Rules of Estrangement Audiobook By Joshua Coleman cover art

Rules of Estrangement

Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict

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Rules of Estrangement

By: Joshua Coleman
Narrated by: Fred Sanders
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About this listen

A guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.

“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)

Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.

As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Dr. Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Dr. Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his 40 years of practice. Rules of Estrangement gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.

While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Dr. Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child.

©2020 Joshua Coleman (P)2020 Random House Audio
Conflict Resolution Parents & Adult Children Personal Success Mental Health Inspiring Young Adult Adult Children Family Conflict
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Critic reviews

“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike. Rules of Estrangement candidly addresses parental estrangement from every conceivable angle, steering readers away from shame and blame to a place of newfound understanding and empowerment. I’ve seen many parents and adult children grappling with these issues, and this is exactly the book they have all been waiting for. I will be recommending it widely.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)

“A very thoughtful book filled with great wisdom and care. Over Dr. Coleman’s years of practice, as well as his own personal journey, he has developed a deep appreciation for how to help parents see their relationship with their children through the child’s eyes. It is through that process of compassionate perspective taking [WJ1] that a healing conversation can begin.” (Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome)

“Coleman addresses what historians see as a strange paradox: Even as more adult children view their parents as friends rather than mere obligations, psychologists report seeing a wave of parents who have been rejected by their adult children. Coleman explores the socioeconomic and cultural changes that inflate both our expectations and our disappointments in family life, offering calming advice on ways that estranged families can recover or move on.” (Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap)

What listeners say about Rules of Estrangement

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Excellent book for the parent's perspective

The book gives great insight into the phenomenon of parental estrangement, and is an excellent guide for parents whose adult children have estranged them. The author empathizes deeply with such parents.

That being said, the book misses out on showing the adult child's perspective and how parental choices or other incidents can affect them far into adulthood. The book could also have used a chapter on things you can do while your kids are still young to have a better relationship with them in adulthood.

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22 people found this helpful

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Best book on this topic

This is a thorough and thoughtful book on the painful topic of estrangement. I sometimes agreed and sometimes rejected the info here, but always found the subject thought provoking and insightful. The author does well to describe what I’m feeling as well as giving insight into what my daughter feels and couldn’t exactly vocalize. I end this with more knowledge before, and while maybe not a plan for reconciliation, but a hint of where that would take me if I’m willing to go.

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Perspective of both sides

This book is very helpful as an estranged parent . It gave helpful examples of how my daughter may be feeling and eased my pain just a little. We all deserve love, faults and all. And for me the most important thing is that my adult child is happy, even though we are estranged for now, she may need this separated time to find her independence from me in her own way, and that can also be okay.

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Knowledge author and therapist!

Very good book! This author is special cause he doesn’t have a biased attitude! I learned a lot and will reread. I already feel better with my daughter’s estrangement., and I’m grateful to this knowledge author/therapist.

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The Depth of every word on both sides.

Joshua is BRILLIANT in his understanding of so many complex relationships. Best book I have ever listened to! I will buy it & listen, read & make notes. I'm still in complete shock that he literally had healing advice & gave practical solutions on the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Every person on the planet needs to read this book!

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Helped me with my estranged son

Our adult son was estranged from my husband and me for over two years. Then, we got back together. But then, our relationship fell apart again. I listened to the audiobook "Rules of Estrangement" and listened to it--I listened to it three times. It made so much sense to me that I wanted to apply what I was learning correctly. Then, I did the steps that Joshua Coleman suggests. It worked! And now our son is back in good communication with us.

I've recommended this book to friends who are experiencing estrangements with their adult children. I recommend it to anyone in this situation. It's easy reading and enjoyable reading. Thank you, Dr. Coleman, this book is a gift.

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exactly what I needed

this book has been an eye opener. my son hasnt talked to me in 2 yrs and I was really struggling. learning tools incase he ever does decide to come back is priceless, learning about an amends letter has my wheels turning, and most importantly knowing Im not the only one with theses feelings of hurt, anger, shame. Im feeling better about a few things, thankfully.

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Insightful and inspiring

This book is not for everyone, if you are not ready to be completely honest with yourself and your role in the estrangement you will find no value in the information, you may even walk away more angry thinking everyone is against you.

After years and years of therapy to reconcile my own childhood I see where my past has spilled onto my present. Not placing blame, understanding the dynamics of my family.

My son and I have been estranged for the past 1 1/2 years - for the 2nd time. I didn’t do the work, I remained in a shell of fear that this would happen again, which drove the second estrangement. I didn’t understand, this author has lived the experience and didn’t intend to dive into this particular field of analysis, but through the grace of God was led to it so the wisdom can be imparted to others.

I would go so far as to say that this would be a great read for anyone with young children through adult even if there isn’t an estrangement. I thought our relationship was healthy, as did everyone who knew us. If I had only known what I know now I could have corrected my trajectory and have never lived this pain.

This is an act of compassion, kindness and self love to read, absorb and find meaning to what has taken place.

My only hope left is once I send my letter of amends there may be a sliver of a chance to reconcile. Should this take place, it will be very rocky and a slow painful process to heal - and may never heal totally. But I have no other recourse but to be completely honest with my portion of the divide. There will always be extenuating circumstances that will throw up road blocks, but I believe in myself that this has been a huge guide in finally comprehending the situation.

I am not a bad person, I am a good mother, grandmother and human being, but I have faults and flaws. I choose to take this experience to learn, grow and become a better person regardless of the outcome.

If you are ready to take a hard, deep look at yourself, I think that you too will find immeasurable guidance and value in this book.

All the best to all the parents and adult children who are living this nightmare, don’t give up hope ever, trust in yourself to find a way through.

Godspeed❤️

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Instrumental in our reconciliation

Helped me open my heart to change and begin the process of healing our relationship. It isn't the relationship that I still feel like I earned and deserve, or even one I would want, but at least, for now, I am able to take them both to dinner, when she is available. I am grateful for the wisdom to handwrite a letter to my daughter and her husband utilizing the wording from the many examples. Thank you, thank you, thank you......

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Worth the read

Think if you’re a parent struggling with an estranged child or on the path to estrangement listen to this book before it’s too late.

The rules have changed this book brought some clarity and the realization that we are not alone in this struggle

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