that we are not alone in this struggle
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